son gave me a black eye

[nearlyemptynes]

My DS 17 pushed me the other night during an argument when I said something I shouldn't have said about his girlfriend. He is now very sorry and we have apologised to each other. I have told him I am sorry about what I said but that nothing justifies his response. When he pushed me i whacked my head v hard off a wall and now have an awful black eye. He has seen it and is v remorseful. It is fathers day this weekend and we have things planned with btoh sets of grandparents. I cant let them see this, apart from anything else they don't need the stress. Am i wrong to cover it up with make up, if i can.

I have a 17 year old DS who is a lot taller, stronger and bigger than me, we have a great relationship but if he ever punched me, I’d report him to the police, no matter what you said about his gf it doesn’t excuse him to physically assault you. You are setting a poor precedent, his actions had no consequences, what happens when his potential wife says something he doesn’t like and he punches her?

Not excusing shoving… but he didn’t punch the OP.

You used your words, he used his strength. You both need to do better.

What name did you call his girlfriend?

He didn’t punch her this time. It’s a slippery slope.

Totally wrong to cover up. You let them see; AND you let son tell his GP's he did it.

The shame is all his, and for his own good he has to carry it all by himself.

You have to make sure this is the last time he ever abuses a woman. Don't count on other women to apologise for deserving it, passively forgive him, and hide the bruises because she's ashamed .

Next time, he could earn a criminal conviction for assault that will stay on his record for life and severely limit his employment options.

I think this is the best advice, in my opinion, for your situation. I’d also strongly suggest he take some responsibility and look into his options for anger management. If he’s truly remorseful, this is something he needs to get under control. I don’t think he’s doomed to a lifetime of being a violent abuser, but it could escalate.

I agree. Don't make father's day a scene involving the whole family. Sort it out beforehand if you want your parents involvement.

Seeing the distress it causes to your loved ones is an important part of the lesson, OP. It's not just about you and him (although the harm to you is bad enough), but about the ripple effect of violence and how it harms the whole family and community. Don't collude in hiding evidence of violence, it's a very very bad path to even set one foot upon, especially when modelling right and wrong to an impressionable teenager.

He put hands on his mum and shoved her hard enough to hit her face and give her a black eye.
I don't know what the consequences of this should be but I would be so disgusted and appalled if my 17 year old son did this.
Something serious needs to be the consequence for this.
He needs to be taught that he never ever puts his hands on a woman and especially his own mother.
I am in noway blaming you op but he needs to have this boundary enforced and established. An apology is not enough

You’re right but a shove resulting in a black eye still carries the same consequence as a punch. Physical abuse is physical abuse and I’d still report to the police, women have the right to be safe in their own homes.

No don't cover it up, it's how they get away with it, we cover it up, society doesn't judge them and it goes round and round, he can live with the shame and hopefully realise just how abhorrent his behaviour is, because if he only felt what he did was wrong after he did it then he needs a big old head wobble.

Purely to not upset your dad I'd lie, but I'd take a picture and save it, because as much as this should be a one time thing, it may escalate. Sorry OP 💐

One of my DS is very strong and large, but playful and daft and he and my younger DS occasionally play, "let's hide mum" where ill be stood doing something and the next minute I'm flung around and being transported to another part of the house. Or shed. Once he ran off with me down the road. I was barefoot and had to walk back whilst being terrored by them all. Dicks.
But a few occasions whilst lugging me around he's cracked my head on doorframes, and yet it hasn't occurred to him to stop either. Teenagers are strangely strong but unaware of it. That's my point really.
I know your son did this in temper and I'm not excusing him at all, but he also may truly not have been aware of his strength, so hopefully a lesson learnt. He most likely will be riddled with shame and guilt.
I wouldn't hide my eye either if it wasn't going to distress your parents, but I understand why you would, if they notice it say something fell out the cupboard on you.
And quite honestly although I'm sure you won't, but if he ever ever ever gets a temper like that again, you ring 999.
Youre a mum, not a punchbag. 💐

Aw the boys will be boys excuse again, gets fucking tiresome. He accidentally cracked my head on the doorframe 🙄.

Violent men don't care who they hurt. Violent men who care about how the community responds don't hit faces.

I know my son would be so desperate to get out of a situation like that that he could shove everything out of his way and wouldn’t intend to cause any harm, is this what happened?

No, but I don't believe the world is that black and white entirely, in that I think there are opportunities during formative years for a young person to develop in different directions. An experience in teenagehood of causing your mother visible harm, and the reactions of the rest of the family, could go a long way in forming this kid's character.

You say ‘both sets of grandparents’ - where is his Dad in all this?

It's not ok to slag off your son's girlfriend. He is bound to want to defend her, as any one of us would hope our sons would do for those they love.

It's not ok to shove someone who slags off your girlfriend.

I am sorry but I think this is 6 of one, half a dozen of the other.
He didn't "give you a black eye" directly, as in punch you in the face. I assume he shoved you in the back and you fell forward?

I would not cover with makeup, but neither would I tell people your son "gave you a black eye". I would say you were arguing, you were shoved, you fell, and both of you behaved badly and it's now over and done with. The black eye was an accident.

I doubt it.

Hope his gf runs like fuck

@Madamecastafiore my son at that time was about 13 years old and has SEN, it was him being playful, not abusive.

Now he's big enough, he runs off with my DP.

Not one point did I say "boys will be boys" nor is it a statement I'd ever say because it's gross.

If you wouldn't tell them if it had been a bruise on the back of your head rather than a black eye I wouldn't tell. The only problem is it's very visible so you will almost certainly have to lie or at least be economical with the truth. You know your son and whether this is totally out of character and a one of, or if it implies a slippery slope, but I would give him one chance, just the one, and tell him in no uncertain terms if anything like that happens again there will be no cover up. Then just say your son accidentally bumped into you, you lost your balance and hit your head, no big deal. No need to spoil his relationship with his GPs over this.

out of interest, what did you say about his girlfriend?

Been with my DH 30 years. Never lifted a finger to me.

He did square up against his mother and yell at her to get the fuck out of his house when she started slagging me off. No he didn't actually touch her but he was vibrating with anger at the age of 50, and I imagine if he'd been younger and stupider he might well have shoved her a bit.

It's not the same as a partner hitting his girlfriend for not cooking his dinner properly or wearing the wrong clothes in any way.

I disagree, I think it is exactly the same. I don't excuse domestic violence under any circumstances.