Page 9 | DD2 lost control, physically hurt us and has now left home forever

LampsAndWatches · 2023-05-07T21:26:42+00:00

DD2 is our middle child and recently turned 19 she had a belated birthday get together at home this evening. A mix of us, her friends and DD1s friends. I don’t have all the details yet, DD1 & 2 argued and before I knew it there was some shoving, hair pulling and punches thrown. Luckily I was close by and managed to get between them, I had to restrain DD2, she went wild trying to get to DD1. This has never, ever happened before. from what I witnessed just as it happened out of no where DD2 instigated it and DD1 tried to duck away and after 2 punches she retaliated with a hair pull. DH told everyone to leave and arranged all of that whilst I sat with (on) DD2 keeping her away from everyone. She then left after throwing a barrage of abuse at me and her dad (DH) she has just returned to bin bag up some belongings along with more abuse she threw a glass bottle of coke at her dad which just missed his head and smashed on the floor. I don’t know where this has come from? we recently discovered she has been doing large quantities of balloons in her car to the point that she wets herself. She promised this wasn’t happening anymore. It was supposed to be a good weekend and turned into this she has blocked me on all social media. I’m in shock at how she behaved, she shoved me and scratched my arm as well as taking some of my personal belongings with her when she “moved out forever and we will never see her again” I need some support and some guidance if possible please.

wishmyhousetidy · 09/05/2023 20:26

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 09/05/2023 20:15

Well...do you retract it? Will you choose your daughter even if it costs some peace and comfort? Anyone who prioritises peace and comfort above all else should not really have kids.

you are a bully- you are not helping you are a playground bully

Original poster

LampsAndWatches · 09/05/2023 20:26

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 09/05/2023 20:21

Nothing to do with us. Everything to do with your daughter. Will you continue to choose peace and comfort over her just to teach us a lesson?

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Again, you know nothing. What a ridiculous sentence you have typed.
I won’t be goaded by you any further

OP posts:

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 09/05/2023 20:37

LampsAndWatches · 09/05/2023 20:26

Again, you know nothing. What a ridiculous sentence you have typed.
I won’t be goaded by you any further

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I know what it's like to be abandoned by my parents. I think you might also not realise how little I've posted on this thread (there are a lot of people on it).

It's not about what you say to us, it's about what you do with your daughter. You don't have to tell us you retract anything, but if you did at one point decide to choose peace and comfort over her, retract that choice.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 09/05/2023 21:48

LampsAndWatches · 09/05/2023 20:06

Do you really need to keep piling on with your made up versions of events around our family dynamics?

I posted during a time of crisis, for us all. looking for support. I don’t have to come back and answer any questions and accusations you demand to know and nor do I have to update on an online forum that I took very little away from during a very difficult time.

apart from largely being attacked. you can make up your own ending on our terrible family. I don’t need anything more from this thread.

and accusing me of not knowing my own autistic daughter, who has been autistic from the day she was born and managing to get to the grand age of 19 before attacking her family whilst most likely on something stronger than balloons? Thanks

I’ve been on Mumsnet much longer than before DD was even born and I have never witnessed such vitriol, hatred and plain nastiness of the majority of posters many who will be very fortunate not to be in desperate need to seek support.

Mumsnet by parents for parents?

and accusing me of not knowing my own autistic daughter, who has been autistic from the day she was born

Hi, autistic here.

You'd be amazed at how little parents can know their kids.

your made up versions of events

I took very little away from during a very difficult time

Those two complaints share the root cause of you not telling us anything like enough to be able to support and advise. Several updates in, you finally drip-fed the information that DD2 is autistic. We still don't know whether you bothered to find out what DD1 said to DD2 in the lead up to the fight. I didn't make up a version of events, I asked questions, got no answers, and took a best guess, based on my own experiences of being the undiagnosed autistic "problem child", as to what might be happening.

I hope DD2 is safe. Her autism makes her vulnerable, as I have already outlined in an earlier comment. If you cannot permit her back into your home, then please support her outside of it. I could have been her.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 09/05/2023 21:54

@LampsAndWatches I just hope you get to the bottom of what's going on and your daughter gets the help she needs for everyone's sake.

As I said things are rarely that simple, sadly as her parent you will have to be the one that finds the balance and puts a lot of work in.

Original poster

LampsAndWatches · 09/05/2023 21:59

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 09/05/2023 21:48

and accusing me of not knowing my own autistic daughter, who has been autistic from the day she was born

Hi, autistic here.

You'd be amazed at how little parents can know their kids.

your made up versions of events

I took very little away from during a very difficult time

Those two complaints share the root cause of you not telling us anything like enough to be able to support and advise. Several updates in, you finally drip-fed the information that DD2 is autistic. We still don't know whether you bothered to find out what DD1 said to DD2 in the lead up to the fight. I didn't make up a version of events, I asked questions, got no answers, and took a best guess, based on my own experiences of being the undiagnosed autistic "problem child", as to what might be happening.

I hope DD2 is safe. Her autism makes her vulnerable, as I have already outlined in an earlier comment. If you cannot permit her back into your home, then please support her outside of it. I could have been her.

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I’m so sorry I wasn’t coherent enough for strangers on the internet in my need to seek a safe place.

demanding answers and speculating wasn’t helpful. I honestly wish I hadn’t bothered reaching out as I didn’t consider needing to reply and answer demanding, bullying and disparaging posters.

the best guesses were so off the mark and our family have enough on our plates working things out without the need to respond here.

no one considered the fact that our family unit have stayed together for over 20 years and we’re facing our DD (autistic or not) heavily using balloons to the point that her normal behaviours changed to such a huge extent.

OP posts:

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 09/05/2023 22:31

LampsAndWatches · 09/05/2023 21:59

I’m so sorry I wasn’t coherent enough for strangers on the internet in my need to seek a safe place.

demanding answers and speculating wasn’t helpful. I honestly wish I hadn’t bothered reaching out as I didn’t consider needing to reply and answer demanding, bullying and disparaging posters.

the best guesses were so off the mark and our family have enough on our plates working things out without the need to respond here.

no one considered the fact that our family unit have stayed together for over 20 years and we’re facing our DD (autistic or not) heavily using balloons to the point that her normal behaviours changed to such a huge extent.

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I did actually consider that this behaviour change is recent. I suggested many things that could have caused it and the drug abuse and suggested that you enquire of DD2 whether any of them were the case. I offered these suggestions to try to help.

Then I got radio silence. I thought that you had made good on your threat to never let DD2 back home and I feared for her. I wondered what the point of starting a support thread is if you aren't going to read the suggestions.

If I wanted a safe space, I would not trust strangers on the internet to provide it. It's the internet, anyone can turn up. I'm posting in good faith, although not very skilfully, judging by your replies to me. There are others who would intentionally troll. DrugFAM would provide you with a safe support service.

Original poster

LampsAndWatches · 09/05/2023 22:45

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 09/05/2023 22:31

I did actually consider that this behaviour change is recent. I suggested many things that could have caused it and the drug abuse and suggested that you enquire of DD2 whether any of them were the case. I offered these suggestions to try to help.

Then I got radio silence. I thought that you had made good on your threat to never let DD2 back home and I feared for her. I wondered what the point of starting a support thread is if you aren't going to read the suggestions.

If I wanted a safe space, I would not trust strangers on the internet to provide it. It's the internet, anyone can turn up. I'm posting in good faith, although not very skilfully, judging by your replies to me. There are others who would intentionally troll. DrugFAM would provide you with a safe support service.

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I didn’t mean everyone. DD isn’t doing anything else, she is drug tested at work but the balloons are enough - enough to wet herself on occasions
I’ve been her hero multiply times in the last 6 months
ive seen my precious DD in situations that many poster just wouldn’t understand

it’s my error. I shouldn’t have posted and won’t ask here ever again

thank you for that last link, I will look again properly in the morning
I’m broken and I’m on my knees

OP posts:

Chicca1970 · 09/05/2023 22:50

@LampsAndWatches Solidarity from me - I have lived through hell with all three of my teens as a single parent - DS25 & DD21 now largely brilliant and DD16 a complete pain in the arse. I have dealt with sectioning, prison, school refusal, many drugs and child to parent abuse - one of my kids is now excelling at a Law Degree and they are all deep down lovely kids but sometimes parents get the absolute worst treatment when the child is experimenting/suffering/transitioning.

Keep lines of communication open, create boundaries (especially after physical abuse which is 100% NOT acceptable), seek to support (sometimes from afar) - and ffs ignore those parents who don’t have a fucking clue what it is like to have a combative, dangerous, manipulative, abusive child because this happens to some of us!

Sending you strength OP and I assure you there is light!

Original poster

LampsAndWatches · 09/05/2023 22:57

Chicca1970 · 09/05/2023 22:50

@LampsAndWatches Solidarity from me - I have lived through hell with all three of my teens as a single parent - DS25 & DD21 now largely brilliant and DD16 a complete pain in the arse. I have dealt with sectioning, prison, school refusal, many drugs and child to parent abuse - one of my kids is now excelling at a Law Degree and they are all deep down lovely kids but sometimes parents get the absolute worst treatment when the child is experimenting/suffering/transitioning.

Keep lines of communication open, create boundaries (especially after physical abuse which is 100% NOT acceptable), seek to support (sometimes from afar) - and ffs ignore those parents who don’t have a fucking clue what it is like to have a combative, dangerous, manipulative, abusive child because this happens to some of us!

Sending you strength OP and I assure you there is light!

Thank you, We are doing well and progressing.
I wish I could offer more here but it’s just not worth it anymore
there are more bullies than before and I’m truly broken and focussing only on our little family

OP posts:

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 09/05/2023 23:10

I didn’t mean everyone

There's my autism showing again. I took you very literally when you said "no one".

I think I misinterpreted your request for help as wanting practical assistance with solving a problem. I suspect that you actually might have wanted someone to tell you that things will be OK. Working to that suspicion: I can't promise that your DD2 will overcome her current difficulties, but I can tell you that in twenty years I've gone from throwing things and self-harming to having a degree, a well-paid job, a mortgage on my own home, and being solvent with some savings. It's still not perfect, I still somehow seem to keep angering people by saying the wrong thing and often wonder how I still have a job, but now that I have my diagnosis as of late last year, I can try to get help with that too.

Does that help at all?

Chicca1970 · 09/05/2023 23:12

Sending you huge hugs OP - This WILL get better - best advice someone gave me is to take one day at a time, these situations are unpredictable and they do surprise you with positive things - you are doing the absolute right thing - you need to focus on your immediate family and yourself to be super strong for your daughter xxxxxx

Original poster

LampsAndWatches · 09/05/2023 23:17

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 09/05/2023 23:10

I didn’t mean everyone

There's my autism showing again. I took you very literally when you said "no one".

I think I misinterpreted your request for help as wanting practical assistance with solving a problem. I suspect that you actually might have wanted someone to tell you that things will be OK. Working to that suspicion: I can't promise that your DD2 will overcome her current difficulties, but I can tell you that in twenty years I've gone from throwing things and self-harming to having a degree, a well-paid job, a mortgage on my own home, and being solvent with some savings. It's still not perfect, I still somehow seem to keep angering people by saying the wrong thing and often wonder how I still have a job, but now that I have my diagnosis as of late last year, I can try to get help with that too.

Does that help at all?

It does help
I’m observant that if I reply to too many positive posts I will get attacked again
i won’t start a new post ever again
I’m so tired and fearful I say something someone will hold against me
I’ll sign off
thank you though

OP posts:

Inyournewdress · 09/05/2023 23:48

I haven’t read the full thread OP so I don’t know the reactions you’ve had and I am sorry it’s been so upsetting. I am not trying to have a go at all when I say please please get her off the roads.

rainbowstardrops · 10/05/2023 09:11

Take care @LampsAndWatches. No judgement from me. I hope you can help your daughter to come back from this episode

MsRosley · 10/05/2023 13:31

To everyone hounding OP for choosing her own sanity in the face of her daughter's drug addiction, I suggest you actually read some stuff from people who've been in her situation. Beautiful Boy by David Sheff and Tweak by his son Nic would be good places to start.

Gagaandgag · 10/05/2023 20:05

Dontknownow86 · 08/05/2023 00:23

I stand by it. Its completely ableist to assume that anyone having an emotional outburst must be ND even if in this particular case they are. Especially when there is so little surrounding context about their normal behavior.

I have ADHD, I am related to several others with ADHD, a close friend is autistic. None of us have ever behaved like this but every time this 'guess' gets trotted out as an immediate response, it colours peoples views and makes it so much harder to discuss.

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We have to agree to disagree. My brother is autistic and did something very similar in my childhood. He also did drugs. My cousin also has PDA and did similar things. My own son who is 7 has ASD and he regularly is physically and emotionally dysregulated.

We are all here to offer advice which may be useful - which come from our own experiences!

Gagaandgag · 10/05/2023 20:06

Newjobformoremoney · 08/05/2023 00:26

@Gagaandgag its really not that black and white. Just because she is neurodiverse doesn't mean they are the cause of the issue. Being neurodiverse is only element of her being, not everything.

Of course it isn’t black and white but being neurodiverse can be a huge factor. It is relevant

wishmyhousetidy · 10/05/2023 20:15

Chicca1970 · 09/05/2023 22:50

@LampsAndWatches Solidarity from me - I have lived through hell with all three of my teens as a single parent - DS25 & DD21 now largely brilliant and DD16 a complete pain in the arse. I have dealt with sectioning, prison, school refusal, many drugs and child to parent abuse - one of my kids is now excelling at a Law Degree and they are all deep down lovely kids but sometimes parents get the absolute worst treatment when the child is experimenting/suffering/transitioning.

Keep lines of communication open, create boundaries (especially after physical abuse which is 100% NOT acceptable), seek to support (sometimes from afar) - and ffs ignore those parents who don’t have a fucking clue what it is like to have a combative, dangerous, manipulative, abusive child because this happens to some of us!

Sending you strength OP and I assure you there is light!

well said, thankyou this is helpful

Gagaandgag · 10/05/2023 20:24

Drippingtaps578 · 08/05/2023 00:42

I don’t think this is at all accurate actually.

First she is an adolescent which means her pre frontal cortex hasn’t fully formed or joined up completely with her limbic system. This makes teens impulsive and reactive.

Second she has been diagnosed with adhd and autism, the first of which impacts on impulsivity and the second can lead to masking resulting in autistic meltdowns.

Op I am sorry you are going through such awful stress but your dd needs help. She needs therapy and possibly medication. She literally sent up a cry of distress tonight. I’m not excusing her behaviour but it’s a massive sign written in 6 ft high capitals that all is not well with her.

I know it’s so hard not to take what she said personally, but please don’t listen to her words, listen to the emotions behind it. When they are acting out in the worst possible way like this is when they often need the most love and understanding (and proper love includes boundary setting and confronting difficult issues) and insistence on compliance with therapy.

The taking of substances is another waving flag. Drug taking is usually avoidant behaviour. What is happening in her life that she finds difficult to face? How is she coping with her adhd and autism? The two together are a big deal. How has she been behaving generally recently? She may have been masking a lot of her worries. The drug taking may be to quiet her over active mind. Does she seem depressed or anxious?

She still very much needs you and her dad. Please keep the lines of communication open. She sounds as if she has good friends and that’s a start.

This organisation may be of some help to you: PEGS UK who offer parental support for Child to Parent Abuse.

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👏

User4891 · 10/05/2023 20:46

Gagaandgag · 10/05/2023 20:24

👏

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I'm going to refer back to my previous post about DH's brother... He has had every ounce if support. Never been left homeless. Even when parents haven't had him under their roof they fund accomodation for him. Paid a fortune for him to do rehab and goodness knows what else. Gave him all the emotional energy and money in the world and threw my little family under the bus in the process to a point that we were a whisker away from going NC. And tbh he's a middle aged man now and still couldn't give a shit. One of the times I really lost it with him (when we were still in contact) was when he was slagging off my in-laws for giving him too much help as it apparently was then their fault that he was unable to get out of these situations. I was angry at him for being narcicistic enough to gaslight them so awfully but he had a point. He's where he is now being an absolute waste of air because he's expected his family and the entire world to pussyfoot around him. Love bomb all you want OP but please understand that if you give her enough of a crutch and pander to her insanely antisocial behaviour then she might never change and you'll be stuck with god knows what horror until the day you die... and you might just lose your other children/grandchildren in the process. I'm not saying abandon her but you have to set very firm boundaries or I'm afraid you really are screwed

Dontknownow86 · 10/05/2023 20:50

Gagaandgag · 10/05/2023 20:05

We have to agree to disagree. My brother is autistic and did something very similar in my childhood. He also did drugs. My cousin also has PDA and did similar things. My own son who is 7 has ASD and he regularly is physically and emotionally dysregulated.

We are all here to offer advice which may be useful - which come from our own experiences!

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I'm not willing to engage with you on this anymore. If you cant see why making the assumption that someone MUST be neurodivergent based purely on the fact there has been a violent outburst and no other information, then there is less hope for you than for us.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 10/05/2023 21:41

Dontknownow86 · 10/05/2023 20:50

I'm not willing to engage with you on this anymore. If you cant see why making the assumption that someone MUST be neurodivergent based purely on the fact there has been a violent outburst and no other information, then there is less hope for you than for us.

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The OP said that DD2 is autistic...

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 10/05/2023 21:44

MsRosley · 10/05/2023 13:31

To everyone hounding OP for choosing her own sanity in the face of her daughter's drug addiction, I suggest you actually read some stuff from people who've been in her situation. Beautiful Boy by David Sheff and Tweak by his son Nic would be good places to start.

Can you be addicted to nitrous oxide?

Original poster

LampsAndWatches · 10/05/2023 21:56

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 10/05/2023 21:41

The OP said that DD2 is autistic...

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DD is autistic
this is very new behaviour, never happened before
we as a family have managed DDs autism for 19 years without major drama at home (school was a different story especially senior school)
I believe this new, unacceptable behaviour was due to major use of balloons which I’m steadfastly reading up on including the links and web support some helpful posters left on this thread.

DD has obviously had melt downs when we have missed the warning signs but nothing this severe and physical. Please don’t forget she came back the next day and we remained calm and kept balanced and she still threw a glass bottle at her dad.

in our home life experience that is not a melt down caused by her diagnosis.

OP posts: