DD2 lost control, physically hurt us and has now left home forever

[LampsAndWatches]

DD2 is our middle child and recently turned 19
she had a belated birthday get together at home this evening. A mix of us, her friends and DD1s friends.

I don’t have all the details yet, DD1 & 2 argued and before I knew it there was some shoving, hair pulling and punches thrown. Luckily I was close by and managed to get between them, I had to restrain DD2, she went wild trying to get to DD1. This has never, ever happened before.

from what I witnessed just as it happened out of no where DD2 instigated it and DD1 tried to duck away and after 2 punches she retaliated with a hair pull.

DH told everyone to leave and arranged all of that whilst I sat with (on) DD2 keeping her away from everyone. She then left after throwing a barrage of abuse at me and her dad (DH)

she has just returned to bin bag up some belongings along with more abuse she threw a glass bottle of coke at her dad which just missed his head and smashed on the floor. I don’t know where this has come from?

we recently discovered she has been doing large quantities of balloons in her car to the point that she wets herself. She promised this wasn’t happening anymore. It was supposed to be a good weekend and turned into this
she has blocked me on all social media.

I’m in shock at how she behaved, she shoved me and scratched my arm as well as taking some of my personal belongings with her when she “moved out forever and we will never see her again”

I need some support and some guidance if possible please.

But this IS a situation of domestic abuse , the abusr being the OPs adult , drug taking daughter .

Yes I appreciate there is the added element of ADHD

But the One Strike and You're Out only seems to apply if it's "perpertated by men"

If the DD had been a DS he'd be out on his arse , don't look back , eh?

Have you been able to find out why the argument between your DDs started? I wonder whether your middle DD knows more about what is going on with your DD1.

added element of ADHD
😂😂😂It's at the core and centre, not an "added element".

OK , that was clumsy but what I meant was it is t be taken on board in the whole picture as the 19yo DD is vunerable due to her (as confirmed by the OP ) Austism and ADHD

But she is an adukt
And she threw a glass bottle at her parent after returning home .

So my original point about the advice given when a partner is abusive is to LTB , still stands .

And as many people have pointed out , having a diagnosis of ADHD doesn't mean they are abusive .

I feel somehow, this is yet another thread designed to coax out those judgy-pants who love to show off their ignorance about ADHD and ASD. There have been so many on MN recently.

OP, what is the best possible outcome you wish for in your current situation and how will you and your family help make it happen? Or are you just going to give up on your 'faulty' child? The child that has probably got CPTSD on top of ADHD and ASD. What does your dh say? Or does he do as he is told?

You've articulated what was started to niggle at me: the presence of DD1's friends at DD2's party

• Does DD2 get to have any event that she is fully in control of and centred in, or do DD1 and DD3 always get to invite people, have a say in how it's run, etc?
• DD2 is autistic and at her party there were a bunch of people who she didn't choose and may not know well in the house. For an autistic person, that's a big ask.
• Are any of DD1's friends male? Did any of them hit on DD2? Had anyone at that party behaved in a sexual and inappropriate way to DD2 in the past?
• What did DD1 say and do in the lead up to the fight? Because my DSis knows how to push my buttons and can be a shitty little troll when she feels like it.

What also stands out is that you don't know what happened prior to the fight but are blaming DD2 regardless. How often is she the scapegoat? And I agree why were her sisters friends at her party? I would be a bit peeved if at my party a load of random people showed up.
You also sound relieved that your daughter left, not concerned or worried about her. No worry considering she has autism and is possibly on drugs, if it was me I'd be far more concerned about her than any other family members. She should be your priority but doesn't sound like she has any place in your list of priorities at all. I feel sorry for her.

Read https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/raped-sixty-times-hospital-mental-3016375 and <a class="break-all" href="http://web.archive.org/web/20070126010618/www.ohiosilc.org:80/news/threads_v3_n1/2000win3.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://web.archive.org/web/20070126010618/www.ohiosilc.org:80/news/threads_v3_n1/2000win3.html and https://www.womensrights.network/hospital-report and https://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/dec/31/sexual-violence-soars-uk-hospitals and https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/mental-health-nhs-psychiatric-wards-sexual-abuse-rape-assault-misogyny-a8533931.html and https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-63061077?s=09

And then tell me that female patients have nothing to worry about. It only takes one staff member on a team to rape patients repeatedly. No one said that staff member was your DH.

Yes, this. I suspect that DD2 had been cast as the "problem child" in this family for a very long time.

Have you any idea how many of those reports are actually made up? How many nurses of both sexes are accused of assaults every single day? One patient my husband treated reported him for raping her, he was on holiday at the time and he was the 14th member of staff she accused. My friends nurse husband was suspended for 2 weeks after an accusation that was proved untrue after a very embarrassing investigation. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but the number of accusations aren't a correct tally of ACTUAL assaults and I'd wager that staff assaults are still higher. Thankfully my husbands ward has cameras so false accusations are much less likely as the patients know there's little point as they won't go anywhere.

Domestic abuse can also be committed by women.

Have you managed to cut off her access to a vehicle yet? I am concerned that every additional minute that passes before that happens, the chances increase of your daughter killing or maiming an innocent child, adult, family. That seems a more urgent priority than working out why your dd has these problems. While someone is an active shooter you focus on taking out that threat, not on discussing what conditions they might have that led to it.

These are the reports made to the police. We know from research by Rape Crisis that only one rape in ten is reported to the police. So the actual number of rapes will be more than those researchers found.

Whilst I'm sure that there are patients who make repeated accusations, I'm sure that the majority of accusations are well-founded.

Did you read the account on archive.org of the ex-staff member who tied a woman to the bed overnight, later heard her being raped, and did nothing? Are you aware that even on wards with cameras, the staff know where the cameras don't cover and some of them use that information to abuse patient?

My point remains that the advice to the OP to get DD2 sectioned is a bad idea.

Me too. For the sounds of it she's struggled for a really long time which makes the decision to let DD1 be at her party with her own friends really fucking bizarre. It's almost as if she's been set up to have a meltdown in front of everyone so they can say "see, we told you how difficult she is".

And the OP seems happy that she's gone.

If she were mine she'd be my first priority now, not my last.

Have you heard from your dd? I hope she is ok.

You're right. The more I think about it, the more I think that DD2 has been framed as the "problem child" because of her autism and @LampsAndWatches has been looking for an excuse to get rid of her for a while. Anyone with a shred of awareness about autism wouldn't let someone else bring guests to the autistic person's party because being stuck in a room full of new people is going to be stressful for the autistic person.

I notice that @LampsAndWatches has disappeared and not responded to any of the points anyone has made about the possibility of DD2 being the victim of sexual assault, county lines, etc.

I remember sitting on the kitchen floor slicing up my arms with the shards of the mug I'd just thrown at the wall. If my mum had barred me from the house then, I'd be dead now.

Agree that the family dynamic seems to have DD2 down as the problem child, rather than the vulnerable child.

I just can’t get over the portrayal of her drug use as proof that she’s bad, rather than troubled. It seems to me that OP decided to wash her hands of her daughter long before this party incident.

The way people pile in like bullies on Mumsnet astounds and disappoints me. A mum writes in asking for advice. Family relationships are complex and the mum obviously cares or she wouldn’t come on this site for advice. People parent the best they can and we all find certain periods of our children’s life difficult to negotiate. The last thing this mother needs is the quite vicious remarks that have now appeared. I parent a gorgeous daughter with mental health issues who uses drugs and it’s difficult, very very difficult and however much you love your child there are times when being around them is more than you can bear. Unless you have walked in those shoes keep your judgement to yourself.

Some of us have been the child.

There's been a lot more pile on on the druggie daughter. She's been called lots of names and OP was repeatedly told to wash her hand off her and to be honest, OP found quite a bit of comfort and reassurance for her decision to choose "peace and comfort" over her daughter.This is just the other side of the coin.

Because 99% of the time it's not that simple and basic.

Do you really need to keep piling on with your made up versions of events around our family dynamics?

I posted during a time of crisis, for us all. looking for support. I don’t have to come back and answer any questions and accusations you demand to know and nor do I have to update on an online forum that I took very little away from during a very difficult time.

apart from largely being attacked. you can make up your own ending on our terrible family. I don’t need anything more from this thread.

and accusing me of not knowing my own autistic daughter, who has been autistic from the day she was born and managing to get to the grand age of 19 before attacking her family whilst most likely on something stronger than balloons? Thanks

I’ve been on Mumsnet much longer than before DD was even born and I have never witnessed such vitriol, hatred and plain nastiness of the majority of posters many who will be very fortunate not to be in desperate need to seek support.

Mumsnet by parents for parents?

one clumsy comment whilst in distress after witnessing a very distressing situation.

people love to grab on to that and run with it. It’s plain nastiness

Well...do you retract it? Will you choose your daughter even if it costs some peace and comfort? Anyone who prioritises peace and comfort above all else should not really have kids.

Retract it to you and a hoard of nasty strangers? No
and the rest is none of your business

Nothing to do with us. Everything to do with your daughter. Will you continue to choose peace and comfort over her just to teach us a lesson?