18 yr old son made supid comment in group caht with serious consequences

[helgarr]

My son has got involved in a group chat where he went to defend his friend but said something stupid to the girl involved related to a footballer which had horrible misogynistic connotations. Understandably his school have taken it seriously and he now likely to have serious sanctions at school and possible police action if the girl's parents take it further. He seriously regerets what he said and is really worried about his future. He does have aspergers tendencies and finds relectinig on his actions difficult. Does anyone have any advice on what may happen if the police are involved or he gets expelled from school.

Don’t be ridiculous… the OP’s son does not have a diagnosis of autism, therefore she cannot throw around that he has Asperger’s traits, which she thinks explains/excuses and minimises his actions. In 18 years, if she truly believed her son was autistic, then she’s had ample time for him to be in the system and assessed, backlog or not.

Due to her thinking/inkling/beliefs .. not actual FACT, others posters are therefore giving a false excuse/explanation for a young man’s inappropriate actions.

Let’s hope the police deal with this appropriately.

There is some real nonsense on this thread in respect of autism.

To get a diagnosis someone will have been assessed as meeting the DSM5 diagnostic criteria requiring evidence of persistent deficits in three areas, social communication and interaction and repetitive behaviour. DSM5 describes three levels of severity: requires support; requires substantial support, requires very substantial report.

'at the mildest end it blends into 'normal' functioning' is simply not true in respect of the assessment criteria.

However, what PP may have observed is 'masking', a very stressful attempt to hide oneself, in order to fit-in in a neurotypical world, in order to reduce stigma, which generally comes at significant personal cost in terms of stress/mental health.

Don't use disability as an excuse.

No we don’t know … and until he has a diagnosis we shouldn’t be assuming he has, and therefore excusing or minimising his despicable actions. OP has had 18 years to help her son, get him in the system .. but she has chosen not to. Interpret that how you will, but it speaks volumes to me.

Well given op isn't clarifying what he said and I think if it was just a small 'wrong' thing, she would have said, am assuming it was pretty vile.

@ancientgran kind of. I think most people tend to think of a spectrum as the classic electro magnetic spectrum in a straight line. But if you take a colour such as dark blue it can sit in the same place along the spectrum as light blue but have a different intensity.

No, but it results in an official diagnosis or not. This thread has been completely derailed purely because the OP chose to play a ‘non’ disability card 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just to say - so much focus on whether OP's son is diagnosed or not is a load of rubbish and very misleading. My dc was on a waiting list for autism assessment via CAMHS from age 14 through to his 17th birthday. At that point they kicked him off the list and said he had to be re-referred to adult services, which the GP did. He's just turned 18 and finally received a letter acknowledging the referral and telling him the waiting list for assessment is currently up to 4 years. In the end we gave up and have paid for a private assessment, so now he does finally have a diagnosis of autism & ADHD. But he is no different in terms of his neurodiversity and the impact it has on this life than he was prior to diagnosis. It's really frustrating when people claim someone's experience of autism is only valid if they have a piece of paper confirming it.

Do you not think of this was the case for OPDS OP would have mentioned it instead of a half hearted bullshit apology about terminology?

Of course she would have.

Lots of people are undiagnosed, but have traits of autism because yes, indeed it fades out population-wise.
I know many adults who have no idea their thinking is mildly autistic.
The threshold of diagnosis creates this false dichotomy and some people are very emotionally tied to this because of the social consequences of a diagnosis.

The battle for diagnosis is similar to the phenomenon of dyslexia, pre SpLD days. But that's another issue.

That’s not my take on what’s happening here - the OP has flippantly thrown in the ‘non’ disability card, as though it excuses why her son has behaved inappropriately. Whether he’s autistic or not, doesn’t give him the right to behave this way, end of. Others have seen the ‘autism’ and are also then minimising what he’s done. If OP hadn’t put those words in, the thread would have turned out very differently, and the OP knows that.

The assessment system is understaffed and underfund, as you’ve experienced, but the OP has chosen not to have her son assessed, either as a child nor adult. She can’t really therefore explain his actions away so flippantly.

Not sure about OP, just pointing out how misleading the many many comments are suggesting that autism (or any neurodivergence) does not exist and can't be mentioned until it's been formally diagnosed, despite the bloody nightmare involved even to just get to the assessment stage.

Exactly so

You are assuming facts not in evidence.

I'm not assuming anything. I am just stating the diagnostic criteria.

No need.We know the diagnostic criteria. You aren't enlightening us.

9 pages full of people talking about ASD, autism, ADHD, waking lists and funding. All irrelevant.

FFS get back to the actual issue at hand.

OP if the school are talking possible expulsion and the police being involved, then he hasn’t just said something stupid or silly. If it’s that serious you and your son need to take a long hard look at his attitude towards women. Stop defending him and make sure he takes responsibility for his actions and words. If he gets expelled or has the police knocking on the door, then so be it.

Oh interesting. Who exactly is 'we'? Doubt everyone on the thread is familiar with DSM5 criteria or the debate about the usefulness and accuracy of severe Vs mild, or high functioning vs low functioning labels?

I wish MN had a like button. This!

Well said Lucy

In the absence of clarification one makes the as sumption of rape threat or apology which is not acceptable

As a parent of a child with ASD, I detest it being used as a reason to minimise vile behaviour. You can have ASD and not be misogynistic, thoughtless and unkind, plenty of people manage it. Those aren't 'aspergers tendencies' !! They're the tendencies of a nasty person.
I also hate it when parents play the 'autism card' without even going through the stress and work of getting a diagnosis. You haven't earned the right to use it. Its insulting to all of the people with ASD and their parents, who work hard to help their children and raise them to be fantastic people despite their struggles.
If you really think your child has ASD then get him a diagnosis, don't just wheel out the aspergers excuse whenever its convenient.

What on earth did he say that was so bad the Police may get involved?!

Honestly, everyone needs to stop gatekeeping diagnosis and words. Just because you, your child or whoever has a diagnosis doesn’t mean you are the great ruler of who can and can’t mention these things and what language they should use.

There are still people walking around who were diagnosed as Asperger’s and that’s their identity, as it has been their whole lives.

There are many adults and children that won’t be put through or be able to receive an official diagnoses for a variety of reasons.

None of you own Autism / ASD / ASC. Being a parent does not give you the right to stomp others down. Have some compassion for those without their certificate to prove their difficulties for a start.

Have some compassion for those without their certificate to prove their difficulties for a start.

It's hard to have compassion when people think shitty behaviour probably means autism. It just minimises the shitty behaviour and spreads the false idea that autistic people can't help their shitty behaviour.

OK, this is a difficult situation, here are my thoughts - I'm not a lawyer but through my work have a lot of experience of the law and its procedures.

Facts:
We don't know what your son has done as you havn't said, but it seems likely he's made a threat.
Your son is not diagnosed as autistic, so whilst that is an interesting discussion, its not relevant.

First make contact monday morning with a local firm of solicitors and talk to their criminal law specialist, put them in the picture, they shouldn't charge for this few minutes, but you then have a solicitor ready if needs be.

It is rather common for people to say "the police are involved" when they are not, its a good threat to chuck out. If the matter has been reported it may be followed up, it might not, the police will decide.

Until they make contact assume that they are not involved. If they do get involved you may get a letter inviting your son to an informal interview, or a uniform officer may call by.

It is important to note you do not have to speak to the police at this stage, different solicitors have different views on this, these voluntary interview are used by the police as a fishing expedition to see if they can extract more info from you and if they can get enough to make a charge - never attend a voluntary interview without a solicitor present.

If you don't attend the voluntary interview the police will decide if they have enough evidence to warrant an arrest, in which case your son would be arrested and interviewed, the result is the same an interview at which a solicitor must be present in your best interests.

In respect of the girl, have no communication with her or other members of the chat group, this is grown up stuff, a letter of apology is a gift to the prosecution - if it did go all the way to court the defence is going to want to pick her integrity to bits, so you don't want to be helping her out.

With regards to the school, the fact it has been intimated this is a legal matter is a bit of a gift. If they make contact advise them that all communications must go via your solicitors.

Remember every word typed, every word spoken can and will be used in evidence AGAINST your son, so any words need to be carefully considered by a legal professional so as you don't dig yourselves in.