Life with teenagers is joyless

[Courgeon]

I'm not enjoying being a parent of my 2 teenagers dd 16 and ds 13. They're not especially badly behaved but they are grumpy, rude, ungrateful and just generally rubbish company. Sorry! Completely wasted money booking nice Christmas events this year just got scowled at and asked when home. Dd does not join in with family life AT ALL never comes anywhere with us stays in her room most of the time doesn't even eat with us.

Ds started getting same attitude doesn't chat with us and dislikes everything he used to enjoy doing, cycling, swimming, squash, hiking, reading, games are now all boring. They do at least have a hobby each that they do fairly intensively and enjoy. They are so different we can't do anything together. Spent £££ going to London to go to a West end show dd enjoyed, DS scowled throughout.

Holidays are a complete other level of stress and drama and makes me really sad. DH can be a bit tricky on holiday as well, it's way too intense and uncomfortable just being the 4 of us but they won't go off together and make holiday friends in resorts etc, don't want to go anywhere. I've resigned myself to solo holidays for a bit which is pretty shit, DH can't come with as they're too young to both be left at home and grandparents aren't an option. Despite me taking DDS friends away with us multiple times it's not been reciprocated and as I find it incredibly stressful I'm not doing that again. We could take a mate for DS this August but that really impacts my enjoyment as I just can't relax looking after someone else's kid.

I just feel any joy has been sucked out of family life, they can't be bothered with Xmas and have been really rude that I shouldn't have bought them anything as they don't like presents.

They both stay in a lot as well and are literally a really heavy presence in the house. Drives me a bit mad as I went out loads more at their age. Know I could do some kind of limitation of devices and force them to do family stuff but I just can't be bothered with the battle and the sullen sulky faces and blood out of a stone conversations. Not looking forward to Xmas and extremely fed up.

I feel.your pain. Mine are 19 amd 17 and don't want to engage with me much st all. I booked a few days in a cheap hotel in London over Christmas with the idea of is having a happy family time but the reality is I'll.spend a lot of money and time yrying to prise them off their.phone and wishing it was over. Completely fed up of them too

Yep that's why when we went to London I wore myself out getting ourselves there and back in one day (northern city, 2 hours down there 3 hours back because of engineering works) so we got up really early to get there in time for our matinée which DS didn't enjoy. They were both exhausted but just couldn't face the scowling faces stuck in an apartment together and the extra £300 spent at least!

This does sound hard for you all.

I would suggest a day of no devices for any of you at a weekend. Tell the kids you miss them and feel like the family is fracturing, which is why you're suggesting no devices for a day. Tell the kids they get to decide together what you should do, but it has to be jointly decided ipon by them

So, we do board games marathons with our 2 who are nearly 16 and 10. They decide the games they want to play and we all play them. Then they have to jointly pick a family film to watch and we watch it together. When the weather is good, they decide the family walk we are going on etc etc.

The thing is, none of us are allowed devices on these family days, which is why I think they work for us. Might be worth a try?

Sounds like you need to do separate activities with them so that you aren't making the other do something they dislike.
And what does your DH say about it all?

For me/dh the key is to do different activities with them that they each enjoy and have less whole family days out.

The family is completely fractured dd is a nightmare to be honest with her rudeness and stroppiness but DS is so quiet he's not great at conversation and is completely engrossed in his virtual reality headset. However on the rare occasions dd tries to chat with him he just grunts one word replies which is rude. We are all very different to be honest. The boardgames wouldn't work as I detest them! Films are tricky as we have different tastes but very rarely there's a crossover. Hiking and bike rides used to work but I suppose the weather is crap. Meals out can be ok but it's touch and go if DD will start acting up and being rude. I've walked out of restaurants before due to how horrible she is to me.

DH and DD have a very volatile relationship currently as he's not coping with her rudeness at all so they have quite explosive arguments and he dishes out what I consider quite over the top punishments and get upset. DDS behaviour causes a lot of friction between me and him, he thinks I'm too soft. I want her to know that she's loved but she's hard bloody work. She was lovely in London though... Maybe should do more of that even though it's ££!

How much time are they spending alone? How much time do they spend on their phones/gaming?

I hear you and have posted before about how hard it is going on holiday with my two who hate each other and hate spending time as a family and like different things. (Lone parent so no option to divide and conquer). This year I have booked no Christmas events except one panto. I stopped doing Christmas Eve boxes when they acted totally uninterested (although they they didn’t arrive they seemed disappointed). I used to be really active taking them places but there is no point. I am trying to make them at least spend time downstairs rather than in their room. Apart from that I have no good ideas.

I also have a massive problem finding films everyone one likes.

They are alone a fair bit, DS spends way too much time on his headset but he does FDI his piano practice everyday and when he sees his friends they will go to the park or something. Dd on her phone a lot but also meets friends for a smoothie go up cinema etc. They have a nice life, cinema, bowling alley, ice rink and multiple cafes and restaurants all within walking distance or easy public transport!

My personal opinion (which generally appears to be unpopular on here) is that you should limit their time on devices.

I think they will eventually be happier and thank you for it in the long run. I think too much time alone when in the teenage years is bad for them. If they are out a lot with friends, then this is great, but I wouldn't like mine to be in their rooms too much and not interacting with people in real life.

My now 19 year old was hell on earth from 12-15. He started to come out of the fog at 15. He can be intensly funny, charming and witty and quite loving but also a bit of a selfish dick and uncommunicative often. Been out for lunch with him today and got stuck in traffic for two hours blasting out his music which we both really enjoyed.

Ds15 on the other hand is mostly a delight and very even tempered. Always has been. So hang onto some hope. I think being vile is part of normal development.

I don’t find the same but that holding you to emotional ransom wouldn’t be tolerated in my house. It is pure manipulation them creating an environment where you have to walk on eggshells around their emotions. We deal with that stuff head on and sometimes equally it can be us as parents being the arseholes but we all, kids and parents, challenge it and deal with the issue head on to nip it in the bud.

For us though holidays more or less always involve other families with similar aged kids or alternatively bringing friends along.

They grow up into lovely people. My daughter aged 15 spent an entire holiday in Mallorca in her room and wouldn't come out. I'm just about to book a lovely week away with her now that she's 23.

I agree with the holding to ransom thing. I am eggshelling it's bonkers! I have to admit re holidays we did do with other families/bring a friend along but there's always dynamics issues. And after 16 years of parenting I don't find being away in a group/with another kid enjoyable. I'm an introvert and I want to just do our own thing on holiday, I hate having to plan and factor in other people's needs (apart from my own family) and find the enforced social aspect very very draining.

I wish I had good advice OP, but I'll leave that to other posters. Just wanted to offer understanding, empathy and commiserations. It's really tough. I can only agree with PP about limiting time on devices. But ultimately I think you just need to grin, bear it, try to stay cheerful and set an example through your own behaviour - even though they may well ignore it now, at least in future they will look back at the example you set. Not easy, I know OP. Good luck, stay strong

Agree it can be a very stressful age.
Unfortunately with that long list of hobbies that they no longer enjoy, I feel that is fairly inevitable. My dds don't enjoy any of my hobbies. Weve got 2 more or less unused bikes in the garage.
And holidays - in the end we would ask for suggestions and that did help. We went for a city break to Edinburgh on the back of that which worked out v well.

Dd1 did start improving as a 17yo. Just becoming less goady , thinking before being rude or insulting.

Mine are similar. We went away to London and had the same issue DS hates shopping DD hates sight seeing! I just drank wine! Something that seems to
Work is when have adult friends over, my DD quite likes coming down for a cheeky drink and listening to the chatter. I feel if we can role model social fun and behaviour they may come out the other side!! They definitely don't social lose as much but I guess a lot of that is done at school 🏫 r on social media now. Holidays now are based on sun, sports and Insta pictures! They will come good in the end. Don't give up and make sure they know you are still fun and having a good time.....even if they are grumpy

Teenagers are the worst. Mine ( dd14) is absolutely FUMING with me as she said a few weeks ago that she was really interested in becoming a marine biologist in the future. She was all into watching documentaries and we are a huge animal loving family with extensive exotic animal experience. I actually know several marine biologists. Being the absolute monster that I am I arranged for her to do a (perfectly safe) shark dive and now in enemy #1 and the most selfish and least understanding mother in the entire world. Just because she SAID she wanted to be a marine biologist didn't mean she wanted to to actually DO marine biology-ing, not even for recreational fun. Im cruel and mean.

So now I keep calling her Sharky and playing the Jaws danger music and I think it's hilarious 😂🤷🏼‍♀️

Take the screens away /severely limit screen time, get them out and about and watch your children return to normal 👍🏼 so many teenagers ruling the roost with screen time 😬🤦🏼 I despair for humanity tbh, it's rife amongst my children's friends and they're still mid primary. I wish people would get a grip and set limits for children with tech just as you would with sugar/anything else that's highly addictive mad harmful. Yes harmful. Try being a teacher to a class of kids who have been plugged in to their devices all week and you will see what I mean. Good luck with it.

I feel your pain. We like to drive to really remote places and onto the continent so that the kids can’t connect to the internet 😬.

threatening and taking away the devices didn’t really work. Just raised our blood pressure more.

Yep we went to Barcelona and that was ok, had something everyone enjoyed. However we did have to bring DDS friend who's a lovely girl but literally has no boundaries or guidance from her own parents and was a little wild! I think part of the problem is DH he oscillates from very lenient to ridiculously strict, no middle ground

How would it be if you said directly to them in the moment what you are doing is very uncomfortable for me I feel am walking around on eggshells trying to deal with x behaviour? That is how those conversations start with our teens and vice versa when we are the assholes.

Generally from my experience of teens (I teach that age group and am a leader for that age group too so I do have a fair bit of experience with them) they aren’t total arseholes and there is an actual problem/issue for them that is causing their negative emotions leading to their negative behaviour to begin with which in turn is leaving you walking on egg shells. Lots of times in our house it is down to them feeling unnecessarily controlled in something we aren’t even thinking of.

We also tend to negotiate parameters and chores and expectations in advance and bribe for good behaviour/outcome with something they want from the situation.

I’m not saying this to minimise your feelings in any way, because no matter how big or small our problems might appear to others, they are always valid to us, but it could honestly be soooo much worse. We see time and time again on here, desperate parents at their wits end as their teens have gone off the rails with drugs/drink and sex etc. A lot of teens go “into” themselves and naturally break off from the family hubbub, but they do eventually wander back in. Forcing them to join in, will only get their backs up, so just let them be, and as long as they are not causing harm to themselves or anyone else then that’s the main thing. Use this time for you, and your interests/hobbies. As for your DD with her rudeness, I would still address that as a separate issue.

It’s rubbish for you but I do think this is normal for a lot of teenagers and they won’t be like this forever!