Life with teenagers is joyless

[Courgeon]

I'm not enjoying being a parent of my 2 teenagers dd 16 and ds 13. They're not especially badly behaved but they are grumpy, rude, ungrateful and just generally rubbish company. Sorry! Completely wasted money booking nice Christmas events this year just got scowled at and asked when home. Dd does not join in with family life AT ALL never comes anywhere with us stays in her room most of the time doesn't even eat with us.

Ds started getting same attitude doesn't chat with us and dislikes everything he used to enjoy doing, cycling, swimming, squash, hiking, reading, games are now all boring. They do at least have a hobby each that they do fairly intensively and enjoy. They are so different we can't do anything together. Spent £££ going to London to go to a West end show dd enjoyed, DS scowled throughout.

Holidays are a complete other level of stress and drama and makes me really sad. DH can be a bit tricky on holiday as well, it's way too intense and uncomfortable just being the 4 of us but they won't go off together and make holiday friends in resorts etc, don't want to go anywhere. I've resigned myself to solo holidays for a bit which is pretty shit, DH can't come with as they're too young to both be left at home and grandparents aren't an option. Despite me taking DDS friends away with us multiple times it's not been reciprocated and as I find it incredibly stressful I'm not doing that again. We could take a mate for DS this August but that really impacts my enjoyment as I just can't relax looking after someone else's kid.

I just feel any joy has been sucked out of family life, they can't be bothered with Xmas and have been really rude that I shouldn't have bought them anything as they don't like presents.

They both stay in a lot as well and are literally a really heavy presence in the house. Drives me a bit mad as I went out loads more at their age. Know I could do some kind of limitation of devices and force them to do family stuff but I just can't be bothered with the battle and the sullen sulky faces and blood out of a stone conversations. Not looking forward to Xmas and extremely fed up.

Taking away the broadband / devices is not the solution imo. Whether we like it or not teens communicate differently.

Let them be, hold them to certain standards / expectations and they will hopefully like you again one day.

I have a 21, 18 and 15 year old, so you have my sympathy OP.

The not eating together bothered me. Meal times are really important in my house and unless someone is out of the house all meals are eaten at the table (no phones). Tonight my 15 y.o DS cooked dinner and his 17 y.o DD will cook tomorrow because DH and I are working all week. You say your kids don't want to spend time with you, bit a lot of your comments could be read that you don't want to spend time with them either. Get them doing some stuff round the house, find some TV you can watch together ( half hour comedy stuff is good - in lockdown we got in a routine where at 9.30 every night we watched something together). Your DD should have a job. Gets them some cash and enforces a routine. Good luck but you are going to have to flex a bit in your thinking if you want things to change.

The main together issue is holidays but that's more than just them. DH isn't great on family holidays either, in fact he's really hard work he's just not trust interested in any of the types of holidays I like. I'd rather take them away without him as I'm a lot more laid back but they're so different and I worry that they'd be bored just me and one of them individually. Plus I'm not taking a friend as I find it too stressful so it all feels a bit stuck.

Can I join please I need a hand hold. Dd1 sarcasm and passion aggression has just flipped dp tonight (father to all the dc) and yelled at her which made dd2 sob for ages. The one comment on its own didn't warrant this it's been a death of 1000 cuts type situation. Earlier in the day dp has offered to do a specific thing for dd1 which she dismissed. It was quite meaningful and I think dp had been quietly upset about it for a few hours.

Dd1 is 13.3 and it feels like this is just beginning.

I do want to spend time with them but yes I'll be honest I find all of us being at home so much very intense all that forced togetherness! I'd find a routine of watching a TV programme together at a set time every night oppressive. Lockdown was a killer for us all boxed in together day in day out. Although I appreciate that's just me I had friends who absolutely loved it as they're hugely co-dependent with their DHS and liked them being at home with them all the time and not able to go out to the pub. I am very very independent, I go out and do my own thing a lot, currently as it feels so intense at home. Eating together is important but not if we do it rigidly every day. But I do own that part of this maybe me and the fact everyone being here so much just feels a bit overwhelming. DH worked away before lockdown and me and the kids just mooched along happily in our own little rhythm. Him being here at home constantly has changed the dynamic and DD I think finds it quite hard as he's a lot less easy going that me.

My DH is like this, gets very personally affronted if he feels upset by DD if he feels she's rejecting him in some way. They have to learn to not brood and ruminate over it, you have to let things go with teenagers otherwise you'll go mad and explode!

My DH is like this, gets very personally affronted if he feels upset by DD if he feels she's rejecting him in some way. They have to learn to not brood and ruminate over it, you have to let things go with teenagers otherwise you'll go mad and explode!

Yes this is exactly what's happening. My way to deal with it is say what I need to and dish the consequence and move on.

Dd2 is 10 but very baby. She's finding all this so stressful. Just been an awful evening.

OP read “Get out of my life! But first can you give me a lift to town?”
It really helped me keep teen behaviour in perspective. My DDs are now 22 and 18 and the eldest has moved out. They became quite different from each other during the teen years. Have always pulled them up on rudeness but allowed eye rolling and the odd slammed door.

I say allowed, I mean tactically ignoring it.

I worry that they'd be bored just me and one of them individually.

I think holidays with one parent and one teen can actually work really well as they get so much individual attention. My DH took DD on holiday just before the pandemic ( to somewhere that DS wasn’t interested in at the time, plus it was much cheaper for just two people!) and he’s planning to take DS on an individual holiday this year. They really bond planning it together.

While they were away, I visited my side of the family with DS and may do the same with DD next year if she can fit me into her summer schedule (she’ll be 18 then and has her own plans)🤣

It's normal for teenagers not to want to spend time with their parents. Just leave them be. Stop booking stuff they won't enjoy. I hardly see DD these days. She's happy in her room. And I'm happy that she's in her room, not out getting involved in sex/drugs/rubbish.

I love having the remote to myself. She wanders down every now and then and we watch something together. She's grumpy. She doesn't know why. I do! It's just her hormones. She talks to me when she's got a problem or wants to know what's for dinner.

Honestly... the harder you try to force 'family time' the more they'll rebel.

Yes I think you're right, I'm going to stop booking stuff apart from the ballet/, musicals with dd as she does enjoy that.... Her interests are very ££! Re the individual thing I'm going to book London again just me and her, do theatre and meal then take her to a cool bar in the evening for a couple of drinks. Stay somewhere central. I think that will work.

DS maybe a camping pod somewhere, that's not so easy.

Agree with pp that it’s probably a good idea to try and bond with them separately if they are so different. Also agree that it’s ridiculously hard work but remember it’s a phase and they will both come out of the difficult teen years and you will probably all laugh about how moody they were.

For now, to try and maintain your relationship with them, my advice would be to try and spend a bit of time with each teen doing whatever interests them- ask your DS to show you his favourite game on VR and have a go yourself for example. Try and immerse yourself in their world now and again so you have something positive to talk about with them.

Right so what type of holiday do you like versus your DH?

I can’t think of anything worse than giving up my holiday time doing something I hated. DH would go camping, nothing would induce me to do that, nor will I go to festivals. We both like museums. hill walking, canal boat holidays and swimming in the sea. So he has gone with his sister to concerts. You need to find something that’s a compromise.

My kids were good company as teams but I wouldn't have dreamt of trying to take them to a west end musical all together. That wouldn't have worked. We also didn't holiday with all of us together. We got on well enough with each other but 6 of us together is too much. It's just too many people.
I used to do things like take one or two of them for a quick bite to eat and a game of cards or Yahtzee or something. Very low key and at a time to suit them. I wouldn't do a big organized family activity.

It's a shame you don't do board games as they are such an easy way to socialize with you teen kids. I think you should try playing some. There are loads of board games there must be something to suit you.
Going to take the kids to Unis was a good time to hang out one on one with each kids. I left them to do the uni visit but I provided lifts and food.

This, 100%

I agree. I have two 16-year-old boys and I accept they want to do different things, like I did as a teen.

Yes it's sad we don't have many family days, but I'm hoping we will again. I don't waste money booking stuff I know they won't enjoy.

Relax and focus on your own interests.

I E already posted but I’ve just had a thought about my own parents. Mum died several years ago and we were very close. However we had some difficulties when I was a teen. It was a love/ hate relationship at times. She didn’t stress about treating me to days out though, or spend lots of money on me. She just stuck to her guns and as there when I grew up.

I find that teens really enjoy going away as part of a larger group.

Maybe a few families either in a big rental or each in their own villas with massive pool. Keep it casual, everyone does what they want to do. Teens join as and when they feel like it.

Teens muck around in the pool all day, sleep, listen to music and look at their phones. You can enjoy some culture, go for lunch without them. Back in the evening for a big barbecue and chat or maybe a game of cricket or poker or whatever.

At home, I think dinner out once a month works OK too. (The book recommended above gave me that suggestion). They also seem to like it when I do my own thing (eg maybe go to hear a talk about something) and will ask questions about that.

I also always tell my kids I hated doing things with my parents when I was their age. I think this really helps them understand that what they are going through is an entirely natural. They don't need to feel guilty.

You're sending mixed messages eg you want family time and family engagement but without putting in the effort of any kinds of rules or structure. You seem to find their very presence 'heavy' but that's because of your preferences, not their's. Then you dismiss any of your friends who liked being at home as being co-dependent.
Yy teens can be tough but you actually need to spend time understanding your own motivations. Then you need to decide if it matters if your DCs don't feel the same as you eg one person's 'independence' is another's 'disinterested and uninvolved'. There's a disjointed dynamic between you all which sounds deeper than not playing board games every week. But that may be the yin to the yang of not being co-dependent.

So familiar. Do they do anything to contribute- such as cooking, errands or chores? We find that helps a bit especially if you can be grateful in return.

My DDs are 17 and 14. It really helps to imagine their teenage years as a metamorphosis of a caterpillar. I just think teenagers need to turn into this unpleasant and strange cocoon for some time and I see my role as a parent to give them time and space for that. My 17,5 was really difficult for a couple of years, now she is a wonderful girl, we go to theaters together and have a great time, though she mostly spends vacations with her friends now. I am much more careful with the younger one. The family time will return, don't try to force it on them, it is just a stage, and you are an adult. Trying to limit screen time was an awful mistake for me, it isn't the cause of the problems.

i would say fuck it and let them get on with it. No spending money on them, no trying to entertain them. They’ll grow out if it and become actual human beings but teens aren’t famous for being grateful and pleased to be with their family 24/7.

I just wanted to say thank you for this great thread. It is so validating. Teens are hard!

Have you tried just sitting down with them and being honest? Saying they are almost adults so you’d like their input. Saying how unhappy you are and how unhappy they seem asking then for ideas of how they would like to move forward. Maybe give them a day to think about it. It might be a relief for everyone to just be honest