Life with teenagers is joyless

[Courgeon]

I'm not enjoying being a parent of my 2 teenagers dd 16 and ds 13. They're not especially badly behaved but they are grumpy, rude, ungrateful and just generally rubbish company. Sorry! Completely wasted money booking nice Christmas events this year just got scowled at and asked when home. Dd does not join in with family life AT ALL never comes anywhere with us stays in her room most of the time doesn't even eat with us.

Ds started getting same attitude doesn't chat with us and dislikes everything he used to enjoy doing, cycling, swimming, squash, hiking, reading, games are now all boring. They do at least have a hobby each that they do fairly intensively and enjoy. They are so different we can't do anything together. Spent £££ going to London to go to a West end show dd enjoyed, DS scowled throughout.

Holidays are a complete other level of stress and drama and makes me really sad. DH can be a bit tricky on holiday as well, it's way too intense and uncomfortable just being the 4 of us but they won't go off together and make holiday friends in resorts etc, don't want to go anywhere. I've resigned myself to solo holidays for a bit which is pretty shit, DH can't come with as they're too young to both be left at home and grandparents aren't an option. Despite me taking DDS friends away with us multiple times it's not been reciprocated and as I find it incredibly stressful I'm not doing that again. We could take a mate for DS this August but that really impacts my enjoyment as I just can't relax looking after someone else's kid.

I just feel any joy has been sucked out of family life, they can't be bothered with Xmas and have been really rude that I shouldn't have bought them anything as they don't like presents.

They both stay in a lot as well and are literally a really heavy presence in the house. Drives me a bit mad as I went out loads more at their age. Know I could do some kind of limitation of devices and force them to do family stuff but I just can't be bothered with the battle and the sullen sulky faces and blood out of a stone conversations. Not looking forward to Xmas and extremely fed up.

The problem here is your concept of 'family', OP, or more specifically, 'family outings'. You're trying to rope into activities of your choice, two emergent adults with likes and dislikes of their own. A common 'dislike' found in teenagers is 'doing anything with parents'.
I advise you to step back. Stop trying to provide family activities or events. Enjoy your solo holidays. Do what you want to do. Don't waste your time, energy or money on them. They'll come to you when they're ready.

Can I join? Ds 22 has come back from uni and we were all looking forward to it but he has been really difficult. Not sure if our expectations were too high, if he finds slotting back into family life hard . He is on his phone all the time even when we are talking to him and to be honest comes across as totally spoiled. My fault I guess but I just now feel we have to get through until he goes back. It all feels so sad. He has been difficult for a long time and it really upsets ds15.

Sorry you are finding this stage hard OP. Unfortunately, as the children grow up, family days out no longer interest them. Completely normal for teens to spend time in there bedrooms. I have two DS’ (21 & 19) we eat dinner, then they are back to their rooms. My advice would be stop booking things, let them get on with it. It will make life a lot less stressful. Good luck, this stage will pass OP.

100% agree, I had to bite my tongue when DS1 (21) said to me on a weekend he was home, can we go out somewhere on Sunday, it’s boring when we stay in 😂

DS 19 at Uni and DD 16 in sixth form here

very different people and have done things mostly with them as individuals not as a family unit for the last 5 years
eg wknd break to European city w DD and her friends and mums

stuff we do as a whole family is limited:

• supper every night together when all in
• occasional sit on sofa to watch part of film/hang out/cards/board game
• occasional meal out usually special occasions

I want them to enjoy themselves when they’re with us, not be doing it under sufferance. Holidays are tricky - last one DS brought his (now Ex ) GF and DD brought a friend & that made things awks in a different way.

I think acceptance is a key thing when they are teens - as a parent you have to let go of the family ideal & what you had when they were younger. Especially if you have more than one that are quite different to each other. I have friends with 2 girls that are similar for example and they do a lot more together as a family than we do. My DS for example doesn’t want to go wandering round looking at things, for afternoon tea etc. so I'm not going to force him to do that.

Comparisons are odious.

now they are a bit older they can do a lot
more with their friends - and I include screen time in that. DS out with his mates Sunday night and tonight and last night played on the X box and chatted with them all. Not all screen time is antisocial! DD is out with mates tonight and out with me and mates and their mums tomorrow night. And that’s fine. We convene at home and we all have our own lives.

it’s a tricky time to navigate but my top advice would be not to force it and not to worry. and don’t compare!!

The book I’d recommend is a Philippa Perry one “The Book you Wish Your Parents Had Read”. A lot of it is aimed at those with younger DC but there is a fair bit on teens and young adults and the big takeaway for me was about treating them as individuals and building relationships that take their needs into account.

During lockdown each of us picked a film that we all had to watch, no matter what it was. Turned out really well. Another thing we did at a holiday cottage this summer where they had 100s of DVDs was they picked 5 they liked then the others would pick from the 5 - saw some stuff we never would have thought of watching. Worst choices were DHs.

I wonder if your daughter is reflecting the behaviour she's seeing from her dad. I think you need to have a real truthful look at what's going on there. Your dd is a hormonal teenager, so yeah she might be sullen and grumpy. What's your dh's excuse?

Your initial posts were incredibly negative about both children - you want them to spend time with you but you didn't want to do any of the things they enjoy. I think you need to at least meet them halfway. They sound like good kids.

I'm finding these holidays tough too

DS1 is back from Uni (first year). He seems to have developed a nocturnal lifestyle, so he's never around. Sounds idyllic, but it means he's never around to tidy up his stuff, help out etc. I just feel really frustrated with him

DS2 is 14 and socially finds things difficult. Struggles to get his head around friends having other plans etc. we work desperately hard with him, but it always feels like we're having to manage his social skills. Day two of holidays and he's already moaning.

It doesn't help that I've been laid up with the worst flu ever, so my patience is thin. We're also trying to exchange contracts on the house, which is just not going to plan. On top of that, we're hosting for Christmas, with no intention that we're not. I know I need to grow a pair and say it's just not going to work for us, but I really can't cope with the fall out of that. Just upsets me that we haven't been offered a get out by them.

I just feel shit atm.

There you go

I was just going to post exactly what @OldReliable said. Are they mirroring your DH's behaviour? You say he's disinterested in family life. Maybe they think it's OK to behave that way too.

But on the other hand, they are teenagers and are supposed to be awful.

Incredibly negative? That's a bit drama fuelled and overly emotive isn't it?. The reality is DS is grumpy and DD is rude... That's how it is, not going to sugar coat it, I love them very much and they both have lovely qualities but they can be little shits at times.

Times have been hard, I'm not perfect either and what I'm learning is I'm going to be available for them but no longer twist myself in knits trying to be perfect!

It's hard work I'm sorry you're having such a shit time. I'm backing off, doing my own thing and being there if they need me. I'm not going to book anything going forward apart from ballets with dd

Umm.. ok. I mean i was just going off what you said- complaining because they don't make enough effort with you but in the same token you weren't willing to do things they did want to do. What's the point in dragging a 13yo boy to the theatre if he doesn't want to go? You seem to think the problem is only your children and they're just ungrateful and difficult - reading your posts i think it's probably more to do with you and your husband having certain expectations which your children can't meet.

Perhaps your dd is reflecting the behaviour she sees from one or both of her parents.

I don't think putting your hands up and saying "I'm not trying anymore" is the right way to go about it, to be honest. I reiterate, you need to have a good look at how her dad speaks to dd and whether that's reflected in her own behaviour. Perhaps she's avoiding spending time with you all because of her dad and the way he goes off the handle at her.

My teens (17 and 16) are generally lovely but I’ve definitely had to shift my expectations about family time and activities, and for me part of that was about my difficulty coming to terms with the fact that an earlier stage had ended. I really loved the experience of being a mum to younger children and didn’t feel ready for it to be over- hence I’d try to carry things on beyond their natural end (family trips to the panto etc).

It actually got a lot easier when I accepted that things were now different, let myself do things I enjoyed (such as theatre trips) with dh or a friend rather than feeling it had to be a family trip. And that made the things we do still do as a family all the better. A bit more letting go from me meant they pulled away less.

Also I found reframing things helped a bit. For example, we’re going out tomorrow evening together to celebrate something in my life. I’ve tried to frame it as I would if they were adults- “I’d love it if you’d join me to celebrate X”- and they have been enthusiastic. I know they’d have been far less keen if I’d framed it as a family trip.

I could have written this exact same post. I think the phrase 'joyless' sums it up perfectly and less dramatique than my internal monologue telling me that 'I hate my life' when I've interacted with grumpy, depressed, unenthusiastic, messy, lazy, critical, self centred teens

Apparently it's all very healthy and expected. Drives me mad though. Especially as their dad left 5 years ago and has opted out of having much to do with them (which in turn probably leaves them more grumpy and depressed by his obvious rejection) and quite happily leaves 100% of the teen parenting to me. Utter bastard.

After a few attempts at theatre I've given up with ds 15 now.

He will come to a car show or a gaming event or a meal but otherwise he wants to be with mates or gaming.

Lesson learnt there.

Dd 17 spends more time with us She will come shopping. For coffee. Ballet and theatre but only on her terms. I don't push her. She also loves her friends but she is pretty happy in her own company so some days I barely see her.

I have realised that sometimes it's the spontaneous trips that are the best.

We are all going to see avatar on xmas eve. I didn't enjoy the first one but the very fact they both want to come is enough to make me sit through it. Lol.

I hear you op. I've two DD's 16 and 15. Dd2 has had an awful year. Really and mental health and impulsive at times dangerous behaviour. I'm living on my nerves with her and she has managed to mess up every social occasion we have had all year with various antics/sullenness . Including my own wedding. When she is good she is lovely but we never know which Version we are going to get. Dd1 has always been easier and is good as gold. Until a month ago her long term boyfriend finished with her and she is very Miserable which I feel for her over, but also now very rude and stroppy and taking it out on us (which is harder to deal with). It's been a very long year and I can't predict which way Christmas will go. We have two under 10 DS's too and we want them to have a good time but it's hard when you have at least one 'dementor' moping around and bringing everyone down.

I am very sympathetic to All their issues and would never say this to them. But I'm also very very tired.

Two rules I had in my house, both non-negotiable:

1. Chores are shared and not optional.
2. Mealtimes are together, no eating in your rooms.

Young adults / teens are happier when they have purpose and opportunities to be proud of themselves. Yes they moan constantly whilst doing chores, I just smiled and pretended I couldn't hear them. They stop moaning when they don't get a reaction.

And I remember my mum saying the family that eats together, stays together. I think theirs something in that.

And the thing about rules is you have to enforce them. Let your guard and give them an inch, they'll take a mile.

I agree with @OldReliable

You seem to accept your dh's negativity and unwillingness to join the family - even though he is a grown adult and parent to the dc - but not understand that the teens are also entitled to not want to do your 'fantasy family' weekends, yet they are teens at the stage where most teens tend to retreat into their 'cocoons'.

DH and DD have a very volatile relationship currently as he's not coping with her rudeness at all so they have quite explosive arguments and he dishes out what I consider quite over the top punishments and get upset. DDS behaviour causes a lot of friction between me and him, he thinks I'm too soft. I want her to know that she's loved but she's hard bloody work. She was lovely in London though

Just curious - did dh go with you to London?

I think I would find out what kinds of thing they want to do and do that, don’t impose days out etc on them. Like someone else said maybe it’s doing separate things with DS and DD. Can you not just suck it up about the board games?? Particularly for your DS. I think games are quite important for bringing the family together. Maybe a video game you can all play?

DH worked away before lockdown and me and the kids just mooched along happily in our own little rhythm. Him being here at home constantly has changed the dynamic and DD I think finds it quite hard as he's a lot less easy going that me.

I think you need to focus on this.

I promise I’m not scraping away on the world’s tiniest violin but this thread has been revelatory for me. My teen DD (15) is truly horrible; she steals every last penny she can lay her hands on )usually from my purse), she is violent, aggressive, verbally abusive, throws hard objects at me when I’m sleeping, she binge eats excessively and ‘conceals’ wrappers all around my house. She threatens her much younger sister with violence. These are some of my teen’s better traits. For clarity, she is adopted. I know this makes a massive difference. I’m just fed up of feedback along the lines of ‘all teens do this/that’. Judging by the responses on this thread, this is not accurate and the majority of teens do know how to conduct themselves appropriately?

@EmmatheStageRat that sounds hard. My two have their moments but no they have never behaved in that way.

Do you get any support?

@PrimroseYello I totally resonate with that, it's learning how to (occasionally) still do family things but in a different way. We have an escape room booked between Christmas and new year. I don't ever book anything without running it past everyone!