Life with teenagers is joyless

[Courgeon]

I'm not enjoying being a parent of my 2 teenagers dd 16 and ds 13. They're not especially badly behaved but they are grumpy, rude, ungrateful and just generally rubbish company. Sorry! Completely wasted money booking nice Christmas events this year just got scowled at and asked when home. Dd does not join in with family life AT ALL never comes anywhere with us stays in her room most of the time doesn't even eat with us.

Ds started getting same attitude doesn't chat with us and dislikes everything he used to enjoy doing, cycling, swimming, squash, hiking, reading, games are now all boring. They do at least have a hobby each that they do fairly intensively and enjoy. They are so different we can't do anything together. Spent £££ going to London to go to a West end show dd enjoyed, DS scowled throughout.

Holidays are a complete other level of stress and drama and makes me really sad. DH can be a bit tricky on holiday as well, it's way too intense and uncomfortable just being the 4 of us but they won't go off together and make holiday friends in resorts etc, don't want to go anywhere. I've resigned myself to solo holidays for a bit which is pretty shit, DH can't come with as they're too young to both be left at home and grandparents aren't an option. Despite me taking DDS friends away with us multiple times it's not been reciprocated and as I find it incredibly stressful I'm not doing that again. We could take a mate for DS this August but that really impacts my enjoyment as I just can't relax looking after someone else's kid.

I just feel any joy has been sucked out of family life, they can't be bothered with Xmas and have been really rude that I shouldn't have bought them anything as they don't like presents.

They both stay in a lot as well and are literally a really heavy presence in the house. Drives me a bit mad as I went out loads more at their age. Know I could do some kind of limitation of devices and force them to do family stuff but I just can't be bothered with the battle and the sullen sulky faces and blood out of a stone conversations. Not looking forward to Xmas and extremely fed up.

DS is 16. ADHD and behaviour problems. Can't leave him in the house alone, so DH and I have to make sure one of us is around when he's home.
He won't do anything with me. I've suggested so many things and all are rejected. He just wants to sleep late and mooch around local park area.
He won't sleep at night and I'm sleep deprived because of it. We do have melatonin but it doesn't always work.
He hasn't attended college since it started in September and wouldn't go on a traineeship.
Today was DH's birthday and he couldn't even spare one hour to eat a carvery with us.
I'm trying to stay positive

Go and do things with your friends, get dh to do his stuff and enjoy yourself

no point flogging a dead horse, don’t do summer holidays all together not actually enjoying a compromise. Take dd away and leave ds home, then take ds away - jyst have weekends

OP I thank you with all my heart for starting this thread, mine are 12 and 15, we are certainly in some kind of adjustment period - not even watched a Christmas film together yet because nothing compares to the phone/Xbox

Oh and like others, I also have a newly permanently WFH DH monitoring and judging just to add to the tension

Joyless is the correct word.
grunting is the method of communication.
just ignore it. Get take away pizzas, fridge is full, watch their mental health etc but I’ve given up on the family trips to the lights, pantomine etc. They prefer to stay in ( although I’m sure they enjoy moaning about the trips to their friends).

Know I could do some kind of limitation of devices and force them to do family stuff but I just can't be bothered with the battle and the sullen sulky faces and blood out of a stone conversations

Reading your post is so sad, I don’t know whether you’re looking for advice or just to vent and look for others in the same boat. You can either do nothing hoping they will change or have a conversation with them. As the parent your job is to prepare them for the real world but if you can’t be bothered I’ll expect your post in a few years time regarding how they turned out as an adult.

@leftitabitlate22 , thank you for the validation and the empathy. Honestly, no, there is no support, which is why, after 14 years, I am on the verge of disrupting my adoptive placement and putting DD1 back into care. This thread has been very helpful for me to recognise what is ‘normal’ vs ‘not normal’.

I empathise as mine are adopted too. Dd1 is 22 now and fairly sensible, though she was pretty trying in her teens. She didn't so much rebel against us (other than rudeness or stealing) but she was inclined to disappear and refuse to answer the phone or get in bother at school and college. Then there was a period when she'd get very emotional and do stupid things (sit in the rain crying was one).

Younger dd was always prone to anxiety but easier until around 15 - which is when the pandemic started and she became very much more anxious re school work and started doing teen stuff like stealing our alcohol and drinking it with friends. Her mental health gradually worsened and she's now on anti depressants (aged 17) and had various sources of support. I have every sympathy but unfortunately her behaviour can be pretty awful too.

She has stolen from our bank accounts online to firstly buy clothes and more recently weed.(think my DH used our cards on sites where she has asked to buy something and then she kept our details- not 100 % sure how as we changed our cards and she still does it sometimes) . Reckless behaviour quite typical of teens - alcohol, smoking, meeting up with boys from the internet but also throws tantrums and makes threats to try get her way, has sometimes run off, is very rude at times etc. All very exhausting. Difficulties in attending college, completing assignments, attending her placements etc. But also acts like a young child at times.

Mostly we keep tabs on her and she is goid about keeping in touch by phone when she is out. But I do wish she would mature a bit, take the advice of the various therapists involved and be less completely self absorbed. We also can't leave her alone unless she with a trusted friend as her mental health is too much of a worry.

0n top of which, the two dont get on, are bitterly jealous of each other. Luckily they mainly keep out of each others way but family outings are difficult. My birthday meal was particularly fraught this year. We managed two holidays this year - one where we left 22 yo at home. The other we all went - seaside hotel resort. Was ok but not without issues with oldest jealous when youngest muscles inborn sone friends she made by the pool and youngest determined to get drunk / snog boys....

Yes, it can be fairly joyless. And no we don't eat together except in restaurants or on special occasions.

Dp and I cope by joking about them.
We joke that we are running a taxi firm and we are walking cash machines. I call dd " her majesty" ( not to her face...which seems harsh but humour os a coping mechanism.)
I refuse to do anything for dd if she dosn't say please or thank you.

I don't want to spend time together as a family any more due to teen behavior which is fine as teens are supposed to push you away in favour of friends. Means dp and I get more time alone.

There are moments of loveliness. Dp got emotional as dd asked him to do up her bracelet.A rare moment of closeness!