Sil cancelled visit as our dd wants to be a man.

[Moomoola]

our lovely dd has been getting more isolated from us. On sun she left a note and ran off to her friends house for a few nights to think things through. Friend 17 is having hormones to be a man. Dd threatened the same. She wears a breast binder. They are going out together and there is much subterfuge and lies. We’ve never said anything as far as we are aware, dd onv thinks differently.
Yesterday Dh told his sister who livesabroad and she has immediately cancelled them all coming to stay tomorrow. She doesn’t want her 14 dd to be influenced as she is going out with a girl.
it’s so sudden, we’ve been excited for months. She’s telling her dd it’s due to strikes. What do I tell mine?
do I say strikes or do I tell the truth - it’s a consequence of you leaving us a note and running off.
it’s been horrible and now what should have been fun is depressing and there’s also no reason for dd to come back now when she finds out.
also what do I do with dd?!

@Jellycats4life

Please pass on details for the Bayswater Support group for carers of children with gender dysphoria to your friend. Gender dysphoria is related to the autism and the child will require specialist therapy.

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

My own kids are autistic so I know all too well why autistic girls are drawn to transitioning. The mother in question doesn’t really know me (a friend of a friend) and they’re in WAY too deep to accept a well meaning referral from me, sadly. The girl is already on testosterone IIRC. She’s a tiny, meek looking kid. I was so depressed when I saw the crowdfunder on FB.

That's so sad. A whole generation is being targeted, they don't have a chance do they. It's state sponsored transition for some especially if you live in Scotland. A whole generation of Afghani women are being attacked by ideological terrorists. Now in the West, teenagers are being targeted by a different kind of ideological terrorist.

It’s so totally wrong. Even dd saying it took her ages to work out she doesn’t have to be super girly or super boyly but can dress in the middle. Where do they get the ide society is forcing girls to be super girly?
we are very sad, she stayed at gf/bf after running off last night. Ds really affected and sad. He was so looking forward to Xmas. It’s always tricky cos it’s just us four but this was awful.
I texted the mum to say we are concerned for dds health please send her home and I got a text of dd to say don’t bother the mum. I’m sorry? I’m so shocked. If I was the mum I’d be saying time to go home now, your family needs you.
dd texting bro to say we are not supportive and she needs space to make decisions. We say they can wait, relax now.
saw a list on nspcc website that lists signs to look for for emotional abuse, she has all of them .
we called the police who were brilliant. Next step apparantly is to call a social worker and try and get dd to a gp. Also they said to call woman’s aid.
policeman said he’d like to go and scare them but legally can’t. Luckily he warned Dh if we went round there, they’d make a big deal or lie and say we were aggressive etc and we’d end up in a cell. Scary thing is, the policeman obvs knew all about how they’d react etc.
the saddest thing was her brother.

As I happen to be up later than usual, and you’ve just posted at this time when most people may not be, I just wanted to wish you all the best, this must be really hard. My DD is 13 and DS 11 so I can all too easily imagine where we could find ourselves in a couple of years if the chips fell the wrong way. I’ve followed this thread from the start and there’s been a lot of good advice on it, from “both” sides, for want of a better word. But the main one, to try to keep open lines of communication, seems sensible.

Thank you bignose
this is indeed horrible. Another day without dd. The more I research the more utterly vile the whole thing is. I’m obviously happy if she wants to identify as non binary. What terrifies me is how easy it seems to be to do irreversible things to your body. How dd seems to think it’s all easy and it’s a struggle to decide, but really there’s nothing to worry about regarding hormones. But there is, her gf/bf looks frankly wierd and somehow disturbing and nothing like the cute you tubers advocating this crap.
the mum says he/she is shy and socially anxious. Um, because you are a girl with a beard, of course you will be looked at.
im so worried and there’s nothing I can do except send texts of love. It’s been 5 days now.

wishing you the best of strength to overcome this. How can anyone allow children making irreversible changes to their bodies? Beyond me. Hoping your DD will come home soon.

Thanks igglo. Day 7. Just the very occasional curt text. I'm referring to her as her and she just to keep things simple.She texted tonight, just one line to say She's staying there longer. No explanation why or anything. I've texted back that this is so hard for us, not to know what you're thinking or planning. We love you and will always love you.
we are finding it hard. Her brother is devastated, never seen him like this. How do I help him? We told him she's muddled because of x. Dh is convinced she's being manipulated by a ' glitter' family who isolate you from your family.
theres a lot more I want to say to her. By text which I suspect is being read isn't easy. - that I'm really not bothered if shes trans.
Our friend said tell her you totally accept that she's trans and use the right pronouns. Dh is reading a report saying that all helps trap her in this identity and refuses to use her new name.
I say at the moment I will call her anything I just want her to feel she can come home. So what do we do? All her friends and school call her new name.
It's not the identity or the trans stuff that bothers me, it was the need to sneak around, now it's the just vanishing one night andnot coming back for a week. Surely someone should be saying go home and reassure your parents now. Dh says, and he's not alone, that this is a thing. Separate her over Xmas.

When we talked to the mother and said, ' how long? Will you pay for her, clothes, phone? The mum said she thinks it will play out by the time school starts. It sounds a bit planned? Or am I reading too much into this?

Can you not just call her “babe” or “darling” or “insert preferred pet name”? That might help. It will feel more natural for you.

Your DH sounds very clued up. He's right and it seems a lot of this is being orchestrated by an abusive partner. There was a long running thread a couple of years ago from a woman whose DS got caught up by an abusive GF and they had nightmares getting him back, this reminds me of that. So I think you have a two pronged approach. Obvs you don't want her to hurt her growing body but you have to keep her close enough to dull the influence of the partner, which might mean trying to adapt a little just to draw her home.

Your husband is on the right track. I think I'd call her bluff now though. I would say that you have thought deeply about it and both your positions are that she is being manipulated and while you don't like it you can't change it because she won't engage. You are always there for her but basically best of luck. Let that sit for a few days, don't respond to any texts that say you are not supportive, don't engage with arguments etc, tell the other mother you have blocked her and not to contact you. You then start to make other mother be a participant as opposed to a sideline coach. That will wear thin fast. Your terms are that she comes home to discuss with a professional and commits to doing this or she should settle in with them.for the long hall. You need to lever the mother to get her out currently she's the problem. Hard to do but now time to play hardball and take control instead of being reactive. You are still there but on your terms. Avoid use of pronouns and call her by her name otherwise you are on a slippy slope.

*long haul....autocorrect...

OP now you and your DH should treat this as if your DD had run away and you need to get her home. You're lucky to know where she is and why she ran away.

This morning there was news that Leyla, a 13 yr old girl who went missing just before Christmas was found safe and sound. She was reported missing with last sighting at 10pm at a train station. Her father issued lots of pleas with lots of love for her to come home. Nothing else, just love. Read that man's pleas.
Your DH needs to do that too. Lots and lots of love, more and more of reassurances. Do not commit to any decisions that she asks for.

Send her voice messages, especially from her dad, rather than texts. Send her videos of her favourite family activities. Go on with your life. Think about your son.

Thanks all.
will talk these through with Dh.
agree with not using names and pronouns as it corroborates that identity, however all her mates call her x. And again, it’s being used against us that we haven’t. Freaking school were so eager to validate her new name and didn’t have to tell me. In what world is that right?
talked to someone yesterday that said first thing is to create trust, then gently question. Apparantly a lot of people turn trans because they think it will solve everything and then they realise it’s the same old problems still. Also it seems some people who are depressed/ have screwed up wanT to get someone else on board to be as miserable as them.
also apparantly this extreme ,‘you’re a transphobe’ mantra is like the Scientology Mc carthyism way of working.
maybe I do call her x, just to get her home.
live texted to say let’s just us two meet for a cuppa. No answer yet.
I think you have a point onceuponawhile being reasonable is Obv. Not working. We got a little’ I love you ‘ late last night. So at least that’s there.
we are trying to concentrate on ds. And do nice things.
better look after me too! Knocking back the booze a bit too much.

Have you tried reaching out to parents of teens transitioning outside MN ? You should because here is like an echo chamber and nit exactly unbiased . Your daughter will never feel safe coming back if you keep going against her , you will not gain her trust and you probably won’t have many professionals backing up vem if you want to get SS involved . My best friend was going through similar last year , she was shocked and angry as you but soon realised if she supported her child then she would eventually listen to her side . No her daughter hasn’t changed her mind , but she has agreed she is to young to any kind of permanent change , she has agreed to get counselling and a professional opinion before anything else and above anything their relationship is back on track . Imo that’s what you should be going for , getting your child to realise you will love her no matter what .

Thanks for your support everyone.
’ we are considering all the advice. I texted did she want to meet just me in a neutral space for a cuppa.2 hours later I’ve got back,’ I need more time’
what do I say to that?
I guess ‘ ok’ then consider the advice ‘ once upon’ suggests.

How was the meeting? I think it's great that she wants to meet. Communication is key and as long as she speaks that's good. Can you arrange for her to speak to a gender counsellor? Having an independent party will hopefully help to ease the friction.

A gender counsellor is basically a propagandist for a cult. Best seek proper, exploratory therapy.

I just thought the OP's daughter would be more willing to see a gender counsellor rather than a therapist as she does not see any problem except her gender identity.

Anyway having a third party mediator should help. Whatever you said against her will be construed as transphobic.

Good update OP. I'd play it so super cool and let her work out the next steps herself. In a way you need to look after yourself and particularly your son. Your husband sounds just right on the button. Hang in there. I think you also need to consider boundaries for your son and family- essentially she is emotionally waterboarding you on her terms facilitated by that other kids mother. Absolutely keep lines open but don't be too eager. Make sure you do not speak to other mother or other child- ignore completely so they cannot play you. Contact only with your daughter directly. Any attempt to draw you in- do not respond. They are triangulating you so you don't get into the triangle.
You may want to consider how this is going to impact your family long term. It will have fundamentally fractured trust, respect and your family unit. That unit now gets put back together either as a three or a four person unit - if a four what does that look like.
I'm seeing this in my own circle- a well meaning mother assisting her child in top surgery through a gofundit page....age 16. No thoughts about maybe her awful husband created some of the issues...Nope...trans it is, that will fix it all. That's probably not the case with you but it's hard to watch so you have my sympathies.

Hello, no we didn’t meet. She just texted back that ‘she needs more time’
so that’s 8 days of this and 4 the week before after she left us a note and tip toed out.
I don’t know what to reply. ‘Ok’ seems safest. Dh says don’t reply. We took ds out for pizza but it was a bit of a sad affair.

Thanks once upon we’ve just crossposted, hang on a min

Mother has said ‘don’t contact me, I’m not in the middle, nothing to do with me’ ( except to , we believe stir it).x hasn’t contacted us.

dd sent long text yesterday, she feels supported there etc and is staying longer. Today I asked her for a chat, but she said she’s needs more time. I haven’t responded yet.

we are wondering if I should go round tomorrow and say to the mum we’ve registered with the police and gp. So now we need to get dd home to gp so we can address issues properly and support her. She will probably say nothing to do with her, so we ask how long this will last, plans and who is paying. Last time she asked said she could feed her and it will probably play out by the end of the holidays.

sorry, I know I’m repeating myself.

You may want to consider how this is going to impact your family long term. It will have fundamentally fractured trust, respect and your family unit. That unit now gets put back together either as a three or a four person unit - if a four what does that look like

this. Thank you for bringing it to my awareness. Obviously everything has changed suddenly.
we are blaming ourselves of course, we have had a lot of challenges so the kids haven’t had the easiest time.

I’m so sorry about your friend. That sounds horrendous. I totally agree it is very possibly caused by other issues which need exploring first. Modern life.

Please please do not blame yourself. Parenting is a tough gig and you sound like you are both hiking on through this awful new landscape with no map. Hang tight together OK!?
I thought about your future family and when you do get to that point where you can discuss things it's best to do that with a professional who can facilitate what you all need to say. Currently not possible, but in time it will be. I believe the fine line between your daughters confusion around gender and her responsibility as a young adult is the crux of the difficulty. At some point her choices tip over into wanton cruelty inflicted upon her family and that's not a long term thing you can accept.
The final thing I thought of- you might like to look at the work of Marsha Linehan & Radical Acceptance. Years ago I had the most life changing trauma, my kids were tiny, I was so mentally unwell, suicidal. Working through this with a skilled therapist and using Radical Acceptance as a template was a turning point. I have never forgotten the wisdom of it. Be OK for a while more till we see what comes next OK.