Sil cancelled visit as our dd wants to be a man.

[Moomoola]

our lovely dd has been getting more isolated from us. On sun she left a note and ran off to her friends house for a few nights to think things through. Friend 17 is having hormones to be a man. Dd threatened the same. She wears a breast binder. They are going out together and there is much subterfuge and lies. We’ve never said anything as far as we are aware, dd onv thinks differently.
Yesterday Dh told his sister who livesabroad and she has immediately cancelled them all coming to stay tomorrow. She doesn’t want her 14 dd to be influenced as she is going out with a girl.
it’s so sudden, we’ve been excited for months. She’s telling her dd it’s due to strikes. What do I tell mine?
do I say strikes or do I tell the truth - it’s a consequence of you leaving us a note and running off.
it’s been horrible and now what should have been fun is depressing and there’s also no reason for dd to come back now when she finds out.
also what do I do with dd?!

OP I have sent a DM

Thank you I appreciate it x

Am off to chat to the mum in coffee shop.
dd just texted to say she thinks she’ll come home for Xmas but go back after.
wtf do I do now?

That's good news. Get your dd home and book a few days away remote. Also, speak to police about getting a restraining order against them both. I'd target the mum as it'll be easier. Screen shot all her tests especially ones about refusing to return your dd. Take it to the police and a solicitor and get some proper legal advice. Hopefully a visit from the pice will frighten the mum.

Grooming an under aged child is taken more seriously now and that's what she's doing.

I would hope that once she gets home you have a restraining order in place and phone is removed.

Got her home after meeting in a ‘mutual place’ tescos carpark..she now refuses to come in and feels she has to go back but is so stressed and saying it’s difficult and we’re unsupportive.
we’ve tried to say love and support but then I’ll muck it up and call her by her given name or her bf/gf by the wrong pronoun and suddenly I’m a fing transphobic. She is rocking and crying and says oh I don’t know..
I am trying to say come in and let’s chill ax you look exhausted. Her bro, 14 is out there now saying, ‘ but why can’t you come in, it’s Christmas’
breaking my heart .

You must have nerves and patience of steel to be managing not just to deal with this so well @Moomoola. How is your ds? Is seeing the impact of her behaviour on him not making her rethink this behaviour?

God OP this is so hard. The time of year doesn't help - under "normal" circs I'd suggest some sort of crisis service as your child sounds quite distressed. This is no doubt incensed by the manipulative person at the other end of her phone. Could you sit in the car with her? Cup of tea? I'd lock us both in so she doesn't make a runner. Have you tried gently talking about life before this person entered it?

I am so sorry it's so hard - you're stretched to your limit. Well done for keep trying. I hope she comes home to you xx

Thanks, she's run off again. It's like an obsession. She'll come tomorrow as long as she can go back in boxing day.
I texted the parents to say please send her home as we are concerned and I got a text back from DD saying please stop bothering the mum.
Today she was so fraught. She has to make decisions. They are, I think whether to go to the NHS for hormones. As she hates her body. I can't help thinking her gf/ bf is encouraging

This bloody mum seems to be the main instigator in all of this!

Yes, I’m concerned at what sort of parents take dd for puberty blockers at 15. I don’t know their story obvs. But was saying to ask. Just v worried as dd seems to think having hormones is a walk in the park.
Dh beside himself with anxiety.

Are you definitely texting the mum? It's not just dd or the gf?

Completely going off piste here. How much of your family's attention and time is purely focused on your dd? I know it's scary to think, but what do you think would happen if you stopped this and all the chasing?

Definitely the mum. She doesn’t want to be in the middle. Doesn’t want me to contact her. Doesn’t know anything about the girls/ boys sneaking off or anything at all.

Vast numbers of parents are allowing their daughters to have puberty blockers, testosterone and top surgery.

I think they’re captured by the “dead daughter or live son?” narrative.

A friend of a friend is currently crowdfunding for top surgery for their mentally fragile autistic teen.

Holy what!
worlds gone mad. So sorry for your friend, that’s super hard.

Sorry, cooking ds fave tea. First Xmas without mum who died in the summer. Brother abroad and out, Dh flickering between going round there and realising there’s nothing he can do. Ds so sad. He was so excited and wanted to make gingerbread house with dd as did I.
just feel very alone and very sad.

michelle you have a point. We are trying to focus on ds. But yes, my manger at my new job just warned me I took too long on a phone call ( to a counsellor) so yes. Very tempted to say bugger off then, concerned if we do.

OP, I'm sorry. At this point can police help or not?
What did counsellor advise?

The counsellor said the usual, be supportive tell her you love her. We are treading on eggshells because anything we say wrong is transphobic. My Dh tried to explain to her that it’s a cult and damaging and that was enough for her to say we are not being supportive and she legged it. She texted her brother to say we are not being supportive. We’ve said come home, talk, we’ll support your choices, over and over again, but she is regurgitating phrases that just don’t sound like her. If we talk logic she texts that we sound like conversion therapists. What?

Never seen ds so sad. He’s hung dds stocking up in case she comes home.

Honestly, I think if you don't at least pretend to get on board with her identity, you're going to lose her. So you'll need to decide whether it's more important to continue having a relationship with her, or to hold fast to your beliefs about gender etc.

I think there is a lot to be said for part of this approach.
She seems so far gone you aren't going to pull her back by logic.

So why not

• agree and really try to use 'they' pronouns & new name for her and friend
• support anything in the way of things that can easily revert, new hair cut, change of clothes style etc
• not overtly try to convert her back
• maybe later do 'I'm trying to understand' when she's in the right mood with questioning, oh I was reading about .... what do you think?

But also

• hard line on blockers (or breast binding) or getting on to any waiting lists. Medical evidence is they are harmful. Cass review has said not for under 18s. You would never ever by medicines off the internet, dangerous etc. She just has to wait until she is at least 18
• rebuild relationship
• try to get her busy doing schoolwork, activities so less time to see friend
• non conforming role models

(However obviously you hold fast to your beliefs about gender inside.)

I'm not sure about this. You need to be someone she can know tried to protect her when she escapes from her abusive partner. Colluding with her delusions could damage the possibility that she can look back on this and know that you had her back.