18 Year Old DD1 Pregnant

[VerbenaGirl]

She told me yesterday and I was quite calm (I had a feeling it was coming, as she was struggling with food in exactly the same way i did in early pregnancy). She has some health issues that will impact on her life and we were just getting on top of those. Today we did some practical things - which I think helped both of us feel more in control of the situation. Got scan appointment through for next week - which will provide clarity on dates. This evening I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. Realistically she and the baby will be living here, at least initially, and money will be tight. I need to get my head round how DH and I cope with this along with the other challenges life is throwing at us currently, how we best support DD1 and her boyfriend and how we make sure DD2 isn't adversely affected as she takes her A levels and beyond. Head is spinning and I'm starting to panic. Talk to me, please.

www.gov.uk/sure-start-maternity-grant/what-youll-get

Looks like the £500 maternity grant still exists :)

So she should be able to claim a one-off £500 payment from 29 weeks pregnant.

Mine certainly covered most of the initial outlay for a baby so one less stress.

No of course they don't. But we can't always have what we want - the situation means that DD2's sister and child need support and I think most mature teenagers wouldn't be so selfish as to insist their needs are entirely prioritised. There are ways to make it work.

It's not 'stupid' to become pregnant when using contraception!
Yeah, sometimes it is because very few 'accidents' are really 'accidents' It's just that, because it often IS a stupid idea, no one wants to admit it 🤷‍♀️
It's not 'stupid' to keep a baby (at any age)!
Sometimes it is. Really.
Most accidental pregnancies occur in older women anyway but we just don't hear about it.
Huh?
Fact
Yeah, not really 🤣😂

I agree with others this is lovely.
I'm firmly pro-choice but pro-choice includes the choice to go ahead with a pregnancy and not be pressured into another choice because of age or other perceived barriers. In lots of cultures extended families live together. I definitely wouldn't be seeking for her to move out at such a tender age, in such a vulnerable position. You are right to be thinking about how to protect DD2 in this though. make sure DD1 knows this remains a priority. It's going to be hectic but you sound like a lovely Mum and I imagine you'll do great.

I think some posters are underestimating how important A levels are and the stress involved.

There are always plan Bs, but life is so much easier if plan A goes to plan.

Can I suggest that these posters have a look at the further education and higher education boards.

Personally i think if a teen isn't willing to have an abortion they shouldn't be having sex. It's not a necessity and the consequences for the entire family are too significant.

Hear hear.

It's not 'stupid' to become pregnant when using contraception!

the pill has a perfect use efficency over 99%.

• *There's an overwhelming probability that she was not unlucky, but made a mistake instead. Hence, yes it's stupid to not use contraception the right way...

Does DD1 and DD2 have different rooms?
As this will make a massive difference.

Of course DD2 is going to be affected by having a baby in the house, you all are.

But it doesn’t mean it’s all negative.

This could actually spur her on to do much better in life and she’ll be around a baby without needing to have one herself.
It will probably also make the sisters much closer too.

Wow. I'm really surprised this viewpoint exists. I am pro-choice but this is a million miles away from how I view abortion.

I would wonder if this isn’t being seen as a ‘way out’ if she’s mentally unwell. Ie was there pressure on her to do exams, go to Uni, find employment? Many young girls see falling pregnant as a way to avoid those things not realising that it actually amplifies the importance of those things a hundred fold down the line.

In your position I’d be making it very clear that life has to continue as normal. She still needs to continue her education, she still needs to prioritise working and work out how raising the child would work alongside that. What I would hate for her is everything to basically stop when the baby arrives. It will be horrendous for her mental health and potentially put her in a dangerous rut she’ll take a decade or more to climb out of.

I get sick and tired of reading on MN 'Oh they are 18 so they are not a child'.

Legally, yes they are an adult. But that's not the point.

In case anyone isn't up to date, psychologists have been making the point for years now that the human brain doesn't fully develop till 25.
They say that adolescence carries on to 25.

Just because someone is 18 it doesn't mean they are emotionally mature.

Here, the DD has got pregnant with a boy she's known for a few months. maybe she didn't use the Pill properly, maybe they ought to have doubled up with condoms. maybe she ought not to have taken any risks at all.

@VerbenaGirl You talk about your DD having a job or a pt job but you don't say anything about her career plans.

Jobs for 18 year olds without good A levels, or other training, or a degree, are usually crap and going nowhere. A degree is almost the entry level now for any decent career (or a higher level apprenticeship.)

What does she see herself doing?

Without a career plan she will drift and find it very hard to support herself.

She can't rely on the boyfriend being around.

As her mother, your role is not only to help her with the baby, but to guide and support her so she can be independent and not exist on benefits.

These are the conversations you need to have.

And yes, I agree 100% that your 2nd daughter is getting a rough deal.

She didn't choose to have a baby at home , maybe screaming all night for months, while she is studying for her exams.

That really isn't fair at all .

I think you and your DH ought to sit down with your DD and explain all of this and get her to re-think keeping the baby.

As it involves the whole family, it's not just her opinion that counts.

If she insists on keeping it, then she ought to be independent and move into accommodation with the boyfriend.

I went through most of my medical degree with a baby (my brother) in the house. I did just fine and never thought to resent my mother for having a baby while I was studying (or resent the baby). Plenty of people study for A levels and beyond while things are going on in their family homes. It's called life. I don't understand people's attitude about this.

Wow OP I am impressed with your calmness.

I personally would find it very difficult in your shoes not to be encouraging termination as the clear best option. However I fully understand this could be counterproductive and of course it is her decision. How very difficult.

What was her plan if she hadn’t got pregnant? Was there going to be further education/training? Or was there nothing planned?

If the baby is born just before or during A level time then I cannot see how it won’t affect your DD2. Presumably your DD1 got a lot of support from you during her own A levels and health issues and now she’ll be needing your time and support again right when DD2 needs it.

Great points here.

I don't understand people's attitude about this.

Clearly.
What worked for you may not work for someone else.

For example, when I WFH I have the radio on, but DH finds any kind of noise distracting. We are all different.

You need to make a plan to support your younger DD as well. She shouldn't have her life disrupted because of her sister's decisions.

Older daughter and BF need a plan - re jobs, childcare, home etc - beyond the actual birth. BF and family have to step up immediately baby is born and your DD and baby needs to go and stay with them for some of the time too. You need to set a date for your DD and baby to move out.

I would also suggest a frank chat about contraception with your older daughter - maybe she needs to consider different option in the future given her current pregnancy was an 'accident'

Nonsense. There are thousands of older teenagers who share family homes with new borns and they don’t suffer life changing damage to their prospects.

OP I was in the same position as you. My daughter and grandchild still live with us and it is a utter joy. My daughter works full time, her son goes to a local school and we are one happy family.

It will all be ok.

Yes she is 18, technically an adult, but your brain does't fully form until your mid 20s. Don't assume she is capable of making such a life changing decision just because she's 18.

Is she mature; naive; clever; easily led?

If she is mature and clever I would probably be less worried than naive and easily led.

You're out of your fucking mind.

And I bet you call your self pro-choice.

I have a beautiful friend, who had her child at 17/18. The child is now 16, the mum put herself through university while working full time. She is focused, earning a good wage, renting a flat. The father is around but they are not together, and she has done most of the heavy lifting regarding parenting.
I admire her greatly.

You sound an amazing mum, support her either way and you will deal with it as a family.

You have approached this really sensibly. Support and be there. Take it day by day. Having a baby young isn't always the big drama others make it out to be. Yes, timing may not be ideal but is it ever?! My sibling had a baby at a not much older age and I was and still am so closer to the child (now adult) many years later.

True, what about all the teens who have younger siblings? There will be many who have babies/toddlers/young children in their households when they are gcse or a-level age