18 Year Old DD1 Pregnant

[VerbenaGirl]

She told me yesterday and I was quite calm (I had a feeling it was coming, as she was struggling with food in exactly the same way i did in early pregnancy). She has some health issues that will impact on her life and we were just getting on top of those. Today we did some practical things - which I think helped both of us feel more in control of the situation. Got scan appointment through for next week - which will provide clarity on dates. This evening I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. Realistically she and the baby will be living here, at least initially, and money will be tight. I need to get my head round how DH and I cope with this along with the other challenges life is throwing at us currently, how we best support DD1 and her boyfriend and how we make sure DD2 isn't adversely affected as she takes her A levels and beyond. Head is spinning and I'm starting to panic. Talk to me, please.

As someone who was a teenage parent, this makes me sad as I know how much she is going to miss out on.

But you sound like an amazing mum and that will reflect in her ability to cope and how well she is able to parent her child.

Once you’ve had the scan and everything then she can put a claim in for UC and receive child benefit once the baby is here.
It won’t go very far but it will help.

It will be tough but once her body has healed and she feels mentally well enough, I would encourage her to get a PT job or study PT and to still go out and see friends.
The boyfriend needs to make sure she has time to do this.

One of the worst parts of being a teen mum is seeing all your friends going out enjoying themselves, going on holidays, studying or having money from working to buy nice things.
Whilst you are depressed, sleep deprived, leaking milk and weeing yourself.

I wouldn’t change my DC for the world and we have such an incredible bond.

I don't think it's that ,'this country has an obsession to kick kids out at 18,' as you put it.
Most people, in this country, actually want to live independently once they reach a certain age. It's totally normal. I know I did. I didn't manage it at 18, it was 20 for me. Still had a loving family and loads of support but wanted to be free! Completely understandable that the OP is seeing a future where they stay with them for a while, rather than forever!
I would consider this arrangement "normal," for most.
A very stressful and overwhelming time for you at the minute, but it will all be ok.

My own parents got pregnant with my sister when my brother was 16 and about to go to college, having a baby in the house had 0 impact on his ability to achieve very high a-level results, we didn't live in a big house either. I'm not sure why this would impact a sibling doing a-levels, that's nonsense. My brother was off to uni when our sister was 2, if anything it was sad he wasn't around to see her much. The sibling will probably move out for uni shortly so the impact on her will be minimal.

DD2 has her ambitions which she is entitled to have. What a shame it would be if her sister's choices spoiled hers. Having a little baby might be nice but she will resent it if it screws her chances in life. Perhaps she could stay with grandparents until the exams are over? She needs quiet.s peace and

@Marmee53 yeah, that’s not the done thing at all. Most independent mothers of 2 can cope on their own without their mum for 31 days straight.

@VerbenaGirl you sound a fantastic mum and so supportive. Your DD is lucky to have you. Practically, it sounds like the BF Dad is helping. It would probably be good for the 6 of you to get together and discuss the practical matters; living, money, cars etc. how long is the bf training for? Where will they want/need to live when he is qualified?

She's not totally without qualifications (decent GCSEs and one A level - despite only sitting one of the two exams for that subject) and has worked part-time during Sixth Form. Her boyfriend works hard at a steady job and is also doing a training programme with them to make the next step up. But the overall rates of poverty in this country are, of course, extremely concerning.

Bombs are quieter and only go off once?

My ds woke up 5 times a night crying until he was nearly 2. If my sleep had been that disturbed while I was doing my A-levels I'd have had no chance. There are now going to be 2 extra people living in the house, one dd2 barely knows I'd assume (as dd1 and bf only got together this year) and a baby that will take up a lot of time and attention, the dynamic will change hugely and dd2 may be very uncomfortable (or very happy who knows).

I was pregnant at 18 about a decade ago, just towards the end of my A-levels! Gave birth at 19. My DH (then boyfriend) was also 19.

I received a £500 maternity grant before baby was born and it pretty much covered everything for the initial outlay. Not sure if they are still a thing or not?

My priority when I found out I was pregnant was to find full-time work. I ended up just taking what I could (min wage fast food job!) and didn’t disclose I was pregnant initially. But it meant a steady wage and I just about qualified for maternity allowance after baby was born which was paid for 9 months. Combined with tax credits I was easily able to pay and afford stuff baby needed.

I lived with my parents for the first year and it wasn’t easy but I appreciated the extra support massively. It meant I could do driving lessons and study part-time with the OU.

It all worked out okay in the end. 10 years on me and DH are married, own a house etc. and I have done everything I’ve wanted. I am very, very blessed to have a fantastic partner and wider family though. Becoming a young mum also meant baby had a full-set of grandparents and great-grandparents which meant never being short of people wanting to help or babysit.

I went to a baby group specifically for young mums everyone was about 18/19, 4 out of 6 of us are now married to baby’s dad a decade later.

What on earth??? There is no way I would ever consider my sister's child to be 'spoiling my choices' - what an utterly bizarre way to look at your own family. What do you think a baby is going to do in this circumstance? Plenty of people have babies in the house while studying for exams - many people actually give birth to and breastfeed babies while studying for exams - and do absolutely fine. It makes me wonder what sort of babies people have been around that they consider them to be so destructive and awful!

Right. She needs to understand that her decisions affect all of you forever; it's not just a matter of bringing a cute baby home from the hospital.

What are her plans for financially supporting her child?

Sorry to sound harsh; your daughter and her boyfriend should have accounted for this possibility.

Can they receive help from the council in terms of housing?

I think you are projecting here. This is mumsnet where the majority of posters think that having a baby is a blessing or a lovely thing.

I doubt very much that a 17 year old about to take A levels will. If she has to put up with a crying baby and the resulting disruptive sleep in the middle of A levels i can see why it would be a problem.

@VerbenaGirl

Would you have to give up your job Op?

"She's 18, not a child" - this is so true. The parenting of any teenager is always about that difficult balance of guiding and supporting them, but letting them grow up and gain independence. You can't control them and make decisions for them, just be honest with them about the likely pathway their decisions could take them on and realistic about the extent to which you can support them practically. It may well be a massive hard struggle ahead, or she might just thrive and be a great mum. I imagine - like most things in life - it will be somewhere in-between and we'll take the challenges as and when they come - hopefully with some good bits in-between.

Well, it is like a bomb being dropped into her life.

@Hungrycaterpillarsmummy

most teens don’t want a screaming baby around whilst they are trying to revise for their a levels

You say she was on the pill. Do you know for sure she was taking it?!
It seems like she thinks this is the easy option to get her out of doing any work in her life, it seems a bit planned imo.
I don't think she knows what she's in for!

Good luck op. I hope it all works out ok.

I know.... That's why I'm saying it's not good for the second daughter??

Excellent advice here.

Daughter can't be left to think this baby is a ticket to not working. Quite the contrary; she'll need to hustle harder with a child to support.

No, I won't be giving up my job. I think I'm pretty clear that we'll be there to support her - but day-to-day caring responsibilities are hers.

Doesn't sound like she can afford a baby, too easy to fall back on you. I feel sad that this can impact the rest of the family and your younger daughter.
She's lucky she has you but i do hope you really think about what this could mean for you if/when it all goes pear shaped with bf. Do you think she will step up and really parent or will it be too easy to put responsibility on you like shes planning to do with housing and money as shes not working?

Are A levels so important that someone would prioritise having perfect peace and quiet for them over an actual family member? I'm not being provocative, I just genuinely don't understand this viewpoint. Having a baby in the house while doing A levels makes everything a bit harder, but surely not to the extent that someone would consider that a good reason to not have the baby?? Why would the sister be up in the night due to the baby? I often stay over in my sister's house - she has a toddler and a newborn - and the baby never wakes me because I'm not tuned into the crying and I know I don't have to get up. Your own baby seems quite loud because you're listening out for it, but IME other babies are quite easy to ignore, especially once you're asleep.

I absolutely agree that having a baby at 18 is hard. But all the assertions about 'falling into poverty' and damaging the sister's opportunities seem totally overblown to me. An 18 year old coming from already impoverished or unsupportive background is likely to struggle very badly (and yet I have known young mums from that background who have done extremely well) but someone with supportive parents has every chance of making a good go of it. It really isn't that impossible.

I'd be interested to hear their side of the story.

@TheDailyCarbunkle

most teens don’t want a screaming baby around whilst they are trying to revise for their a levels

I was 18, a train wreck at the time. I was/am a good mother and it changed me for the better.
My advice would be to make sure she focuses on education...when baby is 9/10 months the baby could go to a child minder whilst your dd goes to college or uni to focus on a good career. She should get help with costs with all that.
If she focuses on her education and career by the time she's in her mid to late 20s she will have a good job to support the baby and herself.
Things that helped me were getting my drivers licence too. I got a private let which I couldn't really afford so council house would have been better. I have a mundane/ low paid job and I wish I had went to uni and put dd into childcare whilst I studied.
That's my advice.