18 Year Old DD1 Pregnant

[VerbenaGirl]

She told me yesterday and I was quite calm (I had a feeling it was coming, as she was struggling with food in exactly the same way i did in early pregnancy). She has some health issues that will impact on her life and we were just getting on top of those. Today we did some practical things - which I think helped both of us feel more in control of the situation. Got scan appointment through for next week - which will provide clarity on dates. This evening I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. Realistically she and the baby will be living here, at least initially, and money will be tight. I need to get my head round how DH and I cope with this along with the other challenges life is throwing at us currently, how we best support DD1 and her boyfriend and how we make sure DD2 isn't adversely affected as she takes her A levels and beyond. Head is spinning and I'm starting to panic. Talk to me, please.

It doesn't mean that the sister's needs should be totally ignored though.

I am autistic so have a very black and white viewpoint on this. If I ever have a daughter she will be told that if she gets pregnant before a time when she can support herself (with a dedicated SO, a roof over their heads and a job) then she will get no help from me or her dad. By that point I will have served my time in terms of raising new borns and would not be wanting to repeat that at an advanced age.

I would of course aid a responsible adult daughter and might even offer to move in until they were settled as it's not a permanent change to my life.

I know most people won't share my viewpoint but I'd think after 18 years of child rearing my husband and I should be able to spend our later years travelling and being a bit more carefree.

I currently have one two year old son and will make sure that in his teen years he is properly schooled in what will happen if contraception is not used properly. He would not be off the hook if he got a girl pregnant.

@catandcandle I went through most of my medical degree with a baby (my brother) in the house. I did just fine and never thought to resent my mother for having a baby while I was studying (or resent the baby).

This is a totally different situation.

Your baby brother had two experienced and mature parents living in the same house. That's make a big difference.

Nonsense. There are thousands of older teenagers who share family homes with new borns and they don’t suffer life changing damage to their prospects.

How would you know unless you are close friends with them all?

That doesn't mean the DD is right to expect her sister to put up with a newborn.

There are a few posters coming along here with their anecdotes of their friends or family who had a baby at 16 and are now (almost) running the country.
Sadly, this is not how it works for most unmarried mums who have not completed their education.

Many end up in low-wage jobs ( shops, cafes, care homes) with no prospects and often get involved with other unsuitable boys/ men, having sex, getting pregnant, hoping that a new relationship will provide them with a home and security.

There are far more of these women than those who went on to have high flying careers, balancing a baby on their hips at the same time.

It's VERY easy to have sex, to get pregnant, and no contraception is 100%.

It's a hell of a lot harder to raise a child when you are 18 with no qualifications, no income, no home of your own.

I don't want to assume, but I'd question the maturity of the daughter here as she seems unwilling to engage in level of responsibility this baby would entail.

I also wonder how she got pregnant on the Pill and if her illness meant the Pill wasn't working, if she forgot to take it, or whatever.

@VerbenaGirl If your DD was ill so she had to leave school, how can she now support a child of her own? Her illness must have been pretty severe to stop her education.

OP, get the dating scan done and then speak to DWP about any benefits your DD may be entitled too e.g. ESA.

Whatever happens with ESA etc make sure your DD claims Child benefit asap in her name when the baby is born (it can only be backdated by 3 months). This will give some useful money and also she will receive a Class 3 National Insursnce credit until the child is 12. This will count towards her state pension and will give her at least 10 qualifying years towards it, which is the minimum amount you need to receive any State Pension (35 years for max amount, at least 10 for anything).

Don't let her boyfriend claim Child Benefit as he is working and (probably) earning enough to pay NI, or enough to be treated as if he has paid.

If her boyfriend earns more than £50k then ensure DD applies for Child benefit anyway - she can apply for it without the money so she still gets the NI credit and her boyfriend dodges the tax charge (or she can get the money and he can pay the tax charge).

Even if DD's health allows her to work in the future, you can help her protect her NI record now by claiming Child benefit.

Other benefits she may be entitled to may also give her a Class 3 NI credit or a Class 1 NI credit, which counts towards other contributory benefits as well as the state pension. She should still claim Child Benefit though to guarantee NI Credits until her child turns 12.

With DD2, look into anything which can be done to help her revise in peace when baby is here e.g. school after classes, local library, friend's house, a relative's house.

@VerbenaGirl
Please don’t panic
I know exactly how you feel. Our daughter had a baby when she was 18 and we were just like you. But when we first saw that beautiful little baby girl we instantly fell in love with her and still love her dearly now that she is a beautiful adult. She and her mum lived with us until she was 11 but fortunately they only moved round the corner so we still got to see her every day. In fact the tables have turned somewhat as she now treats us as the “oldies” and checks up on us. We laugh when setting off on holiday she texts us to drive carefully and let her know when we arrive.
Of course it will be change to your family way of life but as previous posters in this situation have said it has turned out to be a wonderful experience for all of
us - baby, mum, grandma and grandad and all other family members.
Lots of love to you and both of your daughters and the rest of your family

Babies are babies and act/behave like babies regardless... OPs daughter is an adult, not sure why she is guaranteed to be an irresponsible immature mother who can’t care for her baby properly.

@TheDailyCarbunkle

a levels are very very important

huge part of her education

very influential on her future

I would be fuming at that age

Although it’s not ideal, I can honestly say that if my daughter got pregnant and lived with us with her baby, my son wouldn’t be ‘fuming’. He would be concerned for his sister and how she’d cope with being a young mum. I think you’re underestimating the bond between siblings. My children are very close though, maybe yours aren’t.

Thank you so much JohannaFay

The irony of making out it's the younger daughter being selfish in this situation.

Babies are babies and act/behave like babies regardless... OPs daughter is an adult, not sure why she is guaranteed to be an irresponsible immature mother who can’t care for her baby properly.

How ridiculous!
She is legally an adult, but she is not necessarily mature. If she really was mature she would consider a termination, as her baby is going to upset the lives of 3 other people in her family. It's a very selfish choice.

An adult is usually someone who can support themselves or is on track to do that, and doesn't need to rely on their parents.

The DD can't care for her baby.

She is reliant on her parents. She has no job and no home of her own.

Caring for your baby is not just about feeding it and changing nappies.

How can you possibly compare an adult couple, in their own home, who chose to have a child (when they had a much older daughter, presumably at uni all day) and were already experienced as parents, with this situation here?

@JohannaFay You clearly have a heart of gold.

If my DD had become pregnant at 18, I would have been in my 50s, and there is no way I'd have accepted another child into the home for 11 years till I was mid-60s.

I doubt many other families would.

Your dd1 is an adult your dd2 isn't. It's really unfair to allow dd1s pg to affect her A levels
You need to make it clear to dd1 that that can't happen, how is she proposing to cope as an adult soon to be mother? Is she working?

@JaNaJanice I don't think so. Everyone I know who got pregnant when they were a teenager got an abortion.

There were probably more that got pregnant and had abortions that I didn't know about

Considering:
*The average age for a 1st time mother in the UK is 30.7 years
*Only 13.1 per 1000 under 18 women get pregnant (2020 data)
*The age group where most abortions happen is 21 yrs old
*there were over 214k abortions last year

It would suggest younger women are more open to abortions.

There are also studies that show 99% of women feel 'relief' 5 years after having an abortion even if they had a difficult time choosing which option to take. www.medpagetoday.com/obgyn/pregnancy/84345

All the above are facts and stats - most from UK government website or statista

So unless you can show me what you mean by 'a large segment of the population' feel very differently about contraception and abortions, I will keep to my facts and stats

When my stepdaughters were doing their GCSEs and A-levels their brother was an autistic toddler and having hourly meltdowns. After that, behavioural tutors were in the home 40 hours a week for years. Again, family life. They got on with it and did exceptionally well.

And why assume that the teenage DD won't be able to look after a baby, especially as she has a supportive mother? My mother was 18 when I was born and lived with her mother and younger brother for the first three years of my life. I was beautifully looked after. And why assume that babies are a nuisance to, rather than a life-affirming addition to, family life?

You sound lovely and supportive, OP, but honestly, this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

Your dd is extremely young and has health problems that might impact on her ability to care for this child. She has no real career prospects and has only been in her relationship for a very short period. The baby was unplanned. Of course it is her body and her choice, but the reality is that she will be relying heavily on you and/or the state to raise this baby, and the outlook for your grandchild will probably be pretty bleak tbh - it isn't the kind of start in life that I would wish on anyone.

Does she actually understand what she is signing up for, do you think?

@TheDailyCarbunkle

this!

the older daughter is being the selfish one

getting pregnant and expecting everyone her to inconvenience themselves and support her loads - which she will need because she is 18, with no job, no house, no car, etc etc

she is expecting a lot from others to facilitate her own choice to continue this pregnancy

@catandcandle should we be encouraging all unemployed teenagers to get pregnant then as babies are a life affirming addition to families

Your dd1 is an adult your dd2 isn't. It's really unfair to allow dd1s pg to affect her A levels

@RedHelenB I agree with your point, but are you one of these people who think that once someone has had their 18th birthday (and legally they are an adult) they are also emotionally mature?

Yes, legally they can vote, marry , drink, etc.

But the LAW and emotional maturity are very different.

When my DCs were 18 they were doing their A levels and living at home.

They were just the same as they were one day before their 18th birthdays!

They didn't change into adults overnight, except by law.

No of course the situation is different and less than ideal. I just mean solely from the angle of what impact a baby in the house will have on DD2.

@VerbenaGirl what were yours and your DD's expectations before she got pregnant or ill?

What was her career path?

I was in sec education for years. I know that for someone to leave school and give up on A levels due to ill health means they must have been very poorly. Most schools would offer support and p/t attendance etc.

Was this mental health or another chronic illness?

How is she now and will it impact on her bringing up a baby?

No of course the situation is different and less than ideal. I just mean solely from the angle of what impact a baby in the house will have on DD2.

You know nothing about the impact. The other poster's parents were mature presumably, as they already had a daughter in her 20s. They knew how to parent. They were not 18 and living with their mum and dad.

They may have had a much bigger house. Certainly putting someone through medical school needs parental contributions for uni fees, so I'd assume they were well-off.

The OP says they will struggle with the finances themselves.

Is anyone else finding the "I got pregnant as a teen/did a degree/have a marvelous career/am a fabulous mother" posts a little tiresome?

These are just snapshots of a few individuals, but statistically this isn't the reality for most people.

Exactly. An 18 year old getting pregnant is not something to celebrate.