18 Year Old DD1 Pregnant

[VerbenaGirl]

She told me yesterday and I was quite calm (I had a feeling it was coming, as she was struggling with food in exactly the same way i did in early pregnancy). She has some health issues that will impact on her life and we were just getting on top of those. Today we did some practical things - which I think helped both of us feel more in control of the situation. Got scan appointment through for next week - which will provide clarity on dates. This evening I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. Realistically she and the baby will be living here, at least initially, and money will be tight. I need to get my head round how DH and I cope with this along with the other challenges life is throwing at us currently, how we best support DD1 and her boyfriend and how we make sure DD2 isn't adversely affected as she takes her A levels and beyond. Head is spinning and I'm starting to panic. Talk to me, please.

Jesus fucking christ. I feel sorry for some of the kids out there who have some of these posters as parents!

Being pregnant at 18 isn't the end of the world. All the comments about 'it will be you raising the baby etc' are absolute trash. I've known plenty of people who have had children in their late teens and never once has it fallen to their parents to look after the baby. They may have needed family support but quite often kids need family support throughout their lives for a variety of reasons.

And yes, likely they won't end up living happily ever after but come on, 50% of marriages end in divorce so the odds are stacked against you at ANY AGE.

I fell pregnant when I was 17, but I had a termination. My parents never even knew, I never told them. If I had have had supportive parents then I probably would have gone through with it but I knew they wouldn't have been. I regretted that decision from the moment I made it, and still do decades later. It's true we have 'choices' but for some, it doesn't feel like a choice and nobody should be made to feel they have to choose one certain path to keep other people happy.

It's not what you hoped for your daughter, but let's face it, there are worse things than getting pregnant. She'll get through this, you'll get through this.

You sound like such a lovely, supportive mum, and I'm sure your DD will always remember how supported she felt by you when she told you. It must feel like her world has been turned upside down right now and it's lovely to see you're supporting her.

My best friend fell pregnant at 16 and had her DS at 17. Her mum supported her, helped with childcare whilst friend and her DP worked (though they did try to sort their shifts so that they worked different patterns). They moved into rented accommodation when their DS was around 2-3 years old, and bought their first house two years ago. They're married now, and only have DS, who is now 14. They are wonderful parents and DS is a very bright boy who's on track to achieve very well in his GCSEs. They both work incredibly hard and life worked out for them. She's also the best auntie I could wish for for my DS. They may have been young and not quite ready for family life, but he really made them, and has brought endless happiness to their lives, and his Nana's who helped so much in those early years.

It will be nothing compared to the stress of raising a baby with no job and no housing.

DDs choice impacts her mother too. She needs to understand that.

Nowhere have I said OP should advocate for an abortion. But it is an option and shouldn’t be dismissed.

It's not ideal to have a baby at 18 but so many people seem to think it's a disaster and awful - I can't really understand why?

Really?
Because for some people it really is a disaster. Not all babies are blessings, not are they very much wanted. Had I been unfortunate enough to get pregnant at 18 I would have chosen to terminate. Not all 18 year olds are in the fortunate position of having a supportive family like the OP's daughter.

Completely agree with looking at teenage pregnancy life outcome stats - actual data - not mumsnet anecdotes.

Here is something that came up with a Google search of 'teenage pregnancy outcomes' - there are loads of other reports

www.nuffieldtrust.org.uk/resource/teenage-pregnancy#:~:text=Research%20has%20shown%20that%20teenage,health%20problems%20than%20older%20mothers.

Research has shown that teenage pregnancy is associated with poorer outcomes for both young parents and their children. Teenage mothers are less likely to finish their education, are more likely to bring up their child alone and in poverty, and have a higher risk of mental health problems than older mothers. Infant mortality rates are 60% higher for babies born to teenage mothers. As children they have an increased risk of living in poverty and are more likely to have accidents and behavioural problems.

Thank you so much for all the kind words and sensible advice.

Just don't forget the needs of the younger child while you help bring up the baby and move her sister's boyfriend into the house for however long.

My friends got pregnant young, around 18. Stayed together, 16 years later. Very wealthy and successful now. Very happy. It worked out. They learned to drive, got a flat, worked to support themselves and eventually made a business

Just here to say it will all be alright in the end. Yes, it's not ideal and what you would have chosen for her at this point in her life, but she has plenty of time to continue with studies after the baby. Things don't have to be done in a set order. The main thing is that you reacted from a place of love and support. That is what she needs right now and she'll never forget it. Good luck, you sound like a lovely family.

Because you say so?

Because I read the official statistics around this subject a few years back. I was studying statistics at the time. 😉

I really agree with this.

OP, you sound like such a nice women so I will try and be temperate in my response 😁.

I have children around this age.

This is a bloody disaster.

She has health issues, no A levels as a result, a 5 minute relationship and has now decided to play mummy.

She is 100% unrealistic and is signing her future away, all on the back of you and your husband.

Her health issues mean you have already had a lot of worry, and now, with no job, education, no prospects, she has decided to have a baby.

The luxury of knowing the dirty business of it will be paid for by her parents.

The relationship is highly unlikely to last.
Why?
Because they are young and barely know each other.

Your other child has most likely lived in the shadow of her sisters health issues, and now will have a crying baby and everything that involves, in her home as she trys to do her exams.

Not right.
Not fair.

You need to give some long hard thought to this.

I do not think your daughter gets to decide that she can stay at home and put this on you.

Your DD2 has every right to expect her exam year to be a top priority in her home.

You are utterly failing her, and her future by not being very cognisant of that.

Your daughter is consumed by herself and her wants, but you should not be.

You have two daughters.
You need to look at them both.

If your daughter feels she does not meet her exam potential because of this upheaval, she will have every right to blame you, her parents, for not stepping in and doing the right thing for her during a very stressful, critical to her future, exam year.

I really wish you the best.

I was 18 and pregnant when I went to pick up my A-Level results. Lived at home until I moved out when DC was 4. The first few months weren't easy but once everything settled down it was fine. You will all manage because you just do.

You sound like a lovely supportive mum. This is what your DD will remember. She needs you now more than she ever has. There is no rush for her to have to move out if you have the space/money/time.

One overarching memory for me from that time (and it was 30 years ago) is how everyone said I was 'ruining my life/ your life is over for the next 18 years' - rubbish. I wish someone had told me at the time how rewarding it was to raise a baby and watch them grow into a wonderful person.

I went on to go to university - a little later than planned but got there in the end! My degree qualified me into the profession I've been in ever since and I now have 3 DCs.

I wouldn't change a single day of my life but I never would have got to where I was now without the support of my parents. They weren't pleased initially but we got through that. Once you are all over the initial shock and start planning ahead it will all seem much more manageable. Good luck for the future.

All of this.

@VerbenaGirl From reading through the thread, I can imagine your head is spinning, especially with so many unkind responses.

You have time! You have time to plan how it will work for you all as a family, put boundaries and expectations in place. Maybe speak to DS and find out what would help him.

I had my DS at 19, I lived at home for the first 5 months of his life and it was a massive help, my mum helped me get DS in a routine, taught me how to do all those things we are just expected to know. There was never any issues when I lived at home, I pulled my weight and was responsible solely for my sons needs.

I was very lucky, I did get social housing. This will be an option for them, as you’ll likely be overcrowded but there maybe a longer wait due to the current climate and depending on your local area.

Have an open conversation with your family and come up with your own rules, that works for all members of your family.

Speaking from experience, your DD will be eternally grateful for all the support you give her and you’ll likely have an amazing bond with your DGC.

It is her body and her decision. I can inform her and be very honest with her, but no more.

Because the OP asked for advice and support for her daughter. They can do lists together can’t they it doesn’t all have to fall to the OP?

Did you read the rest of my post? I was talking about this circumstance, in which the person does have a supportive family. I absolutely hate this about MN - the way people read one part and respond to something that wasn't actually written.

Thanks NKFell - I think I'll make that my mantra over the next few weeks - "Don't panic, just be there."

Well put. I totally agree.

I haven't read the comments as I know it would turn nasty.

I just wanted to say you sound like such a lovely Mum - well done. This obviously isn't an ideal situation to be in however it's the situation and you'll all cope.

Once the dust has settled, I'd be a bit firm with DD1 and explain that whilst you'll be supporting her as well as you can, she has got herself into this situation so she has to start thinking of how she will be able to manage this.

Sometimes tough love is required. Best of luck to you all.

Thank you SofaLola33

They are outliers.

Id be telling the OP to get a job, draw up a budget and explain how exactly she and her boyfriend are going to raise and pay for this kid.

I have worked in mother and baby unit and have seen far younger mothers cope with a baby and continue with their education. I have since met one who went on to do her degree and is now a teacher. So not the end of the world in my eyes although i realise others would disagree.
I would be concerned about your younger dd and her A level studies but as you are obviously supportive hopefully you can lessen the impact on her.

Why are all the posts about the younger DD focused on her A levels? She's going to have a niece or nephew, which is a lovely thing. People seem to be forgetting that this is a baby, not a bomb!

Hi OP

You sound like a lovely, supportive mum and your dd is very lucky to have you. These things do happen, I feel pregnant myself with a coil.

Practically / financially if money is tight, encourage her to buy some items 2nd hand. We got great deals on prams, cribs etc om fb market place or ebay. Babies use the items for such a small amount of time they were like new and we were able to sell on once we finished using them. For clothes, encourage her to look at sites like vinted which again is great for reselling items!

I think you will all be fine, I'd encourage her to start finding out what she will be entitled to financially so she knows and can start planning as such. Look at the sure start grant which she will likely be entitled to.

Best of luck to you all.