18 Year Old DD1 Pregnant

[VerbenaGirl]

She told me yesterday and I was quite calm (I had a feeling it was coming, as she was struggling with food in exactly the same way i did in early pregnancy). She has some health issues that will impact on her life and we were just getting on top of those. Today we did some practical things - which I think helped both of us feel more in control of the situation. Got scan appointment through for next week - which will provide clarity on dates. This evening I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. Realistically she and the baby will be living here, at least initially, and money will be tight. I need to get my head round how DH and I cope with this along with the other challenges life is throwing at us currently, how we best support DD1 and her boyfriend and how we make sure DD2 isn't adversely affected as she takes her A levels and beyond. Head is spinning and I'm starting to panic. Talk to me, please.

Your view is clouded yes. Your raising a 2 year old already. So no perhaps you wouldn't mind! However if your 2 year old was 13 I suspect your take would be very different. There's more to life than raising babies forever more Christ.

What has this got to do with anything I posted there?? :S

I literally just made a point that using nursery/crèche or grandparents for childcare is something mothers of all ages do in order to work. Most women I know are keen to get back to work after maternity leave and it’s completely normal for babies to go into nursery or have grandparents help out.

I was simply pointing out it’s a bit silly to criticise young mums specifically for using nursery or grandparents as childcare when it’s a very normal thing to do for mothers of all ages in order to go to work or continue their career. I didn’t say at any point it’s a good thing for a teen mum to be studying alongside juggling a baby :/

I then replied to a poster about my experiences meeting other young mums, referring to my experience that making sure I didn’t have any more children has made things easier for me..

Very confused by your reply

But grandparents are more likely to be still working or have other responsibilities if their grandchild is born to their teenage daughter compared to those if their daughter is in their 30/40s when they have a child @MondaySunday

That’s not my point though, I just meant it seems silly to specifically criticise young mums for using nursery or grandparents for childcare when it’s a normal thing to do for mothers of all ages.

If a woman said ‘I had my first baby at 35 and was able to continue with my career afterwards’ would there be replies of ‘Well how exactly does that work? Does your baby go into a crèche/nursery/grandparents? Either way somebody else is taking care of them!’ Nope as people just accept using childcare from elsewhere is how women are able to do other things.

that’s all I was referring to.

I was slightly older at 21 when I had my first DD, and had lived alone since I was 18 (won’t go into why here, suffice to say I was on track for As at A Level until my life blew up just weeks before), I didn’t sit my exams. I never went home because I didn’t have a home to go back to.

I worked in a call centre, dealing with insurance claims, had DD2 at 24, ExDP left for OW when I was 26, decided he could only by arsed to see them once a month so no help there, and I had DD3 at 29 and had to flee DV from ExH.

I did college at 30, when DD3 was 4 months old. College paid for her childcare for the 3 days I was there (Access Science), but didn’t cover childcare for over 5s, and by this point I was on Income Support and had just moved into a council house after being in a refuge.

It cost me £60 a week in childcare for DDs 1&2. I paid this by, frankly, living off beans on toast/porridge for the entire time I was at college, didn’t buy anything new for myself, got all my bills as low as possible etc. I weighed around 7.5 stone by the end of that year; but at 5ft 2, that’s not too bad.

DD3 didn’t sleep, I had PTSD, I had to flee my hometown so I had no support, I spent countless hours with her in a sling on my back whilst writing up coursework/revising for exams/doing my UCAS application.

60% of my class mates had dropped out by Christmas; they were all a decade younger than me with no children and found it too hard/too much. Course leader said that was a normal amount/the usual reasons. So I have no clue how I managed it, let alone how I managed to get all Distinctions. I applied to 5 Unis - 4RGs, 1 Top 20. Got offers from all barring 1.

Having no support system helped in this respect; it meant I could go wherever I wanted.

It got easier at Uni as SF do cover 85% of the cost of childcare for all children, which covered my high contact hours/commute with the odd morning/afternoon to revise/do coursework when there was nothing scheduled, but it still required a lot of working from DDs were asleep at 7-8pm till 1am.

It meant they were dropped at 7:30am and picked up at 5:30pm, 5 days a week. Eldest two dropped at one place that covered their school, youngest at another as she was 16 months when I started Uni.

I went part time during Covid as lockdowns made it impossible to study, plus my degree has a lot of lab time and it was completely closed for that academic year. I stayed part time for my third year as middle DD was really unwell and had a lot of appointments, so it’s taken me 5 years to complete my degree, 6 years including the college year.

Graduated with a First, did a few extra qualifications on the side via Uni for free, was a course rep, did a few short term paid jobs at Uni directly with my Professors, some in term time (things like developing/changing degree content etc) and I did two mini internships over the summer, funded by Uni. Starting a Masters in January.

14YO said to me after my graduation “You could have thrown the towel in so many times, but you didn’t. You’re amazing. But honestly, Mum? Fuck this. I know I can do my life whatever way round I choose, but sorry not sorry, I will be doing this first.”

Which is pretty much what I was aiming for in terms of the impression it would leave on them…

Besides if we all have babies in our 40s grandparents will be a long forgotten concept all-together 😮

Well no, given life expectancy is increasing all the time.

Not having a child at 18 doesn’t mean you have to wait until 40odd. There’s quite a gap between the two

Not having a child at 18 doesn’t mean you have to wait until 40odd. There’s quite a gap between the two

I know that. Was just a little lighthearted comment :)

My Grandparents were 40 when I was born (they were 16 when they had my Dad, my Dad was 24 when I was born).

They were 61 when their second grandchild was born (my Uncle was in his 40s when he had a child) and in the same year, I had my first child/their first great grandchild .

They’re now in their 80s, and aside from arthritis, they’re pretty fit and well.

They’re also Boomers, so they are wealthy. They bought their first house just before my Dad was born, they paid the mortgage off within 2 years as my Grandmother worked full time too, have never had a mortgage since. My Dad and his younger brother had a childhood of going long haul abroad twice a year, Euro cities two or three times a year plus UK weekend breaks, whatever extracurriculars they wanted, driving lessons and cars paid for, were given 50% deposits for their own first house purchases, etc etc.

Can two teen parents do that these days? Nope.

@LucilleGrey I do appreciate that perhaps my experience was not a typcial one.

My parents still worked full time so they did very little child care. Luckily I had my daughter in the Summer of the first year and term didn’t start until October so I enjoyed the first few months with her full time. Then when my second year began my Uni were fantastic, I had a funded crèche place for her and I managed to continue to breast feed. When I left University and started work I paid for a private nursery and her father would also help.

I am not minimising how big a deal it was at the time, my parents were pretty horrified at first but were never angry.

@LucilleGrey

I received income support when I was at college. They had a free crèche. My son was 3. I did a BTEC and A levels. Went to uni with a loan and support grant. Studied law but at that point my son was 5 and at school. I used my loan to pay a childminder.

I got a job when I left uni in a law firm. When I had secured a training contract (the training element of becoming a solicitor) I borrowed money from a bank that specialised in post graduate loans for law students studying either the LPC or BVC. The repayments were over 10 years. I worked whilst studying the LPC. My son would have been 13 at the time and my dad would watch him at the weekend when I had to be in uni. It took 17 years to pay back my student loan and post graduate loan. I have paid more in tax than I ever received in benefits. But I did need benefits for a the first couple of years.

I also had a second child at 40 so my kids have a 22 year age gap. Doing it at 40 when you're financially secure is obviously easier - and there are two of you doing the parenting.

Oh and I had a housing association flat which was how I was able to move out of my mums. I was only there for about 18 months before I moved away to college.

These things are all possible but not easy.

@VerbenaGirl "She's 18, not a child" - this is so true. The parenting of any teenager is always about that difficult balance of guiding and supporting them, but letting them grow up and gain independence. You can't control them and make decisions for them, just be honest with them about the likely pathway their decisions could take them on and realistic about the extent to which you can support them practically. It may well be a massive hard struggle ahead, or she might just thrive and be a great mum. I imagine - like most things in life - it will be somewhere in-between and we'll take the challenges as and when they come - hopefully with some good bits in-between."

Just reading your post quoted above OP and I agree with the other posters who have said what a brilliant mum you are to your daughter.

I am, however, cringing at reading some of the other posts on here and I really hope that should these posters ever be in the situation where their own DD becomes pregnant in their teens that they are able to be a bit more supportive than their advice on here would suggest.

Things may not be so easy now.
Loans and grants are very different for uni study.

Aren't young people under 25 supposed to be housed by their parents rather than claim housing benefit?

I do feel annoyed TBH that the state pays for teens or young women to be housed at taxpayers' expense when birth control is so easily available. If a pregnancy is not economically viable without benefits, or a family to support them, teens should double -up on birth control, or be prepared for a termination.

Hmm. If she can't cope with work or study because she's too unwell, how is she planning to cope with a baby?

@LucilleGrey you're effectively suggesting having a child should be means tested. Your initial post was incredibly judgmental so your view on benefits doesn't surprise me at all.

My sister got pregnant at 16. Although shocked my parents supported her the best they could.
She only lived at home for about a 1.5 years before she got housed by the council.

Didn't impact any of her siblings in the slightest.

@LucilleGrey I do feel annoyed TBH that the state pays for teens or young women to be housed at taxpayers' expense when birth control is so easily available. If a pregnancy is not economically viable without benefits, or a family to support them, teens should double -up on birth control, or be prepared for a termination.

Agree

I'm not going to apologise for saying that I think teens who can't support a child should be extra careful with contraception. And not rely on taxpayers, who are supporting their own teens, often at great expense through uni etc.

It's not about means testing. No. It's about recognising that benefits have changed since you had your child @kirinm There are no grants any more. There are loans. Housing benefit is far more controlled. Maybe you are not up to date.
So direct your judgy comments at the system that created that, not me.

@PinkButtercups I don't think calling someone 'vile' is allowed here. Anyway, in case you didn't understand my point, I'm not saying abortion should be forced on any woman. I'm saying that - as have 100s of posters here (which you haven't read, clearly) that the OP's D ought to consider it. And there are also posters here (not in the US!) who say that they would always have considered a termination if they got pregnant as a teen.

So maybe learnt to read posts properly before you pop along and start slinging insults.

@LucilleGrey which bit of 'it took me 17 years to pay off my loans' didn't you get?

The OP's daughter hasn't intentionally become pregnant. But based on your view she should terminate?

@kirinm The OP's daughter hasn't intentionally become pregnant.

No-one knows that for a fact, except the DD...

We already know what are high risk factors for teen pregnancy, and what are factors that reduce teen pregnancy. It's not 'just an accident'. There are complex reasons behind it, even when it is an accidental pregnancy. Otherwise, teen conception (as well as abortion) would be spread evenly across all groups in society.
Here is a teenage girl who has had to drop out of education and work, two ticks for starters. There are probably other factors at play as well. Even if not consciously deliberate, it does give her a focus and reason to be special, and someone to love. She could have taken a long lasting contraceptive but didn't, nor was (guess here) encouraged to do so.

so many posters on here banging on about the horrors of teenage pregnancy in here are being really unhelpful to the OP. I’ve already told my teenage pregnancy success story, so won’t go on about that again.

but honestly, what do people think they are going to achieve by going on about how terrible being a teenage mother is? The OPs dd is already pregnant, she wants to keep the baby and OP is being supportive. What is everyone hoping to achieve? For OP to pressure her daughter into an abortion she doesn’t want? Surely that’s far more damaging?!

at the end of the day, despite popular mumsnet belief, having a baby in your teens or very early 20s can work out just fine. It did for me and for lots of people I know. None of us are on benefits, most of us own our own homes and none of us needed any more support than an older mother would. It doesn’t have to be a disaster. That’s not to say say it doesn’t make going back to studying or working harder, obviously you always have someone else to consider. But I’m pretty sure the OP and her daughter know that.

the only thing that would concern me would be her health problems and whether these would be worsened by pregnancy, you don’t mention whether or not that would be the case OP, and hopefully all will be fine.

good luck to you and your dd, I hope it all works out.