Page 12 | 18 Year Old DD1 Pregnant

VerbenaGirl · 2022-10-26T21:50:09+00:00

She told me yesterday and I was quite calm (I had a feeling it was coming, as she was struggling with food in exactly the same way i did in early pregnancy). She has some health issues that will impact on her life and we were just getting on top of those. Today we did some practical things - which I think helped both of us feel more in control of the situation. Got scan appointment through for next week - which will provide clarity on dates. This evening I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. Realistically she and the baby will be living here, at least initially, and money will be tight. I need to get my head round how DH and I cope with this along with the other challenges life is throwing at us currently, how we best support DD1 and her boyfriend and how we make sure DD2 isn't adversely affected as she takes her A levels and beyond. Head is spinning and I'm starting to panic. Talk to me, please.

MsGus · 27/10/2022 14:59

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/10/2022 14:32

@TheDailyCarbunkle

if she were to have an abortion now what’s to say that she would struggle with infertility in later life?

she could have a baby on five years when she has a job etc

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Infertility might be one thing but the other is the mental anguish and regret.

RampantIvy · 27/10/2022 14:59

toomuchlaundry · 27/10/2022 14:22

I suppose not many people will come on here and say having a teenage pregnancy fucked up their life, in just the same way people very rarely say they regret having a child (or another child) whereas in reality they do regret it @glassfully

I agree. It might be due the main demographic of the posters who posted on this thread or even who are on mumsnet.

BatsAtHome · 27/10/2022 14:59

RandomMusings7 · 27/10/2022 14:47

C) give her a real talk about what life with a baby is like and set clear expectations about your level of involvement with the baby in terms or finances, housing and childcare. Let her choose, but make sure the choice is fully informed. Make it known that you won't enable her poor planning by effectively raising her baby for her. Harsh but realistic and fair.

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A talk like this is of course completely sensible. My reply wasn't really aimed at those suggesting a compassionate talk, giving all the options and setting some boundaries though.

BatsAtHome · 27/10/2022 15:04

minipie · 27/10/2022 14:51

Bats I would be having lengthy conversations with her about the practicalities of having a baby, with no income and not much in the way of job prospects, and how she thinks she will manage. And about alternative life paths that she might enjoy, but wouldn’t be available with a baby. And about the potential consequences for her health.

And I would be desperately hoping that she’d come round to termination by herself.

I appreciate it would need to be done very carefully to avoid alienating her. But I wouldn’t be able to simply support her decision, without talking about it, when I thought it was a massive mistake. Especially as DD may not have fully thought through or appreciated the consequences - she’s only 18, and she obviously hasn’t had the experience of having a baby.

You can call this coercion if you like, I don’t. I call it making sure she’s making the right decision for the right reasons.

No, I wouldn't call that coercion.
Some of these posters would seem to want to take an absolute sledgehammer to the situation. Some seem to be really lacking compassion and empathy.
I see nothing wrong with your suggested approach at all.
I shouldn't have assumed that a kind but honest conversation about the realities and the options would be had, but I did.
I was assuming we are coming from a place where the decision has been made and a way forward must be found.

TheDailyCarbunkle · 27/10/2022 15:07

BatsAtHome · 27/10/2022 15:04

No, I wouldn't call that coercion.
Some of these posters would seem to want to take an absolute sledgehammer to the situation. Some seem to be really lacking compassion and empathy.
I see nothing wrong with your suggested approach at all.
I shouldn't have assumed that a kind but honest conversation about the realities and the options would be had, but I did.
I was assuming we are coming from a place where the decision has been made and a way forward must be found.

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I would call that coercion because it would be plainly obvious to the DD what her mother really wanted and there is no way she would feel fully supported - she would feel like she was being hammered with the negatives and reminded of all the difficulties in the hope that she would 'do the right thing' and get rid of the baby that she wants. I can't imagine a more comprehensive way to let a child down than that.

All the DD needs to hear is 'this wasn't the best timing and we do worry about the difficulties but we will support you no matter what so please don't worry.'

TheDailyCarbunkle · 27/10/2022 15:11

My own parents were pretty shit parents but I would never imagine them being so cold and harsh as some people on here. It makes me wonder how they were treated themselves.

All the talk about the outcomes of teen pregnancies being poorer is pure nonsense - outcomes tend to be poorer not because of the age of the parents but due to the socioeconomic situation they're in. Surely that's obvious?

RandomMusings7 · 27/10/2022 15:12

@TheDailyCarbunkle that is not coercion, that is giving her the cold hard facts. And you don't know what DD needs, because you don't know how this plays out. Maybe she needs sense knocked into her to save her from destroying her future.

TheDailyCarbunkle · 27/10/2022 15:15

RandomMusings7 · 27/10/2022 15:12

@TheDailyCarbunkle that is not coercion, that is giving her the cold hard facts. And you don't know what DD needs, because you don't know how this plays out. Maybe she needs sense knocked into her to save her from destroying her future.

I don't see a baby as destroying someone's future. I think that's where we differ.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/10/2022 15:20

I would call that coercion because it would be plainly obvious to the DD what her mother really wanted and there is no way she would feel fully supported - she would feel like she was being hammered with the negatives and reminded of all the difficulties in the hope that she would 'do the right thing' and get rid of the baby that she wants. I can't imagine a more comprehensive way to let a child down than that.

Tbh I don't think she has a right to "feel fully supported." She's making a selfish and ill-informed choice that is going to affect her family for decades to come. Pointing out the very real downsides to this choice does not equate to 'being hammered with negatives;' she needs to be made to realize that her decision is not just about her, and to make it in the broader context.

Reminding her that other people exist and that the impact on them needs to be part of her decision is hardly 'letting her down.' No one is entitled to unconditional validation of their every notion.

It would be letting her down to pretend that everything will be rainbows and roses when it's very likely that she is setting herself on the path to poverty, drudgery and limited opportunities in her one and only life here on planet Earth. * *

LucilleGrey · 27/10/2022 15:21

And what about the boyfriend?

I'd have been horrified if my son had become a father at 18.

The boy is usually not left holding the baby, but it's still their child for life.

If their relationship doesn't survive, which is more likely than not, he will be supporting the child for 18 years (if the OP's D is lucky!)

They both risk going into adulthood and new relationships with a child.

I'd be talking to the boy's parents, trying to get them to talk to the son and make him realise what he's done. And maybe he can talk to his girlfriend and they can agree together not to proceed with the pregnancy.

I think many lads of his age just take the line of least resistance- going along with what the girl wants - and not appreciating the huge responsibility of a child.

After being together for 9 months at their age, they don't even know if they are going to be together for life, never mind having a child.

It's madness.

His own family ought to be talking to him about terminations, not driving lessons FGS!

Wishiwasalittlebitsmaller · 27/10/2022 15:22

I had my daughter when I was 19 during my first year of university. It was a shock to my family but they were very supportive. I lived at home until she was 18 months. It wasn’t easy but it actually was a very special time. She was their first Grandchild and she brought the family together.

Going to appointments will be so helpful for her, looking back there were times I think my age meant I wasn’t treated perhaps as I should - though times hopefully have changed (this was 24 years ago).

Her excitement will grow as she comes to terms with the shock and I think sharing in that will be lovely. She will be judged by others so be prepared to help her with difficult (thoughtless) comments.

I know this won’t have been what you had hoped for her but in my experience being a young Mum was great fun and all the hurdles I had are long forgotten. I now have a brilliant relationship with my super 24yr old (who sometimes gets mistaken for my Sister 😁)

The best of luck x

JaNaJanice · 27/10/2022 15:22

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

RandomMusings7 · 27/10/2022 15:26

TheDailyCarbunkle · 27/10/2022 15:15

I don't see a baby as destroying someone's future. I think that's where we differ.

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They you might not be very ambitious...

TheDailyCarbunkle · 27/10/2022 15:27

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 27/10/2022 15:20

I would call that coercion because it would be plainly obvious to the DD what her mother really wanted and there is no way she would feel fully supported - she would feel like she was being hammered with the negatives and reminded of all the difficulties in the hope that she would 'do the right thing' and get rid of the baby that she wants. I can't imagine a more comprehensive way to let a child down than that.

Tbh I don't think she has a right to "feel fully supported." She's making a selfish and ill-informed choice that is going to affect her family for decades to come. Pointing out the very real downsides to this choice does not equate to 'being hammered with negatives;' she needs to be made to realize that her decision is not just about her, and to make it in the broader context.

Reminding her that other people exist and that the impact on them needs to be part of her decision is hardly 'letting her down.' No one is entitled to unconditional validation of their every notion.

It would be letting her down to pretend that everything will be rainbows and roses when it's very likely that she is setting herself on the path to poverty, drudgery and limited opportunities in her one and only life here on planet Earth. * *

I think the difference here is attitudes to the pregnancy itself and abortion. I don't see the baby as a 'notion,' I see it as a living child/grandchild. Abortion to me isn't just a way to get rid of a 'selfish' choice, it's a major decision that can't be undone, that takes away that woman's child. I am pro-choice but this to me does not seem like choice, it seems like the girl would be made to feel terrible about wanting her baby such that she feels abortion is the only 'right' choice.

TheDailyCarbunkle · 27/10/2022 15:28

RandomMusings7 · 27/10/2022 15:26

They you might not be very ambitious...

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That's an interesting comment. Do you feel someone who has a baby young can't be ambitious? Or that one should prioritise ambition over a wanted baby? Those are genuine questions btw.

RandomMusings7 · 27/10/2022 15:32

TheDailyCarbunkle · 27/10/2022 15:28

That's an interesting comment. Do you feel someone who has a baby young can't be ambitious? Or that one should prioritise ambition over a wanted baby? Those are genuine questions btw.

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This is not a wanted child. She was on the pill. So the second question doesn't apply.

And yes, I think choosing to have babies as a teen means you don't prioritise making something of yourself. Or are very naive.

TheDailyCarbunkle · 27/10/2022 15:42

RandomMusings7 · 27/10/2022 15:32

This is not a wanted child. She was on the pill. So the second question doesn't apply.

And yes, I think choosing to have babies as a teen means you don't prioritise making something of yourself. Or are very naive.

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It wasn't planned but she does want it.

I'm not naive - I just don't think it's impossible to have a baby and have a life, especially with good support.

Realityloom · 27/10/2022 15:45

Marmee53 · 26/10/2022 23:05

She'll only be living with you initially?

What is it with this country and their obsession to kick their kids out as soon as they hit 18?

No wonder so many young adults fall at the first hurdle.

I'm 26 and have had my 2nd baby. I own a house, have a stable job and an amazing partner, yet I've stayed with my mum for the last month to help with the baby.

Can you imagine how hard it'll be for an 18 year old? She'll need you for much longer than just the first trimester. Forget financially, but emotionally too.

You don't even know OP. Perhaps her house is too small to house another young newborn and all the other bits. I doubt it was OPS plan to kick her DD out but things have changed.

LucilleGrey · 27/10/2022 16:00

I think the OP needs to take a step back and think a little.

OP what would your advice be to a woman of your age, a friend, with this going on?

You say that you will struggle financially.

How?

Do you mean by buying baby stuff?

Where will the baby sleep? In your ds room? Will its waking at night disturb your DD2 and her studies?

And when the baby needs a bed, not a cot, what then? In DDs room still?

How will she continue her studies?
Will she?

what about her health issues? Are they sorted now?

Can she resit her year missed at school?

How will she access childcare if she goes back to school, work or college?

who will pay for that?

Are they able to rent a flat on her boyfriend's income?

what are their plans as a couple?

They can't even drive yet, so how will they see each other when the baby arrives? Bus? Taxi? Parents doing the taxiing?

Has any of this been discussed?

You have been very vague about how this will play out.

Maybe you as well as your DD need to have a good old think about what will happen in reality.

LucilleGrey · 27/10/2022 16:03

@Wishiwasalittlebitsmaller I am pleased it all worked out for you but it was a different situation.

You were already at uni - a couple of steps ahead of the DD here.

You say your child brought the family together.

Is that an odd thing to say?

I don't think a baby to a single 19 yr old is there to bring a family together!

I wonder if the father of your child was / is around?

How did that play out?

maddy68 · 27/10/2022 16:07

My daughter was on the pill and got pregnant. She decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy.

Be supportive of any decision she makes. And let her know that you are supportive whether she keeps it or not

RampantIvy · 27/10/2022 16:21

Be supportive of any decision she makes. And let her know that you are supportive whether she keeps it or not

There are some bonkers and unpleasant posts on this thread. However this ^^ advice from @maddy68 is the most sensible.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/10/2022 17:14

MsGus · 27/10/2022 14:59

Infertility might be one thing but the other is the mental anguish and regret.

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@MsGus

anguish and regret about what?

Wishiwasalittlebitsmaller · 27/10/2022 17:17

@LucilleGrey I was offering a positive/hopeful experience and perspective given it sounds like OP’s daughter wishes to continue with the pregnancy. I appreciate I was very slightly ahead but only just. I managed to complete my degree and have a successful career. Without early support from my family I am certain that would not be the case.

My child was not created to bring my family together, it was a very happy unexpected result of an initially scary situation. I am one of three children and we all pulled together in the early days to bring her up. We spent more time together as a family taking her on days out, my older sister was my birth partner etc.

Her father was on the scene, we stayed together until she was 4 and he had always played an active part in her life.

The above post is absolutely right - she needs to feel supported whatever decision she comes to. Being a young parent absolutely is not a walk in the park, it was very hard work. But in MY experience it was, on balance, I am glad I made that decision.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/10/2022 17:17

TheDailyCarbunkle · 27/10/2022 15:11

My own parents were pretty shit parents but I would never imagine them being so cold and harsh as some people on here. It makes me wonder how they were treated themselves.

All the talk about the outcomes of teen pregnancies being poorer is pure nonsense - outcomes tend to be poorer not because of the age of the parents but due to the socioeconomic situation they're in. Surely that's obvious?

@TheDailyCarbunkle

its not obvious no