18 Year Old DD1 Pregnant

[VerbenaGirl]

She told me yesterday and I was quite calm (I had a feeling it was coming, as she was struggling with food in exactly the same way i did in early pregnancy). She has some health issues that will impact on her life and we were just getting on top of those. Today we did some practical things - which I think helped both of us feel more in control of the situation. Got scan appointment through for next week - which will provide clarity on dates. This evening I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. Realistically she and the baby will be living here, at least initially, and money will be tight. I need to get my head round how DH and I cope with this along with the other challenges life is throwing at us currently, how we best support DD1 and her boyfriend and how we make sure DD2 isn't adversely affected as she takes her A levels and beyond. Head is spinning and I'm starting to panic. Talk to me, please.

outcomes tend to be poorer not because of the age of the parents but due to the socioeconomic situation they're in. Surely that's obvious?

@LuckySantangelo35

But the two often co-exist surely?

And you can' t think that most 18 year olds have the emotional maturity to parent in the same way as parents in their late 20s or 30s?

Unless you mean 18 year old parents who are living with incredibly wealthy parents, in a large house, where perhaps they pay for nannies, or the grandmother gives up her career to care for the child (as it always falls on the grandmother not the grandfather.)

In this case, the socio economic status is pretty dire.
Neither the DD nor the boy can support themselves.
They don't (even) drive yet.
They have not completed their education or training.
The OP herself says they will find it hard, financially.

Sorry- my post was for @TheDailyCarbunkle (the quotes of quotes got mixed up)

outcomes tend to be poorer not because of the age of the parents but due to the socioeconomic situation they're in. Surely that's obvious?

@LuckySantangelo35, take 2 girls from exactly the same socioeconomic situation and give one a baby at 16 while the other is free to pursue higher education unburdened. Tell me which one, on average, is likelier to achieve financial stability and a successful career by 25...

@Wishiwasalittlebitsmaller I'm always interested in how much parenting the grandparents do in instances like yours.

How did it work- in practical terms?

I assume you were living at home and going to a local uni?

Did your baby go to a uni creche/ nursery? or did you mum or your dad do the day care? How did you go to lectures with a baby?

You see, when posters like you post positive accounts, I struggle to know how it worked!

When my DD was 18 I was in my early 50s and training for a 2nd career, having been a teacher for decades.

I would have not been happy to be a full or even part time 'granny' for an unwanted and unplanned baby.

My DCs (boy and girl) were told from a very young age that an unplanned child was not going to go down well, and I assume they took great care to prevent that happening.

Tbf I have a couple of friends in their 30s who have had their first baby and went back to work after maternity leave. One relies solely on grandparents for childcare in order to work, the other relies on nursery for 2 days a week and grandparents for the other 3. They’ve both said nursery fees full-time would make working pointless but they need an additional income. So grandparent support can be a massive factor in many situations.

@MondaySunday what would they have done if their parents hadn’t been able to help with childcare?

Undoubtedly a baby is going to make things more difficult BUT the grim statistics about outcomes for teenage parents and their kids are heavily influenced by the fact teenage pregnancy is far more common amongst those of low socioeconomic standing who are likely to already be in poverty, have unstable backgrounds and poor support systems.

Things were definitely more difficult for me becoming a parent at 19 and perhaps I could have achieved more career-wise (or at least achieved what I have achieved at a quicker pace)... but I don’t think me or my child were ever ‘statistically very likely to have a poor outcome’ because of my background. Like I said if you removed the very small pool of teenage/young pregnancies amongst more middle-class women I highly doubt the statistics would look the same. That still doesn’t mean they haven’t made things harder for themselves though.

I ask the same question @MondaySunday

My friends are just becoming grandparents now in their 60s, most having just retired (DCs in their 30s too) and they have made it very clear they are not going to be childminders. They want to enjoy their 60s while they are healthy, and not be tied to childminding, having had a good 20 years of it as parents.
They will do the occasional babysitting now and then, but not set days of the week, every week.

It's their time now to enjoy life.

Either stay at home and lose their income/sacrifice career progression or put their child in nursery full-time and work for nothing despite being away from their baby five days per week- either way suffer financially. I believe they both knew prior to planning their babies that grandparent childcare was going to be an option for them. I just meant even for a lot of older mothers they need to work and the choice is very much ‘grandparent help or nursery’ in the same way a younger mum needing to work or study would have.

@MondaySunday Most 'middle class women' do not get pregnant in their teens and they are not really women at that age.

Maybe you mean their family was middle class?

It still fell on the mum I expect ( the granny) to either shelve her own career (if she had one) or her social life, to be a childminder.

I used to teach in secondary schools. I had the odd few pupils who left due to being pregnant.

None was middle class.

Many were low achievers, looking for love, seeing a baby as someone to love them back, wanting to leave home (council houses available then) and find a man to support them asap.

@JaNaJanice I actually work in research so i read a lot of reports a lot of the time, it's also why I tend to leave links to reports or state the source so you can look for yourself

To answer your question no I can't locate a UK study 'to demonstrate significant difference in attitude towards abortion vs contraception?'

There are studies that do exist though, but mainly in countries where contraception &/or abortion are difficult to get so you can't really compare as fortunately in the UK we have free access to good quality contraception and safe abortion services.

I only googled for 5 minutes though. Feel free to share the links and data that you have found on this subject matter

@MondaySunday You do appreciate that not ALL women in their 50s and 60s want to be tied to being a childminder?

Some may relish it, but none that I know.

Most had professional careers themselves and in their 50s and 60s they were either working or retired. It wasn't the plan to go back to looking after a baby!

@LucilleGrey Yes that’s my point, teens from a middle-class background are less likely to become pregnant. The statistics about poor outcome are heavily influenced by the socioeconomic backgrounds of those who are likely to become pregnant young.

So I don’t feel like I have ‘defied the odds’ to have done well in life and have had a good outcome despite being a mum at 19. I’m from a middle-class ish stable background so I don’t think it was ever a case that I was ‘highly likely to have a poor outcome’ just because I was young mother.

At the young mums group I went to there was that definite difference there. 2 girls were from not great quite unstable backgrounds, the babies were planned, they didn’t really have a great lift prior to pregnancy and didn’t really have much ambition beyond having babies. A decade on and they both have young babies again now, plus other kids in between. The other girls more similar to me have all done pretty well.

I think that’s key - their parents knew about the childcare plans and were happy to help. That’s very different to an 18 year landing a pregnancy on her parents (who will very likely to working themselves).

If you have children later on then possible grandparents have more time to help with childcare (if they want). But if your teenage child has a baby then more likely GPs are still working. What are they meant to do, give up work to look after teenager’s baby

I have an 18 year old DD. I also have a 2 year old so maybe I'm jaded on this but honestly, it wouldn't massively upset my life nor would it send me spiralling. It doesn't thrill me to think I'd have to look after, or support her in looking after a baby as I have a busy life but would I do it without complaining? You bet your ass I would. I'd never persuade her into a decision that she might regret. If me supporting her meant I could support her into achieving a fulfilling life (note, I didn't say career, because - unpopular mumsnet opinion - not everyone wants a "career") then so be it. I'm here for the long haul with my kids.

@CornishGem1975 well it wouldn't be such a shock to the system since you're still in the thick of it with your youngest. But just imagine that 26 years from now it's your youngest who makes you grandma and instead of having the last one fly the nest and regrain some freedom and peace now you're starting all over again parenting a grandchild you had no say in bringing out into the world.

I bet your perspective would be muuuch different

16 years from now* not 26

@MondaySunday so the ones who have had other children haven’t done pretty well by your standard? Are they happy? If that’s what they wanted, and they’ve achieved that, then they’ve done pretty well, yes?

I'm here for the long haul with my kids

Most of us are - just because we are working (in careers that put food on their table and a roof over our heads) doesn’t mean we wouldn’t support our kids, but supporting doesn’t have to mean giving up our lives or livelihoods to look after a teenager’s baby.

I think you sound like you've handled it brilliantly OP. I was pregnant at 17 and my mum handled it similarly.

I lived with my mum and 16 year old brother for a year or so. Moved out and then back in until my DS was about 3. Then I moved out, went back to college and then on to university. It is not easy and she will rely on you a lot but it is all do-able and this isn't the end of her life.

I managed to qualify as a solicitor - it took a while as I was trying to juggle single parenthood with studying - but I managed it.

Keep doing what you're doing. I thought a PP idea of a round table meeting with the bf's family is a good one.

Oh, my mum worked full time and didn't have to look after my DS all the time - that seems to be something that is coming up on this thread a lot.

@SirChenjins yeah that’s true, i just meant when people say ‘So how does a young mum study or work? Grandparents or nursery/crèche are going to be doing the childcare!’ that’s something that applies to literally any mother who doesn’t want to be a SAHM for 12+ years. Nursery or grandparents do childcare. It’s normal and not exclusive to young parents by any stretch.

@NCFT0922 Maybe poorly worded on my part! I guess they may be happy but they’ve stayed trapped in that cycle of low income, unemployment, relationships don’t last. It’s all quite similar to how they’ve grown up and I think most people would agree it’s less than ideal. For me a ‘perk’ to having a child that young was to be totally done with the baby/toddler/nappies stage by 24 and now nearly a decade later my child growing older and more independent and us having so much more freedom as a family... I can’t imagine going through it all AGAIN at this point 10 years on.

So how did you do it?

A lot of these posts from teenage mums are short on detail.

You moved in and out of your parent's home- was your dad there?

How did you and your baby impact on your younger brother?

I lived with my mum and 16 year old brother for a year or so. Moved out and then back in until my DS was about 3. Then I moved out, went back to college and then on to university.

Moved out to where? How did you pay for wherever it was?
Who looked after your baby?

Had you already done your A levels?

Moved out, went back to college

Again- moved out to where, how did you fund it, who looked after your child?

Onto university

As above!

Creches? Nursery?

Childcare while you were working? Could you pay as a single parent, nursery fees when you were training on the job as a solictitor?

This post is ridiculous. 18 is a TEEN mum though no matter how you dress it up. I wouldn't of wanted to be at college and juggling my part time job and a baby also. Not a bloody chance.... I say that as someone having my Son at 23 too. There's no way my mum could of helped me that much she had me at 17 herself and she had my 2 younger sisters to raise.

If you have young parents chances are they will still be working and probably didn't finish their own studies.

Things like nights outs and girls holidays are important in your early 20s. Being financially stable is a lot less likely when your young. It's possible IF you are lucky enough to have supportive and encouraging family members though.