Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them

DD did them already in January. Did not one bit of proper revision. Is now upset to have got 2 in everything.

Apparently, school have said almost the entire year group flunked them, again (they did practice mocks in July).

Thank you. I’m so glad you and your daughter resolved this. I thought the toddler years were tough but the teenage ones are even harder. Just going to keep everything calm here until her exams are over ( although I’m having secret cries in the bath -as I feel so awful about it all) luckily my husband is the neutral person and holding the fort at the moment x

You know when you think things can't get any worse? And then they do? Yep

So, after the frankly rude knobend from Sixth Form pissed off home instead of doing the interview I had managed to get my teen confident enough to go to alone, he clearly got a rocket up his arse from the frankly lovely headteacher (henceforth LHT).

He saw DD this morning for about 5 minutes. Didn't ask her what her plans are careers wise. Then told her you can't do the subjects you want because of their predicted maths grade. So she can't do drama or English. Because of maths. Yet business is fine? Government guidelines apparently. If she doesn't get 4 and she's not predicted to (and LHT already said she can do and should do resits because Covid fucked her maths progression) she can't do those. He then suggested travel and tourism (when she has never been interested, has no link to chosen career, doesn't even do GCSE geography) and information technology (again, no relation to chosen career, not doing it for GCSE, failed it prior to GCSE). Pick those or fuck off basically.

I'm so fucking cross (can you tell? From the swears? Probably, apologies but I'm trying to be calm about it when teen gets home).

Now have teen on phone, wants to leave school, not going in tomorrow, hate it here, they all hate me, that's why he fucked off home Friday. He was being polite by going home apparently.

Wanker

Have spoken to LHT on email who is shocked and will be trying to find out what the fuck is going on. Teen now feels thick and hopeless.

He's lucky you can't just wander into schools anymore or he'd be finding out how pissed off I am verbally.

That's awful @ReformedWaywardTeen

Like careers advice from 1980
Ridiculous. I'd be fuming

Is there a college your dd can go to instead ?

Thank you for this thread!! I literally just signed up to mums net this afternoon, because I'm at a loss over what to do to help my 16 yr DD. She goes AWOL every day and her college attendance is 50%. I am trying to impose a curfew Monday to Wednesday but she's ignoring it. I got very frustrated and shouted at her today and now I feel consumed with guilt 😭

Sadly not, they don't offer any courses that go with what she wants to do, and even before we knew that, she went to look at it, had a huge panic attack, and then had to go home.

We were going on "well we know the school we are at now so hey ho" option. All others have closed applications and the one nearest is a Shithole where lots of kids leave and move to our 6th (rampant homophobia doesn't help, which would cancel DD out).

I've spoken to their drama teacher who said they need a 5 or higher to do A'Level drama, so the other twit can piss off.

DD has calmed down now and I've said let this be the final push to show the twit she can do it and get in to do what she wants to do.

But yes, so very 80s! I get it with expected grades and they want 5 5 or more stuff but as I said to twit, she's been there since year 7 so surely if she's such a bloody disappointment grades wise that's their bloody fault for being crap at teaching her since she passed her SATs before going to secondary. He has now said we needed a meeting. I had to ban DH who is unspeakably cross.

I just went in to DD's room (to change her bed). I looked in her bedside drawer - which I'm not proud of but tbh I wanted to check for vapes which are rife at school.

I found a used sanitary towel. She hasn't told me she'd started her periods.

I know if you go looking you don't tend to find anything good but I'm feeling really sad she hasn't wanted to tell me.

@Suffolkcatlady the guilt we feel as mum at the best of times is bad enough never mind when we really mess up!! I also did something similar with a text ... just a vent to say how I was struggling with DD, it was just after we'd had a bit of a fallout anyway - thankfully although she was mad and I apologized - it seemed to improve things for a short while after!!😀
@beachruns My dd works in a shop (a chain) at weekends - but she is near quitting at the moment as she had a run in with boss - she was advised to not talk inappropriately with other staff .(ASD) but no excuse, she is polite and works hard but gets carried away at times. Anyway she took this badly - told her boss was being mean and was in a huff with her!!!😩 😳like she would be with me!! So embarrassed! I told her she cant quit whenever she falls out with someone! I'm hoping things will smooth over... Having a job has helped in keeping her busy, less time to mope, and boosted her confidence.

If yours have work what do they use their money for (apart from vapes LOL!) ?

Thanks Duvet. She has cut me off at the moment. She has her mocks at the moment and super stressed so I’m just giving her space and my husband is keeping the status quo. I want to try and chat with her on Friday evening so I can apologise again and we can try and move forward. She wont communicate at the moment so it’s impossible. I’m feeling very low and guilty and just horrible that I hurt someone I love and hope with time she will forgive or we can have an amicable relationship again :(

@AlwaysSomethingWithTeens Exactly the same happened with my daughter and I too am still upset that she didn't talk to me, tell me even look for products. She still hasn't 6 months later so i just put pads in her room when she isn't there. Even writing this makes me sad but she doesn't want to talk about it so I can't force the issue. 😟

Did you ever talk to her about it @loveheartdress ? It's only about a week since I did - she's been getting headaches & nausea and I noticed from logging her sick days with school they were happening once a month. I said might be imminent- please tell me when it happens. She just shut it down.

@AlwaysSomethingWithTeens I suspected she had gotten her period but she denied it but eventually I went looking and found evidence but she totally shut me down. I asked her why she didn't tell me but she shrugged it off and said that was the first one. It definitely was not. I think it was a few months in. She will not discuss it at all either then or now. She has an older sister but didn't talk to her either. I can see mood changes during the month but will never let on that she has a pain / isn't feeling well. It is upsetting.

Kids. They sure can make you feel crap.

😬

Oh I feel so much better hearing the period stuff. Thank you for sharing. DD said (texted!) in the middle of our camping holiday last year that she’d got her first period. No chance of talking about it with her. I’d packed some period pants anyway and bought some pads in the supermarket. For some reason, I didn’t really believe her and still don’t. But I’ve been feeling terrible that she won’t talk to me about it. Sounds like it’s not entirely unique!
I’ve regularly asked her if she needs any products. She says no. She’s 13 and little. I didn’t start mine until 14 and a half.
I really have been feeling awful. I never talked to my mum (or anyone!) about periods and wanted it to be different for her.

My eldest told me at the time (I think she was excited!) and asks for paracetamol, tampons etc. so I feel I was robbed of the mother / daughter bonding with my youngest. I admire somewhat though that she went and bought pads etc and figured it all out herself. But keeping so quiet about it for months did shock me

@loveheartdress I am sorry she didn't say anything about her first period but I don't think it has anything to do with the bond mother- daughter.
Maybe it's more about coping with knowing that change already happened she hasn't accept it yet. I still remember wanting to hide it from my mother. I was absolutely disgusted with my first period and cried and wanted to deny it happened. It took me a while to accept my body was changing. Could it be the same for your DDs I wonder?

PS: my own DD13 did not have it yet and she is nearly 14.

@girlswillbegirls I think you are right. I just take the lead from her now so she knows I'm there but she just gets on with managing it herself.

I'm SO pleased I'm on here. I haven't spoken to anyone IRL about it but feel a lot better because of what you've all said. @girlswillbegirls I think that's probably what it is. She needs to get her head around it first. Will wait for her to be ready to talk about it.

Sorry to replay late about the job…

kids would hopefully use it for extras not vapes (!). DD would go for more clothes and make up. Stuff we don’t but her. DS would also go for clothes (and prime!!)

Strike day here - his school was shut, DDs was not so we went to the coast and messed around on the amusement arcades. It was the best day so I’m feeling quite calm right now.

Yuck, not the best day here at all. DS at home, we argued all day. He just wanted to game. I wanted him to complete home work and do something physical as well. He has given up everything he used to do - apparently I am wrong to be disappointed with this and if I keep trying “to live my life through him” and “push him to do things he doesn’t want” we will not have a relationship when he is an adult. Sigh. I am disappointed though. How do you get over the disappointment? DH is also in a foul mood tonight, which is singularly unlike him, and said he is fed up with parenting. I have been out all evening and I think he is just done.

Yes @Libre2

Can relate

Parenting a teen can be 90% slog and 10% reward. And that's if your lucky.

At least toddlers are cute and generally like cuddles.

Not been around for a while but still here and teen angst is still going strong

Having a shitty week - job looking unstable and helping a dear friend through some pretty awful stuff and as part of my ' be more open about your feelings' mantra I told dc how I'm feeling and asked for kindness/sensitivity and I might as well not have bothered. Not so much as a hug from any of them and 10 minutes later 16 year old DS having a massive go at me for some minor misdemeanour

Im finding this selfishness and lack of empathy is really tough right now with everything else I have going on. I'm hoping it's just a teenage boy phase but can't help wondering if he is just uncaring as a result of my shit parenting and that's him now.

Any ideas for cultivating a more caring and compassionate person as he's particularly horrible to me but actually talks about everyone (and probably more women if I'm honest) in such a negative way and really quite derogatory terms - this might be anyone in authority, neuro diverse, law abiding citizens, hard workers, anyone who dares to look/dress differently, vocal or dominant women - all come under attack: melts, wankers, Karen's, knobs, etc Horrible to hear and every time I call him out on it (which of course becomes an argument that is all my fault) but it's just relentless.

He's just not a nice person at the moment and won't be told that the things he's saying are inappropriate and down right offensive.

Any pearls of wisdom fellow teen angst mums?

@lechatnoir - no pearls of wisdom at all - just massive sympathy. I am fortunate that our two are relatively compassionate to other people and mostly to each other - that does not extend to their parents obviously. However, if DS (14) is cross with authority figures (teachers, other people’s parents etc) the language is appalling and I hate it. Very anti-women. I do of course challenge him on it, but as you say, it turns into a massive argument.

Hi everyone!
It's Friday, yey :-)

@lechatnoir and @Libre2 I am wondering if your DS are listening to Andrew Tate. I heard from other parents how that horrible individual is very popular among young men. It's very alarming. Maybe would be worth asking them?

I sometimes wonder there is a cultural thing with boys and the way they are raised. I do think we are more physical affectionate in the South of Europe. My son gives hughs, shows his emotions etc- I never stopped doing that and never will. But this is something normal in my country.

In my case is my DD the most difficult. I tried to minimise screaming matches, as they lead nowhere. She has a reluctancy to go to bed at night at a reasonable time (I have to tell her a million times its time to go to bed without losing it)...and then wonders why she is so tired.

So if you're following what's going on with my DD and sixth form/exam anxiety/useless guy who interviewed and didn't turn up.

She went to see him Monday morning. She had to wait 20 minutes whilst he interviewed someone else. He then saw her for 5 minutes and said do these two courses or nothing as you aren't predicted to get 4 in maths.

So I went to see her head of year who is lovely. I want to say that bar this guy and a science teacher the staff here are excellent, I can't fault them.

She explained it's actually a government requirement now that you may not do level 3 vocational or A'Level until you pass a grade 4 or above in maths and English. Now that makes sense since I failed maths totally in the nineties and I still get stuck on basic maths skills now.

She said worse way, if she doesn't get 4 (predicted 3- currently) she can do level 2 vocation courses as a place marker whilst resitting maths. But she has to get the 4 in either January 2024 or July 2024 or she can't progress.

If she did get 4 now, or even in 2024 she can then do the A'levels she wants and will finish school at 19.

I've said now that she needs to work her arse off, no more refusing to go to after-school maths club, no more refusing to revise at weekends. If she truly wants to do 12 and 13 and finish at 18 she needs to put the effort in. But if she does have to resit, the level 2 vocation courses are fine because it gives an option of a different career if she got bored of her current top choice for career.

We saw him again today and I came with her. She was really nervous and shaking so I led the discussion and I did say that he hadn't helped by not turning up to the first meeting and then getting her other one done in 5 minutes. I said the only reason she was now agreeing to the conditional offer was down to her head of year, not him. He took it on the chin and apologised so that's something and even said it was admirable what she wants to do as a career.

Head of year has also sorted out English and maths intervention one on one one morning each week for both to do intensive catch up. Her maths teacher said she felt bad for predicting 3- but she had to be reasonable and hoped it would get DD to revise more at home. She said if she does and practices past papers, she could get the 4.

So hopefully now she knows what she has to do. I've said this is it now it's up to her as we can't sit her exams for her.

She's not happy but it is what it is and apparently a few kids who school wants to keep on have been given this place marker option of level 2, and resits to keep them on board.