Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them

@PPointlessPoster
Sorry to hear and big hugs to you.
Sometimes rock bottom is inevitable and maybe not a bad thing for her.
Hope you have some support this evening.
Do you know where she could go at times like this?

@Aleaiactaest @ReformedWaywardTeen - Covid has had such an impact. At the time we thought we were lucky because neither DD was in a critical year. But the long term impacts are so insidious, especially for younger DD.

Pre-pandemic she was enthusiastic and put effort in at school. Now she just doesn't try. Much as I hated yr6 SATS when older DD did them, at least it got them into the habit of learning and revising.

We heard today younger DD has been moved down from top set in a second subject. She's year 8 so there is plenty of time I suppose (and that is always her argument). But when will she start bothering? How easy will it be to stop being a kid who messes about?

I'm grateful she's not refusing to go to school, that must be so hard. I'm just at a loss as to how to get through to her.

I know she is at my sisters tonight so is safe. It really is rock bottom though, and feels as if she is burning her bridges with the whole family one at a time. My DH is great support bless him, but we feel on high alert now in case she does something stupid which she has a track record for.

Big hugs all round.

my 13yo son has got caught in the Prime drink nonsense and was telling me he was with some friends picking on a younger boy - basically playing keep away with his bottle.

the ringleader is actually being bullied so maybe his way of trying to be in control.

anyway we discussed tactics about how not to be involved and to stand up for the underdog etc but shit it’s hard.

@PointlessPoster
I really hope the morning brings some solutions or ways forward for you and your family.

I wanted to post on a lighter note. Does anyone have any plans for the weekend, particularly for encouraging a teen out of a slump? Or to at least spend some positive time together. I know it doesn’t last, but feel I want to do something nice. However, DH is at work, we have DS too ans no car available. Small town that DD mostly avoids for fear of seeing people from her old school. I’ll think of something.

DD has dragged herself to school every day this week and been fairly uncommunicative but okay in the evenings. Our evenings are so short. Home 5.30, dinner about 7.30, tv together usually and bed 9.30. Homework or just chilling out before dinner. Everyone exhausted and peopled out.

Well, DD has their 6th form interview today. I've tried to coach them, and reassure as it's at their current school. They don't know the teacher who is head of sixth though so he's an unknown and it's causing stress

They had originally said they wanted me there but have currently changed their mind. I'm half expecting a panicked text that they've changed their mind!

Ive said all they need to do is speak up for themselves on why they want to sit the subjects, and their chosen career. They want you to be mature and show willing to be focused.

They're petrified because they had an assembly about sixth form and attendance was spoken about as a reason you may be turned down, but I've said if that's brought up, they've had poor health and they can't discriminate over that.
They're also worried if they suggest changing a subject pick but I said best thing to do is say they would like time to consider the suggestion over the weekend. The good thing is none of those subject teachers have tried to gently push her away from the subjects so I can't see it.

I think it reassured her that the head of year said the mocks weren't great for anyone, she's not alone in doing a bit poorly. So the school are now addressing what needs to be.

I think I'm more nervous about their interview than I was about mine in the 90s!

@ReformedWaywardTeen how did the interview go?

@PointlessPoster
How are things with DD?

Hi, I was hoping to see a thread like this 😊 I just need to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel really, DD has been grinding me down this last week, it's like war!!! And I just miss her loads, I know intellectually that she will get through this time, but man I'm bloody exhausted 😂

I was about to post on here, couldn't last night as I had a cracking migraine.

So, they went to the interview, in plenty of time as it was 10 minutes after the bell rang, they waited in the reception area of school as they were told to. I text them just before, saying good luck, stay calm, speak up. They text me that they were nervous, but we're waiting and had planned to explain their plans for post 18.

They saw the guy who was due to interview, our school has a few teachers who stand just by the doors and buses to make sure everyone leaves calmly and gets the right bus etc and sorts out any parents parking in the way. So DD said he will probably do that and then they can go in to do the interview.

He walked back in, walked straight past her and off he went. I said give it 5 minutes, then I'm sure he'll call you in.

The appointment time was 3.10. By 3.25 DD was in bits on the phone, saying she didn't know what was going on, the school was empty, only the office lady was still there. So I called the office, she said she would ring him and tell DD what was going on.

I kept DD calm on text as best I could, but then she was told he had left for the day!

Apparently, he had a prior appointment so would see her sometime on Monday instead.

To say I was livid. He knew how anxious she was as I told him as did her head of year. DD was so upset and convinced it's the school telling her they don't want her post GCSE.

I emailed the headteacher, as I couldn't fathom how he's done these interviews all week, gets to hers and disappears, even walking past her without a word. I said I understand things happen,but he could have emailed me or got a message to her.

Head is unimpressed, told me to let DD know it's not acceptable, and it's not a reflection on whether they want them to stay for A'levels. She will ask the second lead for sixth form to interview her instead.

It's just inexcusable to do that to a pupil. I had spent ages calming them and keeping them positive. I can't even tell you how cross their dad was, he wanted to email the guy himself!

I'm going to spend the weekend calming them again, back to square one.

However, in better news, head of year has instigated a points system where if they attend after school catch up sessions, they get a ticket. Different amounts of tickets will lead to different rewards (kind of like a Costa rewards I guess). They're all a surprise though. The English department has also set up Tuesday cinema club, with snacks, where they will show films of the current lit texts. I think that's an excellent idea.

But yes, I would happily like to shout at the guy who pissed off instead of doing the interview.

@antsypants bloody exhausted here too, DD who has ADHD/ASd came home from work yesterday saying the boss had a word with her about talking inappropriately but that she is good at her job. She gets carried away, it's happened before in different ways, in college and on text with quite a few friends.... However when she gets challenged on it, she ends the friendship or they end it with her, and so of course she wants to quit her job. I know the boss has been good with her, looks out for her, she will find it a lot harder working elsewhere. I'm feeling frustrated because she needs to understand that she cant go through life like this! Her pride stands in her way a lot & it's how to deal with that. 9 times out of 10 she enjoys her job, she's grown in confidence & I know she'll be back to moping if she quits!!! argh!

@duvet It's exhausting trying to explain that someone challenging your behaviour (teacher/boss) isn't a reason to just stop trying and take it personally!

I'm starting to think we should be allowed to trade them in for 5years respite 🫣 I've just finished arguing with DD as I discovered she had gone with her friend to meet some boy to get vapes for their friend group... she smuggled them in a teddy into her room and had the audacity to ask for the ones she got for her friends back .

I genuinely don't know what to do to get through to her

Eugh, a hard week for a fair few of us then 😬

Thanks! Needed to hear that today. I need a hug but probably don’t deserve it
In my case it’s not the teenagers fault but my fault . I screwed up with something recently ( I accidentally sent a text to my daughter instead of my husband mentioning something about weight gain and junk food with my daughter and used the fat word 😢) am now getting the silent treatment and not allowed to even make amends, talk about it or apologise as my daughter hates me at the moment. She’s had nothing but love throughout her life and we’ve had a good relationship and she’s never heard anything bad from us - literally unwavering love and support. I was getting concerned as she does no exercise at all - not even walks- and was just eating non stop junk and I could see the visible weight gain. It’s something that should have been approached gently and sensitively but I got angry in the moment with my husband who was buying all the junk food ( bags and bags of sweets, biscuits, crisps which would vanish in a day) - also he’s just had a diagnosis of Barrets disease last week so isn’t meant to be eating it either. His diet is appalling. We’d agreed between us he would stop buying so much junk food as he is getting ill and she was gaining weight - but then he decided to go and get some. It’s like an addiction with him. So I didn’t want to talk about it in person as she hears everything so I sent him an angry text asking him not to buy it but accidentally sent it to her. I’m devastated and take full responsibility for my error and completely accept I was in the wrong and will never have any opinions ever again. Its completely devastated me. I’m just giving her space right now and hope with time we will have a relationship again. It’s been a week now.
How not to parent 101. I screwed up and feel I have destroyed our family at the moment. I’m in the height of menopause too so my emotions are all over the place and I’m in tears every day about the damage I’ve done :(
I’ve apologised in person ( told to leave her alone) , wrote a card (unopened) , texted and emailed ( blocked) and she said she will never talk to me again and to leave her alone. She’s such a wonderful daughter and I’m in pain that I have hurt those I live the most. I hope after all these years of love that that’s not it now 😢

Oh what a shame @Suffolkcatlady but easily done.

I was that teen and it would have hurt as you’re not wrong. Sounds like you have done everything to make amends though. She’s lucky you care so much.

What jobs do peoples young teenagers have and how did they get them?

I’m encouraging my 15yo to approach and ask/email cafes and restaurants but she is not really that motivated! She wants the money but not the actual graft.

She also wants to work with people she knows/friends and gets annoyed that’s not really what any employer wants 🙄

DD only has two mates in their group who do work at the moment, one does a Saturday job in a local pub, clearing glasses and wiping tables (can't obviously serve booze due to age). The other does babysitting.

DD does volunteering as it will be handy for their chosen career. However, we are hoping to move to a live in business soon and I've told both the DCs they will be helping out on weekends/holidays.

DD doesn't tend to ask for money for things, they happily peruse charity stores and Vinted for clothes as they are quite alternative so not readily available in the High Street.

Thank you
I just hope I haven’t done permanent damage. Will just give her space and keep calm and carry on ( even though I’m devastated)
I would have been the same too. When I was that age, whatever my mum did annoyed me. And this would have been major

Sounds really tough Suffolk. I hope you can somehow talk it out. Would a one off appointment with a counsellor together help? Depends if she’d co operate but perhaps a neutral person to help facilitate repairing the relationship would be useful. Probably a stupid idea, I don’t know.

How do those of you with school avoiders/ haters/ refusers deal with them on a Sunday?! DD has opportunities for a nice day, low key and suiting her needs - whatever she wants to do really. The only interaction so far today though has been her saying ‘I wish I didn’t have school tomorrow’. Nothing I say helps and it’s almost as if she wants to be miserable about it. I can mostly step back from it a bit and try not to let her mood drag mine down, but it’s hard and then feels like I’m not supporting her.

I understand the feeling that they want to be miserable. I feel like my dd thrives off it. If that makes sense.
Another school hater here. Dd is currently doing half days but even that doesn't work sometimes.

I'm here freaking out about DS who point blank refuses to revise for this week's mocks. I've locked the games and silly apps on his phone this afternoon in the hope he'll get bored and do some revision but it's not working. Sigh.

@Suffolkcatlady

That sounds awful

I hope she will mellow soon

My dd is pissed with me too and it's hard when your doing your best but we all make mistakes. Parenting is a hard job.

Thanks. Sure is tough. Hope your daughter comes around too. Mine has got her mocks over the next 2 weeks so just going to keep things steady here - and quietly get on with things. Keep any stress as low as possible. Then after the mocks we’ll try and sort it out. She’s still speaking with my husband so after the mocks we will try and sort it all out. It’s hard when we try our best but are only human and slip up from time to time. I’m really beating myself up about it too as it’s just awful to hurt those you love. Hope you can make some progress x

@Suffolkcatlady i really feel for you. I did something similar recently where I thought my daughter had gone downstairs after having a massive go at me about overly involving myself and said to what I thought was myself “well stop bawling your eyes out to me every time it happens” which was a vent and I hope she continues to come to me and always do. Like you, I obviously apologised profusely and said I hadn’t meant it and it was in anger etc. she wasn’t ready to hear it straight away but we eventually had a good conversation about forgiveness and saying things in anger and how i am quick to forgive her when she is angry even when I am hurt by her words and that she needs to sometimes show that forgiveness back and accept that we don’t always mean what we say in the heat of the moment. It’s hard because we want to be their cheerleaders but we do have feelings too!