Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them

Aw man

thanks for the update

you sound like an awesome momma in the midst of a shit show

why is it so hard?!

huggles

Just joining the thread, I've just put my first post up about my DD, I find Mumsnet quite scary as sometimes the responses I see people receive are quite brusque and sometimes downright rude and unhelpful, but I don't know where else to turn so I've put it out there into the joy that is Mumsnet to see if I get any advice.

Hope everyone has had a pleasant and peaceful weekend x

welcome @Itsadoglife
This is a particularly supportive thread so don’t worry about posting here. It’s different to many others. Unfortunately we’re all so busy and focused on what’s going on for our own teens that we don’t always have time to post replies. Well, that’s the case for me anyway. But I’m grateful to be able to post on here and get a sympathetic word from another mum. What’s going on for you?

This is a kind thread and does feel like a hug! I screwed up recently and received some kind words instead of vindication. Thankfully 2 weeks later all is well again with my daughter and I. I also just read a book on child estrangement as I was so worried my daughter would never speak to me again. This book and my agonising self reflection over the last two weeks has made me realise love and kindness really are the most important things in life. So sending that vibe out there to all of you who are doing your best x

Welcome and don't be afraid to just dump/off load on here it's a really kind group - no judgement about your parenting skills here. You might not get a reply to your post, but it doesn't mean and people aren't listening or feeling your pain.

I'm so mad with my DC and don't know what to do. Passed their driving test 4 weeks ago, has a black box. The insurance company sent an email today to say insurance has been cancelled due to dangerous driving. They are blaming speed limits, not their fault etc etc and I'm so cross and I hate it when they go out anyway driving cos I worry and it appears my worries are not for nothing. We've ended up having an argument because they won't listen and blames me for never sticking the speed limits! His dad is next to useless about anything to do with discipline so it's always me that's the bad guy! It's so frustrating and I don't know what to do.

@RebelDiamonds - that sounds really difficult! I wouldn’t get an alternative insurance but let him learn consequences for a while (not so long as to forget how to drive though). The silver lining is that he didn’t get in an accident and severely hurt or didn’t hurt anybody else. Hopefully it will be a tough lesson but he will come out safer in the long run, to himself and others?
I find it is easiest to imagine how much worse things could have been with our teens and just accept and let them learn.

I would be inclined to wait a while before allowing them to have insurance again. Driving is about maturity and clearly they aren’t mature enough to be in charge of a car just yet.

@RebelDiamonds I would say in some ways that’s a win as it’s the insurance company who have done the disciplining for you, no? Hugely far reaching consequences now as it will be prohibitively expensive to get other insurance. I’m sorry for you though - exceedingly frustrating.

Yes I do need to concentrate on the fact he is ok and not hurt someone, I'm a over- worrier naturally but this is something I need to work on.
I agree about keeping him off the road for a while and have put this to his dad but I doubt he will back me up over it which is another issue in its self I suppose. Thank you for your replies and words (name change from original post!)

Yes I agree that at least it’s the insurance company - a third party - who have imposed this.

@RebelDiamonds I feel for you. My 17 y/o failed his first driving test and frankly I'd rather sell a kidney than him take another too soon and not understand how much of a responsibility driving is. Not much useful to add but offering a MN glass of 🍷

@RebelDiamonds I agree this is a win win - ds get punished but not by you. If he wants to keep driving then he'll need to pay the insurance - that's the deal I have with my ds for when he starts driving - I pay for insurance with a black box but any fines, he pays and if he loses his insurance he'll need to either wait until he's 18 when it gets a bit cheaper or pay him self.

Your son sounds very blasé about the whole thing so I'd stand firm on this one & have a word with DH about backing you up but don't be hard on yourself

How are you all?

of my three: one went to see the mental health nurse and got medication (good),
one got a great test at school (good),
one called their dad a f8xking something and cried for ages before being calmed (not so good).

with a full time job in the mix: I’m tired.

wine anyone?

I’m so glad to have found this thread! I have only 2 friends with teens and all my others have young kids. My husband and I have felt so lost and alone.

I have a 15yo stepson who lives with us full time and our biggest issue is that he has completely checked out of school. He hasn’t handed in any work all term. He’s not going to graduate at this rate. We’ve had so many screaming matches about it (I’ve said terrible things to him).

Last year when the all began he was depressed and I think we were too gentle on him. There were no real consequences for not going to school. Didn’t help that if we tried, he would just go to his mum’s house where we know he does nothing at all.

This year we started the year with kindness and rewards. We told him we would pay him for handing in school work but it hasn’t helped. We’ve got him tutors. We’ve put him on a guest internet account that’s cut off if he hasn’t handed in any work (no effect so far but he still has data on his phone). We’ve cut off his pocket money. We’ve told him he has to pay for his own phone, haircuts, clothes, transport, everything. He’s about to run out of money and I know the s* is going to hit the fan, especially when his phone runs out of data.

The comment someone made earlier about not knowing where to draw the boundary, what is too much freedom vs not enough, what is appropriate punishment vs going to cause depression, etc really resonated. You just don’t know what to do.

As a side note I just want to throw in a book recommendation here that has really helped me. There’s a NZ psych called Nigel Latta who wrote a book called “Before your teenagers drive you crazy read this”. It is the first book I’ve found that gives actual suggestions for how to handle specific situations. It’s like a field book, and it’s amazing. We haven’t tried any of the things in it yet but one thing that really helped me was his comment that “you don’t need to be a good parent, you just need to be good enough”. We all expect so much of ourselves but we all know that as long as they are loved, we’ve done more than most.

Not every parent is spending their free time seeking help on the web. Hang in there, people!

Our job as parents is to prepare them for the world. And the HARDEST part of that is letting them fail.

Some good advice I recently heard is; would you do it for your nephew/niece/neighbour’s kid? If not, then don’t it for yours. (Obviously this applies when they get to around 16 and should be somewhat self driven, not when they are 5!)

Just reaching out and just reaching out due a handhold. Just reaching out for a handhold. Finding this bit gocycitcicutxitxigxigciygyxycucucuvuvu
Just reaching out for a hand hold! I don't have wisdom but lots if suffering but hopefully growing too.

This is my post and it went wrong as I couldn't see it as I was typing

But saying the same over and over fits my mood !!

It's flipping hard and with GCSEs imminent it feels so bloody serious too. I am hugely over reacting all the time due to lots of historic experiences- more related to my original family

Just joining in to send hugs and sympathy. I'm very glad I stumbled across you all. Teen DD has run away to live with trans partner and enabling mum. They are currently visiting my brother which is making me feel wierdy. DS is permanently on his computer. He wanted a haircut but he hates it. DH has too much work and we are not getting on due to DD refusing to come home, speak, or see us. We gets texts.suffolkcatlady I'd like to read that book ,- what is it?

Hi there
Sorry to hear things are tough. The book I recently read was ‘ rules of estrangement’ by Joshua Coleman. It was interesting. After I messed up recently it did help towards reconciliation and healing. My daughter and I are ok again and it made me realise the complexities of the relationship and importance of love. I am determined to do better! I hope you and your daughter can reconnect again and understand how painful and difficult it must be. Sending a virtual hug x

We have had a nice weekend actually. DS bet us £30 that he couldn’t go screen free for a week. We took the bet as I figured it was safe money, and he did it. He read three books and practiced drums a lot (much to the delight of the neighbours no doubt) helped DH decorate the kitchen and it has been bloody lovely and he has been much nicer as a result. DD and I had a really nice day on Saturday- up early for a sports comp and then lunch and shopping on the way home. So I am feeling exceedingly grateful for the break in hostilities and stress!

But also sending heartfelt sympathy to those of you having a horrid time. Ours will be back soon no doubt!

Ooh a week off the screen. That sounds great. How did he manage communication/bus pass type stuff? Apple Pay?

sorry if I’m being naive. Mine would fall at the first hurdle as their homework is set online

We are good here.

DD spoke a girl they know through the school play. Said how upset they were at the prospect of potentially not being able to do their chosen courses straight away down to maths.

The friend (who I wish to track down to give a box of chocs to) said "well, you know what, at least you can have something to do if you get bored of children. You could work on a cruise. You love singing and acting. You'd be on holiday, but doing cool stuff and being paid".

So now, basically what I said with less teen speak is now fine and a potential career change if they don't get the maths score they need the second or third go.

Meanwhile, their lovely maths teacher has said they could see them getting the required 4. They would need to go to after school lessons (which they have been, grudgingly) but if they worked hard could pull it off. She said her only worry was putting too much pressure on DD.

Don't know about anyone else's teens, do they not have birthday parties anymore? DD is 16 in the holidays and we offered a little shin dig but if looks could kill as apparently no one does that anymore.

I will wait for prom instead!

@Libre2 and @ReformedWaywardTeen

It's great to hear you both have good news today. Its very encouraging for the rest of us.
DD not great with some drama around her group of friends outside school, and was crying a lot this weekend. Hoping she will develop some resilience and in the meantime offering hot chocolates, movie night etc...
Happy Monday everyone x