How to deal with greedy teen?

[JemimaThePuddleDuck]

DS is 15.
He used to be sporty and fit, he was always playing out with his friends and was slim.
over covid he got into online gaming and he and his friends now just want to sit on discord calls playing games together every night, he doesn't go out, doesn't exercise and just wants to lie around watching YouTube or playing games.

He gave up all his sports and now spends most of his time in front of a screen.

I've tried to limit screen time, but it doesn't make a difference, he doesn't want to go outside or be active.

The main issue is his greediness and his weight.

Over the last six months he's become really greedy, like he can't control himself.
he's also gained weight, to the point where his clothes don't fit and I would consider him overweight.

It's definitely greediness, he's got into a habit of eating his packed lunch at break time, so by the time he gets home from school he is starving,
we always have plenty of easy to prepare food but he will go for the laziness option and stuff himself.

I tried to talk to him, discussed options and got in snacks he would like, but he will gorge himself on them.

Some examples,
He asked for specific cereals,
But he will eat the entire box, out of the bag, like it's a bag of crisps.
He asked for wraps and cheese to make quesadillas, he then ate two whole packs of wraps (16 in total) and a bag and a half of grated cheese, in two days.
He asked for instant noodles, he will make three packs at the same time in one bowl.
He asked for yoghurts, but will eat the entire multipack in a day or two.
He will make an enormous bowl of pasta, literally 250g (half a bag) of pasta and just have it with butter or pesto.
Multiple bags of crisps in one sitting.
More times than I can count he has eaten almost an entire loaf of bread either as toast or just bread and butter.

These are all for after school snacks, he then still expects a full meal for dinner two and a half hours later.

The biggest issue is he has gotten into the habit of eating his packed lunch things.

I pre make his sandwich's on a Sunday and put them in the fridge.
He takes a sandwich, a bag of crisps, an apple and a cereal bar to school.
I will quite often find that he has eaten all of the crisps or cereal bars or several of his sandwiches (not ones he's taken to school) part the way through the week.

This evening I have just discovered he had eaten two packets of his crisps and one of his lunch sandwiches,
we had a full roast dinner at 4.30pm, so he's had that and then helped himself to those.

I don't think it's hunger, I think it's greed and probably boredom,
He knows it's there and is lazy,
We have other snack food, there is a pack of cheese and onion rolls, yoghurts, other crisps, fruit and bread.
But he chose to eat his packed lunch sandwich.

I'm so frustrated.
I'm sick of buying food for him to gorge himself on and it be gone in a couple of days.
It's not normal or healthy, at this rate he will be obese soon.

I don't know what to do, I've tried taking to him, planning meals and getting healthier snacks in, I tried tough love, explaining his weight is an issue and he needs to stop eating like this, I've tried shouting, I've tried begging, I've tried hiding food and rationing it.... nothing has worked.

I don't know what to do, has anyone else been through this?

Could it be an option to back off for a while? Go for being extra nice, no nagging all the time?

I think it's horrid being a teenager, the emotions and changes are tough and confusing and teenage boys in particular do often get really hungry.

I'd let it go entirely for a while and just be a super loving mum and see what happens.

'I have tried everything I can thing of to figure out why he is behaving like this and all I can come up with is greed.
I don't know what to do to get him to stop it.'

Trying to be gentle, op, but if you are really convinced he's binge eating you most have thought that bad mental health was a possible cause?

What if there were ten lunch sandwiches in the fridge instead of five? And what if there were three dinner portions (for eg dinner time, 9pm, next day at 4pm) ready and plated?
Given teens haven’t yet developed impulse control it makes sense to go for something instant that’s in front of you rather than something out-of-sight needing ten mins of defrost. I tend to do the same at nearly 40! I don’t have experience of what you’re describing, I’m just noticing that you seem concerned about the healthiness of the food and the impact on family meals so wondering if this could be a way to make some healthier foods just as available as a pot noodle.

Don't buy crap sugary cereals, Weetabix only if cereals are a necessity. Get loads of vegetables in, apples, bananas etc. he needs fibre.
Get him to drink pints of water and get rid of any soft drinks, squash etc.
2/3 of supper should be different vegetables, use brown rice, potatoes for carbs. Avoid prefabricated crap as much as possible.
No snacks as in crisps, sweets, pastries etc.
Go hardcore.

Suggestions that the op spend hours and hours cooking and playing food so a teen doesn't have to suffer hunger for a single second or think for himself even once about making healthy choices?

What sort of adult will he become in q few years ?!

Also why isn't he making his own lunch at that age?

No answer for you OP, just solidarity, my 13yo SS eats 2 loaves of bread, a box of cereal, full box of eggs and a 6 pint of milk every weekend (as well as 4 meals) he’s like a rake though so weight isn’t really an issue but costs me a fortune.

its hard isn’t it? Cause what do you do, let your son get to the point he’s obese?

Plating food that should say. Given that before the fast food revolution the only options would have been thr meals a family ate together or a simple packed lunch....this clearly isn't a healthy development for anyone

The op is already putting far more time and money into giving her teen food he wants and into cooking healthy meals for him than most parents around the world. Perhaps the problem is his belief that anytime he is slightly bored of gaming he can take a short break to get as much food as he likes

How is it a kindness to let teens behave like this ?

He sounds really unhappy. Can you afford a private counsellor?

I think he sounds depressed. I know you said if you took away his devices he would still lounge and read in his room but I think that sounds better than what is happening now. I think if you cut off his gaming supply it would give him breathing room and eventually he might be open to other things.

It sounds frustrating for both of you and I hope there is a resolution, I remember being a bit older than him and falling into a rut that was hard to get out of.

@waterrat agree, it's really not a kindness.

Not sure if anyone has suggested this but do you think he could have an eating disorder?

He obviously needs to eat a fair bit due to being a growing teen boy, but the binging after school does sound a little excessive.

If you're worried about him putting in weight, I wouldn't let that bother you. There are far worse things than being overweight. Any worries you have could rub off on him and linger in his mind for a very long time. I'm in my 30s and I can still hear my mum judging what I ate as a teenager.

It’s totally normally for boys to pack on weight at 15 before a growth spurt. It happened with my nephew, He became taller than me and super slim almost overnight.

He is comfort eating.
The gaming is not good for him but he is locked in a downward spiral
Turn the wifi off

so don't buy rice/pasta, at least for the next few months.

He sounds like a 15 year old boy.rhey rat you out your home

Some of the comments here are insane

OP, I think you are doing everything you can and I see you as a concerned & actively caring parent.

Yes, teens eat a lot (I have some!) but this is deeply unhealthy & beyond any norm. The actual food items he eats sound fine - but the quantities are far beyond normal.

As OP says, it's clear he is eating far too much, as he's now overweight.

I would be as concerned as the OP is, as he is putting down lifestyle & food habits now that will become entrenched in adulthood and very hard to change.

OP, I know you say you can't limit his gaming time - can you not? I have a 15 yo. I'm less rigid about eg screen time than when they were younger but I do have limits & I do take devices away if necessary. However my DC play sport willingly, love it & that naturally takes up many hours of their evenings & weekends.

I do agree that if he doesn't want to play sport, you can't make him.

But I would limit gaming time, especially at weekend & would try, at least, to make some form of exercise - walk, run, swim, if not sport - mandatory.

I would also be honest with him about his weight gain, in terms of his health as well as how unfeasible it is to eat like this long term, including practically & financially.

I think I would also look to get some counselling. His eating seems linked to emotional issues, and that needs to be addressed. Whether he'll be prepared to engage is hard to know.

Finally on diet. I have two sons. I try to have meat free dishes regularly (and prefer personally to eat less meat). However as they've got older (teen & preteen) they just can't cope without meat. They'll eat it - but not enjoy it - and are not full afterwards. As we aren't vegetarians, I've given in largely & almost always have meat dishes now. The ones they are happiest with are strongly meat based eg roast / meatballs more than a stir fry which has lots of veg too.

I know there are plenty of completely satiated vegetarians so I'm not saying you must give him meat! I see other posters point about protein.
I assume you are vegetarian for ethical reasons so eating meat would not be an easy choice. I just wonder about considering it for DS?

Finally you are doing a really good job & he sounds great. But don't stop on this one. It's really important to resolve this disordered eating pattern sooner rather than later.

Maybe for some, not all.

I've been around a lot of teenage boys. I have never noticed any put on weight before a spurt. I've noticed them have the growth spurt & be quite skinny then, before filling out in a more adult way.

So the other way around.

We should not expect that boys will put on weight before a growth spurt.

There are far worse things than being overweight.

Excluding other health conditions (eg a cancer diagnosis), there aren't really, heathy-wise.

Being overweight, especially at a young age, is a route to otherwise avoidable health conditions. It is also socially difficult & can make other normal interactions harder - sports, activities, relationships.

No-one should be shamed for being overweight. But it's not healthy & should be addressed.

OP, it sounds like you have done everything you can and you're at the end of your tether. Have you considered taking him to a registered dietician to ensure he is getting enough vitamins and proteins and then booking him a session with a child psychologist? He's either genuinely hungry (in which case, re-visiting the type of foods he's eating, at the same time, and the times he is eating may help), or it's possible he's overeating because of a mental health issue.

FWIW, I used to work in a job where I had to eat lunch 2 hours later than I normally would. I would be ravenous by the time lunch time came and, regardless of how much I ate, I always felt starving for the rest of the day and evening. So looking at the times he is eating and changing the quantities he eats at certain times may be helpful.

So looking at the times he is eating and changing the quantities he eats at certain times may be helpful.

That's great advice.

All these posters saying he's not greedy etc - of course he's being greedy!! His mum says he's overweight so he's clearly eating too much! This inability to recognise when a child is fat is why there are so many obese people in the UK. I would make sure the only food he has access to is healthy. At that age, he needs a more substantial lunch and maybe just feed him when he gets in from school if possible. But there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that he is overweight and trying to address it.

I would up his protein to 200gr a day and healthy fats such as avocado, olive oil, butter etc by a lot. His diet is very carb heavy, as most vegetarian diets, and as a growing man, his metabolism is fast. He need to fill up with protein, fat and vegetable. The pizza, noodles and bread are just fillers. They don't bring much nutrition

I tried that,
stopped getting anything snacky at all,
he would make pasta, eat the bread or his lunch box items,
I stopped getting them,
He would make things out of the freezer, but several portions worth in one sitting or
He would eat things that were for dinner.
It got to the point where I was literally having to go shopping every other day, which is not an option for me.

It seemed to become a problem 6 months ago, but I think it's something that has been slowly getting worse over time.
I've talked to him a lot, but in every other way he seems to be fine and he says he's just hungry, which is why I get the snack option in. But I just want him to have some self control, which he doesn't seem to have.

I did try that, he couldn't be bothered to make sandwiches, so was literally taking crisps, fruit and cereal bars,
He was coming home even more ravenous and eating even more food.

Same with breakfast, i batch cook the breakfast sandwich's because most of the time he can't be bother to make eggs, so he would just eat slices of toast for breakfast, or have nothing at all and then ask for extra money on his card to get something extra from the snack bar at school every day.

You are making a really big thing of this op, do you have ED? Or a history of them? Yes it is not ideal, but you are panicking and it could be making things worse.

Everyone needs to learn self control and discipline themselves, you can not force it. Soon he will be getting food delivered to the house etc, so this is not something you can control.

You can turn off the Wifi
You can provide only healthy snacks and no junk
You can run with him or dh to get involved in exercise
You can speak to a counsellor and see if they can see if there are any problems under the surface that he isn't speaking about to you

Hi op, I work with teens and I think post covid many are struggling with mental health or just a sense of apathy. Teens today do all their socialising online and lots of them don't really know how /or are reluctant to go out and get active with their mates because it's not what anyone else is doing. My teen is yonger so I imagine this is much harder for you because by 15 teens are wanting a lot more autonomy and not to be organised by their parents.

I think it would be a good idea for you to try some of the suggestions of new activities but rather than it being a case of we will pay for you to go and do this present it as we are going to do this and you have to come if you want internet access/ screen time / mobile data etc. You could even agree to pay for one friend to come along if you could afford it. I'd make Sat morning a family outdoors activity like SUP or surf lessons, mountain biking etc and then maybe Sunday morning a family hike. Gets him active and out the house for a couple of hours on a weekend and then he can loaf about on screens as much as he wants. Also weekdays, how hectic is your schedule, could you insist he joins you for an hours dog walk a few times a week, same deal in return for screen time etc. Other things to try, what about seeing if he will join you in a fitness challenge like couch to 5k or t25 /insanity style work outs? He might just need a shock to realise that you don't stay effortlessly fit as you get older.

Food is tricky, teens do eat a lot and it sounds like your ds has got into some bad habits, he can probably get away with it while he is still growing upwards but once that stop he will need to be very active to counter it. I can underatand your concerns. I think as others have said try and reduce the amount of junk snacks available like crisps etc. Get him cooking dinners and doing the shopping and meal prep so he realises just how much effort and expense goes into it all. Does he use myfitnesspal? He might not realise how many empty calories he is eating, I certainly had no idea until I started to log them. Good luck op.