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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

when your eldest starts having sex, I'm trying to adjust....

139 replies

morekidsthanhands1 · 28/05/2022 15:19

so my eldest DS is 16, and has a new GF. Great timing with gcse's but whatever. anyway they have been together a few weeks now and i have met her and she seems very sweet, also 16. Phew!
I found a packet of condoms (open ,3 missing) in his drawer this week, so waited till exams over this week and today i just asked if i could talk to him and basically just said i had found the condoms and did this mean what i thought. He got shy about it but said yes he was having sex. I asked then if this was first time, turns out he had a one night stand few months ago but nothing since. Asked all the usual , are you being safe, kind, respectful. Is she ok, def no pressure, is she on any other contraception, do her parents know or not? Also quick STI chat. He was pretty open and also slightly having banter with me about it. I just said at the end that he can't have sex with her in my house, i have younger children and the relationship is new, I said give it time for that to be allowed. I don't know if that's reasonable or not! I know he will do it but i cant exactly give my blessing just yet, plus i dont think her parents know so I def wouldn't want to go against anything they thought. I did say it would be good if she had a chat with her mum and got proper contraception and told her but he is a boy and not sure he will have that conversation with her! I told him, i am sorry but i am finding it hard to get my head around it all, to me you are my baby and i am just not prepared for this information. I need to get used to the fact he isn't a child anymore but a young adult and as he said , legal! God why is raising teens so difficult. Pls can anyone help me navigate this is a positive way and what i should say and do and did anyone else find it really hard to accept their child was having sex? I know it may sound silly but i just feel a sense of grief and loss. Probs being a menopausal hormonal mess, that def doesnt help but looking for words of wisdom from other teen mums/dads

OP posts:
Threetulips · 28/05/2022 15:22

I have three teens and this doesn’t worry me at all.

Most teens are just exploring sex and relationships, and it’s awkward for them without me putting on any pressure or expectations.

WillowintheUK · 28/05/2022 15:28

For goodness sake, give the boy some privacy. He’s being responsible, and is of age. It’s none of your business.

InconvenientPeg · 28/05/2022 15:33

I think you just have to accept that it's as gross as your parents having sex
and stick your fingers in your ears and not think about it 😂

Mine is 18 and they're having sex in our house, because I don't want them to take risks but basically yuk! I'm thinking about buying him a new bed because squeaking 😱

HereIAmBrainTheSizeOfAPlanet · 28/05/2022 15:34

Why do you go through his drawers?

amylou8 · 28/05/2022 15:38

As long as he's being discreet why not let him have sex at home? Get him a lock for the bedroom door if he hasn't got one already. Far better safe under your roof than who knows where. I think you need to ease back a bit, I was embarrassed for him reading your post.

tothesea · 28/05/2022 15:38

OP only know he’s being responsible because she had the chat with him. That’s part of being a responsible parent, She doesn’t say anything about not giving him privacy.
I think you have handled it well OP. You had the discussion addressed the issues and set the boundaries. I have been in this position recently with my eldest and yes I definitely felt a sense of loss. There is no denying he is becoming a young adult and I miss that wee boy. We talked about it and he understands. We also had the chat and set the boundaries. He’s my son and therefore it is my business.

AgentProvocateur · 28/05/2022 15:40

You seem a bit overinvested. It’s perfectly normal for 16 year old in a relationship to have sex. I’m sure they can sort out their own contraception too (as has been proved, since you found the condoms). You’ve given him your ground rules. Now let them get on with it.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 28/05/2022 15:43

Why are you going into his drawers? I needed some paracetomal last week and knew teen dd would have some but i text her and asked if i could go and look in her drawers.

WhereTheLightningBugsBlaze · 28/05/2022 15:50

I really don’t understand the whole “not under my roof” thing.

orangeisthenewpuce · 28/05/2022 15:52

I do understand the not under my roof. Why make it easy for them? OP keep your nose out of what he's up to.

NrlySp · 28/05/2022 15:52

It’s your house and your rules. So yes of course it is fine. You may also want to discuss the possibility of a baby and the choices that then would have to be made. Also that as a boy if his GF did get pregnant he may have very little say over what happens to the pregnancy’s. And the reality of beeing a teenage Dad.
All These things should be discussed imo. They are realities that teens don’t think off. Their brains are not fully developed.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 28/05/2022 15:53

They’ll just do it somewhere else. He’s not a ‘baby’ anymore. He’s a young man.

Lavenderlast · 28/05/2022 15:54

WhereTheLightningBugsBlaze · 28/05/2022 15:50

I really don’t understand the whole “not under my roof” thing.

Right?! Why would you prefer your kid to shag in a field or alley or car or whatever. He has a bedroom, let him use it. Sure you may cringe if you hear them together, but that is no different from him cringing if he hears his parents having sex.

jackstini · 28/05/2022 15:55

Glad you have spoken to him but really you now need to keep out of it - it's their business and at least they are of legal age

I wouldn't ban them from doing it in your house though - that risks them doing it elsewhere which may be less safe

It's normal, not something that needs to be hidden. It's difficult to get your head round I know, but you need to!

Thejoyfulstar · 28/05/2022 15:56

My kids are too young for this but I get it OP. I would feel the same.

GetThatHelmetOn · 28/05/2022 15:56

HereIAmBrainTheSizeOfAPlanet · 28/05/2022 15:34

Why do you go through his drawers?

Oh well, being a teen, his mum may have been looking for the bottle opener, her tweezers, removing dirty plates and cuttlery from a week ago or trying to find out if there is a dead mouse around?

vdbfamily · 28/05/2022 15:56

Personally I think the most important thing a young make should understand properly is that even with a condom, every time he has sex could result in a pregnancy. Is he mature enough to be a dad and if not, should he really be having sex? It is below average age for starting to have sex and I think knowing the circumstances are really important.

Thejoyfulstar · 28/05/2022 15:58

vdbfamily · 28/05/2022 15:56

Personally I think the most important thing a young make should understand properly is that even with a condom, every time he has sex could result in a pregnancy. Is he mature enough to be a dad and if not, should he really be having sex? It is below average age for starting to have sex and I think knowing the circumstances are really important.

I agree with this.

vdbfamily · 28/05/2022 15:58

male not make and consequences not circumstances!

Sortilege · 28/05/2022 15:59

Thejoyfulstar · 28/05/2022 15:56

My kids are too young for this but I get it OP. I would feel the same.

Hopefully you won’t when it actually happens, though. You’ll go through all the stages to get there and will have had the safe sex talk while it’s still theoretical. By 16 they are entitled to some privacy (not to have their drawers snooped through) and it’s better they’re safe in their bedroom than out bonking in a field.

NotAScoobyToBeSeen · 28/05/2022 15:59

Id rather under my roof than taking risks doing it elsewhere. Also if you make it a taboo then theyll want it even more.

I would question also why you were looking in his drawers? Regardless he sounds like he's being sensible about it all, so I think really you have to get over it, as harsh as that sounds. Slowly, slowly pull the apron strings so when they leave home it's not such a wrench

stepuporshutup · 28/05/2022 16:00

Lavenderlast · 28/05/2022 15:54

Right?! Why would you prefer your kid to shag in a field or alley or car or whatever. He has a bedroom, let him use it. Sure you may cringe if you hear them together, but that is no different from him cringing if he hears his parents having sex.

Show quote history

This OP please don't let them grub about outside for sex

soundofsilver · 28/05/2022 16:00

That's nice he talked with you about it but why have you banned him from doing it with his girlfriend in your house? Is behind the bike shed a better option?

Sortilege · 28/05/2022 16:00

GetThatHelmetOn · 28/05/2022 15:56

Oh well, being a teen, his mum may have been looking for the bottle opener, her tweezers, removing dirty plates and cuttlery from a week ago or trying to find out if there is a dead mouse around?

Show quote history

Standing on the landing demanding they return things works quite well.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 28/05/2022 16:00

Wrt not under my roof- I'd ask him if he can stay the night at the girlfriend's house, I wonder if the answer would be 'yes of course etc ,especially after only a couple of weeks.

I wouldn't make it easy for a 16 year old. 18 is a different story.