Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

when your eldest starts having sex, I'm trying to adjust....

139 replies

morekidsthanhands1 · 28/05/2022 15:19

so my eldest DS is 16, and has a new GF. Great timing with gcse's but whatever. anyway they have been together a few weeks now and i have met her and she seems very sweet, also 16. Phew!
I found a packet of condoms (open ,3 missing) in his drawer this week, so waited till exams over this week and today i just asked if i could talk to him and basically just said i had found the condoms and did this mean what i thought. He got shy about it but said yes he was having sex. I asked then if this was first time, turns out he had a one night stand few months ago but nothing since. Asked all the usual , are you being safe, kind, respectful. Is she ok, def no pressure, is she on any other contraception, do her parents know or not? Also quick STI chat. He was pretty open and also slightly having banter with me about it. I just said at the end that he can't have sex with her in my house, i have younger children and the relationship is new, I said give it time for that to be allowed. I don't know if that's reasonable or not! I know he will do it but i cant exactly give my blessing just yet, plus i dont think her parents know so I def wouldn't want to go against anything they thought. I did say it would be good if she had a chat with her mum and got proper contraception and told her but he is a boy and not sure he will have that conversation with her! I told him, i am sorry but i am finding it hard to get my head around it all, to me you are my baby and i am just not prepared for this information. I need to get used to the fact he isn't a child anymore but a young adult and as he said , legal! God why is raising teens so difficult. Pls can anyone help me navigate this is a positive way and what i should say and do and did anyone else find it really hard to accept their child was having sex? I know it may sound silly but i just feel a sense of grief and loss. Probs being a menopausal hormonal mess, that def doesnt help but looking for words of wisdom from other teen mums/dads

OP posts:

UltimateTwunt · 28/05/2022 17:35

In all my years of working with teenagers and in schools I have never known of any who have had sex on school grounds. If you do, good god, where on earth do you live.

I left school in 2016. It's happened, may not be full sex. They're hardly going to come bragging to their teacher. I've been cornered by boys in school a few times.

Despinetta · 28/05/2022 17:38

Feel a bit sorry for your son- he’s done everything right, is using contraception and has answered some quite intrusive questions very honestly and his reward is to be told he can’t have sex in his own home. I think it would have been better just to remind him about being discreet (although I imagine he was being discreet, given that you only knew about it because you found the condoms).

UltimateTwunt · 28/05/2022 17:38

Was a rough area though. Was the norm to have men on the street pester you too.

Original poster

morekidsthanhands1 · 28/05/2022 17:40

So I’m not going to reply directly to peoples posts but firstly I was looking for his bus pass he couldn’t find and had “tried” looking for. I’ll often do a “sweep” through their bedrooms to scoop up laundry and dishes etc. they know this and have never “banned me”
Secondly, i am still processing it all. He is 16, and emotionally I feel definitely still had grieving room. Plus def NOT ready to be a dad should something happen. Thirdly I don’t think her parents are aware and they may have very strong feelings on the matter, so I am trying to say to him, be respectful and be aware you may not get the same response from her folks should they find out.
Thirdly, he is 16 not 18 and I think although legal, every situation is different. I didn’t say never under my roof. I said let’s take some time to for her to be allowed to stay over.For all I know they’ll end their relationship next week. They literally been together less than a month. They will have privacy of course. She is here now in his room and I’m not bursting in there! And they have had the house to themselves on lots occasions as we have all been out. So they aren’t in some field or shed.
really disappointed but not surprised but some of the less negative comments. I was really hoping for some positive guidance from those parents that have been thru this. Just trying to let him grow up and also make sure he is sensible etc and I am handling this in the right way. I was more curious what others did as regards their boundaries and rules about it.

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/05/2022 17:41

It’s your prerogative but do you want them to be having sex in a field or a playground? Would that be better for her? They are going to do in anyway so if you won’t let him have sex at home that is what you are imposing, unless they can shift to her house.

She is 16 so while I understand you’d rather her parents were across everything they are both of the age of consent so it isn’t necessary.

Overall I think you are being neurotic and taking that out on him. If I were you I would have a re-think.

Lollypop701 · 28/05/2022 17:52

you are adjusting to the next stage in your child’s life… he growing up and having consensual, protected sex so first off you have done well as he’s making good choices. I add condoms to your shopping list to make sure he has enough. I wouldn’t say not under my roof, I’d say no one should be aware. Then I’d leave him to it. It’s a wow moment for you as a parent (as in wow where has my little boy gone) but you’ll be fine

WhatsOnYourToast · 28/05/2022 17:55

orangeisthenewpuce · 28/05/2022 16:54

In all my years of working with teenagers and in schools I have never known of any who have had sex on school grounds. If you do, good god, where on earth do you live.

Show quote history

Really? At school you never walked into the toilets and there was a locked door, perhaps some shushing and heavy breathing, door still locked when you left ?
I can reall at least 5 separate occasions throughout secondary. Obviously didn't say anything to a teacher , or even to my friends, found it a bit awkward.

A pair year above me got caught under a desk during lunch time....

I think its probably fairly common, getting caught is less common but happens. Every day in the UK a girl is raped AT school, do you really think it is implausible that consenting sex takes place at school too?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/05/2022 18:04

A friend of mine won’t let her DDs boyfriend stay over. They’re both 19 and have been together nearly two years. The result is that she is rarely at home, they spend the majority of their time at his parents.

ittakes2 · 28/05/2022 18:23

Honestly I never quite get parents feeling uncomfortable kids having sex in their house….you mean you would prefer him to have it where exactly - he’s not old enough to drive so outside in a park? In a public toilet? You are assuming he’s going to be able to do it at his girlfriends house if not at your’s - but what if he can’t? He’s not going to stop so you are giving him no alternative but to do it in public places or friends houses and it’s that sort of thing that makes them both more vulnerable. I get your discomfort but what would you prefer?

USaYwHatNow · 28/05/2022 18:47

You were doing so well until about half way through that conversation.

ENoeuf · 28/05/2022 18:55

It's really difficult especially with younger children , and especially to set some guidance about how many new faces you want to have in and out their bedroom. We fucked up with kid 1, dh was massively (still is) anti young teenage sex in the house and was really harsh about it. With kid 2 we've been a lot less stressed, and have turned a blind eye to them hanging out in the bedroom but also have only allowed overnights at 17 and when in an established (five plus months) relationship - also for our comfort in our home and facing people in our pajamas with bed hair and for the sake of the little ones.

maddiemookins16mum · 28/05/2022 18:55

I never get the whole MN urge to encourage (almost) their children to have sex so early. He’s 16 fgs. The whole ‘well they’ll do it anyway’ is a cop out.

TokyoTen · 28/05/2022 19:00

I have two DS, both 20+ provided they do all the things you mention I'd rather they had sex in our house! What's the other option? An alley, cheap dive hotel they waste money on? somewhere unsafe? I think you're really really unreasonable. I wouldn't expect them to scream the house down, but provided they aren't head board banging and the door is closed what's the problem?

toastedbagiel · 28/05/2022 19:00

maddiemookins16mum · 28/05/2022 18:55

I never get the whole MN urge to encourage (almost) their children to have sex so early. He’s 16 fgs. The whole ‘well they’ll do it anyway’ is a cop out.

I think you must have misread. He is doing it anyway...

InFiveMins · 28/05/2022 19:01

Yeah you're being too full on with him OP, I would talk to him again and let him know that actually it's OK for him to have sex in your house but perhaps a lock on the door may be a good idea.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 28/05/2022 19:02

maddiemookins16mum · 28/05/2022 18:55

I never get the whole MN urge to encourage (almost) their children to have sex so early. He’s 16 fgs. The whole ‘well they’ll do it anyway’ is a cop out.

Totally agree and only see in on MN.

vdbfamily · 28/05/2022 19:06

AngelinaFibres · 28/05/2022 16:48

You don't have any teens do you

Show quote history

I actually have 3 teens. Not sure why you think I don't. My 15 year old DD has not had a boyfriend. My 17 year old DD spends his time gaming, cycling and weightlifting. Not yet had girlfriend. My oldest is 19 and lives abroad currently . She is an independent young adult and what she does with her life is her business now.
In my opinion, 16, although legal, is incredibly young to be having sex and the comments that assume all teenagers are at it are just ignorant. Average age for first time in UK is 18, so most 16 year olds are not having sex yet.

Whatonearth93 · 28/05/2022 19:13

jesus christ. hes 16 and is using condoms. be thankful!!! he has a good head on him! give him his privacy

MadKittenWoman · 28/05/2022 19:14

He’s 16 and they’re both behaving responsibly. As long as you’re not aware of it, what’s the issue? DH and his GF started going out at 16 and were together 2 1/2 years. She stayed over here and he stayed over at hers. She came on holiday with us and he went on holiday with them. We parents never met, although only lived around the corner for some of the time.They need to negotiate their own way through life and relationships and it’s best that they do it in the place they feel most safe- their own bedrooms.

Whatonearth93 · 28/05/2022 19:14

plus im sure you have had sex whilst your kids have been in the house

Roastonsun8 · 28/05/2022 19:18

WillowintheUK · 28/05/2022 15:28

For goodness sake, give the boy some privacy. He’s being responsible, and is of age. It’s none of your business.

Honestly OP wants to know so much.... too much. Keep out of your Sons draws why did you open the pack of condoms? Honestly I'm mortified for your Son.

NotMyFinestMoment · 28/05/2022 19:21

WillowintheUK · 28/05/2022 15:28

For goodness sake, give the boy some privacy. He’s being responsible, and is of age. It’s none of your business.

This.

glamourousindierockandroll · 28/05/2022 19:22

Mine are nowhere near this stage and I dread it, but I also remember what it was like to be that age and I would rather my children weren't having sex in public places.

BashfulClam · 28/05/2022 19:31

Just make sure he always has condoms. I took a few risks as a skint teenager who couldn’t talk to her parents about it.

glamourousindierockandroll · 28/05/2022 19:33

In all my years of working with teenagers and in schools I have never known of any who have had sex on school grounds. If you do, good god, where on earth do you live.

I've worked in a lovely secondary school for 15 years and i know of at least two occasions where two students have been caught. I was a very well behaved and responsible teenager myself many moons ago, but i had a couple of serious boyfriends and wild horses wouldn't have stopped us. We exploited every opportunity we got.

In some ways, I expect it's less common now due to the availability of porn.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread