Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

when your eldest starts having sex, I'm trying to adjust....

139 replies

morekidsthanhands1 · 28/05/2022 15:19

so my eldest DS is 16, and has a new GF. Great timing with gcse's but whatever. anyway they have been together a few weeks now and i have met her and she seems very sweet, also 16. Phew!
I found a packet of condoms (open ,3 missing) in his drawer this week, so waited till exams over this week and today i just asked if i could talk to him and basically just said i had found the condoms and did this mean what i thought. He got shy about it but said yes he was having sex. I asked then if this was first time, turns out he had a one night stand few months ago but nothing since. Asked all the usual , are you being safe, kind, respectful. Is she ok, def no pressure, is she on any other contraception, do her parents know or not? Also quick STI chat. He was pretty open and also slightly having banter with me about it. I just said at the end that he can't have sex with her in my house, i have younger children and the relationship is new, I said give it time for that to be allowed. I don't know if that's reasonable or not! I know he will do it but i cant exactly give my blessing just yet, plus i dont think her parents know so I def wouldn't want to go against anything they thought. I did say it would be good if she had a chat with her mum and got proper contraception and told her but he is a boy and not sure he will have that conversation with her! I told him, i am sorry but i am finding it hard to get my head around it all, to me you are my baby and i am just not prepared for this information. I need to get used to the fact he isn't a child anymore but a young adult and as he said , legal! God why is raising teens so difficult. Pls can anyone help me navigate this is a positive way and what i should say and do and did anyone else find it really hard to accept their child was having sex? I know it may sound silly but i just feel a sense of grief and loss. Probs being a menopausal hormonal mess, that def doesnt help but looking for words of wisdom from other teen mums/dads

OP posts:
Roastonsun8 · 28/05/2022 21:24

I'm 31 and in year 11 there was a lot of girls that had have sex before we even left high school. So I think a lot of you need to stop being delusional and from what I observe about the teens today they have way more and know a lot more! Social media, ticktock and Snapchat I'm aghast at those saying about average age....pfttt give over!!

Roastonsun8 · 28/05/2022 21:27

tothesea · 28/05/2022 15:38

OP only know he’s being responsible because she had the chat with him. That’s part of being a responsible parent, She doesn’t say anything about not giving him privacy.
I think you have handled it well OP. You had the discussion addressed the issues and set the boundaries. I have been in this position recently with my eldest and yes I definitely felt a sense of loss. There is no denying he is becoming a young adult and I miss that wee boy. We talked about it and he understands. We also had the chat and set the boundaries. He’s my son and therefore it is my business.

OP look in her Sins draw... she knew how many condoms were in the pack! She obviously was snooping and opened the pack.

Boundaries apply both ways. It's part of growing up and respect.

Oblomov22 · 28/05/2022 21:33

I completely disagree with you on many points. You said he can't have sex in your house? Why? Where are you supposing get has sex then? He's allowed to legally, got a nice girlfriend, practicing safe sex with condoms, already doing it. Why are you going through his drawers. I disagree with you entirely.

Original poster
morekidsthanhands1 · 28/05/2022 21:45

@Oblomov22 pls reread properly and try and understand what is written before you make comments. You sound very young from your post and clearly making quick comment without actually fully understanding the thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
morekidsthanhands1 · 28/05/2022 21:53

@Roastonsun8 he had lost his bus pass and I said shall I look for it, not that I need permission to look it his room. We don’t have a secretive house where we hide stuff from each other.so I was Not snooping. Maybe in your house no one tells each other anything but in my family I encourage my children to talk to me. The fact he was happy to do so and we even had a little bit of banter about it was nice. I am just processing it all. I am a very considered parent and don’t make rash off the cuff decisions, and yes I set boundaries and give my children a moral compass of being kind and considerate to others, especially their partners. I know he will have sex still and I will support that in my in my own way and in an appropriate way given his age and how long they’ve been together. Doesn’t sound like you have teens or maybe you just don’t talk to them?

OP posts:
NotAScoobyToBeSeen · 28/05/2022 21:58

You'll support him to continue to have sex, but not in your house?! So where would you suggest they do it?

Original poster
morekidsthanhands1 · 28/05/2022 22:00

@Disscombobulated thank you your post comments make me feel like I’m doing an ok job. There is no handbook and the situation will no doubt change as time goes on. I do feel thinking of both the young people is vitally important. Someone commented it’s not my business what she does for contraception but I think they are ignorant. It is right for me to ask my son to remind my son that he always treats her with respect and courtesy. It is right that I hope she has the same open relationship with her parents and can talk to them. And it is right that I care what happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
morekidsthanhands1 · 28/05/2022 22:02

This thread has gone way off topic too. It was really a seeking from users what their experiences where when faced with this not an attack on how people choose to parent.

OP posts:
NotAScoobyToBeSeen · 28/05/2022 22:04

Ive just read back and seen your other replies. Its fair enough for it to take time to get your head around, but I dont think you can tell him to not have legal sex in his own bedroom during that time tbh
You're quite defensive - you must know what mn is like. Yes its a snapshot, but thats all the info you gave us so we based our opinions on that.

My 17 year old has told to be safe, respectful of himself and others, hes been bought condoms and has a lock on his door so younger siblings dont walk in (I always knock and wait for a response, we rate privacy and respect highly here, nothing to do with secrecy at all)

Sortilege · 28/05/2022 22:06

morekidsthanhands1 · 28/05/2022 19:39

Oh my. There are a lot of very negative and rude people on here. You’ll know who you are. So before you reach out to type a response just have a think. I’m not judging your parenting and ask you not to judge mine. Of course I’ve spoken to him before now about sex/relationships etc.this is a snapshot of a moment but a whole bloody history of my parenting for the last 16 yrs! if you think your teens will absorb every conversation about sex and relationships all in one conversation and you don’t ever need to repeat then you’re very naive. This is why PCSE at school go over the same topics again and again.
Clearly we all have incredibly different thresholds and boundaries. If you actually bothered to read the post, which the ones that have responded in a condescending and negative manner, clearly haven’t, you’d see I was asking for how others manage this in their homes. Not asking you to start pontificating and judgeing.
It was a question adding for some advice and curious to know what the general consensus was. The fact that a lot of you have totally missed the point and start throwing negative judgements about shows how totally uninterested you are in actually saying something constructive and helpful but more like to get on your soapbox and start putting people down for no reason other than to make your own self feel a little better maybe. If you can’t make a constructive comment then pls politely don’t.

You asked for opinions, you got opinions. Opinions that differ from yours are disagreement, not “negativity”. Why are you so incredibly defensive?

RosieRooster83 · 28/05/2022 22:06

@ahwobabob I am pretty sure that they aren't sexually active. I'm with them practically 24/7 so they don't have the opportunity to be sexually active. My girls know the boundaries and if they choose to have sex then that is their business and they can be open with me about it but it's not something I will allow in my house. It's disrespectful and quite vile the thought of hearing my child having sex.

Disscombobulated · 28/05/2022 22:07

Oh it absolutely is your business regarding contraception...! A pregnancy, wanted or not, kept or terminated, is a game changer for everyone and you shouldn't be shamed into not having a conversation which you know is important, and just could make the difference.

I am sure you are doing a fine job.

Disscombobulated · 28/05/2022 22:09

Also - my DS is 20 - I frequently go into his drawers. Either to look for things or tidy up - not everything is laden with suspicion. If he stays at home till he is 30, I expect I will do the same and I feel no shame!

Sortilege · 28/05/2022 22:09

morekidsthanhands1 · 28/05/2022 21:45

@Oblomov22 pls reread properly and try and understand what is written before you make comments. You sound very young from your post and clearly making quick comment without actually fully understanding the thread.

😂 This is ridiculous. She doesn’t remotely “sound young” and she can’t be because she’s been here years,

Why don’t you engage with the issues and stop sniping at people for giving you the opinions you asked for? I’m sure most of us are posting because we’ve been through it and lived to tell the tale.

Despinetta · 28/05/2022 22:12

Sortilege · 28/05/2022 22:09

😂 This is ridiculous. She doesn’t remotely “sound young” and she can’t be because she’s been here years,

Why don’t you engage with the issues and stop sniping at people for giving you the opinions you asked for? I’m sure most of us are posting because we’ve been through it and lived to tell the tale.

Show quote history

She’s also just saying the same thing as the majority of us.

OP, you claim to want guidance but immediately dismiss anyone suggesting you might act differently. That’s up to you, of course, but it makes the thread a bit pointless.

Sortilege · 28/05/2022 22:23

BTW, Regarding the privacy thing, if you really do regard privacy as undesirable “secrecy” and “hiding things from each other”, and are proud of not having any in the household, then that probably is the one thing you’ve said that’s actually toxic and damaging for growing teens. You might need to address that.

I realise that it might just be a self-defensive pose you’ve taken up.

Sex bans in the house, OTOH, will either be ignored or they will go elsewhere.

Snowiscold · 28/05/2022 22:24

I was a bit baffled when you said the girl should maybe talk to her mum about getting some “proper” contraception. What contraception are you thinking of? And why?

Sparklingbrook · 28/05/2022 22:24

Disscombobulated · 28/05/2022 22:09

Also - my DS is 20 - I frequently go into his drawers. Either to look for things or tidy up - not everything is laden with suspicion. If he stays at home till he is 30, I expect I will do the same and I feel no shame!

I have a 20 year old DS. I rarely even go in his bedroom. He finds his own things and tidies up himself. I wouldn't dream of rummaging through his drawers, that's unnecessary.

Floralnomad · 28/05/2022 22:26

I’m not saying I agree with the OP but she certainly can tell her son not to have sex in his bedroom because she is the parent and she owns the house . It’s absolutely no different to anything else we do or do not allow our children to do . Just because your kids make it to 16 / 18 it doesn’t mean they can do exactly as they please at home , it’s no different to people not allowing a 16/18 yo to smoke in their room .

Despinetta · 28/05/2022 22:28

Floralnomad · 28/05/2022 22:26

I’m not saying I agree with the OP but she certainly can tell her son not to have sex in his bedroom because she is the parent and she owns the house . It’s absolutely no different to anything else we do or do not allow our children to do . Just because your kids make it to 16 / 18 it doesn’t mean they can do exactly as they please at home , it’s no different to people not allowing a 16/18 yo to smoke in their room .

Sure but why ask for guidance and then just insult people who don’t agree with your approach?

HisHX · 28/05/2022 22:34

My parents were so, so weird about this when I was 16. They took the “not under my roof” thing to next level. Boyfriend wasn’t allowed upstairs, but I was allowed to stay at his house (on the same road) and to go on holiday with him. All of this, and yet they never once had a talk with me about contraception etc.
20 years on we’re happily married and they love him, but really strange memories. Be proud he is taking precautions and of yourself for speaking to him about pressure and consent x

lljkk · 28/05/2022 22:37

I am guilty of Not RTFT but that said, read most of OP. i get impression OP has a very good relationship with her son. He told her about the 1-night-stand. They had banter, chatted about STIs. He Talks to her. That's a great thing.

And yes the idea of your kids having sex is very Icky !! Natural reaction. He may even be pleased that his mum finds it icky, he is still her kid, & probably feels same knowing anything about OP's possible sex life. Give it time to get used to the fact he's growing up. You'll get there.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 28/05/2022 22:45

I've got 3 adult sons as well as younger kids. How I navigated this was, I knew they were well aware of sexual health. I trusted them and made their girlfriends feel welcome, gave them privacy and kept my nose out. I was perfectly OK with them having privacy in their own rooms and did not attempt to restrict them regarding who could sleep over etc. I asked my sons to let their girlfriends know that they could talk to me about anything they wanted if they needed to. It was upsetting to find that one couldn't discuss anything about sexual health with her own parents because of their attitudes against premarital sex; she shouldn't have had to ask someone else. Those parental attitudes don't stop young people having sex, but they do mean that a) sex is more likely to be rushed and unsafe, and b) if they need help or advice, they don't feel able to ask their parents for it. You can't stop young people having sex - you may as well try to stop the wind from blowing, as one of my favourite books said!

Now the oldest boys are in their 20s I have a great relationship with them and with their girlfriends. I feel very happy that this, at least, has gone very well.

You might find this recent thread on Maintaining a good relationship with adult children" helpful - many people say that managing a respectful transition during these teen years is key.

Oblomov22 · 28/05/2022 22:51

@Sortilege
Eh? I'm nearly 50, with uni dc, been on mn for 17+ years.
I haven't said anything that other posters haven't said. Hmm

Rainbowqueeen · 28/05/2022 22:52

I think you’re handling this really well OP.

Youre entitled to have boundaries about what happens in your own home.

Also this is not just about sex. It’s about helping your teen learn about healthy respectful relationships.
I have a no boyfriend stays the night until it is a relationship of 6 months minimum abs we have met them several times rule. I would also want to know that allowing this was not going to cause problems in the boyfriends home

This is a very new relationship and chances are it’s not going to last. Nothing wrong with expecting them to show respect for their families who they will be in a relationship with forever.
Also sex has consequences. We need our young men to think about these and not see sex as a consequence free great time for them.