when your eldest starts having sex, I'm trying to adjust....

[morekidsthanhands1]

so my eldest DS is 16, and has a new GF. Great timing with gcse's but whatever. anyway they have been together a few weeks now and i have met her and she seems very sweet, also 16. Phew!
I found a packet of condoms (open ,3 missing) in his drawer this week, so waited till exams over this week and today i just asked if i could talk to him and basically just said i had found the condoms and did this mean what i thought. He got shy about it but said yes he was having sex. I asked then if this was first time, turns out he had a one night stand few months ago but nothing since. Asked all the usual , are you being safe, kind, respectful. Is she ok, def no pressure, is she on any other contraception, do her parents know or not? Also quick STI chat. He was pretty open and also slightly having banter with me about it. I just said at the end that he can't have sex with her in my house, i have younger children and the relationship is new, I said give it time for that to be allowed. I don't know if that's reasonable or not! I know he will do it but i cant exactly give my blessing just yet, plus i dont think her parents know so I def wouldn't want to go against anything they thought. I did say it would be good if she had a chat with her mum and got proper contraception and told her but he is a boy and not sure he will have that conversation with her! I told him, i am sorry but i am finding it hard to get my head around it all, to me you are my baby and i am just not prepared for this information. I need to get used to the fact he isn't a child anymore but a young adult and as he said , legal! God why is raising teens so difficult. Pls can anyone help me navigate this is a positive way and what i should say and do and did anyone else find it really hard to accept their child was having sex? I know it may sound silly but i just feel a sense of grief and loss. Probs being a menopausal hormonal mess, that def doesnt help but looking for words of wisdom from other teen mums/dads

Oh my. There are a lot of very negative and rude people on here. You’ll know who you are. So before you reach out to type a response just have a think. I’m not judging your parenting and ask you not to judge mine. Of course I’ve spoken to him before now about sex/relationships etc.this is a snapshot of a moment but a whole bloody history of my parenting for the last 16 yrs! if you think your teens will absorb every conversation about sex and relationships all in one conversation and you don’t ever need to repeat then you’re very naive. This is why PCSE at school go over the same topics again and again.
Clearly we all have incredibly different thresholds and boundaries. If you actually bothered to read the post, which the ones that have responded in a condescending and negative manner, clearly haven’t, you’d see I was asking for how others manage this in their homes. Not asking you to start pontificating and judgeing.
It was a question adding for some advice and curious to know what the general consensus was. The fact that a lot of you have totally missed the point and start throwing negative judgements about shows how totally uninterested you are in actually saying something constructive and helpful but more like to get on your soapbox and start putting people down for no reason other than to make your own self feel a little better maybe. If you can’t make a constructive comment then pls politely don’t.

And for those that can’t read I HAVE NOT BANNED HIM FRIM
HDVING SEX IN MY HOUSE, i said just give me time to think.

@morekidsthanhands1 I completely understand that you need time to think, the relationship is all very new to you and your DS. I have 3 teenagers and I am fine with them having sex in their bedrooms, but their relationships have been a lot longer than a month when they have stayed over.

Thank you! Exactly this!
It’s been a month if that.
And everyone has different opinions of course but I don’t believe in just letting them get on with it and minding my own business, no questions asked. No shits given. So stop calling me ridiculous just because you have a much looser approach to parenting your children/teens.

You are being a bit unreasonable OP. People aren’t being particularly rude, they are just giving their opinions. Different opinions doesn’t mean you are being attacked. Calm down a bit.

The key thing, I’d say, I’d where are they going to be having sex if not in your house. That’s what would bother me anyway.

It is very much a parent's business to ensure he is being safe & respecting his partner's safety. Also it is OP's home & her business as to what goes on in it.

I have been through this op -DS now 22- and I think you have handled the situation well. You had a frank conversation, he knows your opinion and, as the mother of two girls, I thank you for also considering her/her parents in the set up.
I also said to my eldest (DD1) that I did not want her sharing a room with non long term partners. I didn't want to set a precedent for any Tom, Dick or Harry staying over for a shag in future years.
Unlike most of MN, I wouldn't have wanted to miss the excitement of teenage explorations, so yes, I would you prefer your kid to shag in a field or alley or car or whatever. they have years of bed/home sex to look forward to! As long as they both take sensible precautions.
It can be a challenging stage but you have lots of fun times ahead with young adult children.

So stop calling me ridiculous just because you have a much looser approach to parenting your children/teens.

I said you were ridiculous - not because I have a 'looser' approach to parenting but because you said you felt a 'sense of grief and loss' because your 16 year old is sexually active. That is ridiculous. Let's save grief and loss for where it is appropriate?

Why are you policing the girl? Condoms are fine and it's not your business to question what her family might think.

imo you're too invested

I have two DSs in their twenties. I have never rummaged through their drawers or had such in depth conversation/interrogation with them about their sex lives.
By the time they were 16 we had had multiple discussions around safe sex and consent etc.
I guess i must have had a 'loose' attitude . Oh well.

This thread is absolutely bizarre. No wonder so many people are weird about sex!

Let me preface this by saying I had DD1 at 19.

I wouldn’t stop my DDs having sex in our home at 16 if they had a boyfriend/girlfriend. I would buy the condoms myself and help them get access to an additional form of contraception if they wanted me to. I was on the pill but my parents never would have made condoms accessible or spoken to me about sex.

I had a boyfriend at 16. We started having sex a few months in and went out for 2.5 years. If my parents had said no sex in their house, we’d have done it at his house instead. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway because I went to uni at 18 and slept with two more people before getting another boyfriend. Then I fell pregnant with DD1. Luckily for me, that boyfriend is now my DH and we have another DD and are very happy together.

You don’t want them to do it in your house but then where do you suggest they go? They are going to do it either way, surely it’s better for it to be in a safe place (your/his house) and at least he’s being safe.
I think you’ve asked way to many questions, I would of been so embarrassed having this conversation at 16. Honestly I’d keep out of it now.

Agree with you. I don't think 16 year olds should just be left to get on with it and do whatever they want either.

Based on your strong preference that they don't have sex I'm pretty sure they will be lying to you about whether they are sexually active anyway.

I'm so surprised by a lot of the posters on here thinking that if they tell their kids they won't allow sex in their house that the kids won't be doing it behind their back. We were all kids once, you should know that it just goes on behind the parent's back instead and it's rather naive to think otherwise!

My ds is 18 & gay, he has just started dating, I'm dreading this, I know I haven't the pregnancy bit to worry about it.

@orangeisthenewpuce I worked at a school and saw children having sex against the school wall after school hours. It was a predominantly religious (Muslim) school in London. It does in fact happen.

Exactly!
Stand your ground OP. You can’t physically stop him but don’t cheer him on. Won’t kill him to keep it in his pants for another couple of years.

Yes maybe after school but not during school time thank god.

Hmmm so no sex until your at least 30 then

@orangeisthenewpuce well as other posters have given their experiences of children having sec during school hours in the toilets then clearly it does happen during school hours too!

@morekidsthanhands1 we had this dilemma too.... it was nothing to do with not 'wanting my child to have sex' or being 'over invested' .... I think you have handled it well tbh. My DS wanted his gf to stay over straight away and we have 2 younger kids to consider and I said no until she had met us and been round a few times and spent time with us. Wrong or not I didn't want to meet her for the first time in my PJs on the landing! It's got nothing to do with prudishness about sex! I didn't want that for my younger kids either. And also I wouldn't really want a different girl evey week either... for lots of reasons. Why is that unreasonable?
I think it's fine to take your time to get used to the idea. And wise. My DS was 17.
I also had the chat about what her parents views were. It's not about policing her It's about consideration. I would want to be considered by the other person's parents too.
And I did find it tough to get used to too. It is a little sad when they start to move away from you. Well I find it so anyway! But now I seem to have an extra daughter a lot of the time which is quite nice!
Its just an adjustment and it gets easier...

I wonder what the response would be if a single parent of young kids was having a partner of a couple of weeks over to stay?

"I'm so surprised by a lot of the posters on here thinking that if they tell their kids they won't allow sex in their house that the kids won't be doing it behind their back. We were all kids once, you should know that it just goes on behind the parent's back instead and it's rather naive to think otherwise!"

Maybe those of us not allowing sex in our house for 16 year olds were those kids who did not have sex until we were in committed long term relationships.
And yes.....our children are not us, and they may make different decisions in life but do not assume, just because you were having sex at 16 that all your children will be.
My brother had a best friend who told him at his wedding( he was his best man) that he was so jealous of my brother growing up with clear boundaries, as his parents had let him do just what he liked and he totally regretted much of it .

I really think that being pragmatic in this situation will serve you well. You have had a very sensible and measured conversation, and I am sure that although awkward, this would have been well received, although that might not have been apparent by the reaction.

I think the 'not in our house' thing has been misunderstood by some. I don't want to assume, but for me it it was very much not about sex (which is natural, nice and shouldn't be shamed) but about the intimacy in relation to the rest of the household.

When I was in this situation I spoke with DS's GF's DM and we agreed boundaries which we could manage across both houses. This didn't mean that we didn't think that they wouldn't be having sex in both homes, but that we would both require a certain amount of respect and courtesy towards others in the home. We also had open conversations about contraception, and made sure condoms were available. This was four years ago, they are still together, both very open with us all, and enjoying a healthy sex life. As a PP said, I now have an extra daughter.

Good luck OP - there is no handbook!