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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

when your eldest starts having sex, I'm trying to adjust....

139 replies

morekidsthanhands1 · 28/05/2022 15:19

so my eldest DS is 16, and has a new GF. Great timing with gcse's but whatever. anyway they have been together a few weeks now and i have met her and she seems very sweet, also 16. Phew!
I found a packet of condoms (open ,3 missing) in his drawer this week, so waited till exams over this week and today i just asked if i could talk to him and basically just said i had found the condoms and did this mean what i thought. He got shy about it but said yes he was having sex. I asked then if this was first time, turns out he had a one night stand few months ago but nothing since. Asked all the usual , are you being safe, kind, respectful. Is she ok, def no pressure, is she on any other contraception, do her parents know or not? Also quick STI chat. He was pretty open and also slightly having banter with me about it. I just said at the end that he can't have sex with her in my house, i have younger children and the relationship is new, I said give it time for that to be allowed. I don't know if that's reasonable or not! I know he will do it but i cant exactly give my blessing just yet, plus i dont think her parents know so I def wouldn't want to go against anything they thought. I did say it would be good if she had a chat with her mum and got proper contraception and told her but he is a boy and not sure he will have that conversation with her! I told him, i am sorry but i am finding it hard to get my head around it all, to me you are my baby and i am just not prepared for this information. I need to get used to the fact he isn't a child anymore but a young adult and as he said , legal! God why is raising teens so difficult. Pls can anyone help me navigate this is a positive way and what i should say and do and did anyone else find it really hard to accept their child was having sex? I know it may sound silly but i just feel a sense of grief and loss. Probs being a menopausal hormonal mess, that def doesnt help but looking for words of wisdom from other teen mums/dads

OP posts:
RosieRooster83 · 28/05/2022 16:01

I agree with you regards not letting him do it in your home. He is of legal age and whilst it is still too young in my opinion, it's his choice at that age but also your choice what you allow in your house. My children are 18 and almost 16 and I wouldn't allow either to have sex in my house. Thankfully I'm not at that point yet though as neither are sexually active.

toastedbagiel · 28/05/2022 16:04

I know it may sound silly but i just feel a sense of grief and loss.

This is actually ridiculous. Have a cup of tea and calm down OP.

duvet · 28/05/2022 16:05

It sounds like you had an open conversation with him, so well done and I think it's fair enough to have the rule no sex in the house, a few of my parent friends also have the same rule and none of them are religious, just varying reasons. IMO it's a respectful expectation.

OnaBegonia · 28/05/2022 16:05

Firstly; why did you go through his drawers?
Secondly;where do you suggest they go? the park?
Really you need to get a grip and calm down and mind your own business.

JustLyra · 28/05/2022 16:06

A 16 year old should be able to keep condoms in their drawer without a parent finding them.

I also don’t subscribe to the “not under my roof” set up either. Obviously just anecdotal, but almost every teen pregnancy I know of was quick, risky sex with little time and I’m convinced it contributed to those pregnancies. Mine are allowed to have boyfriends/girlfriends in their bedrooms at 16 and the rules are as they always are - the rest of the house don’t want to hear your activities, be they PlayStation, shit music, tv shows or sex. So if you can’t keep the noise down you wait until everyone is out.

With the amount of pressure on young people to have sex, and to do more and more porn-style things, I also feel they are safer (especially my girls) at home where they can shout for help if they ever need it (hopefully not).

RosieRooster83 · 28/05/2022 16:07

OnaBegonia · 28/05/2022 16:05

Firstly; why did you go through his drawers?
Secondly;where do you suggest they go? the park?
Really you need to get a grip and calm down and mind your own business.

It's her house though! I personally wouldn't go through my kids drawers at their age but not letting them have sex in her house, she absolutely has the right to have that rule.

NotAScoobyToBeSeen · 28/05/2022 16:15

@RosieRooster83 it is his home too, does he not have the right to have sex in a safe place? His own bedroom?

RosieRooster83 · 28/05/2022 16:20

@NotAScoobyToBeSeen In my opinion, no. I accept everyone has different rules in their home but if OP is not comfortable with it then she has every right to enforce it.

Her son lives in the house but he doesn't own the home or pay the rent.

Knifer · 28/05/2022 16:22

Ew, counting his condoms and quizzing him.

Obviously he's having sex. The "not in my house" thing is so ridiculous. Guarantee he's been having sex with himself in his bedroom for many years, but you've not put anti wank mittens on the lad, have you? Don't you remember how fun and intoxicating and utterly irresistible sex can be when you first start having it? The only thing he's harming is your delicate sensibilities and inability to accept that he can do what he wants with his penis if he's been given free consent to do so. You want them shagging on park benches or in local woodland? 'Cause that's what will happen. Hormones and hot blood are surging and there's nothing you can do to prevent that. Far better in their homes than getting a citation for public lewdness at 16 years old!

NotAScoobyToBeSeen · 28/05/2022 16:23

I think that's a really sad way to treat your children. So if he got a job and started contributing would it then be ok for him to have sex under your roof, or is it just the fact you cant get over it?!

PegasusReturns · 28/05/2022 16:23

Just leave them to it, really you’re overthinking and reacting a bit weirdly.

KyaClark · 28/05/2022 16:27

You asked him a load of questions and then told him you weren't prepared for the information?

Knifer · 28/05/2022 16:27

NotAScoobyToBeSeen · 28/05/2022 16:23

I think that's a really sad way to treat your children. So if he got a job and started contributing would it then be ok for him to have sex under your roof, or is it just the fact you cant get over it?!

Exactly. Does he have to literally make a bank transfer to be allowed to shag his girlfriend in his own bed? I don't understand the attitude at all.

RosieRooster83 · 28/05/2022 16:32

@Knifer Each to their own but the OP is allowed to have that rule. I stayed with my dad in his house when I was a teen (around 18) and I was engaged but me and fiancé still had to sleep in separate rooms. It was his house so I respected that.

WonderingWanda · 28/05/2022 16:32

Why do you think condom's aren't 'proper' contraception' I will be telling my son to use condom every single time rather than relying on a teenage girl to take the pill reliably.

persephone19 · 28/05/2022 16:33

WonderingWanda · 28/05/2022 16:32

Why do you think condom's aren't 'proper' contraception' I will be telling my son to use condom every single time rather than relying on a teenage girl to take the pill reliably.

The typical use failure rate worries me (10+%). I've advised my DS to double Dutch as I'm too young to be a granny.

WhatsOnYourToast · 28/05/2022 16:36

Teenagers WILL have sex almost anywhere.

I would reconsider the not under my roof thing. Better than being caught in school toilets during maths, behind the bike shed, in a woods or wherever they can think of.

Can be hard they're growing up, hopefully he is turning into a great man which will hopefully make it easier. In 2 years he'll be a fully grown man, I think it's time to back off a bit.

It is definitely a new era when your children are adults/ nearly adults but you will find your feet. Maybe studying or a hobby might help you ground your feet in the new world

Floralnomad · 28/05/2022 16:38

We didn’t allow overnight stays unless it was a long term partner but didn’t police what our eldest did post 16 so he could have had sex at any time up until my 1/2 am curfew for casual guests . The reason I didn’t allow casual staying over is because our younger child has severe anxiety and would have freaked out if she bumped into a strange man ( our son is gay ) on the landing in the middle of the night . The actual thought of him being sexually active doesn’t phase me , he’s extremely sensible and very hot on testing / vaccinations and safe sex .

ineedafairygodmother · 28/05/2022 16:39

I agree with@JustLyra
If they are 'forced' to have sex elsewhere, will they have the condoms with them at that very moment? Or would it be more possible for them to risk it without them because OP son left them in his bedroom drawer?
They are both the legal age of 16yrs, have thought (and purchased) contraception and the son was quite open to talk to OP about it so IMO they are being quite sensible and safe.
If it was my DD/DS I'd rather they were safe than risk all other possibilities

HikingforScenery · 28/05/2022 16:42

NrlySp · 28/05/2022 15:52

It’s your house and your rules. So yes of course it is fine. You may also want to discuss the possibility of a baby and the choices that then would have to be made. Also that as a boy if his GF did get pregnant he may have very little say over what happens to the pregnancy’s. And the reality of beeing a teenage Dad.
All These things should be discussed imo. They are realities that teens don’t think off. Their brains are not fully developed.

I agree with this

AngelinaFibres · 28/05/2022 16:48

vdbfamily · 28/05/2022 15:56

Personally I think the most important thing a young make should understand properly is that even with a condom, every time he has sex could result in a pregnancy. Is he mature enough to be a dad and if not, should he really be having sex? It is below average age for starting to have sex and I think knowing the circumstances are really important.

You don't have any teens do you

HikingforScenery · 28/05/2022 16:51

WhatsOnYourToast · 28/05/2022 16:36

Teenagers WILL have sex almost anywhere.

I would reconsider the not under my roof thing. Better than being caught in school toilets during maths, behind the bike shed, in a woods or wherever they can think of.

Can be hard they're growing up, hopefully he is turning into a great man which will hopefully make it easier. In 2 years he'll be a fully grown man, I think it's time to back off a bit.

It is definitely a new era when your children are adults/ nearly adults but you will find your feet. Maybe studying or a hobby might help you ground your feet in the new world

An 18 year is old is an duly, sure but but “a fully grown man”.

orangeisthenewpuce · 28/05/2022 16:54

WhatsOnYourToast · 28/05/2022 16:36

Teenagers WILL have sex almost anywhere.

I would reconsider the not under my roof thing. Better than being caught in school toilets during maths, behind the bike shed, in a woods or wherever they can think of.

Can be hard they're growing up, hopefully he is turning into a great man which will hopefully make it easier. In 2 years he'll be a fully grown man, I think it's time to back off a bit.

It is definitely a new era when your children are adults/ nearly adults but you will find your feet. Maybe studying or a hobby might help you ground your feet in the new world

In all my years of working with teenagers and in schools I have never known of any who have had sex on school grounds. If you do, good god, where on earth do you live.

Whitehorsegirl · 28/05/2022 17:24

You waited until your son was sixteen to have a chat with him about safe sex and relationships? you are going through his stuff?

I would really expect parents by now to be sensible enough to have responsible chats with their kids earlier on rather than acting surprised than a 16 year old is having sex.

He is not a child either and you should respect his privacy.

Also do you expect them to have sex at the girl's house? do it outside and risk getting caught?

It does worry me that so many parents just don't seem to be able to deal with something which is completely natural and part of become a young adult in a mature way to be honest.

RosieRooster83 · 28/05/2022 17:26

@Whitehorsegirl People have different beliefs and what's acceptable for one family won't be acceptable for another. My reasons for not allowing it have a religious component but my husband is non religious and he is of the same mind.