when your eldest starts having sex, I'm trying to adjust....

[morekidsthanhands1]

so my eldest DS is 16, and has a new GF. Great timing with gcse's but whatever. anyway they have been together a few weeks now and i have met her and she seems very sweet, also 16. Phew!
I found a packet of condoms (open ,3 missing) in his drawer this week, so waited till exams over this week and today i just asked if i could talk to him and basically just said i had found the condoms and did this mean what i thought. He got shy about it but said yes he was having sex. I asked then if this was first time, turns out he had a one night stand few months ago but nothing since. Asked all the usual , are you being safe, kind, respectful. Is she ok, def no pressure, is she on any other contraception, do her parents know or not? Also quick STI chat. He was pretty open and also slightly having banter with me about it. I just said at the end that he can't have sex with her in my house, i have younger children and the relationship is new, I said give it time for that to be allowed. I don't know if that's reasonable or not! I know he will do it but i cant exactly give my blessing just yet, plus i dont think her parents know so I def wouldn't want to go against anything they thought. I did say it would be good if she had a chat with her mum and got proper contraception and told her but he is a boy and not sure he will have that conversation with her! I told him, i am sorry but i am finding it hard to get my head around it all, to me you are my baby and i am just not prepared for this information. I need to get used to the fact he isn't a child anymore but a young adult and as he said , legal! God why is raising teens so difficult. Pls can anyone help me navigate this is a positive way and what i should say and do and did anyone else find it really hard to accept their child was having sex? I know it may sound silly but i just feel a sense of grief and loss. Probs being a menopausal hormonal mess, that def doesnt help but looking for words of wisdom from other teen mums/dads

@morekidsthanhands1

Sorry, that was directed at you OP. I have read ALL posts.
I haven't said anything that hundreds of other posters haven't said, but you clearly don't wanna hear it.
I think you owe me an apology.

And yes I've faced this with ds1, but I was happy for him to have safe sex in our house.

Woah. I know. I was sticking up for you. It was OP that was having a pop.

X post 😆

You're over reacting. They will have sex whether you approve or not, so just be there for him if he has any questions
They're using condoms so theyre being responsible.

Well, you asked how other parents have navigated this. Personally I hope I have equipped my teens to make the right decisions and am available if they come unstuck. This is the time to back off.
Whether or not her parents know is immaterial. At this point it’s her life and body and up to her if she wants to share that with then.
I don’t mind girlfriends staying over (DS is older but I’ve always taken the same approach) but I don’t want him bringing randoms home.
At some point you have to let them make their own way in life and be there in the back seat to guide them if they want.

Ds is in his first (that I am aware of) sexual relationship, and I think some of your questions to him are quite intrusive and you need to step back.

Make sure he knows about consent, contraception and where to go to get it , sexual health and that he can initiate a talk with you if he wants to. Then leave them be.

I haven't banned or condoned ds having sex at home, he is upstairs with her often enough it is likely he is but they have been considerate enough that it isnt obvious and if I really needed to talk to him I would text him to pop down rather than knocking on his door.

My biggest worries were to check he wasn't flushing anything down the loo he shouldn't be and that he washed his bedding often enough 🤣

As you have younger children at home I would perhaps tell him if he wants he can put a lock on his bedroom door, or he can invest in a door wedge for privacy.

What about the girlfriend's house? See what her parents have to say about it?

Well, you asked how other parents have navigated this.

I think OP question was mainly about how people have navigated it for them not for the teen. OP is concerned about her acceptance of him having sex.

Re not allowing him to have sex in your house... good luck with that relationship as he continues into adulthood.

Please stop going through his drawers. You say you have no secrets and you weren't snooping, but a 16 year old needs privacy. At least ask him first to go through his drawers fgs. My mum went through my drawers and snooped a lot until I moved out (21) and it was such an invasion of privacy even if you have nothing to hide.

Step back from him and let him get on with it. He's being safe and using condoms.

It doesn't affect the adult/child relationship from my experience. It's teaching children/young adults about rules and learning to respect them.

Glad to read that he is aware of and uses contraception. My view is that given the younger children in your family, I agree with the 'not in my house'.

I think you seem to have covered all the bases op. I often have to look through DD’s drawers to retrieve all of my products that she has ‘borrowed’ and not returned! She obviously has no qualms above looking through mine.