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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ex trying to persuade son to live with him

144 replies

planetme · 16/05/2022 00:35

My son has informed me his dad, my ex, is trying to persuade him to live with him full time when he starts A levels in September.

I am absolutely floored.
The bastard has done absolutely no real parenting since he was born. I left him when my son was 3 months old because he was emotionally, financially and physically abusive which got worse during my pregnancy. He pushed me downstairs when I was 6 month pregnant and constantly bullied me mentally. Having my son - ironically - gave me the strength to leave.

Initially he had zero interest in seeing him, it was obvious a baby was too much hard work. He visited sporadically and paid absolutely nothing. When our son was two he moved hundreds of miles away for a new relationship and barely saw him (his choice).

He returned after a couple of years and we made a regular arrangement for access. but has never, ever paid the full amount of child support Despite having a very well paid profession

Me and my husband have brought my son up emotionally and financially. We have done ALL the hard parts of parenting and done absolutely everything for him. While his dad does the absolute bare minimum and is the most tight fisted bastard I've ever known . I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s taken him for a day out or spent money on him other than his pitiful amount of "maintenance" . He gets no pocket money, no treats. All that comes from me

I am almost certain ex only wants him now because then he will legitimately be able to pay no child maintenance. If his (declared 🧐) earnings are less than 50k he can get the child benefit too

The thing is ex is very good at manipulating people, so I may as well just accept this is happening as I’ve got no chance. He will sell the idea to my son as if it’s the best idea ever. It goes without saying I've said to my son it's ok if he decides staying with his dad is best. I don't want to try and influence him, he's got to do what he feels is right for him. Despite my ex being shit I've never once bad mouthed him in my sons presence, and always facilitated a relationship. He - of course - has no idea of the abuse I experienced at the hands of his dad

But I'm heartbroken . I can't sleep

I also have children with my current husband who would be upset if their brother didn't live with us.

OP posts:
Tamzo85 · 16/05/2022 05:49

But aren’t you trying to persuade your son to live with you as well?

ClaryFairchild · 16/05/2022 06:10

Why are you not doing everything in your power to protect your DS? That includes telling him what financial support you have/have not received from your ex, and the fact that he has a side that isn't so "lovely". Stop trying to be the "fair" parent, your ex isn't being fair, and he's no doubt persuading your DS of all sorts of crap.

LetitiaLeghorn · 16/05/2022 06:11

I think a lot of children when they get to 16 think about living with the other parent. The grass is always greener and all that. It's absolutely nothing personal against you but kids are quite selfish creatures that will always look to their own interests first.
If he decides that's what he wants, I'd make sure he had a key to yours (I'm sure he already has one) and tell him can come and let himself in and out as he wants. He'll soon discover whether his father is someone he wants to live with or not. Him being able to split his time between homes at his own convenience will make it easier for him to gradually move home without losing face or feeling disloyal to his dad.

Original poster
planetme · 16/05/2022 06:23

Tamzo85 · 16/05/2022 05:49

But aren’t you trying to persuade your son to live with you as well?

No. I don't want to put any pressure him

I've said that whatever he wants to do has my blessing and he'll always have a home here.

Even though it is killing me inside

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 16/05/2022 06:27

Your son is old enough now to know the truth. I would sit him down and tell him exactly what happened and tell him how manipulative his dad is. He needs the full information if he's going to go to live with him. I've no idea why you're saying it's a free choice but not giving him the full information. Fight for your child for God's sake!

Original poster
planetme · 16/05/2022 06:29

ClaryFairchild · 16/05/2022 06:10

Why are you not doing everything in your power to protect your DS? That includes telling him what financial support you have/have not received from your ex, and the fact that he has a side that isn't so "lovely". Stop trying to be the "fair" parent, your ex isn't being fair, and he's no doubt persuading your DS of all sorts of crap.

Do you think I should? I have kept it from him to protect him - so he doesn't know his dad finds it acceptable to constantly short change his own own child

But part of me does think he should know. I'm so confused

OP posts:
Tamzo85 · 16/05/2022 06:34

@planetme

If the father has some custody and wanted more and you are thinking telling your son about the child support you didn’t get will change his mind your probably wrong. If anything that may come off as you wouldn’t give his father more time with him but wanted the money. I’m not sure that will seem especially sympathetic especially to a boy who can probably identify with the fathers side of things more.

keep in mind that at 16 your son will have seen many parents friends divorce and fathers who weren’t abusive end up out of the house and seeing their kids less and paying child support - as a boy he may identify with the male side of things in that equation and feel that it’s been unfair on his father. Of course he can’t know or understand the truth of your early breakup and the reasons for it.

cptartapp · 16/05/2022 06:40

He needs to know the truth about his dad so he can make an informed decision. He's an adult. Treat him like one.

Cherrysoup · 16/05/2022 06:42

Of course you should try to do everything possible to persuade him to stay with you! What if he gets violent with your ds? What if the tight fisted behaviour continues? Or he emotionally abuses him? You can’t just give him your blessing! Time for him to learn some hard truths about his sperm donor.

olympicsrock · 16/05/2022 06:46

At 16 he needs to know the truth so he can protect t himself and make an informed decision

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 16/05/2022 06:49

I’d tell him gently what went on so he has the full picture before he makes a decision. I wouldn’t be letting my son go and live with an abuser as a role model for his future relationships!

Original poster
planetme · 16/05/2022 06:58

I am so confused ....

I've not even slept ...I'm exhausted

OP posts:
PutinIsAWarCriminal · 16/05/2022 06:59

I agree about the truth but be careful and drip feed. The start of his GCSEs isn't the time for emotional turmoil.
If his dad has been absent or unavailable for much of his life he is going to want to get to know him properly now that he is becoming a man, but he still needs to be protected.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 16/05/2022 07:01

You would be crazy not to fight for your son. You are currently making him feeel you don’t care if he goes to live with his dad. That will make him feel rejected. Why would you do that? Tell him you love and would be devastated if he did. And tell him his Dad has been unsupportive and violent and you have protected him from that.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 16/05/2022 07:04

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 16/05/2022 07:01

You would be crazy not to fight for your son. You are currently making him feeel you don’t care if he goes to live with his dad. That will make him feel rejected. Why would you do that? Tell him you love and would be devastated if he did. And tell him his Dad has been unsupportive and violent and you have protected him from that.

This ^^ absolutely.
Will your ex expect you to pay child support if your DS lives with him?

5zeds · 16/05/2022 07:05

Have they ever spent a week together?

Original poster
planetme · 16/05/2022 07:05

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 16/05/2022 06:59

I agree about the truth but be careful and drip feed. The start of his GCSEs isn't the time for emotional turmoil.
If his dad has been absent or unavailable for much of his life he is going to want to get to know him properly now that he is becoming a man, but he still needs to be protected.

This is why I haven't put any pressure on him, because he's about to do GCSEs

And I can't believe his dad is trying to make him make massive life decisions at this crucial stage in his education

OP posts:
DeskInUse · 16/05/2022 07:07

I'm sorry you're going through this op, it's awful isn't it. My dd is 14 and I'm in a similar position, she's just started staying with my ex for 50% of the time. I'm gutted in all honesty, as like you, he had next to no involvement during the hard bits of parenting, and now she's easier and he has a new gf and her kids stay 50% of the time, he now wants her. I know it's all financially driven too.

I've no advice either tbh, he was also abusive towards me and my dd knows nothing of this, I'm letting it run its course and I'll be there for her when she needs me, but I think she now needs to learn that he's not always the Disney Dad she thinks he is.

I've no real advice really, I'm not sure telling him what happened is a good idea, sometimes these men get out on a pedestal by their dc and by telling him you'll just look like the big bad wolf. Just be there for him, leave the door open for him if he does go. One thing, if he does have him 100% would you have to pay him child maint?

Original poster
planetme · 16/05/2022 07:08

@YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp well I suppose he would yes, so that would be another added financial bonus for him

The money isn't an issue - dh and I earn well and (unlike his dad) I've no problem financially supporting the children I create. I've paid the lions share since my son was born anyway

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 16/05/2022 07:12

Cherrysoup · 16/05/2022 06:42

Of course you should try to do everything possible to persuade him to stay with you! What if he gets violent with your ds? What if the tight fisted behaviour continues? Or he emotionally abuses him? You can’t just give him your blessing! Time for him to learn some hard truths about his sperm donor.

I agree with this. You can't just let your son go and live with someone who pushed you down the stairs without warning him.

Original poster
planetme · 16/05/2022 07:15

I do want to add I've never once had reason to think my ex would be violent towards my son.

OP posts:
Isaidnoalready · 16/05/2022 07:20

Tell him not to decide until his gcses are over and tell him the truth ffs my son is 13 he has been protected from his dad most his life but I still tell him some things because he deserves to know the man he is so protective about seeing is a nasty vicious cunt (although I dont tell him that part)

maddening · 16/05/2022 07:23

He should be able to make this decision with his eyes wide open, understanding who this man is and that he is a manipulative person and abusive. He is 16, he is old enough to know the truth.

And you are allowed to tell him that you would prefer him to stay with you

maddening · 16/05/2022 07:27

Or offer 50/50 so it is not such a huge decision and then no maintenance is due to either side.

mumonthehill · 16/05/2022 07:34

You say to your ds, there are things I want to tell you, things you need to understand, we will sit down together after your exams. Then you are honest. For one thing he needs to see what an amazing and brave mum you are for taking him away from his df who was abusive.

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