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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ex trying to persuade son to live with him

144 replies

planetme · 16/05/2022 00:35

My son has informed me his dad, my ex, is trying to persuade him to live with him full time when he starts A levels in September.

I am absolutely floored.
The bastard has done absolutely no real parenting since he was born. I left him when my son was 3 months old because he was emotionally, financially and physically abusive which got worse during my pregnancy. He pushed me downstairs when I was 6 month pregnant and constantly bullied me mentally. Having my son - ironically - gave me the strength to leave.

Initially he had zero interest in seeing him, it was obvious a baby was too much hard work. He visited sporadically and paid absolutely nothing. When our son was two he moved hundreds of miles away for a new relationship and barely saw him (his choice).

He returned after a couple of years and we made a regular arrangement for access. but has never, ever paid the full amount of child support Despite having a very well paid profession

Me and my husband have brought my son up emotionally and financially. We have done ALL the hard parts of parenting and done absolutely everything for him. While his dad does the absolute bare minimum and is the most tight fisted bastard I've ever known . I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s taken him for a day out or spent money on him other than his pitiful amount of "maintenance" . He gets no pocket money, no treats. All that comes from me

I am almost certain ex only wants him now because then he will legitimately be able to pay no child maintenance. If his (declared 🧐) earnings are less than 50k he can get the child benefit too

The thing is ex is very good at manipulating people, so I may as well just accept this is happening as I’ve got no chance. He will sell the idea to my son as if it’s the best idea ever. It goes without saying I've said to my son it's ok if he decides staying with his dad is best. I don't want to try and influence him, he's got to do what he feels is right for him. Despite my ex being shit I've never once bad mouthed him in my sons presence, and always facilitated a relationship. He - of course - has no idea of the abuse I experienced at the hands of his dad

But I'm heartbroken . I can't sleep

I also have children with my current husband who would be upset if their brother didn't live with us.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 16/05/2022 07:35

planetme · 16/05/2022 07:15

I do want to add I've never once had reason to think my ex would be violent towards my son.

The fact that he had it in him to push a pregnant woman down the stairs is reason enough!

picklemewalnuts · 16/05/2022 07:44

Protecting your son involves giving him all the information he needs to make a decision.

You can protect him from his dad's behaviour, but not from who his dad is.

Tell him you'll help him decide after his exams, and that right now he needs to focus on exams.

When you do talk about it, say it would be sensible to gradually increase the length of his visits rather than moving house.

Tell him you are concerned because when you lived with his father, his behaviour was dangerous and erratic and that's why you had to leave.

Tell him that when he started having more contact with his dad he was older so would have been able to tell you if his dad was behaving badly, and that you have always listened carefully in case he was in danger.

LannieDuck · 16/05/2022 07:56

planetme · 16/05/2022 07:15

I do want to add I've never once had reason to think my ex would be violent towards my son.

Did you think he would push you down the stairs? And yet he did.

I'm not a fan of the whole 'don't say anything bad to the children about the abusive ex-partner'. It's effectively lying to them, and they should be able to trust their primary caregiver.

There's a big difference between bad-mouthing the ex, and being age-appropriately truthful about them.

Beamur · 16/05/2022 08:02

I would say let's talk about this after the exams.
But I would then tell him some of what you have said here - that you've never tried to interfere with their relationship but before moving in with Dad he should know a bit more about how he has behaved before.

BadNomad · 16/05/2022 08:03

And I can't believe his dad is trying to make him make massive life decisions at this crucial stage in his education

Don't let him. Your son needs stability at this stage of his education. That stability is with you. You can say no. There is no benefit to moving homes at this point.

bloodyunicorns · 16/05/2022 08:06

Your ex plays unfair. I'd also play unfair. I'd tell your ds just how unsupportive your ex has been, tell him about the lack of maintenance, tell him why you think he wants him to live with him, point out how much you and your h have done for your ex. He's old enough to have the full picture.

I'd also say how much you love him and how upset you will all be if he moves out. He's old enough for that too.

Practicalities: is ex's house just as convenient for school/sixth form college?

bloodyunicorns · 16/05/2022 08:08

But shelve everything until after GCSEs! Support dc through them and keep things on an even keel for now. Good luck.

LetitiaLeghorn · 16/05/2022 08:10

I don't think I'd tell him. He has an opinion of what his dad is like. You telling him he was abusive because you don't want him to move out could very easily sound like manipulation and turn him against you. If his father is no good, he'll find that out himself soon enough and he'll know it's the truth rather than him wondering if you're exaggerating to get him to stay.

Devotedcatslave · 16/05/2022 08:11

I don't think you should go as far as some people are suggesting, but I do think you should tell your DS you have reservations about him moving in with his Dad, and give him some general reasons why. He must have seen that his Dad was not that interested or involved.

I think it really needs a fairly grown up discussion between you and your DS about why you don't think it would be good for him to move now, but without resorting to giving him a blow by blow account of every bad thing your ex has done over the years.

aSofaNearYou · 16/05/2022 08:14

LetitiaLeghorn · 16/05/2022 08:10

I don't think I'd tell him. He has an opinion of what his dad is like. You telling him he was abusive because you don't want him to move out could very easily sound like manipulation and turn him against you. If his father is no good, he'll find that out himself soon enough and he'll know it's the truth rather than him wondering if you're exaggerating to get him to stay.

What, he'll find out for himself when he gets pushed down the stairs? There are some things that are more important than a child having a nice perception of their parent or you looking good in their eyes, and this kind of violence is one of them.

Catcrazy83 · 16/05/2022 08:17

Just say no! Why would you let your son think this is his own decision? Tell ex to take to you court if he wants son full time, tell ex son will then find out all the details you’ve yet to tell him. Doubt he’d put his hand in his pocket anyway. I can’t believe your approach to this tbh

rookiemere · 16/05/2022 08:22

I think you're right to not tackle this until DS is through his exams.

I'd stick with what you said originally that DS is free to live where he chooses and you will always love him anyway, but - once exams over - you could maybe say that you feel sad and worried as his DF didn't step up to the plate when he was younger and you don't want DS to get hurt.

ReadyToMoveIt · 16/05/2022 08:27

Catcrazy83 · 16/05/2022 08:17

Just say no! Why would you let your son think this is his own decision? Tell ex to take to you court if he wants son full time, tell ex son will then find out all the details you’ve yet to tell him. Doubt he’d put his hand in his pocket anyway. I can’t believe your approach to this tbh

At 16, the court would take the child’s wishes into account.
I feel for you OP, it’s a really hard position to be in. I understand you not wanting to tell him what went on, but I think you need to make sure your son knows you have serious reservations about him moving in with him.
How far from you does he live?

knockyknees · 16/05/2022 08:34

It woud be extremely irresponsible to hand your child over to a known abuser, especially if DS is unaware of the danger he could be in.

He needs to know what his father is really like. Tell DS that you'll discuss this more once the exams are over and then tell him the truth about his waste of space father.

ShandaLear · 16/05/2022 08:36

OP, your DS is about to start his GCSEs - today or tomorrow. Tell him you want to park this conversation until after his GCSEs and then you can talk about it further. I wouldn’t say anything that would upset his equilibrium now. The last thing he needs at the moment is to learn that his father abused his mother - there is time for that later.

Catcrazy83 · 16/05/2022 08:46

Yes the court would listen to what the son wants. When it gets to court. I doubt the ex would take it that far, considering the op said he’s been basically absent for 16 years

Pinkyxx · 16/05/2022 08:46

The court would be extremely unlikely to make any order for a 16 year old.

Your son has told you that his father is trying to make him move in with him, you don't say your son had indicated he wants to do what his father is asking. I can understand you worry his father will manipulate him into doing what he wants however I think you're right to tell him that it's his decision and you'll support him. He may surprise you and have already picked up on his father's character. Children pick up on more than we realise. For now his GCSE matter the most so park the discussion, at most say we can discuss further after your exams.

In terms of the the abuse, I don't think you should offer this information. If your son asks you directly, then an age appropriate truthful response is only fair.

Northernparent68 · 16/05/2022 08:52

50/50 is a good idea, or suggest he spend the summer with his father first. Telling him the history could easily backfire on you.

notagamer · 16/05/2022 08:54

I doubt it will be about saving maintenance
he won’t be paying much on that salary for one child

and he will be providing a permanent home for his son - that will cost a heck of a lot more than whatever he pays in CM

Butchyrestingface · 16/05/2022 08:55

Can't think of any scenario where it would be considered acceptable to allow a vulnerable person (in this case, your son, a child) to go and live with a person who has form for being violent and abusive to those weaker than himself, without at least warning them of the potential dangers involved.

Imagine if your son comes to harm at the hands of his father. Not exactly difficult to imagine the mask may slip once he has his son actually living with him. And then the boy finds out that you knew all the while what his father was like because he did the same to you, years ago.

notagamer · 16/05/2022 08:56

And just seen he actually hardly pays you

so this WON’T be about money

notagamer · 16/05/2022 08:57

i am afraid to say op that you will NOT be able to control this. Nor will there be any family court involvement whatsoever.

your son is free to move out - whether to live with his father or live with the neighbour four days down!

Cyw2018 · 16/05/2022 09:04

If your son is old enough to move 200miles away, he is old enough to hear the truth. Ask your son if he can wait until after his GCSEs are over to make any decision, as now is not the time for him to be dwelling on it, this also buys you time. Once his exams are over, sit down with him and explain his Dads behaviour before and after he was born, and explain why you have kept it from him. Explain the red flags that your son needs to look out for should he still choose to go.

LetitiaLeghorn · 16/05/2022 09:04

aSofaNearYou · 16/05/2022 08:14

What, he'll find out for himself when he gets pushed down the stairs? There are some things that are more important than a child having a nice perception of their parent or you looking good in their eyes, and this kind of violence is one of them.

Show quote history

Oh, get a grip. First of all the violence was a long time ago. He's been in his sons life with regular contact since he was 4 or 5 and has never been violent towards him. But most of all, the op, who has been an excellent protective mother, says she has no concern about that.

notagamer · 16/05/2022 09:06

Butchyrestingface · 16/05/2022 08:55

Can't think of any scenario where it would be considered acceptable to allow a vulnerable person (in this case, your son, a child) to go and live with a person who has form for being violent and abusive to those weaker than himself, without at least warning them of the potential dangers involved.

Imagine if your son comes to harm at the hands of his father. Not exactly difficult to imagine the mask may slip once he has his son actually living with him. And then the boy finds out that you knew all the while what his father was like because he did the same to you, years ago.

Well, this scenario

is a 16byear old wants to move out and in to his father’s home - that is completely his preogative

added to which the op doesn’t say whether the abuse from 16 years ago the father was convicted and found guilty. If not, then historical allegations

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