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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ex trying to persuade son to live with him

144 replies

planetme · 16/05/2022 00:35

My son has informed me his dad, my ex, is trying to persuade him to live with him full time when he starts A levels in September.

I am absolutely floored.
The bastard has done absolutely no real parenting since he was born. I left him when my son was 3 months old because he was emotionally, financially and physically abusive which got worse during my pregnancy. He pushed me downstairs when I was 6 month pregnant and constantly bullied me mentally. Having my son - ironically - gave me the strength to leave.

Initially he had zero interest in seeing him, it was obvious a baby was too much hard work. He visited sporadically and paid absolutely nothing. When our son was two he moved hundreds of miles away for a new relationship and barely saw him (his choice).

He returned after a couple of years and we made a regular arrangement for access. but has never, ever paid the full amount of child support Despite having a very well paid profession

Me and my husband have brought my son up emotionally and financially. We have done ALL the hard parts of parenting and done absolutely everything for him. While his dad does the absolute bare minimum and is the most tight fisted bastard I've ever known . I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s taken him for a day out or spent money on him other than his pitiful amount of "maintenance" . He gets no pocket money, no treats. All that comes from me

I am almost certain ex only wants him now because then he will legitimately be able to pay no child maintenance. If his (declared 🧐) earnings are less than 50k he can get the child benefit too

The thing is ex is very good at manipulating people, so I may as well just accept this is happening as I’ve got no chance. He will sell the idea to my son as if it’s the best idea ever. It goes without saying I've said to my son it's ok if he decides staying with his dad is best. I don't want to try and influence him, he's got to do what he feels is right for him. Despite my ex being shit I've never once bad mouthed him in my sons presence, and always facilitated a relationship. He - of course - has no idea of the abuse I experienced at the hands of his dad

But I'm heartbroken . I can't sleep

I also have children with my current husband who would be upset if their brother didn't live with us.

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 17/05/2022 08:57

Exams, not eyes!

GabriellaMontez · 17/05/2022 08:59

Tell him not to give this anymore thought until after his exams. Then you will discuss it in detail. It's also OK to say "you're dad shouldn't be asking you this at this stage in your life. Your focus should be on your exams. It's not the time for big decisions."

Then let him know the truth. Facts, figures and dates. Not too emotional. And absolutely let him know how wanted he is. Stop supporting the deception that his dad is a great guy who would be good to live with.

fUNNYfACE36 · 17/05/2022 09:00

September is over 3 months away. I think it ghiswere a serious proposition he would ve going thete as soon as exams were over. Are you sure your ds isnt just playing you so hr can get away with more

GabriellaMontez · 17/05/2022 09:03

You know your ex will be trying to claim child maintenance off you?

CheekyHobson · 17/05/2022 09:24

What has your son said he thinks about the idea? What does he think of his father? He must have noticed he isn’t around much - is he surprised that his dad wants him to live with him now? What does your son think might be different or better about living with his dad?

I would encourage your son to firstly wait until his exams are done before moving. Emphasize that his schooling is the most important thing and you’re sure his dad will understand that. Then just talk to him over time. Tell him that it’s completely his decision and although you would miss him a lot, you understand he may want to spend time getting to know his father by living with him. Your door would always be open if he found it wasn’t working for him though.

Does your son understand what emotional and financial abuse are? Does he know how to walk away from a conflict that’s escalating? If you’re hesitating to tell him the truth about his father, at least make sure he’s prepared in a generic way to recognize his father’s strategies and have the confidence to stand up against them or walk away.

notagamer · 17/05/2022 09:31

I think it wouldn't surprise him given that he is fully aware his dad never buys him anything or takes him anywhere. He is always tight with birthday gifts, and actually after his recent birthday my son actually mentioned he was disappointed with his dads lack of effort and how cheap the gift was. He is aware his dad has a very well paid job.

so your son is aware of all this and yet still considering moving in with him?

what is your son’s relationship like with your partner?

and does he have any siblings at yours or his father’s?

notagamer · 17/05/2022 09:32

Op

it doesn’t sound as though there’s many “pull” factors for your son to move in with his father

so the question then is, are there any “push” factors?

notagamer · 17/05/2022 09:35

Nanny0gg · 16/05/2022 18:05

Oh, here we go...

No, she has loved, cared for and raised him all his life.

His father doesn't even appear to have been a Disney dad, just an occasional visitor in his son's life

Show quote history

Yes nanny

and yet the son seems to be seriously considering moving in with his f

the op is not providing any info re what her son’s homelife is like with her ie tension between him and step father or half siblings?

rookiemere · 17/05/2022 09:44

It says in the OP that the DF can be very persuasive, it's easy to see how an impressionable teen wrapped up in exam stress might be tempted by the idea of staying with him.

Plus after being effectively ignored and sidelined by his DF most of his young life, perhaps he's flattered by the attention and thinks ( perhaps wrongly) that it's an opportunity to have a better relationship with him.

OP hasn't said he is going to do it - at least I don't think so - but playing down until after exams and then suggesting a gradual build up might be the way to go. If the DF is as I think he is, he'll not be happy with this and try to force the DS into a move in or nothing scenario and then DS will see what he is really like.

Xpel · 17/05/2022 09:45

Tamzo85 · 16/05/2022 05:49

But aren’t you trying to persuade your son to live with you as well?

The man is a violent abuser. Why exactly should she not be trying to persuade her son not to live with him?

Sarahcoggles · 17/05/2022 09:47

First I would delay any conversation about this till after the exams. They'll be over before you know it, and then you'll have ages to talk.

Then I would sit him down and say that of course this is his decision, and you won't stand in his way, but that you feel he needs to know why you feel sad and negative about the prospect. Then tell him about the violence and lack of interest and financial support. Your DS is old enough to cope with this. My Mum slagged off my dad all my life, and whilst it upset me when I was younger, I understood it when I was older, and felt better equipped to make my own choices and form my own opinions.

And what if your ex does hit your son, and he then finds out he had a history of violence that you kept from him? I've never understood why people choose to protect violent partners by keeping their cruelty secret.

notagamer · 17/05/2022 09:48

The idea that he’s doing it for the money is laughable and any RP will know this

Whatever money the op may have to give him in terms of csa stipulated maintenance won even touch the side when it comes to feeding a 16 year old male, let alone all the other costs!

notagamer · 17/05/2022 09:53

planetme · 16/05/2022 07:15

I do want to add I've never once had reason to think my ex would be violent towards my son.

how come so sure given the extreme violence he displayed towards you and indeed his unborn son

Xpel · 17/05/2022 09:56

It won't be about money. It's not cheaper having a 16 year old come live with you full time than paying not even the full amount of maintenance every month.

It'll be because be thinks his kids old enough now to not need any real graft from him as a parent. OPs done the hard bit in his mind, now he wants to have a go, but obviously only now his son is old enough and more self sufficient of course 🙄

Tamzo85 · 17/05/2022 10:02

@planetme

I really don’t think you telling your son his dad didn’t pay full child support is going to make him think less of his father. Your seeing it through your own eyes of being mad you had to make do without the money for him - but if your son doesn’t know about the abuse, or his father tells him it didn’t happen, think about how it looks. It will look as though you kicked his father out the house, then wouldn’t let him see his son much and are upset you didn’t get sent enough money. Think about how that looks to a kid, especially a boy. It probably makes his father look better and you worse.

Basically without the abuse believed (or only partially believed) or known, it looks your saying “yes I dumped your father and wouldn’t let him see you but you should be upset he didn’t send enough money”

Your thinking about it from the perspective of a woman and his mother - he’s a teenage boy, he’s not going to be upset you didn’t get sent enough money. I’m just saying this because you seem to have a bee in your bonnet over this and you seem to think that this should have a lot of meaning to him. I doubt very much it will. The abuse might if he believes it but this is your issue, he won’t care.

Original poster
planetme · 17/05/2022 10:07

SnowWhitesSM · 17/05/2022 08:52

Your instincts are right. Don't put him under pressue by telling him your side. It might completely backfire, also dc base who they are on their parents.

I'd give him my full blessing. You know, deep down, he's a shit dad and your son will be back. Trust the relationship and the family environment you have created.

💐💐💐💐💐thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
planetme · 17/05/2022 10:09

Xpel · 17/05/2022 09:56

It won't be about money. It's not cheaper having a 16 year old come live with you full time than paying not even the full amount of maintenance every month.

It'll be because be thinks his kids old enough now to not need any real graft from him as a parent. OPs done the hard bit in his mind, now he wants to have a go, but obviously only now his son is old enough and more self sufficient of course 🙄

I agree with this as well

Although trust me he will be happy about no longer having to "pay" me

OP posts:
notagamer · 17/05/2022 10:15

Yeah but if he paid you peanuts and sporadically- I really doubt that he’s thinking that.

it won’t be about money

it will either be that he threw out the offer without thinking because your son was complaining about something at home (step dad? Very common at this age)
or
a power thing, but unlikely given the length of time that has passed when he could have offered before. Why now? 16 year old boys aren’t exactly… the most joyous of ages
or
he genuinely would just like to give it a go with his son.

i am interested why you are so very confident he would never ever be violent to your son given the extreme violence he displayed towards his unborn son?

GabriellaMontez · 17/05/2022 10:25

Xpel · 17/05/2022 09:56

It won't be about money. It's not cheaper having a 16 year old come live with you full time than paying not even the full amount of maintenance every month.

It'll be because be thinks his kids old enough now to not need any real graft from him as a parent. OPs done the hard bit in his mind, now he wants to have a go, but obviously only now his son is old enough and more self sufficient of course 🙄

He won't have considered that possibility. Only that he'll give less to the OP but be entitled to get something from her. Huge power trip for an abuser and tightwad.

Original poster
planetme · 17/05/2022 12:11

Agree @GabriellaMontez

OP posts:
notagamer · 17/05/2022 13:28

Whatever his motivations, if he provides a settled and happy environment for your son - try to be ok with it. Also, whatever you pay him will be peanuts to the actual cost of your ds.

and if it all goes pear shaped, your ds comes back to you and probably severs relations with your dh.

and he will be ever closer to when the issue of maintenance won’t even be one.

notagamer · 17/05/2022 13:29

I have asked three times whether your son gets on with your partner, as very common for teen boy and step father to clash.

but you’ve steadfastly Ignored. So I suspect it goes back to the “push” factor, as if your ds is aware as you say of how tight fisted his father is… there doesn’t seem to be much “pull”

ReadyToMoveIt · 17/05/2022 13:33

notagamer · 17/05/2022 13:29

I have asked three times whether your son gets on with your partner, as very common for teen boy and step father to clash.

but you’ve steadfastly Ignored. So I suspect it goes back to the “push” factor, as if your ds is aware as you say of how tight fisted his father is… there doesn’t seem to be much “pull”

You think the OP is pushing her son away?! What on earth are you basing that on?

notagamer · 17/05/2022 13:34

Good lord
read my pist

i am asking whether tension between her partner and teen son may be a push factor

Very common situation

ReadyToMoveIt · 17/05/2022 13:34

just reread and saw you mean he wants to leave because of the OP’s partner. Again, entirely baseless.
You seem determined to blame the OP and her partner for this, why?