Ex trying to persuade son to live with him

[planetme]

My son has informed me his dad, my ex, is trying to persuade him to live with him full time when he starts A levels in September.

I am absolutely floored.
The bastard has done absolutely no real parenting since he was born. I left him when my son was 3 months old because he was emotionally, financially and physically abusive which got worse during my pregnancy. He pushed me downstairs when I was 6 month pregnant and constantly bullied me mentally. Having my son - ironically - gave me the strength to leave.

Initially he had zero interest in seeing him, it was obvious a baby was too much hard work. He visited sporadically and paid absolutely nothing. When our son was two he moved hundreds of miles away for a new relationship and barely saw him (his choice).

He returned after a couple of years and we made a regular arrangement for access. but has never, ever paid the full amount of child support Despite having a very well paid profession

Me and my husband have brought my son up emotionally and financially. We have done ALL the hard parts of parenting and done absolutely everything for him. While his dad does the absolute bare minimum and is the most tight fisted bastard I've ever known . I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s taken him for a day out or spent money on him other than his pitiful amount of "maintenance" . He gets no pocket money, no treats. All that comes from me

I am almost certain ex only wants him now because then he will legitimately be able to pay no child maintenance. If his (declared 🧐) earnings are less than 50k he can get the child benefit too

The thing is ex is very good at manipulating people, so I may as well just accept this is happening as I’ve got no chance. He will sell the idea to my son as if it’s the best idea ever. It goes without saying I've said to my son it's ok if he decides staying with his dad is best. I don't want to try and influence him, he's got to do what he feels is right for him. Despite my ex being shit I've never once bad mouthed him in my sons presence, and always facilitated a relationship. He - of course - has no idea of the abuse I experienced at the hands of his dad

But I'm heartbroken . I can't sleep

I also have children with my current husband who would be upset if their brother didn't live with us.

Do you understand the concept of “push factors” and “pull factors” in decision making

I don’t mean the op is pushing him out or even indicated that, so perhaps you don’t

It is not baseless

why

clashes between teens and parents not uncommon
clashes between teen males and step fathers…. Are very commonplace.

bizarre you would think this question was “baseless”

You’ve got a really patronising tone. I’m not surprised the OP has declined to answer your inquisition questions.

Knife. Edge!

You took the words right out of my mouth 😬

*of my mouth

@ReadyToMoveIt

(Blooming annoying how Mumsnet app keeps cutting half off posts !!)

Asking what whether your son is happy at home and whether that might just might be a factor in him considering moving in with his father who he is acutely aware is tight fight fisted

goodness how wrong was I?! 😂

Btw, for anyone wondering, and I suppose it is a fair question, My husband and son get on fine, I'm aware step relationships can often be tricky.

But they're very close, H has been in our lives since my son was 2 years old. He can't remember a time without him, my husband was there constantly for the years that his own dad disappeared

Trust me when I say my H has done way, way more actual parenting of my son than his biological dad ever has. He's been there for all the life events like starting school, his football matches, taking him to Cubs and other clubs and hobbies. Playing football with him, helping him with his homework. Taking him to friends houses and giving lifts etc. doctors / hospital appointments, pre school jabs. Going to parents evenings. He has even taught him to competently play guitar. the list goes on and on. his own dad (although given every opportunity to be involved) has never bothered with any of that, too much effort. 🥺

Your questions have had a bit of a vibe of an inquisitor tbh . But I think you fully know that. For some reason you're trying to pick holes in my version of events

But I think you know that

Are you a dad who doesn't have primary custody of his kids ? Just wondering

Good luck to your son is all I’ll say

ill bow out now

I don't understand why peoole are saying that the son thinking about spending more time with his father is a reflection of his life at home. This is his father. He might have been useless but he's still his father and I think its natural that he might want to explore a closer relationship. I don't think that's a radical, extraordinary original desire - to try and form a closer bond with a parent.

My best friend has two daughters, now both in their 40s. They had a stable life with my friend who was a great mother and they're all extremely close. My friends ex was useless and inreliable. He'd say he was visiting and just not show up. He went missing for a couple of years and showed up with a wife and a baby. No advance warning. Loads of other stuff. The youngest daughter just couldn't be bothered anymore. So she planned going out with friends regardless of what her father said he was doing. If he she was in, she engaged with him, if she was going out, she just said goodbye and left. Her older child was completely the opposite. She'd sit and wait for him. Constantly disappointed, but could never give up hope he could change. He didn't. Not when they were children and not when they were adults
Their different personalities had nothing to do with their mother or home life. They just had different needs and desires.
So no matter how awful the ops ex has been, he's still her son's father, the son still loves him and probably still has illusions of a great relationship. It's really not for the op to destroy that. If it works out, the son gains having another loving person in their life. If it doesn't, he will come home, having learned for himself the truth, and not harboring resentment that his mother might have lied and tried to manipulate him. Nor will she have provided ammunition for the father to criticise her.
Just give him a key, say he's welcome to pop back whenever he wants and let him save face by gradually sloping back if it doesn't work out.

I think that @notagamer is not trying to interrogate you, @planetme - maybe her tone has been misread - I think she is trying to ask if your son may have reasons/issues that are pushing him to accept your ex’s offer - because if your son is having some issues at home, you can do something about it.

I am not suggesting for a moment that you or your dh are doing anything wrong - but it is possible that something has got blown out of proportion in your ds’s mind - and you can’t deal with it if you don’t know about it.

A previous poster suggested you letting your son go to his dad’s for the summer, once his exams are over, is a good one - let him have a risk-free taste of life there - it may be all he needs, to realise that the grass isn’t greener.

I do wonder if your ex is just pushing this idea to hurt you and cause you stress, but doesn’t actually expect it to happen, so this would call his bluff too.

the man has already been violent to the son, when he was in the womb. He will have been impacted by by the adrenaline and cortisol flooding his mothers body.

He has the right to know his father is an abuser, OP should never have protected the abuser and kept his secrets for him. Now, it’s a terrible stage of his life to let him know the facts about the abuser.

This in spades. I would absolutely shut this down for now. His exams start this week. There are absolutely better things to talk about right now.

I would say to Ex that you are willing to discuss but only if HE drops it until your son has completed his current exams as he can clearly see that this is a crucial time for the kid.

The after exams I would talk to ds about his father and that you are concerned.

Hi I'm currently in the same situation, have you got an update please

I am so sorry to hear this 💐

My update is mixed tbh. My son still lives here most of the time. however he now spends every weekend at his dads. Plus usually extra time in the holidays . and his dad is suddenly wanting to do stuff with him like they went to a football match the other week and then recently a gig. I feel like now my son is basically a man and (in ex's eyes) needs no actual boring parenting) ex feels like he has got a new mate to do stuff with 🤮 . And yet he never did anything fun with him or took him anywhere or spent money on him for the first 16 years so it's infuriating now he's suddenly being dad of the year. (I should also add that my son had to pay for his own drinks and stuff at the gig and even bought his own band t shirt so yeah still a tight fist!)

On the plus side DS did well in GCSEs last year and got a place to do A levels at a new school locally. since starting sixth form he has loads of new local friends as well as still seeing his old ones, and a part time job in our village, he's had a couple of girlfriends and is also learning to drive. And I've bought him a car. so I do feel he has more ties here than he does at his dads. His dad by the way hit the roof when DS decided to go to the sixth form near me 😂

I do feel better about it all as DS is 18 in less than a year and this time next year could be leaving home anyway for uni

I am also now no contact with his dad because I don't feel like I need to deal with him anymore. Any communication can be done between him and my son unless it's an emergency. I find this is better for me as I don't have to see him

Thank you I'd be so happy if the same was to happen here, thanks for the hope x

You're welcome and I hope and pray your dc stay with you

If you want to talk more please feel free to post more on here or private message me

It is truly heartbreaking 💔