Ex trying to persuade son to live with him

[planetme]

My son has informed me his dad, my ex, is trying to persuade him to live with him full time when he starts A levels in September.

I am absolutely floored.
The bastard has done absolutely no real parenting since he was born. I left him when my son was 3 months old because he was emotionally, financially and physically abusive which got worse during my pregnancy. He pushed me downstairs when I was 6 month pregnant and constantly bullied me mentally. Having my son - ironically - gave me the strength to leave.

Initially he had zero interest in seeing him, it was obvious a baby was too much hard work. He visited sporadically and paid absolutely nothing. When our son was two he moved hundreds of miles away for a new relationship and barely saw him (his choice).

He returned after a couple of years and we made a regular arrangement for access. but has never, ever paid the full amount of child support Despite having a very well paid profession

Me and my husband have brought my son up emotionally and financially. We have done ALL the hard parts of parenting and done absolutely everything for him. While his dad does the absolute bare minimum and is the most tight fisted bastard I've ever known . I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s taken him for a day out or spent money on him other than his pitiful amount of "maintenance" . He gets no pocket money, no treats. All that comes from me

I am almost certain ex only wants him now because then he will legitimately be able to pay no child maintenance. If his (declared 🧐) earnings are less than 50k he can get the child benefit too

The thing is ex is very good at manipulating people, so I may as well just accept this is happening as I’ve got no chance. He will sell the idea to my son as if it’s the best idea ever. It goes without saying I've said to my son it's ok if he decides staying with his dad is best. I don't want to try and influence him, he's got to do what he feels is right for him. Despite my ex being shit I've never once bad mouthed him in my sons presence, and always facilitated a relationship. He - of course - has no idea of the abuse I experienced at the hands of his dad

But I'm heartbroken . I can't sleep

I also have children with my current husband who would be upset if their brother didn't live with us.

Except it will be because she will then pay him my friend lost her child similar circumstances he barely paid she was kind and didn't go to csa he never bothered with the child until she was older suddenly one weekend he didn't return her the child decided she wanted to stay with him he went for csa immediately refused to bring her over to visit demanded money off her for school uniform for school trips none of which he ever did when she lived with mum now she doesn't see her own child because it upsets her father years of being kind switched in an instant not even allowed to attend parents evening

If your son is old enough to move 200miles away, he is old enough to hear the truth.

Why would he be moving 200 miles away? The op said the father returned when their son was 4 or 5. Or did I miss an update?

just to be clear
you have never told your son about the very serious violence?

that is not protecting your child
that is keeping them in the dark about something very serious

If you don’t need the maintenance then stop claiming it and remove the financial incentive. Give ex the info on student finance as if dc will be living with him for 2 years before uni he will be the resident parent for topping up the maintenance loan as it will be his salary which is assessed. Tell ex it’s really generous of him to take on the uni costs. If that doesn’t put him off try for 50:50.

He's 16! He can join the,army, get married, have kids! So he can certainly leave home if he wants and there's nothing the op can do about it. She's trying to make the best decision to not alienate him but still try to get him to want to stay at her home.

I'd keep repeating we can talk though decisions after GCSEs.
I think you do need to tread carefully with telling your son all the not so nice stuff about his dad. Friend did this. His dad said it wasnt true and her son didnt want to think bad of his dad so was easier for him to think his mum was lying and just trying to get him to stay then he moved in with dad full time. She has kept the door open for him and they have agreed to meals once a week at her house.

I'm guess I'm saying it might not be so easy to tell ds the truth as people on here are saying and not have it blow up.

Exactly this. What good will ‘forbidding’ him do? He’s 16. He can live wherever he wants. Unless the OP locks him in his room, telling him ‘no’ will have no effect whatsoever.
The risk for the OP is pushing him away completely, which is the worst possible outcome. It’s not so simple as just saying ‘no’.

A friend of mine had this with her young daughter, after telling her DD what a shit her father was (her DD refused to believe her) she got her Dad and partner to pick her up and that was that, and Mum was devastated.
About 6 months later DD turns up unexpectedly on Mums doorstep with her bags, she had taken a coach from the North of the country to the London area.
Nothing much was said, but it transpired that she missed her Mother, Mothers DP, her brother and her Mums wider family. It also came out later that Dad, "Didn't care" ie he let her have so much freedom, it made her anxious! wasn't worried about regular home cooked meals etc.
My advice is say little and don't try and dissuade him, and be there and ready to pick up the pieces if and when it all goes wrong, because it will, but at 16 you can't tell them anything can you?
Just be very casual about it all, tell him you and his siblings will miss him but he has to make his own mind up.
Don't try and and persuade him to stay, by telling him how awful his Dad is, that could be seen by him as a tad manipulative?

I'm guess I'm saying it might not be so easy to tell ds the truth as people on here are saying and not have it blow up

I agree with this too.

@LetitiaLeghorn Excuse me?? Oh, well if he only pushed a heavily pregnant woman down the stairs a long time ago then that's fine. I think it she absolutely ludicrous to not be worried about that. He has never lived with his son full time before, or had to live with the ups and downs and frustrations that go with that. It's not at all out of the question that he could become violent with his son.

No, fairly sore from the OP that he now lives close by

Sure!

he barely paid she was kind and didn't go to csa

kind? It was money due to her child. For her child. So whilst she was being kind to her ex, she wasn’t being kind to her child

Not going to C-section for a non paying NRP isn’t “kind”.

it is short sighted and foolish.

Csa!!!

The OP says that they’re financially secure, doesn’t sound like her son has missed out on anything growing up.

He isn't an adult, he's a 16 year old child unless he's starting his A levels late.

Instead of conjecturing, why don't you just listen to what the op says. She's hates her ex so would gave the worst opinion possible if him but she still is sure that he wouldn't hurt her son. She's brought her child up for 16 yrs and loves him very much. She wouldn't risk her child if she thought her ex would hurt him. Why can't you trust her knowledge rather than your own supposition?

My comment was not to the op

Do you think he would ever abuse your son? Is there a safety issue? Say your son moves in and your husband says 6 months later u need to work and pay me rent etc if he didn't care about him so much as a child what makes you think he'll be there as an adult?

No, but it was about the OP.

Instead of conjecturing, why don't you just listen to what the op says. She's hates her ex so would gave the worst opinion possible if him but she still is sure that he wouldn't hurt her son. She's brought her child up for 16 yrs and loves him very much. She wouldn't risk her child if she thought her ex would hurt him. Why can't you trust her knowledge rather than your own supposition?

Lot's of people say there's nothing to worry about. It doesn't mean there is actually nothing to worry about. Someone that once deliberately pushed a pregnant woman down the stairs should always be a concern.

It's a real shame you haven't told your son the truth before, because it's going to look really bad if you suddenly reveal the abuse now. Even if your ex wasn't trying to persuade him to move in, you don't want to disrupt his GCSEs with big revelations.

I knew my father was a deadbeat and chose to end contact at around 12. My mother never bad-mouthed him, but nor did she lie to protect him.

Lot's of people say there's nothing to worry about. It doesn't mean there is actually nothing to worry about. Someone that once deliberately pushed a pregnant woman down the stairs should always be a concern.

Look, if you'd rather believe yourself who knows nothing than the op who knows everything, then you just crack on.

Look, if you'd rather believe yourself who knows nothing than the op who knows everything, then you just crack on.

What is your problem? More people have agreed with me on this thread that he should not be sent to live with his father without knowing about his abusive past, than have agreed to you that we should "get a grip because it was a long time ago". I'm by no means the only person saying it.

Why don't you crack on?