DD is pregnant, not sure what do

[penguinmoonwalker]

Hey, dd is 17, 18 in June. She's pregnant unplanned and she has decided now she wants to keep the baby. I think she is naive and doesn't know how much work it will be and how it will take over every aspect of her life. When I've tried to talk to her about this she says that she isn't stupid and to stop patronising her. She says that she thinks that this happened for a reason and that part of her wants to be a young mum. She says she plans to do A levels in the summer as planned and then take a year out and go to uni September 2023 at a uni locally and tbf she has been doing some research on doing a degree with a baby. However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare. She wants to stay at home and I'll be honest I'd rather not have a young baby in the house. However there is no way I would ever kick her out and would much rather she was here with her baby than in wherever else she might go and I have told her this as I don't want to lie to her about it. She says that most girls who decide to get an abortion have no support and no other options but she feels like that is not true for her and that she could raise a child and that abortion should be the last resort. She also says that her life is 'kinda boring' at the moment.
Her bf seems like a reasonable guy and isn't putting any pressure on her but he doesn't want to be a father yet and he says that 'he will try and help a bit but won't make any huge sacrifices' and he will be going to uni in September and realistically he will hardly be involved
I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

I’m amazed at posters on here saying the OP should say she can’t live there. I thought kicking your kids out because they’re pregnant went out decades ago. So many self righteous people here. If I were in the same situation as the OP I know I’d be a softie and have them live with me, even the boyfriend if he wanted to stick around but I understand not everyone would be like that.

But that would only work if you had the space and the money - if DD is sharing a room with a 14 year old sister and you are struggling to pay the bills where do the BF and the baby go? Where does the money come from for the extra (currently hugely expensive) electricity and the extra food and the the stuff the baby needs come from? Does the 14 year old DD get kicked shunted out of the bedroom to sleep on the sofa or will the 17 year old and BF and baby take over the living room?

@Puzzledandpissedoff

You don’t want a situation where she just assumes you’ll be home and so take over care by default

Not sure how that would work anyway, since OP said she works full time? Unless the DD seriously expects mum to give up work, and why would she do that in a situation that's been foisted on her with no consultation and - from the sound of it - very little respect?

As I said earlier in the same paragraph, the daughter might think she can hand the baby over to OP when OP gets home from work. That could easily become a situation where daughter says she needs to get out for a bit and OP ends up stuck with the baby all evening because she’s home anyway. OP is entitled to relax in the evenings without becoming the default carer. She’s not the co-parent who should do 50/50 outside of the working day.

Agree it’s a sign of little respect but I think best to prepare for it. Daughter hasn’t asked her mum if she can stay at home to raise her baby, she’s assuming she can. She might assume a lot more too.

I think all the examples in this thread of young mothers who were successful have a common thread - the young mother took responsibility, put her baby’s future first and worked hard towards it. With support yes but realising that the footloose and fancy free youth they’d expected was gone.

Better still, as in my example, is where the baby’s father also takes responsibility. This couple were able to go out, study, enjoy themselves, but crucially were both grown up about it (and possibly lucky with the quality of support they had). Getting one’s girlfriend pregnant then disappearing is so often condoned with a ‘what can you do’ shrug, but is deeply irresponsible and utterly unfair.

I think the posters saying that you should make demands on the paternal family are naive and a bit funny.

He will have no real income so CSA will be even more useless than normal. And you can't force someone to be involved.
Him and his family could never be heard from again and you may never see a single penny from them.

@penguinmoonwalker you said that you do not want her to live in social housing, you’d rather have her live with you with the wish that you do not undertake the care & responsibility of childcare.

Ummm, fat chance your DD would get social housing. She is not in housing need as she has a roof over her head already nor is she vulnerable/in imminent danger. Likewise many other services & offers for younger mothers & babies are now much scarcer & prioritised for those in urgent need. We all know this, but your DD & those who influence her may not &/or have a highly selective filter.

So unless you are prepared to pay or heavily contribute to your DD & baby living independently, your DD has boxed you in. It is just a short step to her positioning you as a de facto child care provider.

There is little room here for manoeuvre as there is a short opportunity to make some essential life decisions. Your DD is working on a set of unchallenged, unsubstantiated & convenient assumptions that directly affect your life, emotional wellbeing, home & income.
Would you let anyone else take a decision that would have that impact on you? The point being that you need to assert your needs & boundaries up front now - by word & action - so that your DD, the father & his family do not fall into the easy & lazy assumption of ‘Oh, mum will sort it all out ‘cos she always has & that’s what mums do…’

With the short amount of time at your disposal (hers too, but we are talking about your life & your choices), you may need to be far tougher & direct than either of you are used to as so much is at stake for you.

’DD, I am not doing xyz so you need to (& must) find out now how things are done & how much it will cost you’.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly

If it's any consolation I was naive at age 38 and had absolutely no idea how hard it would be ! And my so called partner of the same age with his own home and successful business was just as non committal as he boyfriend sounds . So age is irrelevant sometimes. At least your daughter has youth and energy on her side and a lovely mum who cares so much x

I think those in their late 30s with a successful career often find being a parent harder. If you are used to making a decision and that's what happens finding out that a baby doesn't work like that can be a shock.

Lots of talk on here about childcare for the baby, many pointing out Uni's have childcare etc but the bigger childcare concern is when the baby has reached early teenage years, who is doing the childcare then ? That will be the Grandmother yet again no doubt. This situation does not end, the Young Mum will continue to make demands on her Mothers time for at least the next 14 years or so. So the poor Grandmother will never get to live her life.

On a practical & seemingly contradictory note, I suggest you direct your DD to local authority housing/services for a fact-find now, even if you set up the call/visit, so that a) your intent is clear & b) your DD might grasp the realities of what is & is not on offer to her.

Mum: ‘ I am not doing any child care for you. I work full time & my life is my own’
DD: ‘Oh? But what will I do, who will have baby when I go out?’
Mum: ‘IF you live here, you’ll pay rent & council tax & if you want to go out, you’ll need to pay for childcare’

rent & council tax payment because that’s what happens: rent to live somewhere & council tax because adults pay local authority tax.

This just sums up the difference between men and women. The boy will get to walk away, enjoy his life and probably have no emotional attachment. The boy actually gets a choice, the woman doesn't really. Whatever she does the impact will ripple into the rest of her life. Times change, biology doesn't.

@Runningupthecurtains

I’m amazed at posters on here saying the OP should say she can’t live there. I thought kicking your kids out because they’re pregnant went out decades ago. So many self righteous people here. If I were in the same situation as the OP I know I’d be a softie and have them live with me, even the boyfriend if he wanted to stick around but I understand not everyone would be like that.

But that would only work if you had the space and the money - if DD is sharing a room with a 14 year old sister and you are struggling to pay the bills where do the BF and the baby go? Where does the money come from for the extra (currently hugely expensive) electricity and the extra food and the the stuff the baby needs come from? Does the 14 year old DD get kicked shunted out of the bedroom to sleep on the sofa or will the 17 year old and BF and baby take over the living room?

Yes I was only speaking from my own point of view, I have a roomy house and few outgoings so now my children are young adults and moving away it wouldn’t be the end of the world for me to have the house re-filled. Of course I totally agree that the OP must not be treated as as some kind of on-call babysitter I wouldn’t stand for that myself. Firm boundaries, maybe even write up a schedule of who does what so the daughter is clear what is expected of her - firm but loving.

Daughter hasn’t asked her mum if she can stay at home to raise her baby, she’s assuming she can. She might assume a lot more too

Totally agree with you, tcjotm, especially on this bit

I also agree about what the dad should be doing, but considering he's already been very clear he'll not be making "any major sacrifices" - for which read any sacrifices - I'd say the chances of him staying around are nil

Ask your daughter if she thinks it fair to deliberately produce a human with a disinterested, likely absentee father.

@BellePeppa, what planet are you on? When the baby's screaming at 3.30am and its 17-year-old mother can't be bothered to get out of bed to look after it, what use is a duty schedule?

Does your DD assume that she will continue to live at home?

OP, you are the involuntary co-opted partner in this & this is a tough call for you & your future. As far as I can tell, your child rearing phase of your life is complete. The odds are that your DD will rely heavily on you to step up to parent the child.

Just as no woman is to be forced or coerced to make a decision about a pregnancy or abortion, nor is a woman to be forced or coerced to undertake responsibility for a grandchild or other children in the family.
We make those decisions for ourselves.

Slightly off topic but I can’t understand why girls (and yes boys too but girls are the ones left holding the baby - literally) are still not protecting themselves more. There really is no excuse for anyone who is having consensual sex to be having an unwanted pregnancy it really beggars belief that it’s still happening in a country where birth control is free and easily available. Too late now of course. 🤷‍♀️

[quote Pluvia]@BellePeppa, what planet are you on? When the baby's screaming at 3.30am and its 17-year-old mother can't be bothered to get out of bed to look after it, what use is a duty schedule?[/quote]
This is exactly what happened to me. My mother's parents told her until they were blue in the face what was expected of her because they had finished with raising children and were not going to be doing it again. I arrived and my mother's response on night 1 when I cried was to put a pillow over her head, irritated as she hadn't believed them when they'd told her sleepless nights were ahead.

What do you think my grandparents did? This is why I'm telling the OP to either be prepared to parent another child or support her DD to move out. No sane person would leave their newborn grandchild to scream in that scenario.

@BellePeppa

Slightly off topic but I can’t understand why girls (and yes boys too but girls are the ones left holding the baby - literally) are still not protecting themselves more. There really is no excuse for anyone who is having consensual sex to be having an unwanted pregnancy it really beggars belief that it’s still happening in a country where birth control is free and easily available. Too late now of course. 🤷‍♀️

Unfortunately it’s not always as simple as just using protection though is it. I’m 28 in a steady happy relationship with 2 children already and I very unexpectedly conceived in December, I’m now almost 15 weeks pregnant we were using protection (condoms) and never noticed a split of any kind. We both sat completely bewildered looking at the positive test. I’ve always been skeptical of accidental pregnancies untill it happened to me.

One of the challenges for late teens is that they may know a lot of stuff, but don’t know much about real life. They have the kit & capacity to do amazing things, but not yet enough sound judgement so they can really fuck up.

It can be hard enough to have what needs to be an adult-to-adult conversation about the practical realities of life choices when equal partners have conflicting or opposing positions, let alone if one person is not experienced enough to have seasoned foresight about the consequences of adult choices.

Your DD is gaming her future - as she juggles her virtual & fantasy perspectives - & little of what she requires & needs to have a baby/parent is in reality not tangible or in place. This cannot be an easy time for her either, has she got a counsellor at school, youth service or someone at the GP she can talk to?

Some young women do have babies in their teens & make it through tertiary education etc, usually with a huge amount of support from mum, family/friends, LA/College resources. Rarely does the story makes the headlines of the young mum who flounders with the everyday challenges of motherhood, unfulfilled potential & socio-economic disadvantage - because it happens too often to be an exceptional story.

Times are harder than ever, housing lists & access to services are firmly shut unless there is dire need, & local authority resources are stretched way past thin. Your DD may be entitled to apply for support, but this does not mean that she will get it.

@penguinmoonwalker your DD has to make her own choices about completing her pregnancy, keeping the baby or adoption. Choices that women make everyday. We all know that making these decisions can be very tough, as the longer term consequences are significant for everyone involved. A sizeable proportion of women seeking abortion in the UK have completed their families & are fully aware of the impact that another baby will make.

I’d be more positive about your DD’s pregnancy if she were practical & experienced for her age, e.g.earned some part-time money alongside her studies, but from what you say your DD sounds oppositional, insecure, inexperienced & as you say naive. She may not yet recognise that a baby is an entirely separate person, with needs & wants of their own, & with this comes an absolute obligation to prioritise the child’s wellbeing & interests. That is her job as the parent, not yours.

[quote Pluvia]@BellePeppa, what planet are you on? When the baby's screaming at 3.30am and its 17-year-old mother can't be bothered to get out of bed to look after it, what use is a duty schedule?[/quote]
Well situation sorted then isn’t it! Either move out, have an abortion or get it adopted.

OP, how far gone is DD?
Has she seen the GP or EPU?

Others in this field would know far more than I will, but would the GP or EPU be asking your DD a variety of questions as they do any other pregnant woman to find out about home & lifestyle factors?

Would being

Credit to her if she can balance A levels with a new baby. I couldn’t, most of my classmates want to hypothetically off themselves with just the work

@BellePeppa

Slightly off topic but I can’t understand why girls (and yes boys too but girls are the ones left holding the baby - literally) are still not protecting themselves more. There really is no excuse for anyone who is having consensual sex to be having an unwanted pregnancy it really beggars belief that it’s still happening in a country where birth control is free and easily available. Too late now of course. 🤷‍♀️

BPAS has consistently shown that most women who request an abortion were using some form of contraception when they fell pregnant

@MissM2912

What you do- your her mother and you put your arm around her and tell her you will support her no matter what decision she makes and if she does decide to keep it you help her develop a plan on what the next couple of years will look like and what external support will be available. There are far worse things can happen in life than a baby.

I support this too. As a parent no matter whether we like it or not , at this age she is perfectly fine to make this decision for herself.

Even she agrees to terminate the baby on your terms , she will be forever blaming you and can potentially ruin your relationship .
Abortion means so different to various people. For me under 6 weeks its not big thing at all but some people consider it murder. i think its best to talk about how she is feeling about it first.

@BellePeppa

Slightly off topic but I can’t understand why girls (and yes boys too but girls are the ones left holding the baby - literally) are still not protecting themselves more. There really is no excuse for anyone who is having consensual sex to be having an unwanted pregnancy it really beggars belief that it’s still happening in a country where birth control is free and easily available. Too late now of course. 🤷‍♀️

I was on the pill, taken religiously every day as I took other meds with it so never forgot it He didn't finish. I got pregnant... My mum blackmailed me into a termination and now I'm likely too old to ever have DC