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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD is pregnant, not sure what do

380 replies

penguinmoonwalker · 26/03/2022 22:25

Hey, dd is 17, 18 in June. She's pregnant unplanned and she has decided now she wants to keep the baby. I think she is naive and doesn't know how much work it will be and how it will take over every aspect of her life. When I've tried to talk to her about this she says that she isn't stupid and to stop patronising her. She says that she thinks that this happened for a reason and that part of her wants to be a young mum. She says she plans to do A levels in the summer as planned and then take a year out and go to uni September 2023 at a uni locally and tbf she has been doing some research on doing a degree with a baby. However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare. She wants to stay at home and I'll be honest I'd rather not have a young baby in the house. However there is no way I would ever kick her out and would much rather she was here with her baby than in wherever else she might go and I have told her this as I don't want to lie to her about it. She says that most girls who decide to get an abortion have no support and no other options but she feels like that is not true for her and that she could raise a child and that abortion should be the last resort. She also says that her life is 'kinda boring' at the moment.
Her bf seems like a reasonable guy and isn't putting any pressure on her but he doesn't want to be a father yet and he says that 'he will try and help a bit but won't make any huge sacrifices' and he will be going to uni in September and realistically he will hardly be involved
I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

OP posts:
Original poster
penguinmoonwalker · 27/03/2022 23:09

@LowlandLucky

OP Just spoken to a friend whose Sons girlfriend was pregnant at 14 and was sure she was keeping the baby, seems her mother started waking her 2 or 3 times a night, when the lass got arsey her mum pointed out that it would be worse with a baby and would go on for months, every time she sat down for a meal her mum told he she would have to wait half an hour as that is what happened when you had a baby to look after, same when she wanted a shower or to go out he mum told her no as that would happen when she had a baby. The lass decide not to go ahead with the pregnancy.
Thanks this actually seems like a really great idea! I shall try it and hopefully it will help
OP posts:
Makeitsoso · 27/03/2022 23:10

My DSS got pregnant when she was 17 (we are a similar age). I think it some ways it worked out well for her. She is clever and had Alevels. She had another child and was a stay at home mum/part time little jobs before going to uni in her mid 20s. She did much better than those who’d come straight from school. She went back to work in a career full time role when her kids went to secondary school. She was still young with her career ahead of her & was able to progress quickly. Unlike her peers where we are limping along trying to combine young children and career.

forcedfun · 27/03/2022 23:12

Agree @wildcoasts I have been making very clear to my sons that they are responsible for contraception too when they become sexually active and that they have to accept the potential lifelong responsibilities that they are risking at that point. If they aren't ready for that, they have the option to abstain!

SleepingStandingUp · 28/03/2022 01:20

@katepilar

A bit OT but why do so many people always assume a baby will be formula fed. As if the norm wasnt to breastfeed a baby. Makes me sad. It seems to me that UK needs a bit of breastfeeding campaign or something.
If you're talking about affording a baby on a tight budget you absolutely need to consider formula feeding as it's so bloody expensive. My milk just didn't come in with my twins and even when it finally did and I pumped, it wasn't enough after the first month. I couldn't just tell them "sorry, I Only budgeted for bf, there's no food for you"
Iflyaway · 28/03/2022 01:31

But what will she do during her time off?

But what do you mean?

There's no time off for a working, studying, single mother. I know cos I am one.

BornBlonde · 28/03/2022 02:14

No advice but you clearly love your daughter

Introvertedbuthappy · 28/03/2022 06:05

I didn't criticise my parents and parents in law, I said I wouldn't have achieved what I did if they took up the slack. I also made a tongue in cheek joke about being annoyed that my husband had to leave during labour to feed her cats as she was on holiday, but we joke about.

I thought my post was clear that I admired their stance and it made me the person I am today. I stand by that I would be furious if my own daughter got into the same predicament and would be extremely hands off. If you want to play at being an adult you have to act like one too, in all regards.

Loopytiles · 28/03/2022 06:40

Your posts suggest some odd attitudes towards the young man. His behaviour is not at all ‘reasonable’ or ‘sensible’.

WhatNoRaisins · 28/03/2022 06:47

In the long run its probably better he does go to uni as he'll be less resentful and more able to financially support the child longer term.

forcedfun · 28/03/2022 08:50

@WhatNoRaisins

In the long run its probably better he does go to uni as he'll be less resentful and more able to financially support the child longer term.
He can go to uni and get a job and support by helping with the child too. He doesn't need to sacrifice the studying, just juggle it with earning money and childcare (just as she will)
Loopytiles · 28/03/2022 08:56

He has stated that he doesn’t intend to do any parenting. Poor!

AskingforaBaskin · 28/03/2022 09:02

@forcedfun

I think you are being strangely unfair on your daughter and far too soft on the boy. He played 50% of the role in making the baby so he needs to step up.
And how do you make a man parent?

Seriously. All these people saying he should haven't said how you make one a Dad?

He will have no income so where will they get the money? CSA are shit so wouldn't hold my breath there.

No law here can make him change nappies or do his share of childcare etc so how would a person force that?

Why should OP spend any more of her peace worrying about something she has zero control over?

CJsGoldfish · 28/03/2022 09:07

Obviously, an abortion would be best but if your dd isn't smart enough to come to that conclusion, not much you can do. Sadly, you'll be doing a lot of the raising of this child and I get why you are upset.
What I don't get though, is your attitude to the father. The whole "why should he miss out" and "it's not fair on him" WTF?
I have boys and girls and sex and contraception and respect for self and others has been a conversation since they were old enough to understand. My sons have always, always been told to protect themselves or face the possible consequences. This young man had a choice and chose NOT to wear a condom. There is NO excuse and no reason he should avoid the consequences of HIS actions.
There is no excuse and 'accidental' pregancies are rarely an 'accident'. He had a choice and, no matter how much your daughter wanted a baby, he could have acted responsibly. To let him off is what is unfair. To all concerned.

forcedfun · 28/03/2022 09:12

@AskingforaBaskin she can't make him. But it is weird how ok she is about his attitude. The condemnation should be for him not for her daughter. If society treated absent father's with half the disdain they did single /young mothers then the world would be a much better place for women and children.

LittleBearPad · 28/03/2022 09:14

He can go to uni and get a job and support by helping with the child too. He doesn't need to sacrifice the studying, just juggle it with earning money and childcare (just as she will)

He can, but he won’t. There is no way he can be forced to be a parent. The most that can be required is financial once he is earning money.

WhatNoRaisins · 28/03/2022 09:30

As people have said there's no way to force him to parent. Maybe he could stay local for university, I don't know what the options are like in their area, and get a part time job but how much cash is that even going to bring in? Besides it just means the baby having two clueless teenagers as parents.

In the long run increasing his earning potential through study and maybe gaining some life experiences will be more of a benefit to the child who is going to be disadvantaged by having a mother who has opted out of growing up for staying at home and playing dolly with a baby.

AskingforaBaskin · 28/03/2022 11:23

[quote forcedfun]@AskingforaBaskin she can't make him. But it is weird how ok she is about his attitude. The condemnation should be for him not for her daughter. If society treated absent father's with half the disdain they did single /young mothers then the world would be a much better place for women and children.[/quote]
But there is disdain for them

Loads. But nothing can be done.
She's choosing to go into it being a single mother. She needs to be aware of that and plan for everything without any of his money, time
or care.

And considering all the stress this girl is piling on her poor mum I don't think it's bad for her to discard the things she can't control.

Alcemeg · 28/03/2022 11:27

I think the thing that jumped out at me from your original post, OP, was:

her life is 'kinda boring' at the moment

She's at an age where she is about to step out into the big bad world and do something with her life / become an adult. I remember that being rather terrifying. I put off the panic by going on to higher education, but that was just postponing the existential crisis.

Identity: so, what are you going to be? She might want to model herself on you, therefore thinks being a mum is a really cool next step.

Apart from talking through the impact of having a baby on her AND ON YOU, perhaps explore what she wants next in life? Other identities, other futures she might embrace? A year travelling to broaden her horizons? You might think in terms of postponing motherhood, rather than cancelling it altogether. As in, "Well, if you still want a baby in a year's time, go right ahead."

rookiemere · 28/03/2022 13:22

Apologies OP if you have mentioned it, but I don't think you've said how far along she is with the pregnancy.

That I suppose to a degree would make a difference on what I would say/do as I imagine that an early termination would be less traumatic than a late one - but I've not been through one so apologies if I'm not expressing that correctly.

I assume you have told her OP that the extent you're prepared to support her is one evening per week and one half day at the weekend, with no night wakings past the first couple of weeks. I'm not judging you in any way btw, as a middle aged woman myself absolutely right to put out your stall with what you can realistically provide , rather than DD assuming you'll do a lot more.

Dixiechickonhols · 28/03/2022 15:11

I think you can be supportive but at same time be clear about what you will and won’t do. How will you do x? How will you pay for y? What if baby sick and you’ve got an exam?
I used to watch those 16 and pregnant shows in mtv, they were American but think they did uk version. They were very sobering. They started off all he’s going to there for me and their friends cooing over cute baby clothes and then all ended up crying alone with baby, dropping out of school etc. Maybe worth suggesting.

Original poster
penguinmoonwalker · 28/03/2022 19:13

@Dixiechickonhols

I think you can be supportive but at same time be clear about what you will and won’t do. How will you do x? How will you pay for y? What if baby sick and you’ve got an exam? I used to watch those 16 and pregnant shows in mtv, they were American but think they did uk version. They were very sobering. They started off all he’s going to there for me and their friends cooing over cute baby clothes and then all ended up crying alone with baby, dropping out of school etc. Maybe worth suggesting.
I think she is actually coming up with some answers for these which is good and she is researching these things. I think if she had an exam and the baby was sick then I would be absolutely fine with taking a day off and my hours are fairly flexible so I probably could, although I couldn't do this everytime the baby was sick. That is what I am worried will happen and I think it will be good for her to watch that if she wants although she will probably say something like I am nothing like that girl and somehow point out all her mistakes without realising that she does similar things
OP posts:
Original poster
penguinmoonwalker · 28/03/2022 19:16

@rookiemere

Apologies OP if you have mentioned it, but I don't think you've said how far along she is with the pregnancy.

That I suppose to a degree would make a difference on what I would say/do as I imagine that an early termination would be less traumatic than a late one - but I've not been through one so apologies if I'm not expressing that correctly.

I assume you have told her OP that the extent you're prepared to support her is one evening per week and one half day at the weekend, with no night wakings past the first couple of weeks. I'm not judging you in any way btw, as a middle aged woman myself absolutely right to put out your stall with what you can realistically provide , rather than DD assuming you'll do a lot more.

She's 6.5 weeks I don't know, I think she is already getting extremely emotional attached and I think that is the toughest thing I have told her that and she does seem ok with it but obviously I don't full know whether she actually believes I will stick to that
OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 28/03/2022 19:21

Has she considered the possibility of having a medically complicated child.

Alcemeg · 28/03/2022 19:27

How can you get emotionally attached to something that has yet to exist?

This is dreaming...

Original poster
penguinmoonwalker · 28/03/2022 19:36

[quote forcedfun]@AskingforaBaskin she can't make him. But it is weird how ok she is about his attitude. The condemnation should be for him not for her daughter. If society treated absent father's with half the disdain they did single /young mothers then the world would be a much better place for women and children.[/quote]
I think that lots of the arguments used by people thinking he should be oblidged to step up more are also used by pro lifers. Like saying that he had sex and should have known that there was a risk of pregnancy and should have to deal with the consequences. This could literally be something a prolifer could say about a woman wanting an abortion. But she rightly has the choice over her body and to choose whether to be a mum or not. And he doesn't have this choice. And I am sure a lot of boys make similar mistakes without it ending up with this result. Yes he should have made more sure and taken more responsibility for contraception, but they are equally to blame for that. If this was a planned pregnancy and he had done this then I would 100% agree that he should be treated with disdain. But its not and he has no choice whether to be a parent and doesn't want to be. And personally I am ok with him saying that and actually think it shows maturity and a lot more than if he had said he was going to be a proper father and then 2 months after the birth leave. I think it is hypocritical to rightly campaign for women's rights to abortion but yet expect the man to step up and completely change his life plans when she has made a choice he doesn't agree with or want. But yes I agree that we should treat absent fathers who have gone back on their promises and have said they were going to be a proper father with a lot more disdain

OP posts:
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