DD is pregnant, not sure what do

[penguinmoonwalker]

Hey, dd is 17, 18 in June. She's pregnant unplanned and she has decided now she wants to keep the baby. I think she is naive and doesn't know how much work it will be and how it will take over every aspect of her life. When I've tried to talk to her about this she says that she isn't stupid and to stop patronising her. She says that she thinks that this happened for a reason and that part of her wants to be a young mum. She says she plans to do A levels in the summer as planned and then take a year out and go to uni September 2023 at a uni locally and tbf she has been doing some research on doing a degree with a baby. However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare. She wants to stay at home and I'll be honest I'd rather not have a young baby in the house. However there is no way I would ever kick her out and would much rather she was here with her baby than in wherever else she might go and I have told her this as I don't want to lie to her about it. She says that most girls who decide to get an abortion have no support and no other options but she feels like that is not true for her and that she could raise a child and that abortion should be the last resort. She also says that her life is 'kinda boring' at the moment.
Her bf seems like a reasonable guy and isn't putting any pressure on her but he doesn't want to be a father yet and he says that 'he will try and help a bit but won't make any huge sacrifices' and he will be going to uni in September and realistically he will hardly be involved
I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

@Movinghouseatlast

This just sums up the difference between men and women. The boy will get to walk away, enjoy his life and probably have no emotional attachment. The boy actually gets a choice, the woman doesn't really. Whatever she does the impact will ripple into the rest of her life. Times change, biology doesn't.

She has the choice to keep the baby, put the baby up for adoption or to end the pregnancy. A man doesn’t have this choice and cannot stop any of the decisions. I would therefore say that women in 2022 do have a choice.

@penguinmoonwalker make her read articles on the complications and heightened risks teens have during pregnancy and childbirth. Also, babies of teens tend to be born premature and not develop properly. Then there’s the social side.

reverehealth.com/live-better/risks-teen-pregnancy/

Also, can your Dd afford to raise a dc? Probably not as it won’t stay as a baby forever. The following links break down the costs:

www.reassured.co.uk/life-insurance/how-much-does-it-cost-to-raise-a-child-uk/

www.compassfostering.com/raise-a-child-cost-uk/

@BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ makes a very pertinent point.

‘ I think one of the main things to highlight to her is that it won’t just be hard with the father not on the scene, but she will be linked to him forever and at least for another 18yrs have to consult him about the way she parents. ’.

From difficult experience, I have pointed this out to women weighing up their pregnancy choices. Sometimes the window of decision moves left or right as the father is already known to be a nightmare/only good for a shag/an unknown all the way over to he’s an absolute love/going to step up/we’re in it together.

The point made also applies to men: think & take care before you have sex with this woman as she could be the mother of your child & they will be part of your life for the next 18 years, either directly &/or through the CMS. For both parties: contraception, contraception, contraception.

Yes contraception fails, but at least start off on the right foot*.
*possibly why it fails, but that’s another thread.

I asked about the father’s interest & she declared that neither he nor his mother would be interested in the baby. Not so, & many a solicitors letter sent by both the father & grandmother to assert contact with the baby, & contact has been maintained for nearly a decade.

Never underestimate how strongly people feel once baby arrives, this doesn’t just apply to the mother.

OP, have you had much contact with the father & his parents?

She has the choice to keep the baby, put the baby up for adoption or to end the pregnancy. A man doesn’t have this choice and cannot stop any of the decisions. I would therefore say that women in 2022 do have a choice.

She does, but all of these choices involve risks and considerable potential impacts on her body & health, not to mention her life going forward. It's just not comparable, really.

Even she agrees to terminate the baby on your terms , she will be forever blaming you and can potentially ruin your relationship

That's projecting. She may well be grateful for the OP's reason, logic and voice of experience. If she has the baby and it's not all sunshine and roses, how is that going to impact her relationship with her mother? It's just as possible ( I would say probably more so) likely that she regrets having the baby as she regrets having an abortion.

OPs daughter has a good twenty years to have a baby ahead of her. After she's finished her studies and when she's in a secure relationship would seem to be a far better time than now.

Following on from @aylis point about BPAS & women seeking abortion were using contraception.

Many women who request abortion have completed their family, for a variety of reasons fall pregnant when using contraception or believe themselves to no longer be fertile. It is their choice to terminate their pregnancy.

It is not just young women who request abortion.

Every young person going through the UK school system should receive education about contraception, knows where to get the stuff & uses it - both parties take responsibility…as I say, ‘should’.

A bit OT but why do so many people always assume a baby will be formula fed. As if the norm wasnt to breastfeed a baby. Makes me sad. It seems to me that UK needs a bit of breastfeeding campaign or something.

Although the vast majority of mothers start breastfeeding, the UK has one of the lowest breastfeeding rates in the world, katepilar. But that's probably another thread ...

@DomesticatedZombie

She has the choice to keep the baby, put the baby up for adoption or to end the pregnancy. A man doesn’t have this choice and cannot stop any of the decisions. I would therefore say that women in 2022 do have a choice.

She does, but all of these choices involve risks and considerable potential impacts on her body & health, not to mention her life going forward. It's just not comparable, really.

Then she could have got an implant maybe, or the coil...

I think being forced to become a dad has significant impacts on mental health.

It's not one sided is it?

@Movinghouseatlast

This just sums up the difference between men and women. The boy will get to walk away, enjoy his life and probably have no emotional attachment. The boy actually gets a choice, the woman doesn't really. Whatever she does the impact will ripple into the rest of her life. Times change, biology doesn't.

Not true. Women get to decide whether to proceed with pregnancies (and no terminations dont always impact the rest of your life) and men don't. Walking away is easier for men. I know which choices I'd prefer to have.

A woman can't just walk away, a man can. My dad (18 years old) walked away from me.

@Ginger1982 yeah but I hardly describe it as positive. It’s a sad decision to have to make in the first place !

My friends don't see this as costs to them. They all have great bodies still - young skin is more elastic so snaos back into shape (their views not mine)....

Ref your points though, obvs, women have children, men who are born men can't, so, in my view, women are obviously impacted by having children and esp so if they are young and don't have sufficient finance to be self reliant

BTW I never said the babies dad's weren't around for my friends. They were , if I recall it correctly, tgey all got married before they hit 21 yo. They all had more than 1 child too - one had 4. Sadly though, all of the relationships broke down 10 or so years later.

Sorry I really don't know what to say other than based on my friends and my experiences - we were all in school together - having kids young did not affect any of them or their potential careers when compared to me and other friends like me who went to uni, grew careers, got married later and had kids in our late 20's to late 30's.

The main point here istgatthis is pregnant persons choice. We need to root for her if we truly believe in feminism, which I do whole heartedly.

Completely agree. The choice to have tge baby is her daughters, tge responsibility is her daughters.

OPs choice will probably not properly formulate until baby arrives. That's the point of what I said and obvs if she doesn't want the baby in her home etc, she can choose to ask her daughter to leave. I wouldn't criticise anyone for that, but I do think babies are very precious lives and as women many of us are 'predisposed' to be mothers/carers...

@user43786

I was a teenage mother and as much as I love my child yes, I regret it and if I could go back I'd have done things very differently.

First off my relationship with my mother wasn't good, yours sounds much better and that's important.

The picture in my head was totally unrealistic and the reality of a baby was terrifying. I thought it would sleep then give it a bottle then repeat, I was totally unprepared for getting less than 3 hours sleep a night and trying to function the next day. Friends say they'll be there but they'll be off to uni living their lives and your daughter will be watching them enjoying themselves on social media when she's doing a 4am feed.

I did my A levels and got excellent results but I had to wait until my child went to school to be able to go to university and it was a totally different experience than others because I was juggling being a parent as well.

I'm 40 now and I'm footloose and fancy free because my child is in their 20s but all of my friends have primary school children and are at a totally different stage of life than me and sometimes I feel like an outsider when they are talking about school events and play dates etc.

Looking back I didn't listen to anyone and had some ridiculous ideas of what life would be like and never imagined how hard it would be. Being a single parent on benefits is hard and I choose between eating and heating many times and I sat and cried because I felt as though I wasn't giving my child the best start in life.

Maybe start a new thread asking people for their experiences being a teenage mother and show her the reality, I don't know if it would have helped me but I was stubborn and thought I knew best, maybe your daughter will be different.

I'm sorry you had that eperience and feel like that. I feel like she is very naive and I am very afraid she will feel the same way in the future. I feel like she's heard and is focusing on people saying raising a child is the most rewarding thing they've ever done and that they loved their baby more than anything when they first saw them which is true. I think most mums are reluctant to admit they have made a mistake when they love their child so much and they aren't all as honest as you are even if they do feel that way. But she is just thinking about that rather than the other things. I don't know how to communicate it all properly to her without being patronising. It is hard as I don't think she is ready to make adult decisions and usually a 17 yo doesn't have decisions as big as this

@LollyLol

Let her know you won’t be going to any midwife appointments. Tell her you are booking a 14 night holiday at the time she is due to give birth so the likelihood is you won’t be around and she will be bringing the baby home alone. Ask her what happens If she has a c section, how will she manage. Ask her what happens if it is twins, what happens if the baby and later on child, has extra needs. What happens if she gets pnd.

Tell her she will have to have the baby in her room for naps and at night and you won’t be helping her with nights. Tell her you aren’t reorganising the house for a baby or a child. At the most when the baby is 6 months you will let her put a small foldable high chair in the kitchen, and she can keep a buggy in the garage. When the baby is too small for a buggy she will have to use a sling. She will need to clear out space in her room to fit the baby’s stuff in, space for changing and playing etc. Ask if she has decided whether she will take the risk of co sleeping or make space for a cot.

Tell her you can’t adjust your life just because she has decided she wants to make this enormous life decision. Tell her you’ve reflected on it but you can’t see it working long-term and she should plan on a possibility she may need to move out when the baby arrives but you will give it two months to let her recover.

You can respect her choice but you don’t have to agree.

Immediately start treating her like an adult. Tell her if she’s having a year out, she will be living rent free at least for the period she’s staying in your home. As she won’t be up for chores with a tiny baby, give her housework now. Tell her you expect her to do six hours housework pe week. Stop making her life easy. Stop her allowance and tell her to get a job, stop paying for he phone and clothes etc, if she’s decided she’s an adult she can behave like one and fit her A levels around that.

If she does keep the baby I deffo don't want to punish her for it or do anything to deliberately make it harder for her and I am far more likely to take 2 weeks off to help her. If she does keep the baby I would want her to have the best possible life still. I don't think that older parents really think about those things either and its unreasonable to expect her to have answers for everything.

@Cocogreen

Is there anyone in your friends or family network that has a newborn? Has she spent any time with babies? It would be really valuable to get her together with someone who is going through the early months so she can see what babies are really like ie they don't sleep all day and let you get on with your life and study etc

She hasn't really spent any proper time with babies. We have got some relatives who have a newborn but whenever we see them it is only for a short period. I don't think she realises how much it will take over her life and how basically everything will be about the baby. Thanks I think this is a good idea and I think she would be keen to do this as well.

@Loopytiles

You say you think you need to be clearer with DD about the limits of what childcare you will provide . Eg virtually no night time care, no weekday care as your paid work is essential.

Boyfriend’s attitude - ‘I’m alright Jack’ - is typical but not OK. ‘I don’t blame him’ seems passive and sexist - why such low expectations? He will be a father, and at some point at a minimum will need to pay some maintenance.

If DD plans to continue dating him now despite his stated intent to leave and not do any parenting, that’s a strange decision.

I think that there is a big difference between his position and a father who has left after a planned baby was born. I am not completely sure what happened with their contraception, I haven't really got a straight answer from dd about this. Obviously he is equally responsable as she is for that. But he has not choosen to be a dad and he doesn't want to be and has never said he wants to be. My daughter has the choice not to be a mum and, although it is very much right that it is 100% her choice, I would have a lot of sympathy for him if he were dragged into fatherhood and I don't think it is fair for him to have to be a proper dad and give up on going to uni in September. I think it is much better that he is being honest with her about his intentions than making promises he won't keep

@BestZebbie

It sounds as if the father is going to be involved, but what about his parents? Perhaps this is time for your daughter to make very good friends with his mother and see if they would be a potential source of additional babysitting a few nights a week while she studies - they may fall in love with the baby grandchild when it arrives too. The father may not like this if he moves on emotionally and it is a bit of a drag having his ex hanging around with his parents, but your DD is going to need all the help available to her and this includes anything that can come from the father's side.

I think this is a good plan. I don't really know them much but they seem like reasonably decent people and will be good to get them to help. I think from what I've heard her bf has told them but I think they think she is probably going to get an abortion.

@pamplemoussee

Does she will have a realistic picture of what having a baby entails - I know I didn't in my 30s!!

Can you find some YouTube videos or tick-tock etc which show some realities of round the clock care etc with a baby and how her life will change - she won't be going out, some days she will struggle to have a shower make herself a drink etc especially if she's breastfeeding

www.babycentre.co.uk/a1046160/what-i-wish-id-known-about-life-with-a-newborn

I think I'd want her to have some sort of picture of this and if she wants to go ahead still then she's had all the information and all you can do is be there for her but set clear boundaries beforehand with the amount of babysitting you'd be happy to do. As you work full time it's unlikely you will be able to do much... - would you be happy to help out at night? How often would you be happy for her to have time out? It's things like that I guess she needs to know too

I don't think she does but whenever I try and have a conversation myself she says I am patronising her and she knows it will be tough! Thanks I will send her that and try and get some more stuff to send her as hopefully it will be better if it is not coming directly from me. I don't really want to help out at night, although obviously if there is a major problem I wouldn't mind. For the first 2-3 weeks I don't mind particuarly and I would probably take 1-2 weeks off after the birth to help her but obviously it is not just the first few weeks which will be tough. I wouldn't mind babysitting something like one evening and half a day on the weekend a week even though I wouldn't want to do anymore than that really.

OP Just spoken to a friend whose Sons girlfriend was pregnant at 14 and was sure she was keeping the baby, seems her mother started waking her 2 or 3 times a night, when the lass got arsey her mum pointed out that it would be worse with a baby and would go on for months, every time she sat down for a meal her mum told he she would have to wait half an hour as that is what happened when you had a baby to look after, same when she wanted a shower or to go out he mum told her no as that would happen when she had a baby. The lass decide not to go ahead with the pregnancy.

@TeatimeGlitter

Your daughter is already planning her life with her baby, I don’t think spooking her into an abortion is the right path to go down at all, it will irreparably damage your relationship with her and will forge lifelong scars. The horse has already left the stable, so it seems pointless to try to close the gate now. She will probably end up getting pregnant again to get over the loss of the first.

Your only option is to love and support your daughter, whilst also being extremely clear about boundaries and expectations. I’d personally make her sit down and create a 5-year plan, including a detailed financial budget for the next 2 years at least. This is the “life homework” she truly needs.

She needs to screw her head on quite quickly and learn what the working world is all about. “Boredom” will soon be something she longs for, because working with a baby as a young mother will be a baptism of fire.

Now that we’ve spoken about her, who on Earth does her useless trollop of a boyfriend think he is by getting her pregnant and then shirking all responsibilities? To me that’s utterly sickening and if it were my daughter I’d sit down both him and his parents and give them what for. This child is 50% his. I would absolutely not let him get off so lightly, he needs to be making both childcare and financial plans, as do his parents in terms of what they will offer support-wise, just as she is. Completely outrageous, both you and her should not be so passive when it comes to him. You’re now all one family whether that’s convenient for them or not.

This isn’t the 1950s where men get to have illegitimate children and then swan off and start a new life, where the hell is the equality? I’d have him by his balls for the audacity. Disgusting.

I am worried about this and you're probably right and I don't want to pressure her, but I just know she is too naive and not ready for this. I've told her to do research and make a plan and she is doing that and when she is done we can look through it together and see how plausible it is and what else can be done. And she is taking this reasonably seriously which is good! Tbh I actually think he is being very reasonable and sensible. I think this is a completely different scenrio than when a couple have a planned baby and then the man leaves soon after the baby is born. I'd much rather he be honest with her about this than make promises and not keep them. And my daughter has the choice to end this pregnancy if she chooses, which is rightfully only her decision. He doesn't get that choice and has no point has he choosen to be a dad or told her he wants to be. I think it is unfair to expect a lot from him when at no point has he wanted it. He isn't starting a new life, he's continuing with what he would have done before. I am not sure what happened and they are both equally responsable for contraception but it seems unfair that that mistake is dragging him into being a dad at 18 when he doesn't want to and a lot of guys probably make the same mistake but wouldn't have the same consequences and I don't think he really owes her anything if she keeps the baby

After reading this read I just want to say OP although the situation may not be ideal I just want to say you sound like a very good mum and your DD is lucky to have such great support. I hope she's grateful to how supportive you are. I wish my my was as kind as you.
All the best to your family. X

I think you are being strangely unfair on your daughter and far too soft on the boy. He played 50% of the role in making the baby so he needs to step up.

@forcedfun

I think you are being strangely unfair on your daughter and far too soft on the boy. He played 50% of the role in making the baby so he needs to step up.

I agree. I hope I have instilled better in my sons than that they can opt out. They know that they risk fatherhood if they choose to have sex and that there is the point at where they make their decision.