DD is pregnant, not sure what do

[penguinmoonwalker]

Hey, dd is 17, 18 in June. She's pregnant unplanned and she has decided now she wants to keep the baby. I think she is naive and doesn't know how much work it will be and how it will take over every aspect of her life. When I've tried to talk to her about this she says that she isn't stupid and to stop patronising her. She says that she thinks that this happened for a reason and that part of her wants to be a young mum. She says she plans to do A levels in the summer as planned and then take a year out and go to uni September 2023 at a uni locally and tbf she has been doing some research on doing a degree with a baby. However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare. She wants to stay at home and I'll be honest I'd rather not have a young baby in the house. However there is no way I would ever kick her out and would much rather she was here with her baby than in wherever else she might go and I have told her this as I don't want to lie to her about it. She says that most girls who decide to get an abortion have no support and no other options but she feels like that is not true for her and that she could raise a child and that abortion should be the last resort. She also says that her life is 'kinda boring' at the moment.
Her bf seems like a reasonable guy and isn't putting any pressure on her but he doesn't want to be a father yet and he says that 'he will try and help a bit but won't make any huge sacrifices' and he will be going to uni in September and realistically he will hardly be involved
I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

@Alcemeg

How can you get emotionally attached to something that has yet to exist?

This is dreaming...

I don't know! She has got emotionally attached to the idea of it, well her naive idea of what it will be like

What age are you OP ? How did you envisage the next 16 years of your life ?

Maybe you need to explain it really clearly for her. You cannot and will not give up work to provide childcare as you need to have a pension. You cannot survive and keep your job on broken sleep.

You cannot and should not force her to have an abortion, but she cannot and should not expect you to provide more support than you are willing to do so.

I cannot believe the amount of suggestions and endorsements for manipulating this lassie into termination on here. Unreal.

@Loopytiles

Your posts suggest some odd attitudes towards the young man. His behaviour is not at all ‘reasonable’ or ‘sensible’.

Obviously it would be better for us if he did, but I try and look at it from his point of view. If my son was in this position then I wouldn't want him to have to make huge changes to his life plans because of the mistake of not using contraception properly and what I thought was a mistake of his gf being extremely naive. I've said that I think this situation is so different than a father who has left 2 months into a planned pregnancy as he has never had the choice to become a dad and I have quite a bit of sympathy for his situation. He's 18 I don't think he should be made to make huge sacrifices for a child he's never wanted or made any comittment to However I've talked to his mum now about it and she actually is more taking your point of view and is saying he should do more and taking more of your opinion and I think she will encourage him to do more but I don't think he should feel too pressured or guilty about it if he doesn't

@rookiemere

What age are you OP ? How did you envisage the next 16 years of your life ?

Maybe you need to explain it really clearly for her. You cannot and will not give up work to provide childcare as you need to have a pension. You cannot survive and keep your job on broken sleep.

You cannot and should not force her to have an abortion, but she cannot and should not expect you to provide more support than you are willing to do so.

I am 48. I don't really know I had hoped that it would be a lot easier and to hopefully be able to relax a bit more and not have so much pressure about these things. I don't really want to have to go through everything again. I think she does half understand it but not fully and is naive to a lot of things. I can't really have a conversation about this really without her calling me patronising

[quote UniversalAunt]@BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ makes a very pertinent point.

‘ I think one of the main things to highlight to her is that it won’t just be hard with the father not on the scene, but she will be linked to him forever and at least for another 18yrs have to consult him about the way she parents. ’.

From difficult experience, I have pointed this out to women weighing up their pregnancy choices. Sometimes the window of decision moves left or right as the father is already known to be a nightmare/only good for a shag/an unknown all the way over to he’s an absolute love/going to step up/we’re in it together.

The point made also applies to men: think & take care before you have sex with this woman as she could be the mother of your child & they will be part of your life for the next 18 years, either directly &/or through the CMS. For both parties: contraception, contraception, contraception.

Yes contraception fails, but at least start off on the right foot*.
*possibly why it fails, but that’s another thread.

I asked about the father’s interest & she declared that neither he nor his mother would be interested in the baby. Not so, & many a solicitors letter sent by both the father & grandmother to assert contact with the baby, & contact has been maintained for nearly a decade.

Never underestimate how strongly people feel once baby arrives, this doesn’t just apply to the mother.

OP, have you had much contact with the father & his parents?[/quote]
He does seem like a reasonably good guy and is not trying to put any pressure on her but is being honest with her. But I do think that maybe that is as he knows it is easy for him to walk away. He doesn't seem like the worst person to be tied to forever. And before this I would have definitely said that this relationship was very healthy and good for both of them. And they have been in what was a relationship that was solid and comitted for their age, although most relationships at that age obviously don't last very long!

Many women are 'attached' to a pregnancy very early on. That's a normal emotional response. That's why abortion is hard. Being 17 doesn't emancipate you from those feelings. The dd is pregnant and says she wants the baby. Ok then.
The op needs to work out her own red lines and supportively discuss the situation. The father may not want t9 make huge sacrifices, fine but he'd better get his nose to the grindstone because his child will need to be supported.
Op just be careful because i can tell you, the kid is going to remember for the rest of her life what you say, what you do and what you make her feel. This is a huge parenting moment for you, don't bollocks it up.

You mentioned above that you don't believe that she thinks you'll stick to the boundaries you've said you'll set. But then a little further up you've said you could Flexi hours to help with a poorly babe or exams childcare etc. So really you've confirmed you'll probably do more than your outlined boundaries, and what grandmother wouldn't, you don't want to see your daughter fail nor your grandchild neglected and left alone. She probably knows this too because you sound like a lovely mum and therefore why wouldn't you be an amazing nanny too. (Ideally just in another 10yrs maybe not now!)

I think really you're in between a rock and a hard place here. I also think your daughter is calling you patronising because she simply doesn't want to hear what you have to say and that's an easy card to throw at you to shut you up. She will only want to hear the positives of having a baby because that's the path her hearts in at the moment.

I do also agree that the women always have the final say in a pregnancy which men don't and I think it's good he isn't making false promises but sadly even if she were to get child maintenance that won't help her child who's dad isn't interested emotionally...

Alternatively is there anyone maybe a little younger say a cousin or someone who she could speak frankly with? Whom she wouldn't be comfortable enough to call patronising but may listen to for real, truth on motherhood, warts and all?

@Alcemeg

How can you get emotionally attached to something that has yet to exist?

This is dreaming...

So, women cant be attached to a pregnancy until the baby is here and "exists"

I was pregnant at 19 and was very attached by 6.5wks...I wasn't dreaming I was happy

“ This young man had a choice and chose NOT to wear a condom. There is NO excuse and no reason he should avoid the consequences of HIS actions. “

I don’t think the OP said this is the case. He might have worn a condom. The girl could have had an implant. It works both ways. To be 100% safe both need to be using contraception- the boy and the girl.

I find this thread really uncomfortable reading. It seems we have swung from being a society that judges women if they have an abortion to a society that judges women if they don't.

The men still glide on by with the minimum of judgement.

You can't force her to have an abortion. And I'm shocked at the suggestions of trying to shock her into an abortion here. She'll never forgive you if you behave like this and she regrets it.
No one realises actually how hard having a tiny baby is. I was 29 when I had my first, and despite everyone telling me about the sleepless nights etc, I just thought I could handle it.
All you can do is be clear that you aren't going to do all her childcare. The 5 year financial plan by a PP is a great idea too.
Dad MUST step up. He doesn't get to just walk away from his responsibilities. He is old enough to understand the risks of having sex with a woman so he's old enough to deal with the consequences of that.
In the nicest possible way OP, you need to stop being so weak. Toughen up on him, and toughen up on being clear on what her responsibilities are going to be - and that you'll support her but aren't going to be babysitting on demand.

@forcedfun

I find this thread really uncomfortable reading. It seems we have swung from being a society that judges women if they have an abortion to a society that judges women if they don't.

The men still glide on by with the minimum of judgement.

It's not about 'judging', it's about offering responses informed by life experience on what is likely to be the best choice for a 17 year old, considering the impact and potential issues she may face, and the effect on her mother, who is also likely to face significant life impact.

It's a big responsibility for your dd and you but she sounds very level headed about it. I think the father needs to be made aware of his part I this too and that there's a responsibility there.

I couldn't have had an abortion, I think she sounds certain she wants to keep the child.

@Bobbajobs

You mentioned above that you don't believe that she thinks you'll stick to the boundaries you've said you'll set. But then a little further up you've said you could Flexi hours to help with a poorly babe or exams childcare etc. So really you've confirmed you'll probably do more than your outlined boundaries, and what grandmother wouldn't, you don't want to see your daughter fail nor your grandchild neglected and left alone. She probably knows this too because you sound like a lovely mum and therefore why wouldn't you be an amazing nanny too. (Ideally just in another 10yrs maybe not now!) I think really you're in between a rock and a hard place here. I also think your daughter is calling you patronising because she simply doesn't want to hear what you have to say and that's an easy card to throw at you to shut you up. She will only want to hear the positives of having a baby because that's the path her hearts in at the moment.

I do also agree that the women always have the final say in a pregnancy which men don't and I think it's good he isn't making false promises but sadly even if she were to get child maintenance that won't help her child who's dad isn't interested emotionally...

I think I said that if she had an important exam and her baby was sick and couldn't go to nursery then I would help but there is a big difference between doing that reguarly and doing that once or twice in her degree in an emergency when she had an actual exam. Its not like I have no boundaries at all although maybe I do need to tighten up on them a bit but I was asked what would she do if her baby got sick and she had an exam and I don't think there is many mums who wouldn't go out of their way a lot to ensure their child got to an important exam, especially if she had worked really hard for it which she will have to do if she wants to do uni with a baby. But I wouldn't do that on a normal day

@rookiemere

What age are you OP ? How did you envisage the next 16 years of your life ?

Maybe you need to explain it really clearly for her. You cannot and will not give up work to provide childcare as you need to have a pension. You cannot survive and keep your job on broken sleep.

You cannot and should not force her to have an abortion, but she cannot and should not expect you to provide more support than you are willing to do so.

I would add that she must move out and manage her own household, if she thinks she is adult enough to become a solo parent.

It's really so unfair that she is putting this accidental pregnancy, which could be easily terminated, ahead of the considerations of everyone else in the family, especially the OP who has just got to the point of being able to relax and focus on her own needs.

It's horrible that this teen is not considering the future her offspring would face as the product of a hasty teenage affair, a disinterested father and an ill-prepared young mother.

Sit down, point her toward resources and ask her to be moved out no later than her sixth month of pregnancy. She'll need time to prepare a nursery and such wherever she will be living for the foreseeable future. Do not offer money or any other assistance. After all, you're supposed to be hands off and let her make her own way, right?

@Runningupthecurtains

I’m amazed at posters on here saying the OP should say she can’t live there. I thought kicking your kids out because they’re pregnant went out decades ago. So many self righteous people here. If I were in the same situation as the OP I know I’d be a softie and have them live with me, even the boyfriend if he wanted to stick around but I understand not everyone would be like that.

But that would only work if you had the space and the money - if DD is sharing a room with a 14 year old sister and you are struggling to pay the bills where do the BF and the baby go? Where does the money come from for the extra (currently hugely expensive) electricity and the extra food and the the stuff the baby needs come from? Does the 14 year old DD get kicked shunted out of the bedroom to sleep on the sofa or will the 17 year old and BF and baby take over the living room?

We have a 3 bedroom house and me, my daughter and my son when he is not in uni. The baby can go into my daughters room which should be fine for now, it will be more crowded but we can cope and financially I am in reasonably good shape although not with loads of money to spare and hopefully if she plans this properly those things won't be too much of a problem. I am mostly worried about having sleepless nights again and having to do loads of childcare and her not being able to cope with it all and not being happy.

@Alcemeg

How can you get emotionally attached to something that has yet to exist?

This is dreaming...

Wow. Have you ever wanted a baby? Been pregnant? That life is growing inside you (I’m pro choice to be clear!) and of course you’re attached.

@LowlandLucky

Lots of talk on here about childcare for the baby, many pointing out Uni's have childcare etc but the bigger childcare concern is when the baby has reached early teenage years, who is doing the childcare then ? That will be the Grandmother yet again no doubt. This situation does not end, the Young Mum will continue to make demands on her Mothers time for at least the next 14 years or so. So the poor Grandmother will never get to live her life.

I am hoping that when the child is 14 dd will have a stable job and she will have moved out! And, at least in term time, I won't really have to help out much

@penguinmoonwalker

Hey, dd is 17, 18 in June. She's pregnant unplanned and she has decided now she wants to keep the baby. I think she is naive and doesn't know how much work it will be and how it will take over every aspect of her life. When I've tried to talk to her about this she says that she isn't stupid and to stop patronising her. She says that she thinks that this happened for a reason and that part of her wants to be a young mum. She says she plans to do A levels in the summer as planned and then take a year out and go to uni September 2023 at a uni locally and tbf she has been doing some research on doing a degree with a baby. However I think she is very naive about everything and I am worried I will end up having to do most of the childcare. She wants to stay at home and I'll be honest I'd rather not have a young baby in the house. However there is no way I would ever kick her out and would much rather she was here with her baby than in wherever else she might go and I have told her this as I don't want to lie to her about it. She says that most girls who decide to get an abortion have no support and no other options but she feels like that is not true for her and that she could raise a child and that abortion should be the last resort. She also says that her life is 'kinda boring' at the moment. Her bf seems like a reasonable guy and isn't putting any pressure on her but he doesn't want to be a father yet and he says that 'he will try and help a bit but won't make any huge sacrifices' and he will be going to uni in September and realistically he will hardly be involved I don't know what to do really as I don't think it is right for her to have a baby but I don't want to try and take this decision away from her

Basically it sounds like your dd is very unaware of the dynamics a child will bring, and uni would be pretty much off the table,

I had a baby at 18 after finding I was pregnant at 17. In hindsight I was extremely naive but I studied and got a degree. I qualified for grants and lived in a rented house the whole way through uni. I had family support from both sets of grandparents. My Dad for example financed my car and I wouldn’t have been able to do it without him.
I married someone else and had another DC in my 20s. Although in reality I was probably really naive, it was the making of me. For me my DC1 was the reason I finished my degree. I knew I had to be able to get a job to support us both. I can sympathise with you OP I’d be sad if it happened to my DC but it really wasn’t the end of the world. Happy to DM if you want.

my mum could've written this 2 years ago, although luckily I already had my A levels when I got pregnant.

my mum was so so unbelievably angry at first and spouted a lot of the same stuff PP are saying and was very harsh (understandably!) - i won't forget a lot of what she said, ever.

but she always stood by me, we made a plan to make the best of the situation. my parents never kicked me out, they never let me or my DS and DP suffer because of my age.

although i don't particularly agree with your attitude towards the dad, but maybe that's because my DP stepped up and went to college to become a plumber as well as working long long hours in a shop so he could support us. he felt as though we were equally to blame for the situation and that it wouldn't be fair to go on with his life and leave mine disrupted.

anyway, im 20 now with a 15mo DS, who is the light of my life! we moved out of my mum and dads just after christmas after saving and saving which felt like such an achievement.

i will say that your DD will probably be better off doing an OU course rather than a brick uni, for several reasons -

1. it's part time which makes it easier to fit around everything else
2. she'll be entitled to UC while she's studying
3. the tutors are very used to young women in our situation and are incredibly accommodating.

i found that the brick uni course would have been impossible to do with the baby, so definitely look into this.

my mum and dad were so lovely to me during my pregnancy (i had a very physically challenging time) and postpartum, and they have always helped with childcare etc, however not with a free ride. because i was at home with the baby all day i cleaned up after everyone who was at work and school while i lived there, and i was responsible for my small family's laundry, cooking etc. perhaps a similar dynamic would work in your situation?

and congratulations! i was so so sad for the first part of my pregnancy because i felt like i was letting everyone down, but really babies aren't a bad thing. my dad says he prefers having a baby in the house the second time round because he gets to pass it back over at bedtime lol

@Feelingoktoday

“ This young man had a choice and chose NOT to wear a condom. There is NO excuse and no reason he should avoid the consequences of HIS actions. “

I don’t think the OP said this is the case. He might have worn a condom. The girl could have had an implant. It works both ways. To be 100% safe both need to be using contraception- the boy and the girl.

There is no such thing as 100% contraception. I emphasise this to my children. Sex = risk of baby no matter what.

My sons know that if someone ends up pregnant they get no say. If the woman chooses to abort and they don't want that, they get no say. If they don't want her to have a baby and she chooses to, they get no say. They know that ties them to the person for the next 18 years minimum, that there is child support to be paid and that they should step up as a father for the life they created. I've had a variation on that talk with my daughters too. Ignorance is no excuse here and actions have consequences, even if unintended. Having sex is an adult action with adult consequences. Parents need to talk to their children about this sort of thing.That doesn't guarantee that things won't happen but at least they were fully informed and we did our part.

@Mamadooley

If the bf isn’t really interested and dosnt want to be involved I really hope she dosnt give the baby his last name. I know a lot of young girls in this situation do give the child the fathers last name in an attempt to try and make him be involved, it won’t work and then 10 years down the line your child has the last name of some random guy you haven’t seen or spoken to in 9 1/2 years. 😂

Don't worry if/when we get to that point I shall make sure that she doesn't give him his name!