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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What would you do if you heard ds17 having sex

300 replies

superdo · 21/03/2022 21:56

Just that really. He's been with his girlfriend 3 months, he's 17 (18 in may) she was 18 last month.
She's comes over 4-5 times a week and sometimes stays in a Saturday night.
They sit in his room and watch tv.

I'm in bed next door to ds. I thought I heard the bed quietly banging, then dh messaged me from downstairs saying he'd just heard them having sex, he heard the bed. Obviously he's not happy about it and neither am I.

I've just texted ds didn't want to go in and told him what we heard. He's denied it.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 22/03/2022 00:34

What's the problem?

LadyPropane · 22/03/2022 00:35

I wouldn't do anything else. You've already texted him, so he knows you heard.

That's probably enough to embarrass him into being quieter next time! Hopefully that's the problem solved.

If he continues having sex loud enough that you can easily hear it then I would have a chat with him about discretion and consideration. Feel free to use the example of how he would feel if he could hear you and DH going at it in the room next door. But it probably won't come to this. I would be bloody mortified right now if I were him and I'd make sure you never heard again...

Bussinbussin · 22/03/2022 00:36

If you were going to ask him to be more thoughtful/discreet next time I think a quiet chat the next morning would have been a lot less cringe than texting him when they're both still in bed, probably cuddled up and enjoying the after glow!

And your giant hypocrite of a DH can fuck off and stay out of it.

Blossom64265 · 22/03/2022 00:37

I can’t help but wonder if this is a life path/class divide response kind of issue. Every 17yo I know only has to wait a little while until they are in student accommodations at university to have all the unfettered sex they want. They only have to deal with the hassle of parental rules on holiday breaks and if they return home during the summer.

LadyPropane · 22/03/2022 00:43

Oh sorry, I've misunderstood - I thought the problem was you being able to hear it. I didn't realise that you meant he shouldn't be having sex at all.

I can't advise on that because, frankly, I think you're wrong.

Ignore my previous comment upthread, it's probably not relevant here.

ImNotDancing · 22/03/2022 00:46

One would presume your ‘Dh’ was happy to have sex with you with your 14/15 year old son in the next room. He needs to get over himself and give his head a wobble

janeseymour78 · 22/03/2022 00:48

@Blossom64265

I can’t help but wonder if this is a life path/class divide response kind of issue. Every 17yo I know only has to wait a little while until they are in student accommodations at university to have all the unfettered sex they want. They only have to deal with the hassle of parental rules on holiday breaks and if they return home during the summer.
What do you mean by this? Only low class urchins must allow their children to practice safe sex at home?

It is not the class issue you suggest.

RobertaFirmino · 22/03/2022 00:55

@Blossom64265

I can’t help but wonder if this is a life path/class divide response kind of issue. Every 17yo I know only has to wait a little while until they are in student accommodations at university to have all the unfettered sex they want. They only have to deal with the hassle of parental rules on holiday breaks and if they return home during the summer.
I don't think that's the case. Those ever-so-nice middle class teenagers you speak of tend to do all their pre-university rutting behind a bush in the local park after a few glugs of Sourz. It's only the proletariat who allow their DC to have legal sex in the comfort of their own home.
KosherDill · 22/03/2022 00:57

Age is irrelevant.

It's crass and inconsiderate to have sex loud enough for others to overhear.

kateandme · 22/03/2022 01:05

U need to solve your dps issue not your sons.ans don't embarrass him or make him feel he shouldn't be doing this...this leads to places u as a parent would much rather not go.he trusts you enough to have sex in your house,feel able to.dpnt change that.youll regret it.do not embarrass a lad of 17 but have a talk like adults over how your all feeling on this,non confrontational or judgy.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 22/03/2022 01:08

I wouldn't like it.
It's usual, in someone else's house, to keep it quiet.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 22/03/2022 01:09

@RobertSmithsLipstick

I wouldn't like it. It's usual, in someone else's house, to keep it quiet.
It's his home too 😆
BadNomad · 22/03/2022 01:16

"Son, we don't want to hear you having sex. Please keep the noise down." That's all it needs.

Is your husband jealous? His reaction to hearing a rocking bed is a bit extreme.

SparklingLime · 22/03/2022 01:21

What does “the evidence” say about this, @AnnesBrokenSlate?

RobertSmithsLipstick · 22/03/2022 01:24

Yes, it is his home too, which is why his mum and stepdad are (presumably) mindful about their own sex life being overheard.
It's common courtesy, I think, amongst adults.

Nat6999 · 22/03/2022 01:26

Just suggest he moves his bedroom around so the bed isn't banging on the wall, tell him he wakes you every time he turns over in bed. Don't tell him you can hear them having sex, he will be mortified. Does he ever stay over at his girlfriends or is your house the only location they get privacy & chance?

Vanillalatteplease · 22/03/2022 01:28

All I can picture is Pam (Gavin & Stacey) singing along to take that in the kitchen 'come, come, come into my arms'Grin.

JeffThePilot · 22/03/2022 01:34

YY there are always lots of 'cool parents' when it's threads about teens having sex. It's odd because it's not representative of any of the parents of teens that I know. Also, weird because MN is full of posts about parenting books, advice and research yet when it comes to letting your teens have sex in your house, all the evidence is completely disregarded.

Parenting books? Evidence? We aren’t talking about 13yo here. We are talking about late teens, near legal adults, over the age of consent.

They’re going to be having sex, surely it’s better and safer to be at home. Just remind them to be discreet and keep the noise down. I reckon they’ll only need to be told once!

streamee · 22/03/2022 01:40

@Comfortableatlast

DS did this to me, in a we are teens we have just discovered sex over the rest of the world sort of way, I tipped DH off, when we reckoned they were on the cusp of sleep, we gave them a round of applause.

She stayed over many times after, we never heard a thing. Grin

That's absolutely awful.
WouldBeGood · 22/03/2022 02:09

I think this is quite weird- what did you think the teenagers sleeping in the same room would be doing?!

I’d turn on some music or a book and carry on.

Very odd.

jytdtysrht · 22/03/2022 02:10

I just wouldn’t be upset about this at all.

Your toddlers will have no clue anyway. So they are irrelevant unless your ds is shagging with the door open and they can see. Might be wise to lock it in case one of the small kids opens the door. It’s so easy to distract toddlers - can tell them anything re the noise. Say ds is exercising.

Regarding you - hmmmm well - I am not sure why you are upset. All legal, established relationship, mutual respect and in a safe comfortable place. You and your dh presumably have had sex in the house when your ds was (is) teenage. I don’t really understand the problem that your dh has with it.

KnowingMeKnowingYouAhaaaa · 22/03/2022 02:16

@vanillalatteplease 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I don't understand where you expect them to go? I assume they aren't at uni yet as they are only just turning 18 so unless they do it in the car or something there arent many options? Maybe suggest they put the duvet and pillows on the floor 🤔 that's what me and my husband did when home from uni 🤣, no complaints, even from his very religious mother.

CJsGoldfish · 22/03/2022 02:20

YY there are always lots of 'cool parents' when it's threads about teens having sex. It's odd because it's not representative of any of the parents of teens that I know
I'm a very 'uncool' parent when it comes to MN standards. My teens didn't get to hang around after dark in the street/park etc. There was no alcohol provided, for example, or acceptance of any of the other "all teens do it" or, better, "they HAVE to do it" rubbish.
Sex, however.... meh.
They have been raised with the expectation to respect themselves and others. Contraception has been discussed forever. I have no issue with them having sex and simply wish for them to be safe and sensible and respectful. Seems to have worked and I wouldn't mention hearing them unless it happened again. Then I'd just give a heads up.

Dazedandconfused28 · 22/03/2022 02:37

A few of the opinions on here suggest there is something wrong with 2 consenting people having sex Confused

If you let your near adult son share a room with gf they will have sex. If you don't they'll find somewhere else, but bed moving doesn't necessarily suggest he's not trying to be discreet. Texting him to shame him is really unfair & a bit ick.

As others have said, presumably you've had sex with DH next door to DS? Did you check he was asleep each time? Did you stop having sex after toddlers appeared in the house? Maybe get some earplugs.

My Mum gave me all sorts of hang ups about sex - not necessarily in an attempt to shame me, but just to assert that she knew about my sex life & it left me feeling like I was an awful person, a weird sort of control I think. It was such an invasion of privacy & betrayal of trust.

Mycatisfabulous · 22/03/2022 02:42

@superdo

I know he's doing nothing illegal I just think it's a bit disrespectful when he knows I'm the next room.

So your telling me you wouldn't mind hearing your son have sex on the room next to you!

No.
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