Anyone else with a teen girl who dresses badly? (Frumpy)

[PatsArrow]

I hope this post doesn't make me sound like a complete cow. I will caveat this by saying I love my daughter a huge amount. I think she's funny, clever, kind and a loyal friend.

She's 17. She's never been into 'girl' clothes. She always wore Spider-Man fancy dress rather than Disney Princess when she was little. She always preferred wolves and dragons to fairies etc. She's only ever worn a dress or skirt a few times in her life. She doesn't own a skirt atm.

Now, I don't care about what she wears - if it's 'feminine' or not. However, recently she been upset.
For sixth form she wears such dowdy and frumpy clothes. Badly fitting joggers with 80's style jumpers mainly. She hardly ever wears make-up. She has fairly large boobs and she tries to squash them down in a sports bra but this just makes them looks like they're in a flat bag. She's started to get upset and complaining to me about how ugly and fat she looks when someone has caught her on camera (she hates her photo taken).

I find this incredibly upsetting. She has a very womanly figure, small waist, big boobs and big hips - a much more different shape to her friends. If she's going out to a party, she can make herself look amazing - she puts on more fitted clothes and a small amount of make-up.
I've always told her she's beautiful. I've always tried to champion her in whatever she feels like wearing. I just feel like she's a bit lost. It's like she wants to exude confidence but thinks hiding away in an over-sized hoodie will do it.

In that past I've taken her shopping (she hates shopping) and have spent lots of money on nicer clothes that at the time she's enthused about. However they're never worn and end up at the back of the wardrobe.

At 17, she wants to feel attractive and confident although I know not many are truely confident at 17.

How do I help her without ruining her confidence? Last week she started saying she wanted a breast reduction. I objected but she said I can't object because I had one (I did, aged 45). I said she's too young and she said I'd told her I wished I'd had it done when I was younger (I did). She says she's saving for one to have when she's over 18.

This is all normal right? It's really upsetting to see the confident, wear-anything little girl she once was really unhappy in her appearance and hiding away in frumpy, badly fitted retro knitwear and joggers.

If anyone has been through this, where do I start? It's really heartbreaking to see her hating on herself.
I said I'd take her shopping on Sat for new bras and a pair of jeans.......

I'm pretty sure you can try and get breast reduction on the NHS.

Visit your GP and ask for a referral as it's causing her so much anxiety and affecting her MH quite seriously

www.nhs.uk/conditions/breast-reduction-on-the-nhs/

Some girls get used to their big breast and embrace them. So surgery should be very much be a last resort when she’s quite a bit older - a. To be sure she won’t regret it, and b. To be sure she’s stopped growing - I went up 2 bra cup sizes between 18 + 21.

Many teenagers panic about their bodies at her age and she needs to have time to get used to hers before resorting to surgery.

@PatsArrow

She used to play netball and go running but she's slowly stopped that as she s self-conscious about the large boobs. Even with a hood sports bra.

I do know how she feels. I had a breast reduction myself and spent most of my life crippled by them (physically and emotionally). I'm just upset that she feels the same way I guess :(

I genuinely don't understand why you objected to her doing the same.

She's not comfortable with huge breasts; they're heavy and her back and shoulders probably hurt from the bra straps trying to hold them up. And they are holding her back from doing things she wants to do.

Once she's stopped growing, I think you should support her if this is what she wants to do.

M&S do pretty bras up to 40+ J cup.
I'm a 36GG and wear their 36G minimiser bras which honestly make me look MUCH smaller up top.
I wonder why your daughter can look amazing for certain occasions but not school. How about having a try-on day at home where you pair some outfits from her wardrobe and take photos of her wearing them, the 'frumpy' the not too bad ones and the amazing outfits,
Ask her what she thinks of each outfit and what other things would go with each top and bottom. Make it a fun day and get her to throw out the ones that are less flattering. Pin the nice photos on her bedroom wall and tell her to remind herself that she needs to come out of her cocoon and show the world what a beautiful butterfly she really is.
A breast reduction would entail having a psychologist consultation and even at 18, does she really want the pain and scars?

I dressed like this till I was about 18/19. I’d reassure her that loads of people feel like this, it’s as important to look at yourself through a positive lens, keep away from Instagram and look at non surgical ways of feeling good in your skin. I’d support her exploring the reduction as well, but I’m guessing that won’t be a fix-all.

If she's going out to a party, she can make herself look amazing - she puts on more fitted clothes and a small amount of make-up.

Why do you think she makes more effort for a party -- serious question. Because how you describe her party effort sounds like what many girls do daily to attend 6th form. Even if she likes the 'casual' joggers style better, active wear can be fitted, capri trousers are loose but can flatter a small waist. If you had oodles money, you could offer her a stylist to help her do make over (Trinny & Susannah style).

Actually those old episodes must be around, they were brilliant at talking about how to dress well for different body shapes, and therefore how to embrace & accept one's body shape.

Does she feel fat & ugly if she's caught on camera in the party outfit?

Why fat... you seem to describe her as an hourglass, and us hour glass shapes know we have something to flaunt that makes up for any fat. There's a disconnect for me in the different info.

ps: I'm annoyed at PP who aren't reading OP properly, btw. Stop projecting please.

This Is along the lines of what DD wears. Shes more into ripped jeans but wears similar jumpers and DMs or vans. Or paired with a checked shirt.
She looks scruffy a lot of the time, but its her style so I try not to comment!

In your position, I'd probably try and book a personal shopper in a shop, places like John lewis have them, just say that it'll open her up to new options for clothing. Take her for a few new bras first because a bra is the starting point to a spring in the step. I got some lovely ones from Rigby and Peller (sale ones are the way to go- I almost fell through the floor when I got the total amount for 2 bras and 2 pairs of knickers)
It'll open her up to seeing the best of herself. She may decide not to buy anything, but it may give her some ideas to go on, and what she may really like the look of on herself

I was this teen OP, totally unprepared for the very overtly feminine body shape that I had, and also really not emotionally developed enough to deal with the male attention (and sometimes female bitchiness) that comes along with it. So I hid myself and hated myself and developed a really poor relationship with myself and my body. I just wanted the tiny skinny teenage girl body with beesting boobs that all my friends had. That’s a complicated issue and I’m not sure I know the answers as it’s taken lots of unpicking.

Some small changes to begin with based on what you’ve said might be to swap out the joggers for some jeans. Either a pair of cool 70’s looking flares if she’s into that vibe or some nice vintage Levi’s or a pair of cool baggy cords. If she then has a trusty (wear with anything) leather belt she likes (a skate brand or something like that might work) to wear the jeans on her hips or natural waist then that will bring some shape into things without being overtly feminine. She can wear her t-shirts and baggy jumpers with the jeans but will look a bit more put together than joggers. You can further diversify this look, by one day wearing trainers, another day some DM’s, maybe in summer some of the big DM sandals etc. She might then feel comfortable to try some cool vintage looking checked or patterned trousers (Lucy & Yak good for this).

I think you might need to change your thinking on the boob job, she’s totally right in that you had it done, and that you wished you’d done it sooner, she’s got you there. But it’s really not a good idea for her to look into this until she’s fully grown and developed, etc. and she does need to be aware that with pregnancies, weight gain, etc they may get big again. Please listen to her and truly consider supporting her though, you’ve been through it yourself and you know how it is. I’m 35 now and after 12 stone weight loss, I’ve gone from a 40JJ to a 32JJ. They haven’t technically gone down at all, only my back size has. I’m looking at breast augmentation procedures now. I wish I hadn’t delayed all this and spent my life hiding and hating myself.

OP, it sounds as if a whole mixture of things is going on here.

You say you constantly tell your DD how beautiful she is (and I'm sure you do) - but your first post does very much suggest that you think she looks better wearing make-up. I have a DD a similar age to yours, and I've spent ages telling her how she looks lovely just as she is, and doesn't need to change the way she looks with make-up. So is your DD getting mixed messages about what you regard as attractive? She is clearly the one who has told you that she's bothered by it, rather than the other way round - but I suspect that some of it has come from your own desire for her to conform more to some kind of conventional idea of attractiveness.

I agree that she's too young for a breast reduction - but as PP say, she's not too young for you to take her seriously and do some research with her. I'm right at the opposite end of the scale (AA on a good day) so I've always found it a practical problem (can't get dresses to fit, for instance, as they assume you've got at least something up top) - but at least it's not painful and it doesn't stop you from taking part in activities comfortably. It doesn't get you leered at, either. So I would sit down with her and find out what's involved. Who would do it? What are the age restrictions? What size would she feel more comfortable with? That kind of thing. Given that you had one yourself, you're ideally placed to talk to her about it (and I agree with PP that you gave her a very clear message by having your reduction).

It may also be that she's generally insecure about how she looks, and is fixating on her breasts - but that's where pre-op research and possibly counselling might help.

Bravissimo is your friend here. Find a local shop and book a fitting appointment. As a 34JJ it's the only place I go to now.
Once you have the bras then go clothes shopping as it will make clothes fit and look better.
I am similar to your daughter, always in trackies etc when I was younger, I gravitated to jeans and now I'm rarely in anything else, usually paired with a t-shirt or fitted t-shirt. I own a few dresses mainly for holidays (where no one knows me) but I find the comments such as 'oh you have legs, oh you scrub up well etc' really off putting so maybe you can have a word with people about lifting your daughters confidence with better thought out compliments.

You sound a bit like my mum when I was 17, rolling her eyes at DMs and the long flowery skirts I used to wear and my messy scrunched curls. And before that I lived in baggy clothes that were fashionable then.

I don't think she needs fashion tips but her confidence boosting as much as possible. Let her make her fashion faux pas, it's a rite of passage.

Haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if this has been suggested. Could you maybe take a look online together and ask her if there’s anyone whose style / dress sense she likes? I’m not saying she should become anyone’s clone - but rather than telling you what she hates, maybe it would help to know what she likes? If she picks out a couple of people, ask her what she likes - hairstyle, neckline, lipstick, their confidence? That might give you something to work from.

I might add that your breasts have to be a minimum of 500g in weight each, in order for them to be remodelled. The nipples will have to be moved and it might cause some difficulty with breast feeding if she has children in future.
You also need to have a history of back problems caused by the breasts and ongoing pain relief or be depressed as noted by your GP.

I’ve been this girl and it brings back so many painful memories for me. I’m in my 30s and am now a 32HH/34H after DC. When I was 15/16 I was a D cup and by My 20s an F cup and really skinny too which made them seem even bigger. Being a teenager is so difficult. Encourage her to keep up her exercise though because it definitely helped me keep size down at that age, especially weight work in the gym combined with cardio like swimming or running.

Have you seen the bras available on Curvy Kate? Also Panache used to do a brand that was aimed at younger age group, Chloe I think it was called? Worth investigating. I always find if I have good fitting but most importantly sexy underwear on I feel 100x more confident. I know you might not want to think about your daughter wanting to be ‘sexy’ but she is a young woman now and will want to feel attractive to other people. Everything about having big boobs makes life more difficult in a way that people who are a more common size will never understand. Does she have Instagram? There’s a few fantastic bloggers on there that are young and style themselves immaculately. Fuller Bust Inspo is one and I’m sure you’d find others from there. I think before any shopping she needs some thought about what style she wants, not what everyone expects her to wear because it’s fashionable. Big hoodies and smock styles that are common now just make your top half look even bigger. I always go for longer length tops and jumpers where I can get them too so I’m not boxy.

I’d love a reduction now but funds don’t allow unfortunately. Also if she has it young and decides to have a family there’s no guarantee they won’t increase in size again. I think that’s an important conversation to have before she starts saving for it.

Best of luck to her and to you too Mum. You’re being supportive around how she is feeling and that’s what matters.

When somebody tells you about a problem they have, they're not always looking for a solution. Most of the time they just want to sound off and chat with someone about it. Better underwear would help physically but it isn't going to help her mental processes causing her to feel this way. I think listening and talking through it would help more.
Please don't dismiss her wants just because you don't agree with it for her, particularly when you have had the same surgery she is hoping for. Ask yourself why it is OK for you to have had it and wished for it sooner but not her.

She’s 17 years old. Would any GP seriously consider referring a young person who hasn’t finished growing or developing psychologically for such surgery? Doesn’t seem terribly ethical to me.

@ZealAndArdour
You're seriously looking at breast AUGMENTATION with JJ cup breasts?

I remember really struggling with my boobs when I was about 16/17, I was a 32G and everytime I went bra shopping with my mum we went to m&s and all the bras just seemed 'frumpy' in the larger sizes which added to the idea that I was destined to be unattractive.

I found that going bra shopping secretly at Ann summers and buying a nice lacy set really helped my confidence - more able to feel good about my body image because I wasn't in granny underwear.

I’m aware that there’s very big age difference but I think I probably dress more like a teenager than my age so here’s a couple of pics of recent outfits I’ve worn, where I think my boobs are look well proportioned and not in your face, despite their size!

I can highly recommended the brand Manners London for really high compression little jersey tops/dresses, etc. I can safely wear without a bra in summer if I need to, which is no mean feat for a JJ cup.

I wore the stripey top outfit with some trainers and the other two with thick black tights under the jumpsuit/checked trousers and then big platform Dr Martens.

@ZealAndArdour, “augmentation” means to make bigger. Do you actually mean that?

And three more, the leggings with the platform DM’s again and the others with the skate trousers with the adidas superstars again.

@ZealAndArdour, you look great in those outfits

@BalladOfBarryAndFreda I need full reconstruction (possibly with implant) now after so much weight loss and sagging. It’s possibly a two part surgery.