So draining living with teenagers!

[hellswelshy]

Is it just me? I have two teen dd's. They are not awful by any means but my god they are sucking the life out of me! Sullen, sour faced, miserable about 90 % of the time, self absorbed etc. It's like living with two people who I do lots for but in turn they are not interested in me, selfish, and almost constantly simmering with dislike for me Example: one of them just got back from school, I called out hi love how's your day? Grunt in reply. Then Can I go out? That's it, no asking me how my day was, face like thunder. HOW MUCH LONGER WILL THIS LAST????

vbnm89

blimey that sounds tough.
When one of mine chooses to snuggle on sofa and sit and chat and share my evening I am doing YES fistbumps inside, I see it as a parenting win (even when I have to watch Dr Who and Mama Mia)

I have read right through but OMG having teenagers is hard!!! I watch my SIL with her new baby and think how easy it is and how when you have a new baby you think it's hard....

I have two teenagers, 17 & 14.... My 17yo hates me I'm sure. Everything I do or say is wrong. He knows everything and I know nothing. Every answer I get is sarcastic or rude. He never leaves his room other than for college and work....and both of them are an effort to him. He is asked to do one job in the house a day and that's a battle.

I have tried to speak to him about the impact of his attitude on my own mental health and feelings. Sometimes it helps and I get a break but I tried to tell myself it's how many teenagers act, it's not me and things will get better once he's an actual grown up.

I know I was a horrible teenager/young adult and I turned out ok

Thank you for this thread. It has made me feel so much better to know I am not going through the teen years alone. I can relate to so much of it. Very challenging 16 yo DD at the moment. Thought it was supposed to be getting easier by now!

This is straying a bit from the original op, but I think this can be a really difficult time of life for some women and many are quite isolated with it. It's often around the same time when they are supporting elderly parents, some marriages are under strain, there's a threat of redundancy at work, energy levels are declining and some have unpleasant menopause symptoms.

It's the mothers that are often the engine of the family who keeps everything running and at times it can feel too much, especially when you get home, the house is a mess, and there's a teen sprawled across the sofa who doesn't hold back at expressing their dislike for you! It can be quite hurtful. You rarely catch a break and you seem to be putting in more and more effort for diminishing "emotional" returns!

And I've noticed a narrative on-line, that's shared by teens, and is seeping on to Mumsnet, about mothers being by default "toxic" and somehow responsible for all of life's ills. (Obviously I am not talking about genuinely abusive mothers here who deserve condemnation.) But I've noticed among friends and wider acquaintances that fathers seem to escape a similar level of scrutiny and can be somewhat "detached" from domestic and emotional issues while "silly old mum" is the default person who gets the blame when things go wrong! Us mothers have to be perfect in all things: we need the patience of saints, to be emotionally nurturing and self sacrificing, have a swish job, provide an Instagram-worthy house and healthy home-cooked meals, be chief cook, cleaner. chauffeur and tutor. And among teens especially, if we are failing at one of those things, it is now apparently tantamount to "abuse"

Good post. I agree that mothers are expected to be perfect parents, in a way that fathers are not. There's a lot more understanding that dads have other calls on their time and attention, whereas mums aren't allowed to be preoccupied with their own problems at all.

but I think this can be a really difficult time of life for some women and many are quite isolated with it

This is so true. I feel like under way more pressure at this stage of parenting than I ever did when they were little. I feel like a lot of my friends who are childfree or have very young children don't understand that I feel more trapped by motherhood now than I ever did when they were babies!

@Thasheblows88

This is straying a bit from the original op, but I think this can be a really difficult time of life for some women and many are quite isolated with it. It's often around the same time when they are supporting elderly parents, some marriages are under strain, there's a threat of redundancy at work, energy levels are declining and some have unpleasant menopause symptoms.

It's the mothers that are often the engine of the family who keeps everything running and at times it can feel too much, especially when you get home, the house is a mess, and there's a teen sprawled across the sofa who doesn't hold back at expressing their dislike for you! It can be quite hurtful. You rarely catch a break and you seem to be putting in more and more effort for diminishing "emotional" returns!

And I've noticed a narrative on-line, that's shared by teens, and is seeping on to Mumsnet, about mothers being by default "toxic" and somehow responsible for all of life's ills. (Obviously I am not talking about genuinely abusive mothers here who deserve condemnation.) But I've noticed among friends and wider acquaintances that fathers seem to escape a similar level of scrutiny and can be somewhat "detached" from domestic and emotional issues while "silly old mum" is the default person who gets the blame when things go wrong! Us mothers have to be perfect in all things: we need the patience of saints, to be emotionally nurturing and self sacrificing, have a swish job, provide an Instagram-worthy house and healthy home-cooked meals, be chief cook, cleaner. chauffeur and tutor. And among teens especially, if we are failing at one of those things, it is now apparently tantamount to "abuse"

Agree. It's absolutely not straying from my original post, very valid point. I'm finding this part of motherhood so much harder than any other and this likely coincides with a crisis of confidence within due to peri menopausal symptoms. Lots to think about here.

That's so true about lack of confidence op. I think if I had DC again, I would have them earlier for this reason. And higher energy levels!

Sorry that was meant to say "if I could do this all over again" ! I obviously can't at my age!

My DS was a miserable, rude, ungrateful, sod for 4 years but now he's lovely at 16 again. So pleased to have him back again finally.

Fortunately DD 15 has been consistently lovely with the odd strop here and there.

@QuizzicalEyebrows

My DS was a miserable, rude, ungrateful, sod for 4 years but now he's lovely at 16 again. So pleased to have him back again finally.

I like this post! @QuizzicalEyebrows did you do anything specific to help or was it just time that helped?

@coffeetofunction your son sounds like mine so sympathies. It's bloody exhausting and the 'abuser you can't leave' really resonates . we all walk on eggshells & our day is dictated by his moods which obviously worsens if we ask him to do anything.
A few years ago all my kids would cook a meal once a week, help around the house occasionally, sit and chat at mealtimes, make beds etc just as part of everyday family life but I get a barrage of abuse if I do much as gently remind ds16 to put his bowl in the bloody dishwasher . Because I can't face the constant arguing he now does fuck all and that irritates me and his siblings (who thank god are so far still lovely and keep me sane)

Sorry, tough morning - being told to fuck off because I woke him up too loudly has put me in a really low mood I even had a little cry when he left for school and I'm normally such a level headed and upbeat person. Not sure how much more of his abuse I can take so generally avoid engaging which I get upset about too.

Sigh. Nice to know I'm not alone at least.

@QuizzicalEyebrows

My DS was a miserable, rude, ungrateful, sod for 4 years but now he's lovely at 16 again. So pleased to have him back again finally.

yes, our ds was similar.

I think they just grow up.
Also in sixth form his friendship group became really strong and that gave him confidence.
And he had 2 friends who he spent a lot of time with (one was a new girlfriend) He was quite surprised at how their homes worked, and he realised that we weren't bad as parents and were pretty supportive of him.
It made him greatful!

or even : grateful!

huh. I have not been on Mumsnet in many a fine year but the eldest is sending me back to the lion's den and to x 100. DS is 13 and seriously the most exhausting person I've ever met - always was, mind you, it's just 1000x worse now. So I am taking great comfort from others' experiences. He went into town to meet a friend. It's St Patrick's Day so the parade is on (We live in Dublin). They miss each other, friend doesnt have mobile data. Cue endless unspeakably rude texts, refusal to asnwer phone etc. I basically turned off my phone and told him to make his own way home. Oh and phone is on 1% (how can they be so utterly stupid?). This is all panic and anxiety, but I am so sick and tired of being shouted at, sworn at, even when I am just trying, calmly, to help him sort whatever mess he's made. Seriously, just leaves a trail of destruction whereever he goes - emotional and literal. He has ASD and probably ADHD, and is trans and and and. I mean, could it be any MORE complicated? aaargh. Certainly my mental health is in the bin, concentration likewise because I can't trust him to do the right thing in any given situation. So far he is fairly good about being where he says he'll be, but that's about it. DP says anti-depressants definitely take the edge off

A few years ago all my kids would cook a meal once a week, help around the house occasionally, sit and chat at mealtimes, make beds etc just as part of everyday family life but I get a barrage of abuse if I do much as gently remind ds16 to put his bowl in the bloody dishwasher sad. Because I can't face the constant arguing he now does fuck all and that irritates me and his siblings (who thank god are so far still lovely and keep me sane)

My god it's such a relief reading this! I thought it was just me and that I was a complete and utter failure as a parent . My DH is not a great role model when it comes to household chores tbh, but despite that, my dds happily completed chores and helped out between the ages of about eight and fourteen but after that, they were so hostile to being told to do anything! Even asking them to pass a serving dish down the table resulted in eye rolls. And if I asked them to wash up or something, the upset it caused in the end, just wasn't worth the bother so I gave up and felt weak and useless as a result! It was partly because they seemed so stressed and we were walking on eggshells all the time that I avoided "poking the beast" and just settled for no help, but a relatively calm house.

It is getting slightly better now. One of them offered to cook the other day and the other did a voluntary clear out of her wardrobe, so hopefully things will continue to improve as time goes on.

Happy St Patrick's Day rhetorician!
Sorry everything is so hard atm

Happy St Patricks. Is there a patron Saint of teenagers I wonder.

Having a really shit time today. Both teens super grumpy at school pick up. I have spent ages cooking different meals and we can't even all sit and eat and watch TV together because one wants horror. I'm so so tired and fed up with having to set the tone of the house and be resilient and accommodating.

Doesn't help that I recently split from their dad and he is being an arse to me and lovely to them.

Its like everyone has it in for me.

@rhetorician I get it. My 15 year old dd is also ASD and that combined with teenage girl shit has tested my parenting to the limit.

Lots of current issues with school anxiety/erratic attendance. She hates her dad even though he’s a kind loving father. And more worryingly in recent months she’s developed intense negative feelings towards her oldest sister (20) to the point that’s she’s paranoid about her looking at her and won’t even pass her on the stairs. Oldest dd has moved out to a student flat but this is her permanent home so comes back sometimes. We were supposed to have a family holiday to Mexico at Easter but it can’t currently go ahead. We’ll move it to Christmas and hope things are better by then. Dd says oldest sister is bullying her and a bi* ☹️

I wish trying to get them to eat healthy was my issue. I'm told I'm disgusting to drink a Diet Coke.

If I dare to serve anything not freshly prepared from scratch, after a long day at work , I'm lectured on the nutritional value.

Most times what I cook (a mixture of home prepared/sometimes jar sauce/frozen food but generally balanced and mostly healthy) is left and then they will cook food themselves which involves using every single pot, utensil, herb, spice in the house and trashing the kitchen and stinking the house out 😵‍💫.

It's the cause of endless arguments and despite spending a fortune on (mostly fresh) and some frozen food each week I'm constantly told there is no food in the house. Made extra difficult by the frivolous changing of likes/dislikes on an almost daily basis!

If I didn't have younger dc to feed I would just give up and live on toast and let them do the cooking/shopping themselves!

I do at least have utterly delightful DD2 who is also caught in the crossfire a lot of the time, and I do worry about the impact on her as well of the endless shouting, swearing etc. And she's 10, so there's always the risk that she will turn into a total gobshite too - to be fair the eldest was always difficult, would never do anything they were told, set out to create conflict etc. Anyway, it's a lovely sunny day here and no-one is up yet except me (I did laugh at the "It's Up" comment!!)

It's like having a massive toddler sometimes. The sighing and grumpiness is so annoying.

@rhetoricianI'm the same with my youngest just turned 12, still lovely but can clearly hear the vile language and constant arguing and I do worry how it will impact him.

Another joyous morning with DS16 getting angry because I dared to chivvy him up (his bus leaves at 8am and at 7:45 he was pissing about on his phone, in a towel, bag not packed and all his breakfast stuff still out).
I did leave him to it for a while to save the morning arguments but he left chaos and was continually late for registration (and so school got arsey with me for his non-attendance!) Jesus wept you can't win and DH doesn't help when he seems surprised I'm crying after DS spoke to me like dirt again and can't understand why I let it bother me so much

@Climbingthelaundrymountain give me 5 grumpy toddlers over 1 mardy teenager ANY day (I was a childminder for years so well versed in multiple small people!).

I just take comfort knowing I'm not alone, it might not be due to crap parenting after all and there is a chance he will come back to us at some point so thank you all or more appropriate