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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

at what age would you let your dd go on this train journey?

143 replies

steppemum · 31/01/2022 11:22

dd is 14 and has a very close friend who lives in a large city 200 miles away (not London).

dd is on the one hand quite sensible, and acts like the mother hen to her friends, and over prepares and plans for things, and on the other hand quite anxious and struggles with mental health.
She is very familiar with trains and goes on the train to school every day, she has done slightly longer journey to meet up with friends.

She wants to go and visit this friend. She is really desperate to go and see them, misses them a lot. They came to visit in the summer and over Christmas as they were on the way home from visiting relatives.

I have refused to drive up there. The friends mother does not want to drive down. (and to be honest, while the mum is a friend of mine, if one of us drives it means we are then spending 2-3 days together which I don't really want to give my time to).

The only other way is for her to go by train or bus. Both require several changes, either in London, or at eg Birmingham New Street.

I have said no. If there was a train with no changes then yes. if she was 16, then yes, if she was not alone, then yes, but 3 changes in big city stations (her school train is little local stations) at 14, then no.

Am I being unreasonable? I'm struggling to hold the line here in the face of full emotional assault from her and from the friend via friend's mother.

She and the friend have spent all weekend trying to find a route - what if I went on this route and so only changed at XX and YY stations (not large stations)

OP posts:
Mischance · 31/01/2022 11:24

Is there a direct coach?

Original poster
steppemum · 31/01/2022 11:25

@Mischance

Is there a direct coach?
no, buses also require 2 changes, and in large city centres.
OP posts:
Muchtoomuchtodo · 31/01/2022 11:28

Could you go with her as far as seeing her off on the train from the big station?
Then enjoy a day in London or Birmingham or wherever it is?

Doona · 31/01/2022 11:28

I might let her go, if she's sensible. She'd have her phone and you could check in with her. I did similarly long trips when I was 14. Mind you, I did have occasional encounters with weird men.

ArachnidArachnid · 31/01/2022 11:29

I’m really surprised the journey is so complicated!! Are u sure there isn’t a simpler route?
But yes I’d let her do it. She’s not travelling at night? No very long waits between transfer? Got a good plan where she knows what to do in case of hassle/ cancellations?

RuthTopp · 31/01/2022 11:29

I wouldn't allow her to do it . Yes she might be a mature 14 years old , but at the end of the day , she is 14 . Highly unlikely anything would go wrong , but if it were ( train engine trouble, diverting , part of the journey cancelled so put on buses for part onward travel , miss the connection etc ) it chances how she might cope.

DSGR · 31/01/2022 11:33

I wouldn’t let her do it but I would drive her and stay over in a hotel nearby and pamper myself/do some shopping! I think it’s mean to say no if you’re not willing to drive/train it with her

titchy · 31/01/2022 11:35

Could they meet halfway?

LindaEllen · 31/01/2022 11:45

If she wanted to go, and was prepared to deal with the bigger stations, I'd let her, so long as there would be someone meeting her at the other end and she agreed to stay in tough regularly.

She also needs to have the confidence to ask a member of staff where she needs to go if she gets confused when switching trains.

If you think she would be able to do these things, I see no harm.

MoiraNotRuby · 31/01/2022 11:47

She sounds capable and confident. I would say yes, and make sure she has phone, and power bank, and some money. Its a brilliant life skill that she is telling you she is ready to learn.

Original poster
steppemum · 31/01/2022 11:49

@DSGR

I wouldn’t let her do it but I would drive her and stay over in a hotel nearby and pamper myself/do some shopping! I think it’s mean to say no if you’re not willing to drive/train it with her
So i need to take 2 days off work to make this happen in a city I don't want to visit? I have no interest in pampering or shopping for 2 days, and I cannot afford a hotel, never mind the cost of driving her up there and back.
OP posts:
sunflowerdaisyrose · 31/01/2022 11:50

I would let her go if she's mature and sensible, I was doing similar trips at that age with no mobile phone (I did have my charge card though!).

LiterallyKnowsBest · 31/01/2022 11:50

I have refused to drive up there.

200 miles isn’t a long drive …

Why not drive her one way then ask her friend’s parent or another responsible adult to accompany her as far as the first change over on the way back?

I think it’s unreasonable to give a blanket no rather than helping her to find an acceptable solution.

Original poster
steppemum · 31/01/2022 11:53

@Muchtoomuchtodo

Could you go with her as far as seeing her off on the train from the big station? Then enjoy a day in London or Birmingham or wherever it is?
I would think about this if it was one change, but unfortunately it is more than one.

So I don't want to give away location, but for example, into London, change trains (ok so the example falls down as she would have to change stations in London) then change again in Bristol and Cardiff. or London and then change in Birmingham and Sheffield.

and to the person who asked, yes it really is that complicated.
I don't mind the first change actually, it is a smaller town/station, but the next 2 are big cities.

OP posts:
110APiccadilly · 31/01/2022 11:56

I was doing this sort of journey at 14 (and I didn't have a mobile phone at that age). I think it's ok at this age. Make sure she gets tickets with plenty of time for the changes. I would actually encourage changing at the big stations rather than small ones as there will be lots of staff around to help her find platforms etc if she needs it. Trains are very safe, so are stations, particularly manned ones, and it's a good life skill to be able to navigate the railway system.

ChevyCamaro · 31/01/2022 11:57

No, I wouldn’t. A direct train, yes, but not with all those changes, not at 14. I would maybe see if I could drive her to a direct train?

Dammitthisisshit · 31/01/2022 11:57

I think I would find a way to let them. If the friends mum is ok with them doing it then could her daughter come to you? Could you take her to the first change station so you know she’s done the first leg? Also avoid London if changing means going across by tube to another station, but large train stations where they are just changing platforms its much less risk. Also get her to activate phone tracking so you can see where she is.
* disclaimer: mine aren’t 14 yet so I’m sure I’ll worry just as much when they are! *

OlafLovesAnna · 31/01/2022 11:58

My 14 year old boy has done it (S Coast to London with one change) I was very dubious as he's quite ditsy but thought that he might as well give it a go and it seemed as good a time as any.

He managed to miss a stop as unbeknownst to us it was a train that split and he didn't understand what to. If I'd have thought about that eventually beforehand I would have assumed it would be a disaster but he managed to google different changes and call me and it worked out fine in the end and he was pleased he'd coped with it all.

Is there any way you can minimise changes by taking your DD to the biggest station close by?

So, long story short I would probably allow it if it was my daughter on the condition I could track her on Find My IPhone or similar, that she had the ticket app and know how to look up changes, and that when it came to it I was on hand to 'rescue' if needed.

That said you've got to be comfortable, so if you're not ready then she'll have to hang on for a while longer.

MaizeAmaze · 31/01/2022 11:59

I actually prefer changing at big stations. They are properly signed, and have lots of people and staff about.

Is there a bigger station close-ish that gets you a more direct route? Mum used to drive me 20 miles to big city to get a single change rather than local train station a mile away that involved extra changes.

I think are probably right, and it's something for next year, not this year tho.

Original poster
steppemum · 31/01/2022 11:59

She also needs to have the confidence to ask a member of staff where she needs to go if she gets confused when switching trains.

actually you may have hit on the crunch of the problem. When worried she is not likely to approach a stranger, even a station guard to ask for help.

It is a 3.5 hour drive door to door, and that is a long way. I have no trouble driving it if I had to, (well apart from the fact that the route is notorious for delays and problems, but hey)

But it is a big ask. She as seen this person more in the last 6 months than I have seen either of my brothers and their families, or any of my friends.
If I am taking 2 days off over half term and driving somewhere, I'd like to catch up with a friend/relative I haven't seen. I
I really really miss my closest friend who lives in London, because at each time when we could have travelled, London was in lockdown.

and money is tight, she knows that, so there are a limited number of trips we can do in a year like this.

OP posts:
blyn72 · 31/01/2022 11:59

@Doona

I might let her go, if she's sensible. She'd have her phone and you could check in with her. I did similarly long trips when I was 14. Mind you, I did have occasional encounters with weird men.
I agree with above. Just make sure she goes in carriage with several other passengers.
Doona · 31/01/2022 12:00

Actually, I wouldn't. I've changed my mind! Some of those big city stations can be very confusing and stressful. The first time trying it should be closer to home or with a friend.

Toddlerteaplease · 31/01/2022 12:00

Can't you meet half way?

DearlyBeloathed · 31/01/2022 12:01

@DSGR

I wouldn’t let her do it but I would drive her and stay over in a hotel nearby and pamper myself/do some shopping! I think it’s mean to say no if you’re not willing to drive/train it with her
Not everyone can afford to go and stay in a hotel and 'pamper' themselves for no real reason.
MrsMoastyToasty · 31/01/2022 12:02

Can you drive halfway and meet at motorway services ? (Ideally one with a bridge over the motorway or failing that go to the next exit and then rejoin the motorway heading back towards the services).