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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

at what age would you let your dd go on this train journey?

143 replies

steppemum · 31/01/2022 11:22

dd is 14 and has a very close friend who lives in a large city 200 miles away (not London).

dd is on the one hand quite sensible, and acts like the mother hen to her friends, and over prepares and plans for things, and on the other hand quite anxious and struggles with mental health.
She is very familiar with trains and goes on the train to school every day, she has done slightly longer journey to meet up with friends.

She wants to go and visit this friend. She is really desperate to go and see them, misses them a lot. They came to visit in the summer and over Christmas as they were on the way home from visiting relatives.

I have refused to drive up there. The friends mother does not want to drive down. (and to be honest, while the mum is a friend of mine, if one of us drives it means we are then spending 2-3 days together which I don't really want to give my time to).

The only other way is for her to go by train or bus. Both require several changes, either in London, or at eg Birmingham New Street.

I have said no. If there was a train with no changes then yes. if she was 16, then yes, if she was not alone, then yes, but 3 changes in big city stations (her school train is little local stations) at 14, then no.

Am I being unreasonable? I'm struggling to hold the line here in the face of full emotional assault from her and from the friend via friend's mother.

She and the friend have spent all weekend trying to find a route - what if I went on this route and so only changed at XX and YY stations (not large stations)

OP posts:

EileenGC · 31/01/2022 12:03

I would let her go but my family have always been very hands off. I moved abroad at 16, we all flew unaccompanied from the age of 12 etc… it’s something we’re very used to do and my teenage siblings still do, for those saying that it was different in the 80’s - this is recent experience, and in my opinion extremely useful to gain such independence from a young age.

Do the stops involve a change of station? Or do trains arrive and depart from the same station - eg she doesn’t have to go from Paddington to Euston for example? If same station and she can confidently read boards and locate a new platform, I don’t see why she shouldn’t go.

The advantage of busy stations in big cities is that there will be lots of help should she need it. In tiny train stations there is sometimes no staff so nobody to ask if for example a screen is faulty or the train just isn’t showing up, or there’s a problem with your ticket. There will always be people she can approach in London, Sheffield or Birmingham.

Original poster

steppemum · 31/01/2022 12:04

It is hard, because she is right at that age when I am not sure, last year definiet no. Next year probably yes, but right now, my instinct is saying no.

Could the friend come here? No. Lots of reasons which I'm not going to go into, but that isn't an option.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 31/01/2022 12:05

Apologies if this isn't helpful, as I know things are different nowadays. I really wanted to share my experience that at that age I was travelling between and school by my self, parents dropped me at the airport and saw me through check out through into the departure lounge After the flight, I crossed London by tube and caught a train from a main line station up to the nearest station to school.

I didn't stay overnight in a hotel until I was fifteen but suspect that was more due to availability of flights than any milestone of maturity.

No phones in those days. We had a code so that I could phone from a public call box, using a different number of rings. My parents would only pick up if I did the 'help' combination. I never needed to.

They may have been less aware of the dangers. I think it helped my resilience to be trusted on this journey by myself. Travel , or anything else doesn't faze me

My sister was six years older, all I ever wanted to do was to be allowed to do things she was allowed to do.

Would you feel better taking the journey with her the first time, until perhaps the last leg, when you could turn back ?

MrBlobbyLivesNextDoor · 31/01/2022 12:05

No I wouldn't, 14 seems a little bit too young. Even for a capable 14 year old. My 14 year old has asked for something similar. Would friends parent consider picking them up at half way point? I might consider doing that maybe.

ginabe · 31/01/2022 12:06

I think it's really harsh to just say no without helping her come up with a more acceptable plan. I would be talking to the parents of the other child to see if you could come up with a plan together.

Original poster

steppemum · 31/01/2022 12:09

EileenGC

Funnily enough my parents were also abroad, and I was put on a train in Liverpool and met in London from beginning of secondary school. Then my brothers and I flew 'unaccompanied minors' overseas.
The difference was that I didn't have to change and both stations were a terminus, and we were put on train and met.

My instinct is usually to let them. Dh and I have talked about if we would have let ds or dd1 do the same, (both older). And dd1 did loads of stuff with scouts, including going round London at 13. The difference was that they were always in a group and there were leaders in the background in emergencies.

OP posts:

givemepiece · 31/01/2022 12:12

My son was doing this kind of trip at that age, he knew to ask station staff if there were any issues, he took a charger he could plug his phone into on the train, the route planner had plenty of time between changes so no panic to run for the next train, I put him in 1st class so he was guaranteed a seat, it was quieter etc (1st class child ticket was reasonable price)

I would let her go.

RobinPenguins · 31/01/2022 12:15

Isn’t she far safer changing at “big” “city” stations which will be busier and better staffed than she is hanging around at a small, potentially unstaffed, station?

Original poster

steppemum · 31/01/2022 12:16

I know that several people are saying it is harsh to not help her find a solution.

I have not said no to finding a way to do this at Easter, or possibly in the summer holidays. I have said that there is no possiblity at half term.

As I said, this is a bloody inconvenient journey and she has seen this friend at Christmas.
I do think that sometimes they have to learn that no, it is not possible to do what you want to do, budget, time, lack of annual leave and distance mean that you cannot always see people. She knows I have a friend in Scotland who I have not seen since before she was born for exactly this reason.

OP posts:

StrawberryFever · 31/01/2022 12:17

I think 14 is a little young for the journey you describe.

Is there anyway you could accompany her for part of the journey and the friend's dm for part i.e. you put her on a train at the first big city, the friend and her Mum meet her at the second big city, thus avoiding the changes? (I appreciate that the feasibility of this depends how far into the journey the changes are)

RobinPenguins · 31/01/2022 12:17

Is there a compromise to be had - you accompany her on the first leg, see her on to the second train, the friend’s parent meets her off the second leg and gets on the third train with her? If part of the concern is that she hasn’t done this particular route or journey before then this would help for future trips too.

Echobelly · 31/01/2022 12:17

If DD feels confident to do it, I'd allow and discuss contingency for any problems, missed connections etc.

Mine is 13.5 and I'm planning to allow a trip to Brighton with a friend in spring or summer (we're in London)

FairyLightQueen · 31/01/2022 12:17

I did a journey from Scotland to St Ives when I was 14 and I found the London change much easier than the St Erth change. London had loads of signposts, was easy to navigate, St Erth was empty and unclear. I'd let her go tbh

chesirecat99 · 31/01/2022 12:18

My DC made similar type trips at that age. Although it was a route they had travelled many times with us, the route changed depending on the time of day and the changes were all in big stations, the platform changed every trip.

She might be eligible for Passenger Assist. One of my DC's friends came to visit us by train when she was 15. She suffered from anxiety and panic attacks so didn't feel able to navigate the change at a large station on her own. A member of staff met her at the train (reserved seat so they were waiting outside the carriage door) and escorted her to the next train.

Original poster

steppemum · 31/01/2022 12:18

@givemepiece

I would let her go.

I probably would have let ds do it actually.

dd2 is a thin, frail looking girl with an 'I'm nervous' vibe.

I know there should not be a difference between boys and girls, but, well, in real life there just is.

OP posts:

Original poster

steppemum · 31/01/2022 12:20

Interesting variety of responses.

Thank you all for your input.

I think the balance is probably about 50/50 with those letting her go v. those saying no.
Which exactly mirrors my own dilema!

OP posts:

frasersmummy · 31/01/2022 12:21

I wouldn't..I.let my very sensible mature and capable 14 year old get a train to meet friends in our local city ..direct train 20 mins

Coming back he got flustered as we told him to get the train to xx forgetting that the train was actually for yy but stopping at xx

He was in a panic ..yes that was my fault I should have explained not just to look.at the destination...but it goes to show how easily at that age simple mistakes cause panic

That's a lot of changes where simple things can cause this ..let alone delays cancellation or god forbid confrontation on the train if seat allocations are turned off (happened to me as an adult)

So I would say no

StrawberryFever · 31/01/2022 12:22

Or do you have any trustworthy friends/ relatives who live near the change points who could meet her just to ensure she safely gets to the next train?

My suggestions aside, i don't think it's unreasonable to say she needs to wait until Easter either.

DearlyBeloathed · 31/01/2022 12:24

@steppemum

I know that several people are saying it is harsh to not help her find a solution.

I have not said no to finding a way to do this at Easter, or possibly in the summer holidays. I have said that there is no possiblity at half term.

It isn't harsh.

She saw her at Christmas, so i'm sure she can hang on till the Easter break when the trip becomes a more viable option.

Original poster

steppemum · 31/01/2022 12:25

frasersmummy
she gets the train eveyr day to school, so actually all the things that flustered you dc she is used to.

But that is sort of part of the problem, she thinks all trains are that easy. She has never been to a large station with 24 platforms.
I have done almost the same journey as her 2 years ago (I am very comfortable and familiar with trains) but nearly missed my train as i could not find the platform, which was in an odd corner. If she missed her connection, she will miss the next connection and then she is stuffed.
Which is why I am not happy about the journey with 2 changes. (or three if you count the local change, which I am not worried about)

OP posts:

RobinPenguins · 31/01/2022 12:26

Saying not at half term isn’t unfair though, particularly if it’s combined with a plan for how it can be done at Easter or the summer holidays.

VariationsonaTheme · 31/01/2022 12:26

My dd does a similar journey every few weeks. So long as she can read the train information boards accurately and listen carefully to any tannoy instructions I would let her do it.

Original poster

steppemum · 31/01/2022 12:29

Her older sister has offered in principle to go as far as the first big city interchange, but then realised she is working and can't do it. (and realised how much it would cost!)

Ironically as she is 14, she gets half fare, any of us going with her, we have to pay full fare, and as I said I simply don't have the money to do that.

OP posts:

Elderflower14 · 31/01/2022 12:31

When I was 14 and at boarding school in the 1980s, on exeat weekends I was put in a taxi in my uniform, driven to Bristol Parkway and got on the train to London... I used to then get out of my uniform. At Paddington I would spend most of my taxi money on magazines and get the tube (30p!!!) to Liverpool Street and then get the train to Ipswich... Don't think I'd let my 14 year old do that now!!

BabyFeb22 · 31/01/2022 12:32

I'd personally let her go. Believe me she'll be more concerned about doing the journey than you will be. At 14 I use to get trains/buses to the airport and fly to Spain to visit my grandparents on my own as my mum could never get time off work. When it was first agreed I was allowed I was over the moon but I won't lie that first time I was shitting myself but managed it without any issues. If you do let her just remind her to keep in touch at each change and that it's no big issue if she needs to call you and say she's panicking/can't find the platform or just needs a quick mum pick me up 😊

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