at what age would you let your dd go on this train journey?

[steppemum]

dd is 14 and has a very close friend who lives in a large city 200 miles away (not London).

dd is on the one hand quite sensible, and acts like the mother hen to her friends, and over prepares and plans for things, and on the other hand quite anxious and struggles with mental health.
She is very familiar with trains and goes on the train to school every day, she has done slightly longer journey to meet up with friends.

She wants to go and visit this friend. She is really desperate to go and see them, misses them a lot. They came to visit in the summer and over Christmas as they were on the way home from visiting relatives.

I have refused to drive up there. The friends mother does not want to drive down. (and to be honest, while the mum is a friend of mine, if one of us drives it means we are then spending 2-3 days together which I don't really want to give my time to).

The only other way is for her to go by train or bus. Both require several changes, either in London, or at eg Birmingham New Street.

I have said no. If there was a train with no changes then yes. if she was 16, then yes, if she was not alone, then yes, but 3 changes in big city stations (her school train is little local stations) at 14, then no.

Am I being unreasonable? I'm struggling to hold the line here in the face of full emotional assault from her and from the friend via friend's mother.

She and the friend have spent all weekend trying to find a route - what if I went on this route and so only changed at XX and YY stations (not large stations)

Of course it's not easy and we all hate disappointing them but 14 year olds are not great judges of their own abilities. She will be cross with you for a while but if she goes and has problems she will blame you for letting her go! You can't win so you can only do what you feel is right for her.

@Mo1911

I would drive her. I've done such trips, probably longer in terms of mileage, in order for my son and his friends to visit a friend that has moved away from our area, I took all three of them and it was no hassle at all.

You don't have to spend time with the other mother, just tell her that you're booking into a cheap b&b and going shopping having some you time etc.

and yet I have said driving is not happening, I can't afford a B&B/hotel and I don;t want to take annual leave to have 'me' time.

Nice when people read the thread

I'd consider driving halfway and asking friend to meet her . Same coming back.
I'd be reluctant to let her go all that way by train - I've been caught out too many times by missed connections, delays, cancelled trains etc. Also, too many weirdos who walk around trains talking to women on their own. Coach is a much better option, but as you say, there's another change

@Sillydoggy

So - it sounds like you want to say no for some very good reasons

You are worried about the friendship
You are worried about her being a target for harassment on the way
You think she won't ask for help if something goes wrong

Each of these is a good enough reason for saying no, are you just worried about her reaction? If so then when you say no you can suggest some positive steps to help her become more confident and talk vaguely about future trips.

Thanks sillydoggy, I think this thread has helped me to clarify those exact things.

She is not ready.
I will make a plan for Easter on the coach.

I am going to disappear now as I am busy for the rest of the afternoon.

Thanks for your help

Nice when people are polite in their answers! For your information it was a cross post, I hadn't seen your response before I posted but my opinion still stands.
If you post questions on forums you have to be prepared for the answers you want and for answers that you disagree with. Either way people are taking time to try to help, even if the response is bonkers there's no need to be rude!

I hope your daughter enjoys her trip to see her friend whenever and however it happens.

OP, FWIW, I think you have made a sensible decision. Good luck with the fallout.

@DSGR

I wouldn’t let her do it but I would drive her and stay over in a hotel nearby and pamper myself/do some shopping! I think it’s mean to say no if you’re not willing to drive/train it with her

Yes op maybe book a spa day and hire a cleaner while you're at it! Peak middle class mn!

Hmm I was originally thinking you are being a bit u but as you've said said wouldnt cope well with any issues and wouldn't approach anyone to ask for help, probably not. While she could be fine, all it takes is one delayed train/signal issue/creepy man making her feel uncomfortable and she's on her own miles from either you or her friend or anyone she knows.

How did her friend manage to visit you before?

For your information it was a cross post, I hadn't seen your response before I posted but my opinion still stands.

err, those things have been on the thread since about page 1?
In fact some of them were in the OP?
and they have all been repeated more than once?

That's why you got the sarcastic response.
Happy to have all opinions as I have also said several times, they are all helpful.

At least read all OPs posts before commenting.

@Mo1911

Nice when people are polite in their answers! For your information it was a cross post, I hadn't seen your response before I posted but my opinion still stands. If you post questions on forums you have to be prepared for the answers you want and for answers that you disagree with. Either way people are taking time to try to help, even if the response is bonkers there's no need to be rude!

I hope your daughter enjoys her trip to see her friend whenever and however it happens.

Well, try reading all of the OP's posts before commenting then.

Yes op maybe book a spa day and hire a cleaner while you're at it! Peak middle class mn!

It's so cringeworthy isn't it .

How did her friend manage to visit you before?

family have relatives in our area, so they came on the way back from visiting them.
I am friends with Mum, so they called in to visit.
that is how they met, they have never lived in same place.

I wouldn’t be happy about my very mature and capable almost 14 year old doing that journey.

In all honesty though the idea of putting her on the coach in London may end up being the best compromise I still don’t think I’d be happy with a 14 year old doing a journey of that length to an unfamiliar place alone. I’d consider it, but it’s a long way.

I’d see if the other mum could meet half way and if not I’d probably drive her up and spend sometime doing things by myself and having some me time in a b&b.

I’m actually surprised how many people are fine with a 14 travelling that far alone.

anyway, I'm off

Thanks all.

The added problem is that some of the train companies are still on temporary timetables, which are subject to change.

Never mind the sudden changes of platform that can happen with little notice - an inexperienced 14 year old might not hear the announcement.

I would also add that you can see live arrivals, departures and platform numbers online, and download plans of stations. If she has a map of the stations and internet access (or you on the end of the phone), she probably wouldn't need to speak to anyone for assistance. Although obviously, Passenger Assist would be better.

@ADisgruntledPelican

^I have already said, her mum can't do that this half term so a half way meet is not possible this time.

and for various reasons, she can't do this at the weekend, due to prior commitments by both girls on sat/sun.
It would have to be on a working day over half term.^

@steppemum that makes sense.

@ChiefWiggumsBoy I've already explained I'd do that drive for my DC because I think the lockdown has been particularly hard for young teens. You seem overly emotional about all this. Perhaps you should take your own advice about getting a grip.

ROFL

I read all the posts from OP not from you dude. Not that it’s in any way relevant what you would do - OP doesn’t want to drive that far. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t like the friendship.

But sure I’ll go and get a grip.

@steppemum

I know that several people are saying it is harsh to not help her find a solution.

I have not said no to finding a way to do this at Easter, or possibly in the summer holidays. I have said that there is no possiblity at half term.

As I said, this is a bloody inconvenient journey and she has seen this friend at Christmas.
I do think that sometimes they have to learn that no, it is not possible to do what you want to do, budget, time, lack of annual leave and distance mean that you cannot always see people. She knows I have a friend in Scotland who I have not seen since before she was born for exactly this reason.

I agree OP. Not sure why people think it's so harsh. Sometimes you just can't do something and that's it. If she's just been with the friend at Christmas, they can't be that desperate to see each other!

I'd let her go. I certainly did comparable journeys at that age and that was pre mobile phone.