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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

at what age would you let your dd go on this train journey?

143 replies

steppemum · 31/01/2022 11:22

dd is 14 and has a very close friend who lives in a large city 200 miles away (not London).

dd is on the one hand quite sensible, and acts like the mother hen to her friends, and over prepares and plans for things, and on the other hand quite anxious and struggles with mental health.
She is very familiar with trains and goes on the train to school every day, she has done slightly longer journey to meet up with friends.

She wants to go and visit this friend. She is really desperate to go and see them, misses them a lot. They came to visit in the summer and over Christmas as they were on the way home from visiting relatives.

I have refused to drive up there. The friends mother does not want to drive down. (and to be honest, while the mum is a friend of mine, if one of us drives it means we are then spending 2-3 days together which I don't really want to give my time to).

The only other way is for her to go by train or bus. Both require several changes, either in London, or at eg Birmingham New Street.

I have said no. If there was a train with no changes then yes. if she was 16, then yes, if she was not alone, then yes, but 3 changes in big city stations (her school train is little local stations) at 14, then no.

Am I being unreasonable? I'm struggling to hold the line here in the face of full emotional assault from her and from the friend via friend's mother.

She and the friend have spent all weekend trying to find a route - what if I went on this route and so only changed at XX and YY stations (not large stations)

OP posts:
Salamander91 · 31/01/2022 12:33

I wouldn't let her go on her own. The first time I did this kind of trip (age 15/16) I went with my friend and her older sibling. On the way home there was lots of cancellations and having to go to different stations etc. I would have found it really overwhelming if I was on my own.

I would try and come up with a solution with her though.

irene9 · 31/01/2022 12:34

I'd say no. You could say you might go up in the summer holidays.
I was on a train once and two young lads were unaccompanied. They were about 11 and 9 say. This was before kids had mobile phones, but adults had them.
I saw them get up together as if to get off but the tea trolley blocked their path. They waited behind him and then sat down again. A while later I heard an old woman up the carriage tell another woman 'they were supposed to off at X but they didn't'. No one did anything so for a few minutes I was confused about what was going on.
Then I went up to the two lads and asked them did they mean to get off back there. I asked will I ring your mother. Luckily the older one had her number off by heart. I rang her and sure enough they had missed their stop. The aunt was to collect them and had rung the mother to say they weren't there. We arranged that the aunt would drive on to the next station and collect them.
Just an example of how a simple thing is impossible for a youngster to do. They couldn't say to the tea trolley guy will you get out of the way I need to get off here!! They just wait for adults to tell them what to do.

londonmummy1966 · 31/01/2022 12:35

I'm usually all for letting them do this type of journey - mine have been navigating big stations to go to school since they were 11. However, given you seem to be quite a relaxed parent in terms of letting your DC do things I think you should defer to your instincts on this one. It won't do her any harm to be told no occasionally especially if you think she could do the journey a bit later in the year. Perhaps one weekend you could get her to do a shopping trip to a local big city by train and see how she copes with navigating the big station and working on her confidence to ask officials for help. If that all works then let her go later in the year.

ElftonWednesday · 31/01/2022 12:38

I'd be fine with it if she has her phone charged up and is being met at the end. Perhaps there is some compromise to take her part way so there are not so many changes and/or to be collected from a bigger station at the other end?

gogohm · 31/01/2022 12:40

My DD's went to the grandparents changing at Birmingham New Street from 10&12, 4 hours each way. I booked assistance the first time but after that they were fine, never got lost at new street but used the emergency debit card for far too much sushi!

Original poster
steppemum · 31/01/2022 12:44

just to say:
first train 1 hour, then change (I'm happy with this change she's been there before) 30 minute wait
then 1.5 hours and change in big city station, that I have been to many times, and it is not an easy station to navigate.
then another 2 hours, then second change bit city
then 20 minutes to destination.

so for me to accompany her I would need to go to the first big city change which is about 3 hours and costs about £60, so 6 hours round trip
then do it again on the way back.

OP posts:
Original poster
steppemum · 31/01/2022 12:45

@gogohm

My DD's went to the grandparents changing at Birmingham New Street from 10&12, 4 hours each way. I booked assistance the first time but after that they were fine, never got lost at new street but used the emergency debit card for far too much sushi!
I'd let her do it if there were 2 of them
OP posts:
SheWoreYellow · 31/01/2022 12:45

I like the idea a PP had of them meeting half way for the day.

I have a similar aged daughter. I’d worry about the number of trains and changes meaning that the chance of an issue is pretty high.

KerryO87x · 31/01/2022 12:46

I wouldn't let her do it.
She's probably sensible but a lot can go wrong.
I used to get the train from Glasgow to Liverpool a lot and had a few nightmares with the one change. Cancellations, bad weather etc.
It might be worth holding off till summer and see if friend is coming closer to your area again.

dizzydizzydizzy · 31/01/2022 12:49

If your DD feels confident to do it, then I would let her. It is not a dangerous activity. You can carefully plan out the route in advance with platform numbers. You should obviously keep an eye on things in the day in case there are big delays or platform alterations.

user1497207191 · 31/01/2022 12:50

If she's as mature as you say, I'd say yes, but only with connections at the same station. Certainly not going from one station to another at London, nor changing stations at Birmingham either. If she can change trains without leaving each station, then it's suddenly a lot easier/safer.

I'd make sure she starts out very early morning though, so that if there are any delays or missed trains, there'll be other later trains she can complete her journey on. If she starts relying on evening trains after a mid-day start, then she could end up stranded overnight somewhere unfamiliar if she misses the "last train" of the day, or it gets cancelled (more likely than ever with covid staff shortages). You really don't want her wandering the streets of a strange city overnight (as lots of stations are locked up and passengers aren't allowed to stay on the platforms nor in waiting rooms).

Long beforehand, down some apps on her phone so that she can monitor trains and get her accustomed to looking for alternative routes/trains in case of a delay or cancellation. There are various apps/websites where you can monitor particular trains (i.e. see if they're running late or cancelled etc, a lot sooner than you'd find out when you get to the station). The sooner you know, the sooner you can plan a different route, i.e. change at a different station, get off the current train sooner or stay on it longer, to get a different train etc.

DSGR · 31/01/2022 12:59

Ok I get that but OP seems determined that there is no solution. There must be. I was suggesting one

Original poster
steppemum · 31/01/2022 13:00

meeting half way

I know quite a few people have suggested this.
The other mum cannot do that over half term.
And even if she could, eg meet at a service station and hand her over, that would still be a 4 hour round trip for me.
repeat 3 days later
Are you all in the habit of driving for 6-8 hours so your kids can visit a friend?

Actually, serious question, how many of you would do that?
Drive for 4 hours x 2 so that you child can see a friend?

I don't know anyone in real life who would do that. That is the sort of trip you would do eg at Christmas to visit relatives, not so one of your dds can see a friend.

If the 2 kids meet half way, then they are just both in a strange city, both miles away from home killing time for the day. And she still has to do that on the train!
that doesn't feel particularly safe to me.

OP posts:
chesirecat99 · 31/01/2022 13:09

Why don't you try asking the train company whether she is eligible for passenger assist, as I suggested?

Original poster
steppemum · 31/01/2022 13:11

@DSGR

Ok I get that but OP seems determined that there is no solution. There must be. I was suggesting one
I realise that I am saying no to many options, but as I said in a pp post thank you all for your input, the results are about 50/50 which is exactly what I feel, hence the dilema.

There are some decisions which are made and I am not going to change them, however much people on here think I should:

I'm not driving her.
I'm not spending money I don't have, or precious annual leave on a hotel and pamering which I am not interested in.
The other girl cannot come and stay here.
There is no-one who can meet her at the city interchange and put her on a train.
I cannot afford to go half way there on the train, nor can I take the day off work to do it.
The big city is a LONG way from here so driving her there to catch the train is not an option.

The original question is still the question - would you let your 14 year old do this train journey? 50% have said yes and 50% have said no.
Just because I cannot do any of your other solutions does not mean I am not interested in your opinion, but I cannot do any of your other solutions. I am just asking if you would let your 14 year old dd do this train journey.

What I do find interesting is how many people would go to such lengths to get their dd to see their friend who has always lived 200 miles away and who they saw at Christmas. I am afraid I simply don't believe you. I think that most of you would have said no to the trip.

But that is not the same as saying in principle you would allow a 14 year old to do this train journey, which is what I am interested in.

OP posts:
Original poster
steppemum · 31/01/2022 13:12

@DSGR

Ok I get that but OP seems determined that there is no solution. There must be. I was suggesting one
That is a good idea and I will persue it. I have heard though that it is unreliable?
OP posts:
Original poster
steppemum · 31/01/2022 13:13

whoops didn't mean to quote that in last post, I meant to quote chesirecat99

OP posts:
PurrBox · 31/01/2022 13:16

I would definitely have let my kids go at that age, if they felt confident about doing it, and were willing to talk through what to do if anything didn't go according to plan. I would make sure I was available on the end of a phone during the trip, and would also go and rescue her in the event of a genuine emergency.

yikesanotherbooboo · 31/01/2022 13:26

If she feels confident to do it I would let her.
In reality I expect my Dh would have taken a less confident child half way or to the first big city and changed stations with them.Then let them do the rest alone.

KatharinaRosalie · 31/01/2022 13:26

Yes, I would let her if she wants to. You can go through 'what if..' scenarios and alternative options with her and she can just call you if there are delays/cancellations or any other issues she can't manage. There's usually also staff around to ask for help. I doubt a 14-yo would simply stand helplessly in the middle of a train station in case she misses a train.

KatharinaRosalie · 31/01/2022 13:32

Also, the changes are inside the same train/bus station, right? She does not have to trek across town to a totally different station? Basically only needs to check the platform and in case of cancellations, ask for help.

ihatesoaps · 31/01/2022 13:33

Could she fly instead?

ivykaty44 · 31/01/2022 13:34

14 uYearsold and Birmingham new street is very big but well signed

I was doing stuff like that at 14 and would be fine withdrawals doing this at 14

ivykaty44 · 31/01/2022 13:35

Can your dad video call you.? If so if there is an issue she can call uYou.

DistrictCommissioner · 31/01/2022 13:36

I have a mature 13 year old, & I would let her do this.