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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Should I allow my teenager to have sex under my roof.

149 replies

Moomin1983 · 14/01/2022 10:18

Hi All, tricky one here. Just found out that my 16yr old and his GF (of 3 months) are sexually active, and they've been doing it under our roof while we're home. Naively we didn't think they were getting up to too much! My OH has hit the roof and says they're not allowed as its disrespectful, particularly as we're at home. I'm more laid back and think its inevitable, but I don't know how other people feel and in effect, which one of us is correct? This is our only child so we haven't had to tackle this situation before.
I'd love to now what other people would do. They're both 16 and they're using protection.

OP posts:
MayThePawsBeWithYou · 14/01/2022 10:20

Neither of you are correct, its your house so you both have to decide whats acceptable. If they dont do it in your house they will just go somewhere else which could put them at risk.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 14/01/2022 10:21

I'm not sure I'd make it easy for them but I'm sure you'll get lots of posters saying it's fine. I'd be interested to know how here parents feel, probably not over joyed or they'd be at her house and not yours.

StrifeOfBath · 14/01/2022 10:26

Is your roof especially fragile? Confused

Seriously OP, I know it is a big ‘eeep’ when our children become sexually active, and takes a bit of adjustment to get used to the idea.

I would talk to your DH about what exactly constitutes ‘disrespectful’ and how legal sex, behind closed doors, between consenting established partners is ‘disrespectful’?

If he makes a fuss he will make your Ds feel angry, alienated, ashamed and secretive.

The stable door is already open.

Much better to keep communication open so that you can continue to talk about relationships etc.

I preferred to know that my teens were happy to talk to me, safe, not taking risks and entering adult life with the support of their parents.

Good luck!

Weenurse · 14/01/2022 10:26

I let them have partners stay in separate rooms until 18th birthday , then they shared a room. Long term relationship only.
DH objected until my 83 year old mother told him to lighten up. ( he was flabbergasted as he expected her to take his side).
My rationale was that at least they were safe and I knew where they were.
Teens are going to have sex, as long as both consent and they treat their partner with respect ( and the practice safe sex) , I don’t have an issue.
DH would argue differently.

Viviennemary · 14/01/2022 10:28

No I absolutely would not allow this at their young age. Total no no.

Weenurse · 14/01/2022 10:28

I am well aware they were having sex under 18 when we were not home,

aSofaNearYou · 14/01/2022 10:30

I would say to your husband that having sex in their only home cannot be disrespectful, unless he thinks they should do it out and about? Where else would be more appropriate?

His real issue is no doubt that he doesn't think they should be having sex at all, but that is a completely different issue.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 14/01/2022 10:32

They’ll just find somewhere else. At least you know where they are.

Original poster
Moomin1983 · 14/01/2022 10:35

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor I think it's more to do with the fact that the GF has 2 much younger siblings.

OP posts:
Rno3gfr · 14/01/2022 10:36

Well, they’ll just end up doing it somewhere public otherwise. I think if they’re both 16+ and being responsible and discrete then there’s not much disrespect to it.

NoSquirrels · 14/01/2022 10:38

Well, yes, you’ve been very naive. How have you now ‘found out’ if you were previously unaware i.e. they were discreet about it?

I wouldn’t encourage it and I’d ask for open bedroom doors and any staying over to happen in separate bedrooms- but I’d already have been asking for this. I’d expect them to push the limits and I’d give them opportunities to be alone at home together but I’d want them to know sex while the family is around isn’t OK.

At this point it’s a matter of courtesy, and respect, that’s what you need to get your DS to understand. His father isn’t wrong to insist on house rules.

itwasntaparty · 14/01/2022 10:38

I don't know - if I was at home I don't think I'd like it. If I wasn't home then they can crack on so to speak.

If I stay at my mum or mils I don't have sex if they're in!

Caspianberg · 14/01/2022 10:39

I would much rather they did at home, than somewhere potentially dodgy.

I would talk to him about it, make sure they have protection, and see if she is on pill as extra precaution.

They are both 16. It’s perfectly acceptable. And it is in his own ( only) house.

StrifeOfBath · 14/01/2022 10:40

Is it disrespectful for you and your DH to have sex in your teens’ home? Or, for example, when you have guests staying? Are adult guests allowed to have sex when they stay?

It’s all very well posters saying they wouldn’t allow it.

How do you stop it?

Unless you are a SAHP who never leaves the house during out of school hours, how do you know if they are in his room with the door closed?

Much better to instil safety, the importance of trust, consent, relationship etc.

I have always been friendly and welcoming to girlfriends. It’s promoting a sense of family and family values.

HoppingPavlova · 14/01/2022 10:41

Hasn’t and won’t happen in my household and mine are young adults.

When they were alive, there is no way in hell I would have contemplated having sex in my parents house/ boyfriends parents houses or in-laws house after marrying DH. Even if in same bed after marriage it would never happen in someone else’s house -completely disrespectful.

I may say we repay this in kind to the kids, not one sided, as we would never have sex if they were at home. It’s basic respect.

I also know none of mine have done this as the benefit of having a full house is that there’s always people at home, coming and going, and mine would definitely not accept this from siblings. Teenage years were fun when DH and I got emergency calls if someone even had a friend of the opposite sex rock up at the front door for an impromptu visitGrin.

Suprima · 14/01/2022 10:42

I have seen the emotional implications of two sixteen year olds openly shagging and having regular sleepovers due to one set of parents essentially letting them play house. It was a complete omnishambles. Whether sixteen years olds are at it at house parties or festival tents is completely by-the-by. I don’t think they should be christened by complete parental acceptance.

If they were 18 and a LTR, of course- they should be sharing a room and parents can obviously lighten up.

I don’t think 16 year olds should be given carte blanche for sleepovers all of the time and a love nest under the family roof. They aren’t mature enough.

If there is a family party or she misses the last bus- of course let her stay. Separate beds. But they will sneak about.

There is a balance between letting them have at it, and being strict. You need to find it.
What do her parents think?

Grumpycatsmum · 14/01/2022 10:43

I'd find it a bit "ick " if they were having sex while I was in the house, so would probably ask him to save it until we were out!

hivemindneeded · 14/01/2022 10:44

As long as they are both of age legally then I'd take the attitude that I'd far rather it was happening under my roof, where I could keep tabs on the partner. Far better than driving them away from home with rules they won't stick to.

Chasingtime · 14/01/2022 10:46

Your OH is right.

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/01/2022 10:48

It’s your house, so you can set the rules.

However once your DH has calmed down I would gently point out to him that sex is natural, they are of age, in a relationship, and this is your son’s home - so whatever it is, it isn’t disrespectful for him to have sex in it. You are absolutely within your rights to say no, but that means they’ll either switch to hanging out at her house, or doing it outdoors somewhere.

So it’s up to you, but personally I would be more worried about them using birth control. Is the girl OK?

If you do OK it, it doesn’t mean it’s an open door, you can be clear you will only be OK w it in established relationships you are OK with.

LindaEllen · 14/01/2022 10:50

If it was me when I was a teenager, we'd have just found somewhere else to do it. If we couldn't find anywhere inside it'd be something like a sodding public toilet, or the bushes at the park. So honestly, in your house might be the better option.

If teens want to have sex, they will have sex. Better to have them somewhere safe, surely?

coraka · 14/01/2022 10:52

Well I'd rather my DC waited a little longer than 16 but they're not going to stop having sex. I'd much rather they were having a safe and positive experience rather than fumbling around in a park or wherever. I think forcing my child to do that would actually be a bit disrespectful to them.

For people that say no, is it simply prudishness? Concern that you might hear them and discomfort at that? Or what is the harm that you believe will result?

ESGdance · 14/01/2022 10:53

@HoppingPavlova

Hasn’t and won’t happen in my household and mine are young adults.

When they were alive, there is no way in hell I would have contemplated having sex in my parents house/ boyfriends parents houses or in-laws house after marrying DH. Even if in same bed after marriage it would never happen in someone else’s house -completely disrespectful.

I may say we repay this in kind to the kids, not one sided, as we would never have sex if they were at home. It’s basic respect.

I also know none of mine have done this as the benefit of having a full house is that there’s always people at home, coming and going, and mine would definitely not accept this from siblings. Teenage years were fun when DH and I got emergency calls if someone even had a friend of the opposite sex rock up at the front door for an impromptu visitGrin.

This has to be the most hilarious post I have read on MN in decades ….. why have you constructed such a nonsense to avoid sex?
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 14/01/2022 10:55

Mine isn't quite there yet but I THINK what I will be saying is that I don't want it happening while I'm at home. Our flat isn't large and I don't think it's unreasonable not to want to hear your offspring shagging. However once they are both age of consent and assuming no worries about coercions/boundaries/consent I would expect them to be at it when I'm not there and it wouldn't bother me.

Darker · 14/01/2022 10:55

Been through this. Personally I think it’s fine, provided they are respectful to you and to each other. My home should be a safe and private space for all of us.

Doors can be shut but lines of communication need to stay open if at all possible.

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