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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Should I allow my teenager to have sex under my roof.

149 replies

Moomin1983 · 14/01/2022 10:18

Hi All, tricky one here. Just found out that my 16yr old and his GF (of 3 months) are sexually active, and they've been doing it under our roof while we're home. Naively we didn't think they were getting up to too much! My OH has hit the roof and says they're not allowed as its disrespectful, particularly as we're at home. I'm more laid back and think its inevitable, but I don't know how other people feel and in effect, which one of us is correct? This is our only child so we haven't had to tackle this situation before.
I'd love to now what other people would do. They're both 16 and they're using protection.

OP posts:

Lux523 · 14/01/2022 12:11

My children are still too young for this to be an issue.

But to those posters saying a blanket 'no'. What would you suggest as an alternative?

BarefootHippieChick · 14/01/2022 12:13

I may say we repay this in kind to the kids, not one sided, as we would never have sex if they were at home. It’s basic respect.

Hang on...did I read this right? You never have sex when the kids are home?! How on earth did you manage when they were little? Abstain for 16 years?!

Original poster

Moomin1983 · 14/01/2022 12:14

@MayThePawsBeWithYou

Why does it matter than his gf has young siblings

I was replying to another comment and pointing out why they might prefer to come to my house rather than hers.

OP posts:

ginswinger · 14/01/2022 12:28

Maybe the approach my dad took when I was an 18 yo and wanted a boyfriend to stay the night. He knocked on my bedroom door at 8am with a full cooked breakfast for the both of us and then sat on my bed for 10 minutes, catching up on the news and generally making me a bit embarrassed. He was a vicar too!

Seriously though, having a good relationship with your kids and making sure they are having protected, safe and consensual sex is more important than feeling a bit uncomfortable.

Chasingtime · 14/01/2022 12:31

@Flipflopblowout

Wow, disrespectful? not under my roof? where then? back of the school bike shed? Behind the bus shelter? Your son has been open with you. You have a chance to be adult about this and have the discussion about respect in relationships.

Really though?

If my kids were doing this I would really worry about their self respect towards themselves and to their partner.

Autumnleaves4 · 14/01/2022 12:44

If they’ve started they’ll only go and do it somewhere else like outside but I would check that her parents are ok with it.

One of my sons started at 16, I wasn’t happy but you can’t really stop them but I was a bit pissed off to learn that they were sharing a double room at her house whilst I was making them sleep separately at my house, so her parents were ok with it and just assumed I would be when I felt it was too early. No harm came of it though, some battles aren’t really worth fighting.

elelel · 14/01/2022 12:49

If my kids were doing this I would really worry about their self respect towards themselves and to their partner.

Having sex or having sex outside?

Come on, are you telling me you never shagged outside? Even as an adult?

sadpapercourtesan · 14/01/2022 12:50

We did. We weren't particularly happy about it, but our circumstances at the time were such that we prioritised our son's (and his GF's) safety and the trust we had between us, over our own consternation that the relationship had become sexual.

In our case, our son was going through a very rough patch with his mental health and his GF also had quite serious problems. We were very worried about both of them and the best thing about the situation was that they wanted to spend a lot of time here and we had a bond of trust. DS brought his GF to me to ask for advice about some awful things that were happening to her, for example. So yes, we allowed them to sleep together here. They would have slept together anyway - they were safe here.

Parenting teenagers is an art more than it's a science, and most of us end up doing things we would have said "over my dead body" about when our children were smaller.

Fabuleuse · 14/01/2022 12:56

It may be legal, but I don't think sex at 16 is appropriate, so no, I would not be allowing this under my roof. I certainly wasn't doing this at 16 or any similar age and neither were my friends.

elelel · 14/01/2022 12:57

@Fabuleuse

It may be legal, but I don't think sex at 16 is appropriate, so no, I would not be allowing this under my roof. I certainly wasn't doing this at 16 or any similar age and neither were my friends.

Do you think they won't have sex because you ban it at home, or does it become less inappropriate if you can turn a blind eye?

Gingerbreadrules · 14/01/2022 13:01

It's not like you're going to stop them having sex by saying not under my roof. I'd much rather my kids had sex in the safe environment of our house than elsewhere that might be less safe. This is an ongoing relationship not a one night stand between two people over the age of consent. Does your DH think it's disrespectful to your children when you have sex at home? I would presume not. Not sure why it's okay for you to have sex but not them.

thedancingbear · 14/01/2022 13:04

Yanbu, OP. Much better that the do it by the bins round the back of the pub.

Tulipomania · 14/01/2022 13:05

We have always been happy for DS to have his GF to stay overnight in his room since the age of 16.

Also made sure he had plenty of condoms, although now he is an adult he buys them himself.

I always checked that her parents were cool with it too.

I'd much rather they were having sex here than in some random place. And I want all his friends to feel welcome here.

aSofaNearYou · 14/01/2022 13:07

@Fabuleuse

It may be legal, but I don't think sex at 16 is appropriate, so no, I would not be allowing this under my roof. I certainly wasn't doing this at 16 or any similar age and neither were my friends.

The average age in the UK is 18 so it's certainly something you need to be prepared for with 16/17 year old's.

It's more common to have sex a teen than not to.

scooterbear · 14/01/2022 13:13

We had this recently with dd1. She has been together with her boyfriend for two years. She is on the pill (fir other reasons) and she had a sensible conversation with me about it. I allow her boyfriend to stay in her room. I don't love it. But they were going to do it anyway-if rather they are somewhere safe. And she had the sense to consider it carefully and the respect to discuss it with me so I figure I owe her the same respect really. Her dad, my exh went bananas when he found out but tbh she hadn't wanted to tell him as they aren't as close and I felt like I owed her her privacy and it wasn't for me to tell him. Obvs if she is ever at risk I would tell him straight away but this was different. He didn't speak to me for some while when he found out and she was aware of that and it damaged their relationship a bit. So it's tricky to navigate and I think you have to go by the levels of sense shown by your teen really.

HoppingPavlova · 14/01/2022 13:16

You never had sex when your kids were home? Ever?

We did when they were little, at the age where they went to bed early and slept through the night. Once they got older though and had a bedtime close to, same as or later than ours (teens and young adults outlasted me), we only had sex when they were not home which was tough logistics especially when they are independent and drive themselves and there are always people coming or going. If you put a key in the inside of the door lock it stops the person outside being able to use their key thus alerting you someone has come home .

TequilaShot · 14/01/2022 13:17

It's a no from me. I've seen what happens in other families when it is openly encouraged. 2 out of 3 all getting their girlfriends pregnant by the age of 18 for one.

HoppingPavlova · 14/01/2022 13:18

You would really not have sex as a married couple in your parents' house?

Of course not, it’s completely inappropriate in someone else’s house. A hotel or AirBnB is different obviously but not someone else’s house whether married or not, and that certainly included my parents and in-laws houses.

Kuachui · 14/01/2022 13:20

if i couldnt hear it then id be fine with it. as long as both were of consenting age it wouldnt bother me at all aslong as they are safe.

timestheyarechanging · 14/01/2022 13:20

Completely agree with @LindaEllen

My daughter (now 22) didn't have a regular boyfriend until she met her current one a year ago so this was never an issue. She wouldn't have bought a ONS or casual boyfriend home. She knew that wasn't acceptable and I think she would have been embarrassed to do so.
My son,16, does have a girlfriend of about 10mths and yes, she does stay over in his bedroom, here and at his dad's. Luckily his bedroom is in the loft so not on same floor as mine! Her parents know, they agree, and the teens are using protection.
I was with my exH from my 18th birthday (together 21yrs) and his mum let us stay in the same room but mine did not. Did it stop us having sex in my parents' house - no, we were allowed in the bedroom during the day without the door open so just did it when they were downstairs watching TV!
As @LindaEllen says, I remember the awful places my friends had sex in the late 80s/early 90s and wouldn't want my teens doing that!

timestheyarechanging · 14/01/2022 13:24

Do not know why my post is in bold text??

Fabuleuse · 14/01/2022 13:29

Neither, really. I hope I will have raised them in a way that enables them to understand why they shouldn't be having sex at 16, and I hope that they won't want to be doing it anyway. If not then at least banning it in the house acts to discourage it. I mean neither their father nor I nor any of my friends were having sex at 16. It's not a foregone conclusion by any means, and it is younger than the average age of losing virginity in the UK.

Fabuleuse · 14/01/2022 13:29

That was a reply to @elelel, I'm not sure why the quote failed.

timestheyarechanging · 14/01/2022 13:30

Better for them be in a safe, warm environment and thinking that having sex is to be ashamed of.
My parents never let us stay in the same bedroom. I was 25 (so 7yrs together) when I left home to buy a house with him. Hence why I spent the majority of time at his mum's house where we could stay in his bedroom.

Helenluvsrob · 14/01/2022 13:31

Consenting 16yr olds using contraception having sex in your house. Honestly give rm a break they couldn’t be more sensible.

Don’t drive them to the park / bus shelter.

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