Should I allow my teenager to have sex under my roof.

[Moomin1983]

Hi All, tricky one here. Just found out that my 16yr old and his GF (of 3 months) are sexually active, and they've been doing it under our roof while we're home. Naively we didn't think they were getting up to too much! My OH has hit the roof and says they're not allowed as its disrespectful, particularly as we're at home. I'm more laid back and think its inevitable, but I don't know how other people feel and in effect, which one of us is correct? This is our only child so we haven't had to tackle this situation before.
I'd love to now what other people would do. They're both 16 and they're using protection.

My parents' rationale ran thus:
1. It'll encourage them to move out and get their own place. Make it too comfortable and they'll never want to leave.

I want my kids to feel comfortable in their own home. I have never treated their presence as temporary. That doesn't mean they won't move out, they are both saving hard for just that, but it does mean I want them to feel like their home is their home, and just now that's my home too.

2. More opportunity for sex = more sex

On the other side if they have less 'alone' time at home they are more likely to attend parties and gatherings to get that time; which carries a lot more risk than being at home.

3. Not wanting to share the family bathroom with an unrelated teenage boy of a morning.

I don't 'share' the bathroom with the people that live here, we take turns. As long as there is no one in it when I want to use it, I can't see any sort of an issue here at all.

I come from a different culture that some may consider prudish. I don't really hope to achieve anything by saying no. I am just saying no! Besides, we live in a small London flat. It would be uncomfortable for everybody.

Afraid I don't care if it is sex shaming. Different strokes for different folks ( no pun intended).

@elelel

My parents' rationale ran thus: 1. It'll encourage them to move out and get their own place. Make it too comfortable and they'll never want to leave.

I want my kids to feel comfortable in their own home. I have never treated their presence as temporary. That doesn't mean they won't move out, they are both saving hard for just that, but it does mean I want them to feel like their home is their home, and just now that's my home too.

2. More opportunity for sex = more sex

On the other side if they have less 'alone' time at home they are more likely to attend parties and gatherings to get that time; which carries a lot more risk than being at home.

3. Not wanting to share the family bathroom with an unrelated teenage boy of a morning.

I don't 'share' the bathroom with the people that live here, we take turns. As long as there is no one in it when I want to use it, I can't see any sort of an issue here at all.

IDK about your kids, but I think most attend their friends parties anyway. I'd be slightly concerned if my teen was so into her boyfriend that she'd dropped all other forms of socialising. I wouldn't see, 'less likely to go to parties' as a positive.

And yes, you take turns in a bathroom, but adding an extra person to that regularly is a bit much. Plus bumping into them on the landing etc, feeling like you've always got 'guests' staying. I've a friend whose three teens all had partners sleeping over regularly at one point and it did get pretty crowded!

As for living at home, it's complete anecdata and I know housing is multifactorial, but my siblings and I got out of there after uni and never went back- we were all on the property ladder by our mid twenties with no parental help. I do have several friends still living at home (we're in our thirties now), all ostensibly saving for a house- my parents would argue that there's something to be said for drawing a line between 'childhood home' and 'adult home'. Do what you will, but I think both are legitimate parenting choices. I don't know what I'll do when my pair get to that age.

IDK about your kids, but I think most attend their friends parties anyway. I'd be slightly concerned if my teen was so into her boyfriend that she'd dropped all other forms of socialising. I wouldn't see, 'less likely to go to parties' as a positive.

Of course they went to parties. My point was that teens might go to some parties that they would not ordinarily go to, out with their main friends group. It happens. Anyway the point was I would rather they chose their safe space, not that they should choose a boy over their friends.

As for living at home, it's complete anecdata and I know housing is multifactorial, but my siblings and I got out of there after uni and never went back- we were all on the property ladder by our mid twenties with no parental help.

Which is exactly what mine are in the process of doing, albeit without Uni. The eldest didn't go and my 18 yo is living at home but goes to uni. So they are saving hard to move out - the only help they get from me is that I don't charge them to live here, because they are saving for their futures. I didn't need to make them uncomfortable at home in prefer to help them do this.

Maybe the teens allowed to have sex at home and the ones not allowed to will both be fine and have healthy attitudes to sex. I am mostly grey in my approach to parenting. I am no longer so confident that I think my approach is the right one. It's just right for me.

It's not nice to know your child is having sex on your home however if they can't do it in his own home they will do it outside or wherever else they can.

At least they are smart enough to use protection and mature enough to let you know.

Do you and your husband have sex whilst he's in the house? Sex is totally natural, it's just a bit cringe when it's your own son

I do think there's something in the "make them too comfortable and they'll never want to leave" comment a PP quoted her parents as saying

I think it's the same parents who are still proclaiming "I'm their parent, not their friend" when the child is on the cusp of adulthood, and actually, the relationship should be transitioning away from parental authority and towards an equal footing (in my experience this is a fluctuating process which takes years and needs give and take on both sides)

There's a fundamental difference of approach between parents who hold beliefs like "I'm parent, not friend", "16 is still a child", "if you give them an inch they'll take a mile" and those who feel that 16yos are young people, not children, that trust is more important than authority and that young people can make valid choices that we disagree with.

I see my role as mum to older teenagers more as guidance, support and a safety net. Not "putting my foot down" about everything.

Again @sadpapercourtesan not sure where you are getting this idea that anyone who's not ok with their 16 year old having sexual partners sleeping over is a dictator. I'm willing to bet for all your tolerant and reasonable approach you would still have some firm boundaries for a 16 year old and it's not a case of anything goes? Whether that's coming home at 4am on a school night, accessing certain websites, spending 12 hours solid on an Xbox during exam time, leaving dirty dishes strewn around the house or painting their room black with a lime green ceiling, I'm willing to bet we will all have certain differing non-negotiable issues with a 16 year old which we would take a firm approach on if reasonable persuasion had failed.

One of mine will be not to do anything to facilitate sex at an age that I think is totally inappropriate, for the welfare of the child (sorry, young person) and for the potential serious consequences that could arise. I know I may not succeed in this aim any more than in other areas. That doesn't mean I'll throw my hands up in the air and just let it happen because if not they'll shag in a bus shelter anyway - I don't know anyone who behaved like that as a teenager. I don't care how weird anyone on this thread thinks that is, and I'm glad I never felt at 16 like I was abnormal for not doing this.

I can live with a totally ridiculous choice of paint colour although I would in this case have a tolerant, accepting, supportive and loving discussion with my young person about their interior decor taste and paint it the second they moved out.

I have not had this issue myself. The thought of this happening whilst I was in the house is what I would not like at all. Glad to read that protection is being used.

We're fairly relaxed about this on basis both DS and his girlfriend are over 16. At aged 17 they both sleep over at ours and hers. Our rule is that sleep overs are only for serious girlfriends and not one night stands. 6 months on it's still the same girl and she's lovely.

We figure if they are serious about each other and sexually active it's going to happen so better they are at home safe (with condoms!) than in some park somewhere.

It's not nice to know your child is having sex on your home

It's pretty disagreeable to know your parents are at it.

We don't have that issue yet with ds but suspect it could be raising its head soon, personally I wouldn't condone it or let gf sleepover until it was a longer relationship, but I wouldn't insist they keep the bedroom door open or have one foot on the floor 🤣 (never quite understood that expression and how it would be effective!).

We are in a house with limited soundproofing and his room is directly above our living room so I wouldn't be impressed if it was obvious they were at it while I was watching Emmerdale!

I'm in the camp that at 16 they are old enough to legally get married so sex is par for the course and if it's under your roof it's safe. What did your DH do at the same age? DTD in the back of a Cortina?

I think it's lovely that your DS has discussed this openly with you - it shows you have a fantastic relationship. It's also good he's confirmed they are being safe. I'm not sure what I'd do as my eldest is only 13 but I think your approach must be healthier than DH's...

I don't have a problem with a 16 year old, who is over the age of consent, having sex with his long term girlfriend, in the family home. I'm surprised by all the posts who say otherwise.

Cant believe all these posts. Shocked at pavlova and wondering if any of her dc had sex. And where?

Well they're not going to go back to just holding hand just because it makes dad feel squeamish. Make sure they're being responsible about contraception, that they're still keeping up with school and that they're not neglecting their other friendships. It's not easy but you have to face facts that you baby is growing up.

I think it pretty disrespectful for teenagers to have sex in their parents‘ house

Really @GavinAmes you resurrected a 2 year old Zombie thread to tell us that. Are you for real?

„Zombie thread“?@Tulipomania

Yes @GavinAmes this thread dates back to January 2022 and you resuscitated it without any clear reason. Still no-one else seems interested so it's not a big deal.

I couldn‘t understand the offensive reference to „are you for real“. Is that really necessary? I was just stating an opinion. @Tulipomania

Apologies if I appeared rude @GavinAmes. You seem to be new to MN and I'm guessing from your punctuation style you are not UK based. I found it strange that this is the only thread you posted on, and it was an old one, and did wonder if you were AI.

Thanks for saying sorry. I am new on MN but for your info I am UK/Danish born. I just stumbled on the topic and thought I would add my opinion. I did not realise it was a crime to do so just because it is a dated thread. @Tulipomania