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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Should I allow my teenager to have sex under my roof.

149 replies

Moomin1983 · 14/01/2022 10:18

Hi All, tricky one here. Just found out that my 16yr old and his GF (of 3 months) are sexually active, and they've been doing it under our roof while we're home. Naively we didn't think they were getting up to too much! My OH has hit the roof and says they're not allowed as its disrespectful, particularly as we're at home. I'm more laid back and think its inevitable, but I don't know how other people feel and in effect, which one of us is correct? This is our only child so we haven't had to tackle this situation before.
I'd love to now what other people would do. They're both 16 and they're using protection.

OP posts:

CaliforniaDrumming · 14/01/2022 14:12

@TopTabby

No thanks, I'd be very uncomfortable with this & there's no way I'm going to be uncomfortable in my own home. Yes it's their home too but all the bedrooms are very close to each other upstairs & just no. I'd reconsider for older dc in a LTR. 16, no way. What goes on when I'm not in would be another matter but not when I'm sat downstairs having to turn the telly up.

Agree. It would be quite grim for me.

teatime9999 · 14/01/2022 14:15

I hope he washes his own sheets. Yuck.

Loveisthere · 14/01/2022 14:15

It is your sons home as well, at least they are being responsible. Do you really want them grubbing around in some back alley because they have nowhere nice to go
I would suggest to dh that he tries to remember when he was 16 and what he got up to.

timestheyarechanging · 14/01/2022 14:31

@fabulous
My kids DID and do have hobbies - daughter, horse riding and son football and athletics. They have great social lives with lots of friends. Having sex at 16 did not change that. They can have hobbies, a successful education, supportive and fun social life AND have sex. As did I.

MazzleDazzle · 14/01/2022 14:33

Consensual, safe sex between two people over the age of consent is fun! Or it’s supposed to be, but some of the posts on this thread seem to imply it’s grim, dirty and something to be ashamed of.

Your DH needs to calm down. No point in locking the door after the horse has bolted, but perhaps some sensible house rules would help. I’d make sure they are having safe sex and that he feels comfortable talking to you. They’re not going to stop having sex now. If you don’t allow them to do it at home, they will do it elsewhere - and if it’s outside the chances of being caught on CCTV or by someone with a camera phone is much riskier IMO.

Young people are staying at home well into their 20s nowadays, sometimes even older. Having sex while under the same roof as others is surely more common now than ever before!

feedthepeony · 14/01/2022 14:50

@Fabuleuse

Neither, really. I hope I will have raised them in a way that enables them to understand why they shouldn't be having sex at 16, and I hope that they won't want to be doing it anyway. If not then at least banning it in the house acts to discourage it. I mean neither their father nor I nor any of my friends were having sex at 16. It's not a foregone conclusion by any means, and it is younger than the average age of losing virginity in the UK.

But 16 is the legal consenting age? Why are you raising your children to think sex is shameful?

feedthepeony · 14/01/2022 14:53

I would rather it under in a safe environment and if that's under my roof so be it!
When the time comes I'll be having a lot of sensible chats with DD about consent, protection, STIs and everything else. She won't be having any boyfriends to stay unless LTR / of age.

I understand it's a sore subject to some parents but shaming it and banning it will only make them do it in another place. And to all these parents who think 'my child wouldn't dare do it under my roof'
...there's a chance they are.

People can have sex comfortably, discreetly, and safely snd IMO it's MUCH better to advocate for this than shame it.

Education is key, not banning it and pushing them to do it behind a tree in a set of scabby woods.

It's a normal act of nature, not someone filming a porn set with the door wide open for you all to see!

Christmas1988 · 14/01/2022 14:56

I’d rather him do it in my house than a public toilet or wherever! He’s going to do it anyway, he’s 16 you can’t stop him. As long as they are quite, respectful and don’t walk around nude then it wouldn’t really be a problem for me.

BarefootHippieChick · 14/01/2022 14:56

I wonder how some of the posters on this thread feel about the sex education and values lessons kids have from age around 12 at school. There's some very strange attitudes to sex on here.

feedthepeony · 14/01/2022 14:59

[quote timestheyarechanging]@fabulous
My kids DO have morals. My daughter has a great job with the Met Police, her boyfriend has a good job and family, my son is studying 3 A levels and plans to go to uni, as does his girlfriend (both in health related fields), they both have a healthy diet and have a great social life with many friends and ambition.
Having sex at 16 didn't change that! [/quote]
Parenting done right! 👏🏼

Such a whiff of sex shaming on this thread.

Gingerbreadrules · 14/01/2022 15:06

This thread is making me want to sit down with my kids (as far as I know well in advance if them being sexually active) and make it very clear to them that I have no issue with them having legal, safe, consensual sex within a relationship in my house (though I'd rather not hear it lol). If so many people have such weird ideas about this I worry that my kids will assume I think the same.

BarefootHippieChick · 14/01/2022 15:06

@TequilaShot

It's a no from me. I've seen what happens in other families when it is openly encouraged. 2 out of 3 all getting their girlfriends pregnant by the age of 18 for one.

Perhaps their problem was nothing to do with allowing them to have sex and more about the fact they forgot to have discussions on the importance of safe sex

Balula · 14/01/2022 15:10

I'm so thankful for my mother being very open about sex and pragmatic enough to talk to us about it rather than shaming us.

I had wild hormones from a young teen and wild dogs couldn't have stopped me experimenting with whoever the flavour of the month was. My mum spoke to me though and asked questions and never once treated me badly for it, obviously she wasn't thrilled but she made sure I had the ability to be safe.

My kids share a bedroom so they'll be finding a park or going to the other persons house, my eldest is 17 and has made no hint that he's interested in sex of any kind as of yet. If/when he does he'll be made to feel like it's a healthy, normal attitude.

Angrymum22 · 14/01/2022 15:11

DS was much cleaner and tidier when his ex was staying. Both sets of parents were ok with it once it was more than just good friends and they were both sensible and considerate. In fact it’s been more of a problem since they split up since they spend all night FaceTiming🙄. I wish they would decide to either move on or get back together.

Hottbutterscotch · 14/01/2022 15:23

What’s the obsession with car parks & bus shelters etc?? I would NEVER have had sex in my parents house, still wouldn’t, and yet I’ve never done it behind a skip or in a bike shed.

Sex is an adult activity. I’m not helping my children participate in adult activities. My eldest is a good few years past the age of consent and has definitely been sexually active since 16 but that’s none of my business. They can go to a hotel if they need to. If they don’t have hotel money then maybe they shouldn’t be having sex because a baby will set them back substantially more than a night at Travel lodge.

We had our first young so now DC’s friends parents are quite a bit older than us. I sometimes think they are so desperate to appear cool to their kids that they just let them do anything.
I’m not my child’s friend & im not responsible for providing a warm room, candles and a bouncy bed for their sex life.
Incidentally my DC thinks their friends parents have no standards and us not lending them our chandeliers to swing from has no ill effects on our relationship.

That said, everyone feels differently and if you are ok with it then that’s fine but your DH isn’t and so I’d say that’s the dealbreaker. I really think a person has the right to be totally at ease in their own home. If he feels uncomfortable it’s wrong to force the issue.

Hottbutterscotch · 14/01/2022 15:27

Also, what are you all doing that makes it ‘safe’? Just asking because I had a contraception failure a year ago and got pregnant in my bedroom, in my house. It was warm and cosy & I felt very safe but here I am holding a baby.

Greenmarmalade · 14/01/2022 15:31

I really need to think about this. As I’ve been brought up Catholic I need to rethink my attitudes and what I’ll say to my daughters.

Gingerbreadrules · 14/01/2022 15:39

@Hottbutterscotch

Er teaching your children about contraception. Yes there is always the possibility of a contraception failure but a parent agreeing to the sex makes literally no difference to that. In fact they are more likely to be having safe sex if they're able to do it at home in comfort than if they are grabbing a quickie somewhere else.

Also, home is 'safe' from the point of view of being out of the view of others, especially those with camera phones etc, unlike having sex at a party, or outside. Just because you've never had sex outside doesn't mean it doesn't happen, as the large number of people here who say they did shows.

If you say your child is sexually active but you don't allow sex at home, where are they having sex? In someone else's home? In which case why is that okay but not in your home? I highly doubt many teenagers are getting a hotel room for the purpose! So you are just shutting your eyes to the reality rather than accepting it.

The fact that you may think your child is not old enough or mature enough or have enough money to be having sex has absolutely no bearing on whether they will. Sex is legally an activity for people over the age of 16. The fact that you disapprove of people having sex a given age doesn't mean that they shouldn't be doing it. That's your problem not theirs.

notyouagainn · 14/01/2022 15:44

We knew it was happening but didn't address it (we talked about sex with dd just not our house) that was at 16 then when she was 19 she had another bf who she had been with a number of months and he was allowed to stop.

Katela18 · 14/01/2022 15:53

I think i'd be keen to keep communication open and take the opportunity to talk about consent, safe sex, healthy relationships rather than shame him about having sex.

He is 16 so over the legal age of consent, and he is a teenager!

Obviously its horrible to think of our children having sex, but it will happen so now you know it is, just make sure he knows all the important stuff.

That said I wouldnt be encouraging it, and wouldnt be allowing sleepovers etc

Slingingcontest · 14/01/2022 15:55

I'm with your DH here op! As the mother of a teen daughter I would not be allowing this in my own home, especially not at sixteen, and I wouldn't be thanking you if you encouraged your son to do this in your home with my sixteen year old daughter either.

I don't really care what other people think about my view of this either. Just because sixteen year olds are over the age of consent, doesn't mean it is optimum for them to be having sex. I am not a prude but personally I encouraged my daughter to invest in her female friendships at this age. And young teen girls often don't have enough self confidence to resist being pressured in to things peers/society some teenage lads, say they should be doing. And there's a huge difference in maturity between a just-turned sixteen year old and a nearly 19 year old.

Hottbutterscotch · 14/01/2022 15:56

@Gingerbreadrules you are making wild assumptions that I don’t know anything about my child. Of course I do, we talk. Very openly in fact. We have a very transparent relationship in fact and I totally respect their bodily autonomy and adulthood. I respect it so much that I do not make it my responsibility or business.
Are parents of teenagers who conceive bad parents? Is that the suggestion? That if only they provided a room for sex it wouldn’t have happened? That’s as nonsensical as you know it to be.
There are many cultures in which this scenario would never be acceptable. Teenage pregnancy is less common within those groups of people.
The desire to not create a pregnancy along with good use of contraception is the real winning formula. Not parents who allow their children to have sex at home.
The biggest contribution parents make towards avoiding unwanted pregnancy is ensuring their children have aspirations beyond that.

I also don’t disapprove of young people having sex. No where did I say that. I said not in my house.

Tulipomania · 14/01/2022 16:05

I am not a prude but personally I encouraged my daughter to invest in her female friendships at this age.

You'd be OK with her having sex with other girls then, just not boys?

PurpleCarpets · 14/01/2022 16:10

For people that say no, is it simply prudishness? Concern that you might hear them and discomfort at that? Or what is the harm that you believe will result?

I was about to ask this exact question. And what do you hope to achieve by it?

ThirdElephant · 14/01/2022 16:26

@PurpleCarpets

For people that say no, is it simply prudishness? Concern that you might hear them and discomfort at that? Or what is the harm that you believe will result?

I was about to ask this exact question. And what do you hope to achieve by it?

My parents' rationale ran thus:

It'll encourage them to move out and get their own place. Make it too comfortable and they'll never want to leave.
More opportunity for sex = more sex
Not wanting to share the family bathroom with an unrelated teenage boy of a morning.

To be fair, I do see their logic.

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