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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Should I allow my teenager to have sex under my roof.

149 replies

Moomin1983 · 14/01/2022 10:18

Hi All, tricky one here. Just found out that my 16yr old and his GF (of 3 months) are sexually active, and they've been doing it under our roof while we're home. Naively we didn't think they were getting up to too much! My OH has hit the roof and says they're not allowed as its disrespectful, particularly as we're at home. I'm more laid back and think its inevitable, but I don't know how other people feel and in effect, which one of us is correct? This is our only child so we haven't had to tackle this situation before.
I'd love to now what other people would do. They're both 16 and they're using protection.

OP posts:
SGBK4682 · 14/01/2022 13:31

I made up my mind about this many years ago when my kids were young. I had two older friends with teens of a similar age. One couple let their 16 yo ds sleep with his girlfriend in their house - first having checked that the gf's parents were happy with it. They continued to have cordial relations with their son, though the gf of the time didn't last, of course.

The other couple went ballistic at their 17 yo dd, who moved out of the family home into the flat of her older bf, someone they considered highly unsuitable. That relationship didn't last either but their dd was estranged from her parents for many years and moved across the world in her 20s. Her father was the one most upset about the teen relationship, her mother did make efforts to repair the relationship and met her secretly without her DH knowing for a while. The story does have a happy ending though - now in her 30s, the dd and her DH live back in the UK fairly close to her parents and they often meet up.

However, I decided back then that I would take couple 1's approach when the time came, and avoid couple 2's heartache.

At 16 they are over the age of consent and entitled to have sex. Why force them to do so away from home and risk damaging your relationship?

Lollypop701 · 14/01/2022 13:32

LTR yes it’s fine … although told them if I hear anything 🤮

sadpapercourtesan · 14/01/2022 13:33

@Fabuleuse

Neither, really. I hope I will have raised them in a way that enables them to understand why they shouldn't be having sex at 16, and I hope that they won't want to be doing it anyway. If not then at least banning it in the house acts to discourage it. I mean neither their father nor I nor any of my friends were having sex at 16. It's not a foregone conclusion by any means, and it is younger than the average age of losing virginity in the UK.
You do realise you're bringing up children, not baking a cake? There is NO guarantee that they will share your views on the morality/wisdom of sex at 16. You'll impart some of your values, of course. But you'll also do your fair share of firefighting and responding to unexpected curve balls. Making decisions as best you can, because you didn't see something coming and neither option is ideal. Because your children are people, not programmeable robots.
elelel · 14/01/2022 13:34

Neither, really. I hope I will have raised them in a way that enables them to understand why they shouldn't be having sex at 16,

This is really weird of you.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 14/01/2022 13:35

@Weenurse

I let them have partners stay in separate rooms until 18th birthday , then they shared a room. Long term relationship only. DH objected until my 83 year old mother told him to lighten up. ( he was flabbergasted as he expected her to take his side). My rationale was that at least they were safe and I knew where they were. Teens are going to have sex, as long as both consent and they treat their partner with respect ( and the practice safe sex) , I don’t have an issue. DH would argue differently.
That's a sensible approach imo.
GrendelsGrandma · 14/01/2022 13:36

DP insisted on separate bedrooms when I was a teen. We just did it in the daytime, either skiving off school or when everyone was out.

I don't think you can decide whether they have sex, only if it happens in your house while you're there.

Fabuleuse · 14/01/2022 13:38

@sadpapercourtesan Point out where I said any of it was guaranteed? In fact I specifically used the words "I hope". Confused I also hope they try their best at school, eat a reasonably healthy diet and give back to society in some way. Again I will try to instill these values in them, but I know none of it is guaranteed.

ElectraBlue · 14/01/2022 13:41

Your kid is 16, dating, and we are to understand that you have never had a conversation about sex or did not realise they would be sexually active?

And your husband is making a fuss about the fact that the kid is having sex?

First of all I would have a good look at your parenting style...

There is nothing wrong with someone his age exploring sex with his girlfriend.

Your husband's reaction is somehow giving the message that sex is dirty/wrong. Not a good way for teens to get a good education about relationships is it?

They are having sex, they will find somewhere else to have sex. Isn't it better than they do it in a safe environment?

You should be focusing on having a dialogue with your kid and making sure they practice safe sex and have a positive, respectful view of relationships.

If people want to delude themselves into thinking that teens will wait until they are 18 and have left home to have sex, then that is a little bit tragic...

MrsMiddleMother · 14/01/2022 13:42

I'd be happy to know they're safe at home and being safe but I would be uncomfortable knowing they're having sex while we're all home. I would have an open door policy while we're all in but tell them when we're out they can do what they like.

Bakewelltart987 · 14/01/2022 13:43

Are they breaking the law? I don't understand how it's disrespectful towards you unless they are being noisy and disturbing you. Otherwise what he gets up to in his room is his business aslong as its all legal.

DirtyDancing · 14/01/2022 13:45

Bit cheeky doing it when you are home! What happened to sneaking about and waiting till your parents have gone out?!

They will have sex, they've started so no way back. I think the issue is doing it when you are at home. I'm with your DH on that point. How would they like it the other way round?!

I would probably say: no sleepovers in same beds until 18 (but they will be caught sneaking on the landing to each other, I was!) and doors open when they are in a bedroom together. It is a respect thing. But I'd turn a blind eye when I'm not home if there is evidence.. and call 'I'm home' very loudly if I'd been out!

I have slightly forgotten what it's like to be a randy 16 year old though tbh!

SirVixofVixHall · 14/01/2022 13:46

@Viviennemary

No I absolutely would not allow this at their young age. Total no no.
Same here. (I have daughters) . I think the assumption that all teens have sex is a mistaken one too, I think the age has risen for losing virginity? Also out of my school friendship group (I am in my fifties) most of us were a lot older than that, all over 18, and no longer at school.
elelel · 14/01/2022 13:46

@DirtyDancing

Do you know why you think it's cheeky of then to have sex when OP is home? It has had no effect on OP

timestheyarechanging · 14/01/2022 13:48

@Fabuleuse

Why should they not be having sex when they are at the age of consent and presumably understand consent etc? What age do you think is appropriate?

I first had sex at 15, had a few sexual partners until I met my exH at 18. I'm 50 now and all my friends were about that age when they had sex. I was then in a LTR with marriage from 18- 41. Then another for 7yrs, then currently a year.

I think having sex young, makes you appreciate that it's not all it's cracked up to be, so makes you make more informed decisions going forward. My daughter and son were brought up to value themselves and their virginity. They Understand consent, healthy relationships and respect.

timestheyarechanging · 14/01/2022 13:55

@fabulous
My kids DO have morals. My daughter has a great job with the Met Police, her boyfriend has a good job and family, my son is studying 3 A levels and plans to go to uni, as does his girlfriend (both in health related fields), they both have a healthy diet and have a great social life with many friends and ambition.
Having sex at 16 didn't change that!

DirtyDancing · 14/01/2022 13:56

[quote elelel]@DirtyDancing

Do you know why you think it's cheeky of then to have sex when OP is home? It has had no effect on OP [/quote]
It's a fair question. I guess it comes down to individual views on sex. How one has been brought up & educated about sex in some ways.

I think it's quite a private thing, it can be noisy, they might get interrupted & that could cause embarrassment on both sides.

But absolutely everyone views sex differently and I believe in being discreet about it. Other people may feel more comfortable- each to their own. I doubt there will be a consensus just as OP and her DH have different views on this.

MananaTomorrow · 14/01/2022 13:56

I’d like to understand why them having sex under your rook is disrespectful tbh…
I mean it’s your ds room too so unless you think you shouldn’t have sex either, I’m struggling to see why this is disrespectful and unacceptable

Re his age…
Tbh you are not going to stop him. If they are not at your house, they will have sex somewhere else. And it might well hit ne an appropriate place etc… so no I wouldn’t have an issue for that reason either. (I have two teens similar age btw….)

C152 · 14/01/2022 14:01

This is hard and I imagine much will depend on how you and your DH were raised to feel about sex. I remember my friend's parents allowing her boyfriend to sleep over at that age. The mum was very clear she wasn't happy about the situation, but would rather they were both in a safe place than in a park or a car etc. If your son and his GF are having sex anyway, they're going to continue whether you let them do so in your house or not. Personally, I wouldn't ban them from having sex in your house, but I would probably have - more than one - chat about how important safe sex is, have they thought about what they would do if the condom failed etc. Also, if you think it's necessary, about all respecting each other's boundaries and making sure they both understood consent and being able to say no or stop at any point.

Fabuleuse · 14/01/2022 14:01

[quote timestheyarechanging]@Fabuleuse

Why should they not be having sex when they are at the age of consent and presumably understand consent etc? What age do you think is appropriate?

I first had sex at 15, had a few sexual partners until I met my exH at 18. I'm 50 now and all my friends were about that age when they had sex. I was then in a LTR with marriage from 18- 41. Then another for 7yrs, then currently a year.

I think having sex young, makes you appreciate that it's not all it's cracked up to be, so makes you make more informed decisions going forward. My daughter and son were brought up to value themselves and their virginity. They Understand consent, healthy relationships and respect.
[/quote]
So, do it young because it's not all it's cracked up to be. Hmm

I don't think I have to give an age where it magically becomes appropriate because that is not what I believe. However, I do not believe that 16 year old children should be facilitated in participating in an activity that, even if we just focus on consequences, risks STIs and underage pregnancy at an age where they are not ready to become parents ( I have sons so quite rightly if a pregnancy resulted they would have no say in whether they became a father). At 16 they should be concentrating on school/vocational training/apprenticeships, friends and hobbies, not entering into adult relationships.

Fabuleuse · 14/01/2022 14:02

[quote timestheyarechanging]@fabulous
My kids DO have morals. My daughter has a great job with the Met Police, her boyfriend has a good job and family, my son is studying 3 A levels and plans to go to uni, as does his girlfriend (both in health related fields), they both have a healthy diet and have a great social life with many friends and ambition.
Having sex at 16 didn't change that! [/quote]
Your kids sound highly successful. I've said precisely nowhere that they don't have morals.

DirtyDancing · 14/01/2022 14:04

@C152 you are of course right- the number 1 thing here is the conversation about consent & safety above all else.

CaliforniaDrumming · 14/01/2022 14:05

Are you Miranda from And Just Like That?:) I don;t think it is working out too well for her.

Beautiful3 · 14/01/2022 14:07

If they're bith over 16 and using protection.i would be happier. Might be a good idea to have a chat with him about safe sex, and put condoms in his top drawer. You and your husband have to decide if this is okay or not, in your home. If it's not okay, they will have sex but elsewhere.

sadpapercourtesan · 14/01/2022 14:07

The point I was trying to make earlier, Fableuse (and I appreciate that I was too abrasive in doing so) was that you talk - a lot - about what you think should happen, what children should be doing, what their values and priorities should be, etc.

Those of us who have been through the teenage parenting years - and come out the other side - know that it just isn't like that. We have to deal pragmatically with the children we have and the choices they make, not the ones we would have hoped they would make. Your view on sex at 16 will have very little relevance indeed when your children are 16. It will be their choices, and how you respond to them, that will govern how much of a relationship you have with them going forward, and whether you are perceived as a trusted, supportive adult or simply a roadblock to be worked around.

TopTabby · 14/01/2022 14:10

No thanks, I'd be very uncomfortable with this & there's no way I'm going to be uncomfortable in my own home.
Yes it's their home too but all the bedrooms are very close to each other upstairs & just no.
I'd reconsider for older dc in a LTR. 16, no way.
What goes on when I'm not in would be another matter but not when I'm sat downstairs having to turn the telly up.