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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Should I allow my teenager to have sex under my roof.

149 replies

Moomin1983 · 14/01/2022 10:18

Hi All, tricky one here. Just found out that my 16yr old and his GF (of 3 months) are sexually active, and they've been doing it under our roof while we're home. Naively we didn't think they were getting up to too much! My OH has hit the roof and says they're not allowed as its disrespectful, particularly as we're at home. I'm more laid back and think its inevitable, but I don't know how other people feel and in effect, which one of us is correct? This is our only child so we haven't had to tackle this situation before.
I'd love to now what other people would do. They're both 16 and they're using protection.

OP posts:

greenlynx · 14/01/2022 11:01

I wouldn’t like it while I’m at the house either. Are you always in? I wouldn’t question him about situations when you are out but nothing more. I wouldn’t allow sleepovers at this age anyway but it’s just my personal opinion.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 14/01/2022 11:02

I think your DH needs to work out why he thinks it’s disrespectful. Particularly as they clearly haven’t been loud or obvious because you didn’t know it was happening. Does he have religious objections?

People have sex- it’s not disrespectful to have consensual sex with your partner. it’s only a problem for other people if you make it known by noise or leaving a door open or condom wrappers all over the place. 16 year olds are people too and they aren’t automatically doing something wrong just because of their age. Presumably you and your DH have sex while your son is at home?

elelel · 14/01/2022 11:02

Can your DH explain in what way consensual sex between 2 people over the age of consent is disrespectful?

Ameanstreakamilewide · 14/01/2022 11:03

They'll just do it when you're not at home, I'll be bound.

That's what my boyfriend and I did at 18.

It's pretty disrespectful to have sex when 'real life' is happening in the house, in my opinion.
If people are watching telly and having showers, etc, then they should keep it in their pants.

Just like one might expect their own parents to do the same.

cultkid · 14/01/2022 11:04

Best they have sex in private in your home, not in someone else's at a house party

Watchingpeppa12 · 14/01/2022 11:06

I wasn’t allowed my bf in the house at that age, so we did it outside the house. I still ended up pregnant as a teen, so I’m going for a different approach with my children and they can be safe.

piney07 · 14/01/2022 11:07

What worked when I was 16 was seperate beds for sleep overs - we would of course sneak to each other in the night but I do think that a certain level of parental disapproval is good at this young age at keeps the relationship age appropriate (ie experimentation rather than full on LTR when you’re only 16).

FunkyPhantom · 14/01/2022 11:07

I do t think there's any right or wrong, it's your home so you decide what goes on and stuck two fingers up to everyone else 👍

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 14/01/2022 11:07

I may say we repay this in kind to the kids, not one sided, as we would never have sex if they were at home. It’s basic respect.

You never had sex when your kids were home? Ever?

ExConstance · 14/01/2022 11:12

I'm in my 60's and when I was 16 it was usually deemed OK to have your regular boyfriend round and a blind eye turned to what you got up to. One thing for certain is that if you don't "allow" it at home they will just go somewhere else.

elelel · 14/01/2022 11:15

It's pretty disrespectful to have sex when 'real life' is happening in the house, in my opinion.
If people are watching telly and having showers, etc, then they should keep it in their pants.

How is having sex when someone else is in the shower disrespectful? I just can't see this link at all. As for 'real life' you couldn't get more real than sex. It came before both showers and TVs!

cultkid · 14/01/2022 11:17

If I didn't have sex when my kids were home I would never have sex🤣

I have sex at my sisters house in her guest bed, on holiday, at my parents house, in my parents holiday home, I don't think its disrespectful at all!!

Having loud sex, that would be disrespectful (and weird) in company

Also leaving marks in the bed so we are tidy but seriously.. the poster saying they wouldn't have sex when their kids are in 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Wisenotboring · 14/01/2022 11:18

@HoppingPavlova

Hasn’t and won’t happen in my household and mine are young adults.

When they were alive, there is no way in hell I would have contemplated having sex in my parents house/ boyfriends parents houses or in-laws house after marrying DH. Even if in same bed after marriage it would never happen in someone else’s house -completely disrespectful.

I may say we repay this in kind to the kids, not one sided, as we would never have sex if they were at home. It’s basic respect.

I also know none of mine have done this as the benefit of having a full house is that there’s always people at home, coming and going, and mine would definitely not accept this from siblings. Teenage years were fun when DH and I got emergency calls if someone even had a friend of the opposite sex rock up at the front door for an impromptu visit.

You would really not have seen as a married couple in your parents' house?

Wisenotboring · 14/01/2022 11:18

Have sex

Flipflopblowout · 14/01/2022 11:18

Wow, disrespectful? not under my roof? where then? back of the school bike shed? Behind the bus shelter? Your son has been open with you. You have a chance to be adult about this and have the discussion about respect in relationships.

Pinkrose1111 · 14/01/2022 11:19

Oh hellll noooo

Thinkbiglittleone · 14/01/2022 11:24

It is really tough to accept your kids have become and age where they are legal to be having sex, if they are emotionally mature enough to be having sex, being safe and being respectful to the GF, I'm not sure what the issue is.

It is his home, he is in a relationship and they are doing it in a way where you have not been aware, so there not screaming the house down. I think it's a fair comment to say that you don't want to hear them at it, as they have the right to not want to hear mum and dad at it, it's just wrong on all levels.

Your young man is going to have sex with his girlfriend, I think it's best he does it in a safe environment rather than looking for alternative places.

ThirdElephant · 14/01/2022 11:24

@cultkid

If I didn't have sex when my kids were home I would never have sex🤣

I have sex at my sisters house in her guest bed, on holiday, at my parents house, in my parents holiday home, I don't think its disrespectful at all!!

Having loud sex, that would be disrespectful (and weird) in company

Also leaving marks in the bed so we are tidy but seriously.. the poster saying they wouldn't have sex when their kids are in 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I agree- discretion is important and respectful.

Clearly, they are being discrete as OP had no idea.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 14/01/2022 11:29

@Ameanstreakamilewide

They'll just do it when you're not at home, I'll be bound.

That's what my boyfriend and I did at 18.

It's pretty disrespectful to have sex when 'real life' is happening in the house, in my opinion.
If people are watching telly and having showers, etc, then they should keep it in their pants.

Just like one might expect their own parents to do the same.

Yep this We might have very quiet jiggy when everyone is in bed but when people are up and about it's a bit ick

fuckoffImcounting · 14/01/2022 11:29

Two young adults having sex is not disrespectful to anyone. They are safe doing it under your roof - otherwise they might end up doing it in the park with attendant risks.

Adeleskirts · 14/01/2022 11:41

How do you know? And also do you have sex when he’s there?

FindingMeno · 14/01/2022 11:44

In a field / carpark or in private are the two options here.
Both over the age of consent.
Allow them some privacy and respect.

gogohm · 14/01/2022 11:47

I've let dd have her boyfriend to stay in her room since she was 17, still together 3.5 years later. Personally I prefer my kids under my roof than potentially riskier situations.

However Dp's dm doesn't let us stay, plainly ridiculous rules, her loss as it means we rarely go as it means a hotel stay.

Rekorderlig88 · 14/01/2022 11:54

I found out my daughter and boyfriend were booking hotel rooms.. 17 year olds.
I'd much rather they were safe.
But not when I'm in

MayThePawsBeWithYou · 14/01/2022 12:07

Why does it matter than his gf has young siblings

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