19 year old daughter home from uni and it’s difficult

[toni06]

My daughter started at Cambridge in October. She’s my youngest so I was very upset when she left. It became clear within days that she was struggling, and we has 4 weeks of nightly 2 hour tearful phone calls. During that time I wrote, sent bit and bobs through the post, and supported her, just telling her to get through this term. Together we were counting the 9 week term down. We visited her at the 5 week point and there has been a sea change since then. She made friends, got a social life. Phone calls reduced and often when we rang she’d be busy. We picked her up for Christmas on Friday and this weekend has been awful. I was so excited about her coming home, and it’s quite obvious she doesn’t want to be here. When we arrived to get her, after 4 hour drive, she wasn’t there and had gone out for a coffee. She’s not been rude, but goes on about how amazing life is there, how everyone else is there for another week, how she might go back early. Just little comments like it’s not worth unpacking, as she’s not here for long. We cooked a Sunday dinner yesterday, to be told she doesn’t eat rich food anymore. I’m quite hurt as it’s as if those weeks of supporting her never happened. I want her to be happy at Cambridge, but I also want her to appreciate being at home. How do we get through the next 6 weeks? We stuff planned nearer to Christmas but this week I’m working so can’t do much with her.

Children mature emotionally at different rates just like they mature physically at different rates. She sounds like she is a just a bit immature to be honest - I would just ignore the comments for this year.

most of her friends will welcome the break and be home for quite some time as home comforts are always preferred

Errrrr I wouldn't be so sure. I can still remember how boring, lonely and confining it felt to be at home again during uni breaks. I never wanted to be there for more than a week again, and basically stayed away all year as soon as accommodation allowed.

I was at Oxford and always really struggled with the transitions between home and term time. It's very intense having these short terms, and there's a real sense of FOMO if you go home and others stay on for a bit, especially in the early days when friendships are new and a bit more insecure. She'll chill out, just give her a bit of time.

And yes, it's also normal to go for the start of 0th week and come home at the end of 9th, rooms in halls don't usually need to be emptied until then.

There's a definite positive spin to this. Much better to have her head full of wanting to be at college with her friends and the new lifestyle choices she's trying out than crying and begging to stay home. It sounds like she's enamoured with her new friends and college life and she can't see that she's being hurtful. Just ask her lots of questions, sympathize that she had to come away, and enjoy the fact that you can relax because she's no longer upset and lonely. She's still in the "can't see beyond their own nose" age group. The appreciation for family and home will come back again.

I’d be inclined to embrace it and let me crack on for now. Doesn’t eat rich food? She can cook tomorrow! Missing friends? Why doesn’t she go travel to see one of them on the coach. Rinse and repeat while you crack on with your own life.

I thought this was good advice. I'd also be tempted to pull her up on it though, "You're eating habits have changed? We'll take it in turns to cook tea then, you can cook tonight. In the meantime, stop being a bit of a dick, eh?".

Also, I can't help but wonder why she came home a week early.

She’s happy.

To be honest it sounds like her over the top unhappiness might have been influenced by you. You were ‘terribly upset’ and counting down the days till she was back, so she was. And it sounds like it was all fed into a bit with hours of tearful phone conversations etc. You almost sound like you preferred it when she was homesick and unhappy.

She’s doing her thing, independent and happy, and from the sounds of it doing well at a good university. For a parent, that’s a big win.

I was like this when I came home from uni and I think it was really hard on everyone around me, but I was finding my way, and unfortunately it was just something I went through. I think this is probably one of the most painful and thankless parts of being a parent. But hang in there and she'll be herself again before long, and happily she's enjoying uni now which must be such a relief. Give her some space and some grace.

She’s not been rude, but goes on about how amazing life is there, how everyone else is there for another week, how she might go back early. Just little comments like it’s not worth unpacking, as she’s not here for long. We cooked a Sunday dinner yesterday, to be told she doesn’t eat rich food anymore.

Celebrate her growing independence. She's leaving home. It's what happens.

The novelty will soon wear off OP and she'll be back to her old self by the Summer.

My son was throwing up with nerves going to Uni. My daughter and I booked a B&B for three nights to help him settle in, he stayed with us the first night and then we drove him to halls the following morning. He didn't want to get out of the car. We worried about him all day and night and when we went back the following day he could hardly be bothered to speak to us, he had so much to do with his new friends, places to be, he just didn't have time for mum and sis.

He was away for three years and with each visit home he settled more and more. Happy to be at uni but also happy to be home.

She's just finding her feet and it all seems so new and different and exciting. Once the workload kicks in and it all becomes samey and familiar, she'll soon start to appreciate home and family.

I understand the hurt and sadness. It takes a bit to adjust to the empty nest. I don't think she means harm by the things she says. Away from home the first time and it'll be some happy fun memories for her.

But well done mum. You raised her up and now she's flow the nest exactly as she's supposed to.

Try backing off a little and asking her input on things. She's not the same as when she left and you'll be learning about the new her.

@Ubiquery

Also, I can't help but wonder why she came home a week early.

I can't help wondering why you can't rtft

@Ubiquery

Also, I can't help but wonder why she came home a week early.

This has been answered several times!

I do sympathise with her. Its hard to be away when all her friends are still there having fun. But its not your fault and she should be making the best of things. I wouldn't say anything if she wants to go back early.

She's typically self absorbed - most teens are! But this is actually all really good - she's happy at uni now and that will help her to grow up and be increasingly independent. Perhaps a little reminder that it's fantastic that she's loving uni but you hope she can enjoy Christmas with you as well.

Which university is she at? I don't think you've mentioned it.

This has been answered several times!

I think you just need to be happy that she is having a good time. You should want her to be happier at University than at home - you know that home is OK, so University must be really good!

My daugher (2nd year, Oxford) is quite up front about the fact that she was quite sad to leave her Uni friends at the end of term and thinks her Uni life is more fun than her home life. She's not rude about it - she'll say that it's not that there is anything wrong with home or that she's unhappy to be here. She's also perfectly happy to engage with us. It's just that Uni is better. And that's just how I want to be!!

It's also normal to develop different preferences over things such as eating habit when you move away. As long as she is not rude or making demands on you then that's fine.

The bit I would be most cross about is her not being there when you arrive after a 4 hour drive to collect her as she has gone out for coffee! That's inconsiderate and unecessary.

It's great that she is enjoying uni and is happy and has friends. It must be tough if her friends are thre for another week.

My dd finishes this Friday but she isn't coming home until Christmas Eve and will be going back before New Year's Eve. I'm just glad she is happy.

@oneglassandpuzzled

Actually I was using it about mine. I love her and we laugh about it now. She was awful her first Christmas. Chill. If you have a daughter that age you need a lot of black humour.

Mine was the same it hurt our feelings I sent her back via train and her brothers cried she has never been so thoughtless again she cried the whole way back to university and spent days facetiming them afterwards

@RantyAunty

I understand the hurt and sadness. It takes a bit to adjust to the empty nest. I don't think she means harm by the things she says. Away from home the first time and it'll be some happy fun memories for her.

But well done mum. You raised her up and now she's flow the nest exactly as she's supposed to.

Try backing off a little and asking her input on things. She's not the same as when she left and you'll be learning about the new her.

This. Just give her and you a bit of space. Don't have mopey talks about how hurt you are. Don't take things as a criticism of you.. pull her up on it, but essentially just make a joke out of it. If she says she wants to go back early - good - let her organise it. Rich food - tell her to cook what she'd like but let everyone else have what they like. If she's got ideas on that, she can share them and cook for you. Bored - you are not there to entertain her - up to her to find something she'd like to do or to mope around at home. Its not a bad thing to have a slow time at home for a bit to recharge the batteries. Basically let her settle herself in whilst you and the others get on with your own plans and if she wants to join in she will. If she's pining for uni that is a good thing after a shakey start. It will all settle down and will be well. Just cross your fingers and get on with your own stuff. She will adjust.

I always thought this was incredibly odd with my oxbridge friends - I grew up in a bit of a rural backwater no one could wait to get away from and it just seemed utterly shit for them that they got turfed out their rooms and had to come home for weeks longer than everyone else. Coupled with the fact that they had been able to be a bit superior for the previous academic year with their oxbridge offer and in a lot of cases felt that they were by rights better than the rest of us, but the practical reality of being at home bored with their parents so much more than everyone else didn’t really reflect that. She’ll hopefully get over it soon when her friends are home; they won’t tolerate the superiority as much as you will and might temper it a bit.

As someone else said though I would keep a (subtly) very close eye on what ‘not eating rich foods’ entails. I don’t like the sound of that.

She needs to learn some manners and maybe get a job so that she can afford to stay at the Hôtel du Ma&Pa. You said she wasn’t rude, and yet she wasn’t even there when she knew you were driving four hours to pick her up? Über drivers only wait a couple of minutes before they leave and charge the credit card.

OP - congratulate yourself - you're a great parent and have raised an independent adult. This is our ultimate job as parents - to enable our children to live without us.

I understand how hurtful it can be though. You've had some good advice on here, I agree with much of it. Get on with your work and social life as normal. When she talks about her amazing life at Cambridge, rather than feel sad, encourage the conversation and be enthused about what she's telling you.

It will take her a bit of time to settle back into being at home. Hopefully she'll meet up with friends and find things to do.

I agree that appreciation for home often comes later on. We expect 18/19 year olds to be fully functioning adults but remember that brain development goes on till mid-20s and older teens can be just as selfish and thoughtless as 13/14 year olds!

I think she was very rude not being there to meet you, and about your food (I'd pick her up on the latter; she can cook for the family/shift for herself if the food doesn't suit her).
Everything else, though, just sounds like someone finding their feet and some friends. I can see why you find it hurtful, but I do think it's part of growing up and becoming independent. I think things will change and get better, although probably not go back to how they used to be, which is healthy.